Diclaimer
I do not own Naruto.
Summary
It all began with a harmless joke on an unsuspecting chunin. Nothing bad was supposed to happen, really, and Kakashi was suppoed to go scot-free. Instead, he got saddled with the finished problem: One super-cute Iruka chibi.
Author's Notes
Many people are probably wondering; is DC making this a yaoi? And the answer is: I don't know. But since I have a certain fondness for the KakaIru couple, something might happen when Iruka changes back… Not that I'm implying something, no, that would never do.
I would like to thank my reviewer, Dragna Vey, for pointing out the difference in achanged that in the chapter and have re-posted it. This was my first time writing Genma and I want to thank you for the detail, I haven't read into any of his stuff and only know that he protects the hokage later in the series.
On the argument about the "special jounins." I know that Genma is one of those elite guys and I would have typed it, but, alas, I have been stricken with the deadly disease of being lazy. So, when Asuma and Genma are both implied, I just write "the jounins" or something like that because it takes a lot more work to write, "the Tokubetsu Jonin and regular jounin."
Thank you and gomen nasai.
Now, enough of my ramblings. On to the fic!ge. I have
Iruka sighed while he stared at the land passing underneath him, counting rocks and other objects that passed though his vision. His eyes snapped shut when his face got a little too close for comfort to the ground. He groaned when Asuma took another turn, insides spinning from the movement.
"Are we there yet, Asuma-san?" He gagged when the man jumped into the air, the world turning upside down for a moment then righting itself.
The jounin snickered and vaulted up to another roof, feeling the smaller body cringe. "We're almost there, stop whining." He grumbled, looking behind his back to make sure he wasn't being followed. Reassured, he landed softly on the ground and walked up to a door that he knew very well.
Not that he went to this place a lot. No, he was a respectable jounin and only let himself come here to meet with some of his old friends from the academy. Who decided to join a different occupation after graduating. … Yeah, that was a real good excuse. With that in mind, Asuma walked through the door with the child under his arm.
"Hello, welcome!" A scantily clad woman said, dressed as a cowgirl, walked up to the duo and flaunting her body. She suddenly paused and a huge smile lit up her heavily makeup covered face, "Asuma-sensei! How nice of you to come" She latched onto the empty arm, calling to the room, "Girls, it's Asuma-sensei!"
"Asuma-sensei?!" Was screeched and a hoard of girls ran out of the back room. They all were dressed in bikinis or other outfits that left nothing to the imagination.
One woman, who was wearing a devil outfit and had her pitchfork in the nook of her arm, smiled down at the little child. "Aw! Asuma-sensei, you never told us you got married! And with a little one!" She picked him up from the confused jounin's arms; he was concentrating on a different woman who was dressed like a mermaid.
Another snickered, leading them into the bowels of the club, "Like Asuma-sensei could find a woman who could stand his smoking." She picked the cigarette from his mouth and took a drag from it, "Besides, he would never leave us." She pouted and stuck her lip out, effectively seeming innocent, placing the cigarette in its owner's mouth.
They pushed the duo into the darkened room, chatting all the while. "So what are you doing here, Asuma?" The bartender asked after the other girls left to get ready for work, leaving out the proper title and cleaning a glass in front of her corset covered stomach. "I didn't think you were the type to take care of kids as a favor." She smirked and hung the glass on a wire and leaned forward, effectively showing her breasts to the wide-eyed Iruka.
She paused and stared at the astonished child before chuckling nervously and standing up straight, "I'm guessing that you're hiding from someone." She smiled knowingly and resumed cleaning one more glass, "You're going to have to get rid of the kid. We can't have minors in here, no matter how early." As if to prove her point she gestured to her own body, which was covered in belt buckles to form an outfit that really didn't cover all that much.
And she was only the bartender.
Asuma sighed and looked over at the boy who was sitting on the barstool next to him, wondering what he could do to get rid of him. "Can we hang out here, let the little guy in the back with the girls? I'm teaching him to…" he searched for a word, "To appreciate women." He nodded at the woman in front of him.
"Against my better judgment, I'll let him back there." A wicked grin spread across her face, "But not you. He's more mature than you and knows not to ogle the goods." She laughed and grasped the little boys hand, pushing past the bar door and helping him of the tall chair. Her body had to bend to the side so she could escort the child to the backroom, a warming sight for Asuma to see the boy with a woman instead of a man.
"Wait a minute…" His eyes narrowed in sudden concentration. "I'm more mature!" He yelled, shaking his fist at the retreating backs before they disappeared behind the changing room door.
