The Arabian Nights, Harry Potter Style
With a little help from your friends Lizi and Heathy (and Frachel, our star guest for this chapter)
Explanation:
These stories are made from a series of mad libs type situations. They are completely random, but each chapter has a standing theme. This chapter's theme: opium.
Now enough acting smart. Let's get down to bizschnocks (businesseses).
Some Strange Rules to the Stories:
Every curse word must be replaced with "Gary Oldman", "Crazy Gary Oldman", "Sexy Gary Oldman", or "We love Gary Oldman" (this is referred to often; do not be disturbed or confused when we mention Snape's Gary Oldman sexiness).
Introduction to Main Plot:
Lizi and Heathy have to tell these stories so the charges of possession, driving without a license, driving drunk without a license, driving high without a license, burying a live body, and stealing sardines from the dark lord are dropped.
So Heathy said, "Lizi, what's the first thing you can think of?"
"Mad Libs and Opium."
"I'll call the publisher."
Story 4: Encyclopedia Brown and the Mystery of the Weasley Proposal
(strangely, this mystery has nothing to do with Encyclopedia Brown. Funny, though).
One fine day in 1967 (because everything always happens in 1967- even the 70's happened in 1967; so as Madonna was playing 'Material Girl', Marx was protesting materialism, and the Berlin Wall was put up, yelled at, and torn down in the same day), Arthur Weasley proposed to Molly Prewett in the long time span of an hour (because everything is wrong- and long- in the 60's).
Arthur stared into Molly's eyes and said, "do you like shampoo?"
"What?"
"Your hair is quite frizzy, do you like shampoo?"
"WHAT?"
"Er…Er…Nothing." He tried again. "Baby, let's build the Sistine Chapel and get high together."
"Did you say religion? I'll do it!" Before they knew it, they were a go-go. (Lizi breaks into weird 60's lingo and Heathy rolls eyes)
"Man, our love is like a psychedelic bomb!" said Arthur.
"That means you'll love me and cherish me, and marry me, right?"
"Er…Sure…"
"And we'll have 8 billion kids."
"Er…Oooo…Kkkaayy…huh?"
"Or 8. 8 is good."
"Make it 7 and I'll marry you right now."
"DONE!"
(Lizi: That's the most beautiful love story ever.
Heathy: That's sick.
Frachel: Let's make Psychedelic love with the ghoul in the attic.
Heathy: No, THAT's sick.
Lizi: Whatever man, I'm juiced anyway (more 60's dialogue)…Gary Old, man.)
The End, Gary Oldman (with a psychedelic twist)
Story 5: Snape and Bob Dylan
Snape goes back in time with a feather duster to stalk Bob Dylan and party on.
Snape loved dusting and Bob Dylan (secretly).
He decided to stalk Bobby and go back in time to when he was Gary Oldmanly gorgeous.
He thought, 'Bob Dylan, let's go party on with a feather duster and midgets!'
(Frachel: Oh me and my knives
Heathy: bovine?)
Snape met Bob Dylan in nineteen sixty something at a bar. Most likely an opium bar. This is the situation:
Snape: (giggles Gary Oldmanly)
Bobby: Whaaaa?
Snape: (voice suddenly high pitch) he he he…wee, I'm too sexy.
Bob Dylan: You'd better take advantage before the opium wears off.
Lizi: STOP!
The scene suddenly changes. It is the same, but Lizi is there instead of Snape. She giggles. In fact, she may have been working through Snape all along.
Lizi: And They made sweet sweet Gary Oldman and Bob realized he wanted her to be his wife and they get married under a Jewish canopy
Heathy: Lizi, that never happened
Lizi: Shhh! Don't spoil the fantasy!
Heathy: And stop with the Jew stuff
Lizi: RELIGIOUS PERSECUTION! You're just like Gary Oldman!
Over…Happy Chanukah! Gary Oldman.
Story 6: Gary Oldman
Gary Oldmanly, Snape realized that he wanted to screech (a.k.a. Gary Oldman) with the Weasley's.
Heathy: That's Gary Oldman (a.k.a disgusting)
INTERRUPTION!
Dear Publisher of Lizi and Heathy (and temporarily Frachel),
I, Gary Oldman, would like to complain on the strongest terms possible about your biased assumptions of my thoughts, my opinions, and my private life.
I am not a sex god
…Wait. Scratch that, start over. I AM a sex god. Remember that.
My sexiness is not (under any circumstances) to be associated via Snape!
(Via…hmmm…I should name my daughter that…)
My name, or my personage, is not disgusting
(I am not an Oldman, not an old man….like Bob Dylan)
OUT OF LETTER EXPERIENCE
Lizi: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
INTO LETTER EXPERIENCE
I am not opium
(though if, as payment for your heinous crimes, you might happen to have some, then…)
Furthermore, to the attractive, wonderful, mysterious, fantabulous writers of the story….and Frachel….GARY OLDMAN you and your GARY OLDMAN families to GARY OLDMAN GARY OLDMAN----------
THE FOLLOWING INAPPROPRIATE WORDS OR PHRASES HAVE BEEN ERASED FROM THE PROGRAM, COMPLEMENTS OF IF YOU HAVE COMPLAINTS CONCERNING OUR NEW AND IMPROVED PARENTAL GUIDELINES SYSTEM, CONTACT-
(cut off with another web-based add)
–YOUR LOCAL FBI OFFICE IF YOU HAVE SEEN ANY OF THESE MISSING CHILDREN------------------------
(Gary Oldman- looking at the photos of missing children OH MY GOD! THAT'S VIA! NOT VIA! YOUR DADDY LOVES YOU VIA!)
Sincerely,
Gary Oldman
a.k.a.
god of sex
……………………………
Frachel: Jesus Christ on a crutch, is that FBI guy after my opium?
Lizi: Why was Gary writing a letter in the middle of our story?
Kublai Khan: Ghan-Buri-Ghan, Ching Chong Ching
Heathy: We'll excuse your Mongolianese for now.
Kublai: Chicken Chow-Mein!
Publisher: THIS RACISM MUST CEASE AND DESIST!
Buddha: You tell 'em, girlfriend!
The World: RELIGIOUS INJUSTICE!
Us: would you rather we said Jesus?
The World: Er…Er…Carry on…Carry on…
Us: Thank you
Lizi: We can't tell the story now, so we'll just summarize it in three words…….Snape…….
Heathy: …..implode….
Frachel: ……..boomerang…
Now back to fictional reality:
Lizi: can we come out now?
Prison Guard: Frachel can, because she likes Lord of the Rings and this is a Harry Potter fanfic.
Frachael: Hauniel Ben-Adarwain nogoth! (random cussing in elvish)
Lizi: Did she say Reefer Latte?
Heathy: Screw You Latte!
The End,
with many Starbucks Lattes.
(and congratulations to Gary Oldman on the birth and kidnapping of his daughter, Via Oldman.)