Chapter Five

I saw my Roger. And everything Mark implied when I came up to the loft was a lie.

I've been sitting back in my apartment for an hour now. Maybe two. And I still can't quite wrap my mind around those two facts. I don't know why Mark would lie. Or how he could possibly forgive himself for pretending that Roger was dead. Or why Roger would be sitting up there talking to me. I broke him so badly before I left—why would he ever even want to speak to me again? Or think of me?

But he does. He does talk to me. I think he wants to see me. I gotta let him. Even if it's only so he can scream at me for everything I did to hurt him, I still think I need to let him.

It's going to be really, really hard, though. I mean, shit, I don't know how… Mark's never gonna let me in to see him and Roger doesn't seem like he connects to the outside world… he's not gonna fight with Mark to open the door. But I'll figure it out. With everything I took away from Roger, I can at least give him the opportunity to scream at me to his heart's content. I think it's the only thing I can give him, the only thing that's any good and—

"Mimi Marqueeeeeeez!" My apartment door slams open and I jump a foot. I should lock it, I know, but that's Benny's job. He used to lock me in. Not that it could stop me from going out if I really wanted to, but it was just another deterrent. I guess he stopped. I must have proved myself. Proved myself to be the good little Mimi he was always deluding himself that I could be if he just pushed me hard enough. Cuz it was never about me—he couldn't be with me. Only if I made myself into that perfect little girlfriend that he could bring to big company parties.

It's amazing how big realizations like that can pass through your mind in a split second. Really, a split second is all I have to come to terms with the fact that me and Benny will always be a thing of the past. Because now there's a blonde human tornado exploding into my apartment, cannon balling over the back of my couch and kissing me firmly on my lips.

Maureen Johnson.

Dramatic as always.

"Hey baby," I finally tease, once I've taken that moment to centre myselfthat you always need when Maureen Johnson fights her way into the scene. She's a very overwhelming lady. "Good to know some people didn't change."

Aaaaand… she's shaking me. I'm not fully convinced she's ever going to change as my entire body rattles back and forth under her arms. "Mimiiii, why didn't you call and tell me you were back? I had to hear it from stupidhead Mark and he just spent the entire time ranting about how you were going to break or some crap and he wouldn't even tell me any of the important stuff, like how cute your new haircut is!"

All I can do is look at her, my mind wavering on the edge of crazy. I don't think I've gotten my hair cut since the last time she would have seen me… but that's not important. Mark wouldn't let me in because he knows I'm going to destroy Roger. He only acts on what I think.

"Mimi…" Right. Maureen's here and I need to focus on her. I can't afford to get lost in Roger. "I didn't know where you went. It was sorta scary. Nobody would tell me if you were… you know." Her eyes get big and I know she didn't mean to say that. "Where you were. They wouldn't tell me that."

"No one knew where I was," I tell Maureen gently. I almost have to be the grown-up for her… it's a strange feeling after Benny. "I disappeared." She's still looking at me with that look I always gave Roger when I wanted something. "But I'm back now, right?" The pout's not going away. "Let me make some money and we can go shopping sometime soon?"

Those were the magic words. Maureen's face lights up and she squeals, hugging me tightly. Apparently I mattered to her… The more I see people from before, the more I realize everything I've been telling myself over the past months was a lie. And over the past month that I've been getting better I've started to figure out… maybe I do deserve to get better.

I barely noticed when Maureen stopped hugging me, but now she's leaning back against my couch, with the expectation of a girlie chat on her face. "So? You been to see Rog yet?" All I bring myself to do is shake my head, and listen to Maureen's shriek. "Why not? Baby, you always loved him so much, how come-"

"Mark won't let me." I barely recognize my voice as I interrupt Maureen and walk over to my window. I won't let myself cry—I'm not at the point where I can justify crying over him to myself—but even talking about Roger is just so hard. "I can't get past the door, Maureen."

Maybe I'll just throw up. Not crying makes me feel gaggy… and throwing up I can allow myself. Throwing up I can pretend has nothing to Roger and the past and future I can't have with him.

"Well, shit. Marky's a dumbass." There's a whole clatter of loud noises just then, and I turn to find Maureen stripped down from her sweater to just a tank top, and pulling a bunch of pins out of her purse. I watch, fascinated, as she turns what was just an averageoutfit into something crazy-sexy going out-ish.

And she's bounding across the room to press a little kiss on my forehead. "I can fix that for you, girlie. Just give me 5 minutes." I raise my eyebrows at her and she laughs, pulling a hair off my top. "Seriously. 5 minutes. In 5 minutes, go up to the loft and I swear you'll get in. If I screw him, you'll probably get a good 45 minutes to talk to Roger… if I just take him on a little date, you'll get about 40."

Her eyes sparkle at me and then she's gone. Sashaying out the apartment and then out of my view. I have no clue what's going on. But a second later giggling filters down the stairwell and through my door. And the next thing I know, Maureen's flitting past my door, dragging a Mark who looks like he just can't believe his luck behind her.

4 and a half minutes. I stop at my only mirror to quickly pull my hair down from the ugly ponytail I've had it up it for days. I have to pretend that I'm still pretty to get through this—it's where I get my confidence from. Hands that have been perfectly manicured and painted rose in all my free time over the past week gently shut my door behind me and I'm slipping up the stairs. I bang on the door, praying he'll answer quickly before I run away.

GOD IT'S GOOD TO BE ALIVE

I stare at the scribbled out song lyric. I remember Roger writing that song three days after we got together. The angry black line through it is enough to make me pick up my foot and turn to go… and then the door flies open. Blue-blue eyes stare at me and my mouth goes dry. My brown eyes stare back.

"Mimi?"

Author's Note/Disclaimer: Nothing's mine.

It took me forever to figure out how this chapter was going to go and how I was going to get her up there, so I'm sorry to disappear for so long. The next one should be much quicker coming, I have much more time on my hands this summer than usual. R/R please… Reviews are even better than candy.