The woman laughed as the door closed, hearing the comment, before looking down at the child. "What's your name, cutie?" She asked, kicking a dress that was on the floor out of the small boy's way. When he didn't answer she shrugged and continued on her way, wondering what Asuma had saddled her with this time.
A wall was covered with mirrors and counters, which in turn were covered with makeup supplies and costumes. Iruka watched in awe as a woman walked past, her body covered strategically by shells. His eyes widened further when a tall stiletto heeled lady walked up, suspenders covering her breasts and holding up a shredded pair of shorts to her body. She paused and looked at the child in confusion, "Hey, Fio, I thought she dropped her kid off at the daycare."
Fio, as she was now revealed to be, snorted quietly and picked up the toddler again. "Oh, Asuma-sensei wants all us girls to keep an eye on him. To teach him how to appreciate the finer sex," She grinned and sat the child on a nearby counter, "and get him out of his hair for a while probably, too, so he can get smashed." Her hand ruffled the child's hair and she smiled softly at the child when his eyes snapped shut.
The women who had been coming closer out of curiosity, some still half dressed, began to giggle at the cuteness of the child. One dared to poke at Iruka, a chorus of "aw's" when his eyes remained closed and a blush rose on his face.
"At least he has some manners, unlike some of those men." A black haired woman said, picking up the boy and nuzzling him closer. "Can I watch him, Fio? I don't go on until later and he'll probably be asleep by then." She pleaded, not seeing the pair of brown eyes studying her from her arms. "Besides, I have some kid stuff in my bag from my sisters."
The bartender sighed and massaged her temple, fighting off an oncoming migraine, and nodded. "Fine, fine, Eliza, you can take care of him." She turned to the other girls when a chorus of groans issued from them, "But if Asuma-sensei asks for him back, one of you come and get her, okay?" When they all agreed Fio turned to leave, her leather belts creaking, and yawned hugely. "Just make sure you don't loose him." She said, "I can't chase after him tonight."
She then left the rest of them to get changed, Eliza walking farther into the room away from the hustle and bustle of the others and the "Sari! Did you see my bra?" into the back part where a small kitchen was revealed, along with all the bags of the workers.
Eliza smiled down at the child now in her care, tucking a strand of her ebony hair behind an ear, "Hello." She extended a hand to the child, "My name is Eliza, I'll be watching after you until Asuma-san comes to get you." Her bangs fell into her eyes and she grinned as she blew them up.
"My name's Iruka…" The chunin grumbled, upset at being dumped into the hands of a person he didn't know. Again. His face morphed into an adorable pout while his arms crossed in a stubborn way, he didn't want to be here.
"Why, what an adorable name! Iruka-kun!" Instead of pinching his cheek, which happened whenever he pulled this face, Eliza turned and grabbed a blue duffel bag from behind her. "I think it's a fine name for someone like you. A happy, little dolphin jumping in the sea." She didn't stop talking as she rooted through the pack, sparking the interest in the child side of Iruka.
The woman stood suddenly and closed the door when music began to pour in, "We don't need to here that." She chuckled lightly and moved back over to the child with a few books in her hands. "Now, I'm going to read you a story. Which one do you want to hear?"
Iruka grumbled and looked the other way, he wasn't going to cooperate. He stared at the wall, unaware of how much cuter he was when he ignored people.
"I have Pinocchio and some other things I can read…" She trailed off at the sight of the grumpy boy, "Or not. What do you want to do?"
The child turned to glare at her, scrunching up his face, "Don't want to read dumb story, want Kakashi-san to come and take me away from Asuma-san." He muttered crossly while sticking out his tongue after finishing.
Eliza smiled and pulled the child into her lap, avoiding the kicks and bites to her arms. "That's not a good reason. You have to tell me why you don't want to read these books." She snickered at the appalled shock that settled on the face of the boy, she was an aunt of a few years and knew how to deal with kids.
"He's a liar."
"Who is? Kakashi-san?" The woman asked, craning her head so she could look down at the sulking child who was doing the action adorably. At the mention of the jounin being a liar made the youngster crawl over onto the other side of the table, glaring at the woman and answered her question better.
"No." He shook his head violently from side to side, "Pinocchio. He's a possessed toy who lies a lot; I don't think anyone would want to read that."
She smiled at the child, wondering when her own nephews and nieces would become so philosophical on the subject of fairy tales. "Is that so?" The woman slid the book across the table, eyebrow rising in challenge, "You're going to have to tell me why I can't read you these stories. If you can I'll let you go find Asuma-sensei and even help you get him to leave."
