The Arabian Nights, Harry Potter Style
With a little help from your friends Lizi and Heathy
Explanation:
These stories are made from a series of mad libs type situations. They are completely random, but each chapter has a standing theme. This chapter's theme: opium.
Now enough acting smart. Let's get down to bizschnocks (businesseses).
Some Strange Rules to the Stories:
Every curse word must be replaced with "Gary Oldman", "Crazy Gary Oldman", "Sexy Gary Oldman", or "We love Gary Oldman" (this is referred to often; do not be disturbed or confused when we mention Snape's Gary Oldman sexiness).
Introduction to Main Plot:
Lizi and Heathy have to tell these stories so the charges of possession, driving without a license, driving drunk without a license, driving high without a license, burying a live body, and stealing sardines from the dark lord are dropped.
So Heathy said, "Lizi, what's the first thing you can think of?"
"Mad Libs and Opium."
"I'll call the publisher."
Story 1: The Opium…Gary Oldman
Snape seduces Luna Lovegood with a fur coat on a sexy evening.
Severus Snape had just come out of an opium bar conveniently placed directly outside the gates of Hogwarts. This being his first time puffing the white sultan, he did not realize that it would be such a potent aphrodisiac. In other words, he was horny as hell.
In his horniastic state, he noticed a goddess with blonde hair. His mind failed to register that this was a teenager, a student, and someone who planted different varieties of vegetables with the sole purpose to use them as jewelry. For some reason, this made him even hornier.
What made things worse was this was Hogwarts' new and improved spirit week. Today was Tuesday and therefore Hooker Day (this, of course, was referring to Officer T.J. Hooker, but Dumbledore failed to realize this was a double entendre).
Snape had a god as a pimp. Snape wore a fur coat with pink flamingo sunglasses and a green bowler hat. Of course, as we all know, this made him Gary Oldman Sexy sexy.
Luna Lovegood had discovered the opium bar as well. Strangely, or not strangely, this seemed to make her saner. As a sane person, she saw Snape's Gary Oldman Sexiness (as we all do at some point) and she also just happened to like the Orlando Bloom greasy look.
Snape tried out one of his new found lines:
"Hey sexy, you're so gorgeous you must have been hit with a pretty stick." He then twirled his fur coat around, making it gleam.
She stroked his cheek sexily and said, "Next year, let's be laughing together." They stared at each other in awkward silence (because these are very awkward people to be around), then furiously started making out.
And they rolled off tenderly into the woods and made opium induced Gary Oldman (a.k.a. Sex) creepily ever after.
FIN…Opium….and Gary Oldman.
Story 2: Opium Induced Clue
Lupin kills a ferret Malfoy with a candlestick on a nice sunny day. After opium, of course.
Lupin decided to play a muggle game of clue with the golden trio, opium, and fried ice cream….with nachos, of course. He hunkered down for the long afternoon of farting, homicidal thoughts about Malfoy, and nachos, of course. After using his full brain power to come up with absolutely nothing, he comes up with a pretty faced plan including pictures and graphs.
Most of it was the scientific equation, candlestick equals die, but hey, you can't blame a guy for trying, especially when he's high. Lupin watched in the bushes, waiting for Malfoy, to turn him into a ferret, laugh when he goes down Goyle's pants (animals have NO self control), and then kill him.
While Lupin sat, he witnessed the following events:
ONE- Everyone in the world died and then was reborn as inferi and was suddenly and strangely scared of Santa and the floo network.
TWO- A diss-off and kiss-off between Hermione and George.
THREE- Out came the board game and off came the clothes.
Seeing as number 2 is the most important of the three, we will just get to the part you've all been waiting for.
"And you know why Ron is so stupid? It's his mother's fault. Hereditary, I tell you." Said Hermione.
"You leave my mother out of this!"
"Oh, I'm not talking about your mother George, I'm talking about Ron's mother. Your mother is very nice."
Awkward silence…….
Suddenly, George and Hermione fell to the ground as Gary Oldman cast a spell over them. In other words, they started madly making out.
Then, number 3.
"Let's play a board game!" said Hermione.
"What?" asked George.
"Clue!"
"I'll join you," said Lupin dragging a ferret behind him.
"Alright, here are the rules," said Hermione (don't forget that the opium had gone around at least three times before we even started writing), "someone has to die if they don't get naked."
"Right-o," said Naked Lupin.
"Woo!" said George, taking his shirt off.
"Alright," said Hermione, wearing a leather bikini and holding a whip, "lets get down to bizschnocks."
"Woo!" said George.
"Woo!" said Lupin.
"Wait!" said Hermione. "The ferret isn't naked!"
They all paused and turned to glare at Malfoy ferret who was desperately tugging at his fur and staring around with wide/sad/puppy/ferret/horny eyes.
Lupin took out his candlestick with which to murder Malfoy and started beating it against his hand. "I know what to do with this…"
"Squeak/Goyle/Me/Squeak/Potter/Opium/Squeak/High/Squeak/Snape Hooker!" Ferret/DeadMalfoy/NoLongerSexyGod said as he died.
"Is Snape really a hooker?" George asked after all the commotion was over.
Hermione glared at him.
"Sorry, stupid question."
And they all played Clue happily ever after with lots and lots of Gary Oldman. I think Professor Plum killed Bob Dylan in the Living Room with the nosebleed nugat as well.
FIN…Gary Oldman…and Clue.
(Lizi ran screaming 'pie' down the hall while looking for Bob Dylan and Heathy tried to write the next story)
Story 3: Opium on a Voyage….a Pretty Short Voyage
Penelope Clearwater smokes opium on a voyage to find the lost paper of Atlantis.
Athena, in the form of Snape, came to Penelope Clearwater in a dream. She said many things, some of which were:
"Odysseus is cheating on you. Kill him."
"Find the lost paper of Atlantis. Now."
And……
"I order you to find yourself a husband…you have three hours to complete these tasks."
Penelope answered (in the dream, of course), "Odysseus who?"
Snape and Athena started switching on and off. We actually think this entire line was said by Snape. "20 points from……..I meant Percy, dear………Gryffindor, for your cheek."
"I was never in Gryffindor. I was in Ravenclaw."
"Gary Oldman, you! 5,000,000 points from Gryffindor!"
This was all an illusion created by more opium then we care to talk about (and that's A LOT if you haven't seen how much we've already talked about). Nevertheless, Penelope was able to brutally murder Percy, get an Order of Merlin for the kind and generous deed, and play strip poker….I mean Clue…..five times, all in little over an hour.
The lost paper of Atlantis was found being used as a pooper scooper in a park not far from Piccadilly Square and Penelope was able to meet a wonderful person named Remus while playing Clue. She was able to complete the tasks in 2 hrs and 33 minutes.
This just goes to show that drinking, drugs, stripping, and Snape can't be all that bad for you…….And good, of course, for everyone else.
FIN….Clue……and Naked Lupin.
Now Back to Fictional Reality:
"So Lizi, what did we learn today?" Asked Heathy.
"Never steal Lord Voldemort's sardines," she said, falling back onto her prison cot.
Reviews will help free us from prison……or get us high…..or whatever you want...