Chapter Six

It may sound pathetic, but I've thought about this forever. Since I ran away. What I would do if I saw Roger again. I thought about how I'd stand there, just stand there, and let him hurt me however he needed to until it was fair and he was okay again. How I'd let him yell at me or grab my wrists or punch the wall or… punch me. Whatever he needed. I always knew that I'd stand there, silently, and take anything he threw at me because that was what I deserved.

What I never thought about was what I would say to Roger so he would know this was what was happening. I guess I always thought the words would come. But now I'm standing here, my eyes locked with Roger's, and the words aren't coming. In fact, my mouth feels like it's filled with cotton and I can't swallow and I think I'm just on this side of hyperventilating.

Because his eyes are filled with tears.

"Mimi?" He asks again. His voice is hoarser this time, from his struggles not to cry, I guess. Before I can quite grasp what's going on, he's got his arms around me. His fingers are tangled in my hair and he's got my head pushed hard against his chest. "Oh Jesus, you're really here. I thought maybe I was… Mimi…"

I can feel his entire body shaking—vibrating, almost—as my head lies on his chest and I feel like I should stop him holding me, but there still aren't any words coming. I still can't even breathe right. Suddenly, my head is away from his chest and Roger's staring intently into my eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispers and my breath catches before getting even more erratic. Everything's starting to spin around me. "I'll never hurt you again. Please stay."

I can't even grasp his words… if I just close my eyes for a second, maybe I'll be able…

My eyes won't open back up.

My eyes won't open back up and my senses are overwhelmed by the smell of Axe body wash and cigarette smoke and some type of soft fabric touching my bare arms. It's Roger's smell… it's Roger's bed. I could recognize it always. I fight against my heavy eyes to open them and my field of vision is immediately overwhelmed by the sight of Roger sitting on the edge of his bed. Cradling his guitar in his lap and running his fingers through his hair like he always does when he's nervous. "I…"

"Mimi!" He set the guitar against the wall and carefully stretches out on the bed next to me. He's lying on his stomach and one hand is gently resting on my cheek. It's like I haven't even been gone for months. "You passed out. It freaking terrified me. Are you…?"

"I'm not sick." I've been getting better since Benny got me the medicines and I know why I passed out anyway. There's no reason to freak him out. "I just got a little overwhelmed."

My eyes sweep over his body and I realize I was wrong before. You can tell I've been gone. He's a lot skinner now, just like I am. And his face looks… tighter. More drawn in or something. I hurt him bad. "Rog, I'm so sorry. I… Yell at me. Please. Hurt me like I hurt you."

He looks down at me, his brow wrinkled up in confusion. "Mimi, what are you talking about?" He's been rubbing his thumb over my cheekbone and I can almost see the tension drawing out of his face as he does. Maybe it's not insane to think that all he really wanted was just me back.

"When I kissed-"

"I don't care anymore." I stare at him for a second, before realizing he's not lying. He really doesn't care anymore. "I never should have… shit, with Mark you could have pecked him on the cheek and he woulda reacted like that. I shoulda known it wasn't a big deal. 'Sides… I know I made you do it."

"Roger, you couldn't have made-"

"I drove you to it." I open my mouth, but he lays one of his fingers over it. "I haven't spoken to Mark since you left… I've had a lot of time to think. Don't you think I know I did stuff wrong?"

"Roger, it's over." There. I said it. I interrupted him and I feel like I'm dying inside, but I said it. I promised myself I would.

"It is." I'm a little shocked by how easily he agreed with me, until I feel his arms slip around me and look up at the earnestness in his eyes. He didn't get it. "It's all over, Meems, but we're gonna start over. If… if you want to. I won't yell anymore, I won't get jealous… I'll work at it, I promise. I won't make you hurt anymore."

My head starts to spin again and I take a deep breathe, praying I'm not going to pass out anymore. "I did bad—"

"I know." Roger gently presses a kiss against my forehead and I want to pull away, but I'm too caught up in everything he's saying. Nothing's the way I expected it to be and I'm worried that if I push it too much, I'll find out that it's just a dream and Roger never actually wants anything to do with me again. "You did bad things too. I've been furious at you enough to know it's not just me. But… you can try too. If we start over and just try, I know we can be good together. I… Mimi, I love you and I wouldn't keep running back or opening the door to you if I didn't know somewhere that we're supposed to be together."

He's openly crying now, and so am I. He's not going to yell at me… he's not going to hurt me back. And I sort of know that's not what's fair. This is what's fair. It's what I want—always—and if it's what he wants too, then it's what he deserves.

I feel one of his tears hit my cheek and slowly lean up to kiss the trail it left down his face. I can feel him shudder as my lips touch his jaw and I know that there's no going back now. We're forever.

"Mimi…" he whispers, holding me tighter against him. "Promise me. It won't be perfect, but we'll both try. Don't leave."

I bury my head in his chest, feeling the tears start to soak into his black t-shirt. "Don't push me away."

"Not anymore."

I look up at Roger now and nod slowly. "I promise." Those are the magic words. He pulls at the flannel sheet under it's over both of us and links his arms back around my waist as we cry together and swear we love each other. And I try to readjust my mind to understand this way we are so I can stop feeling like I'm dying inside.

Author's Note: So, apparently I do still suck at life (or updating, at least)… but this chapter did come much more quickly than the last one and hopefully it'll keep increasing like that. Reviews may encourage me to write faster? hint hint