The chunin grumbled under his breath and pulled the book towards him, flipping to the front and to the index of all the fables. He sighed and pointed to the next title, "Snow White, a lady who was followed by small woodland creatures that did her bidding. Sounds like she was a witch." He went onto the next story.
"And then there's Rapunzel." Said Iruka, looking up at Eliza. "Who in their right mind would let someone use their hair as a ladder? She could have just cut it off when the evil person wasn't there." He was about to go onto the next title when the book was grabbed back.
"Okay, okay, I see your point. Don't know how you can read, but I never look a gift horse in the mouth." Eliza said; the book discarded in her bag, "I'll just have to make up a story for you." She tapped the boy on the nose playfully.
Iruka grimaced, sure that this wasn't going to go well. "But you said you'd help me get away from Asuma-san!" When he was ignored, the woman was digging through her purse; he sat down grudgingly and crossed his arms.
Eliza grinned, pulling out a different book. It was roughly made and must have been read many a time. "This is something that my friend made for me ahead of her other books being published. This book's a little racy, more for adults, so she's waiting until her sales go up a little before getting it published." She began, narrowing her eyes at the child, "And since you're so wise in the way of stories, let's see how you like it."
She cleared her throat; looking to make sure Iruka was paying attention to her. He wasn't, instead choosing to look at the door and trying to force it to open with his mind. "Now, little boy, I shall tell you the adventures of the pigtailed mortician and her sidekick, gurney girl!"
His interest was now focused onto Eliza.
"Once upon a time, in a land called Deadmoor, there lived a pigtailed girl. Her name was Sandy." She turned the page that had a picture of a blond girl, who was playing with a skeleton boy, to the next, which featured an adult stitching an arm to a body. "She grew up to be a mortician.
"This pleased her parents very much so, since they believed that persons would always die. It seemed the best occupation in a town where death reigned supreme." Two proud adults were seen hugging the woman, tears streaming down their faces. The lady didn't look happy.
A flip of the page later and Eliza continued, aware of the wide eyes of the boy on the illustrations. "Now, this mortician had many friends, but her closest was a girl named Chel. She pushed in all the gurneys and tried to assist her employer when she could. She was a little clumsy so she couldn't help that much."
The girl, who had large glasses, was shown stumbling and throwing a tray that had medical instruments. The next page showed Sandy in a fix. She was pinned to the wall with scalpels and was holding a syringe in her teeth, needle almost down her esophagus. Chel was blushing nearby in shame.
"Unbeknownst to the town people, Sandy and Chel were really superheroes!" Eliza exclaimed, pointing to the transformed figures, capes fluttering behind their figures in an imaginary wind. "They called themselves the pigtailed mortician and gurney girl!
"They fought the greatest of enemies! Ranging from the evil underpants stealers," Shady fiends were seen tiptoeing away from a sorority, bags filled with booty, "To visiting in-laws." Huge relatives tried to squeeze through a tiny doorway to attack the huddled children, who were whimpering in fear.
"Of course they always defeated them." The foes had been piled on top of each other, the pigtailed mortician and gurney girl standing atop them. "And peace returned to Deadmoor again!"
Eliza smiled when Iruka crawled into her lap to look at the pictures, shifting the book so he could see them better. His head lolled wearily from side to side and he shook it to try and stay awake. When the story didn't continue the boy turned to the storyteller, "What happened next? I want to know."
"I thought you didn't like 'dumb stories'." She air quoted the child's words, smirking down at him. "I don't know if I want to finish this story. Besides, who in their right mind would want to know about the evil villan who takes over Deadmoor?" Eliza said; eyes traveling to the clock and estimating the time it would take for the child to fall asleep.
Iruka craned his head up to the woman with a look, "You have to be kidding. You can't say that and then not finish!" He stated, eyes widening. "So can you continue, please?" He batted his eyelashes at Eliza, "You read it pretty."
"Fine, fine. Since you flatter me so well." Eliza laughed, picking up the book with a new grip and licked her thumb to turn the next page easier.
"His name was The Dragon." A picture of a skinny man wearing a pair of lizard wings was shown, glowing letters above him proclaiming that he was, indeed, The Dragon. "One day, he was going to rule the world, he decided. And to do that, he would have to get rid of the pigtailed mortician and gurney girl.
"So, he planned and he plotted, plotted and planned, until he came up with the ultimate plan!" The nerd like man was seen laughing fiendishly, hands curled in victory, while lightning blazed in the background. "He would enlist the help of his Happy Panda Group robots and they would control the world with their bubblegum kamikaze's!"
The man was seen working on the robots, which were in different colors and smiled happily as he attached legs and gave them brains. "They laid siege to the city, attacking everyone in sight." The bears led the people of Deadmoor into prisons, laughing and smiling as they did.
Eliza flipped the page, yawning, "The pigtailed mortician and gurney girl had no idea what to do! The robots were so strange and were so happy when they captured people that the superheroes were soon also imprisoned." The two women were pictured tied up with a rope.
"They quickly assessed the situation, since that was what you should do when things are going bad, and broke the ropes when the pigtailed mortician's trusty dog came and saved them." A dog made of bones pulled at the ropes, snapping them as if they were nothing, "He answered to the name of Bonsey McScruff Scruff."
Suddenly the door behind the two opened, a woman who was dressed in a feathery nightgown that was see-through walking in. "Eliza, you're needed in section seven. It's time for my break." The lady yawned and walked back the way she came, leaving the door open.
Iruka looked from the half closed doorway to the person whose lap he was sitting in. It had never crossed the chunin's mind that she was a stripper like the rest of them.
"That's that. I guess someone else is going to have to finish the story for you." Eliza stood up, shedding her shirt and revealing an outfit that would make any man to have a nosebleed. "I'll see you later, cutie. If you're still awake." She then turned and with a final wink, walked out the door to go to work.
The child closed the book in his hands, sliding it on the table before pulling it back. "I'm going to read you. But first I have to find Asuma-san." He nodded, a plan in mind, and pushed off the chair to follow the footsteps of Eliza.
He stumbled after the woman, wandering into the dressing room and seeing things that a male should never see without paying a fee of some sort. In this case, it was his innocence.
Groups of women turned around in fear when a scream was heard behind them, covering themselves the best they could while thinking that a man had snuck into the changing room. None of them looked down to see the crying child run past, his hands clamped over his eyes firmly as he ran to the open door, leaving his book discarded on the ground.
Meanwhile, Asuma was having the time of his life. Not that he enjoyed any of this. That would be bad. The lady in front of him was doing all the right stuff, dressed as a rabbit, as he didn't think he was going to be leaving his seat anytime soon. With other men surrounding him, he knew that they would take his chair the moment her left, so he did the only thing a sane man would do. He continued to stare at the thin body in front of him.
Nursing his drink, he almost poured the entire mug down his front when a jerk on his pants made him look down to see Iruka. "What the hell are you doing here?" He asked, wondering what god was angry with him. Before the child could answer he shook his head, "Never mind, just stay down there and don't make a sound. We'll leave in a few minutes."
With a whimper, Iruka scrambled underneath the table and watched the legs go past. 'I wanna go now…' He thought sulkily, hugging his knees. When Asuma made no move to leave, Iruka sighed, 'I'll just have to go myself.' He crawled from the other side of the table and headed to the door, avoiding anyone who would stop him.
The jounin, who was supposed to be looking after the small child, turned back to the platform to see the woman he was watching kneeling on the other side of the stage. Thinking that his show was over, and he did need to get Iruka somewhere safe, he was about to push out from his chair when the woman leaned backwards from her location. Craning her body back to the man.
This allowed Asuma to look at the woman's front from a very nice view. But since she was leaning over in this strange position, it also let him see the woman's face.
"Give me him back, Asuma-baka." Red eyes narrowed dangerously as the woman slipped into a sitting position, legs crossed sensually in front of the man. "If you do, I won't rip your spinal cord out of your body." She smiled, contrasting with the frustrated expression that was on her face only a moment ago.
Asuma could only stare at the poorly clothed woman who was dressed like a kitty cat, wondering what hell he had died and gone to. "Give who back?" He muttered, jaw remaining in its down position and him vaguely feeling his cigarette butt fall to the ground.
The other jounin growled, standing to her full height and earning cheers from the men still watching. "You know who I'm talking about!" She demanded while pointing downwards. Then she leaned forward to glare into Asuma's eyes, only to get the strangest outcome.
The man screamed, hands covering his eyes much like Iruka's were when he was running for his life.
Kurenai sighed as she leaned against the metal pole to her side, twirling her tail through her fingers as the man slammed his head on the stage and effectively knocked himself out. She rolled her eyes to the ceiling, wincing when a man slapped her ass after putting a dollar underneath her g-string.
"This is going to be a long night…" She sighed before cracking her knuckles and attacking the guy in back of her.
To be continued...
End of Chapter Junk:
Heeheehee. Kurenai is a part time stripper... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
And poor Asuma, trying to make the most unethical things right.
Iruka escapes! Where was Kakashi this chapter? Hmm...