Author's Note: This is a story meant to be a "prologue," of sorts, to our forthcoming gigantic tale of Starscream, Skyfire, and Megatron called "Redemption." It takes place on Cybertron, before there was a war and even before there was any such thing as the Decepticons and, obviously, before the Transformers had heard of Earth. It's meant to be our interpretation of the formation of the relationship between Skyfire and Starscream prior to his crash on Earth, to be contrasted with their relationship in "Redemption."
As you can guess, it's "slash," for those of you who believe that giant robots from outer space can have true gender and can therefore have "same-sex relationships." For the rest of you, it's just goopy romance.
The title, incidentally, is Latin. It means "innocent," which pretty much sums up these two at this point in time. sigh Poor guys…
Insontis
Tap, tap, tap.
I looked up from my work and, without thinking too much about it, smiled at the door. I knew exactly who it was that was gently tapping at the door to my quarters, after all, and I began to feel all fluttery and excited inside at the thought of seeing him.
Wait a minute. This is not good. In fact, this is bad. Very bad. This is why you're leaving, Starscream. Remember?
At the thought, my smile slowly, incrementally faded, morphing into a troubled frown instead. Of course I remembered why I was leaving, why I had to leave. I knew that I was leaving because of Skyfire. Oh, it wasn't because of anything that he'd done, certainly; he'd been nothing but wonderful on many different levels. Rather, the problem was with me, all with me. I was leaving because I'd discovered that just thinking—much less saying—Skyfire's name sent a shiver through me that reached the very depths of my core. And that was frightening, to say the least. Frightening and completely inappropriate…and yet, at the very same time, deeply exciting. So on the one hand, I wanted more of that feeling…but on the other, stronger hand I just wanted to run away so that I didn't have to deal with that confusing mix of emotions.
So I sighed as I stared at the door with a mixture of longing and fear, as different emotions battled with each other for supremacy in my mind. It was a familiar battle now, one that I'd been fighting for nearly a year and a half, ever since Skyfire had transferred to the research base where I worked and I'd first seen him. Or maybe it had been since I'd started working regularly with him... Whatever the case, in the end it didn't matter. All that was important was that the battle was quickly becoming far, far too much for me to bear. I knew that I needed to escape from it. After all, if I ran away, I knew that the emotions would fade with time and then…Then my life would go on as it had always been meant to go on. I knew, after all, that I wasn't really meant to be with Skyfire. In fact, I wasn't meant to be with anyone. It was simply not in my contrary, aloof nature.
So, when I'd heard about a pending exploratory mission to the Octorian system, a mission that was expected to take up to thirty years to complete, I found myself signing up for it without hesitation. My name was first on the list, even. True, thirty years was not a terribly long stretch of time in the grand scheme of things, but it was long enough—so I hoped—to purge from my system these disturbing feelings for Skyfire. Or, at the very least, I reasoned that during that length of time that I was away, Skyfire would meet someone else, become…friends with that person…and then I'd have no worries at all when I returned home. Skyfire would be happy. I'd be happy. Everyone would just be so…happy.
But then, on the other hand…the thought of Skyfire being with someone else, working with someone else, spending all of his free time with someone else, filled me with a profound sadness and, I was forced to admit, not a small bit of jealousy. He was my…friend. I knew that no one else could appreciate him the way I did. No one else could need him as much I did. No one else could love him as much as—
No, no! Bad Starscream! Don't go there.
A small groan escaped my lips as I propped my elbows on the table and buried my face in my hands while a flood of conflicting and confused thoughts ran through my head. Maybe everyone else on the base was right about me. Maybe I was crazy after all. Why couldn't I just love Skyfire like a friend, like the intelligent and capable colleague that he was? Why did I feel such an overwhelmingly strong pull from deep within my spark whenever he was close to me? I'd never been attracted to anyone in my life. Why now? Why him? I didn't—couldn't—understand it all. All that I knew was that I didn't want to leave him; I knew that I simply had to do so because eventually, inevitably, I'd slip. I knew that I would. I'd say or do something that would reveal my true feelings for Skyfire to him and that, I was sure, would hurt him very deeply. And then he'd be afraid of me, just like everyone else seemed to be afraid of me…and then he'd leave me without a backward glance, just like everyone else did.
So, I decided that, this time, I was going to be proactive. I was going to leave first. That way no one would be hurt, and I avoided the whole blasted emotional problem that was plaguing me more and more with each passing day.
Tap, tap, tap.
My head jerked up at the sound. I'd been so preoccupied with my thoughts that I'd forgotten that Skyfire was waiting patiently—He was always unfailingly patient.—at the door. I opened my mouth to admit him, closed it in order to hesitate for a moment longer, and then, steeling myself, said the words.
"Come in, Skyfire," I said, as cheerily as I could under the circumstances
The door slid open and Skyfire ducked into my room. His presence in my quarters instantly filled me with a warm and secure sensation. I'd never felt more comfortable, more free to relax, than when I was with him. And then, at the thought, I began to feel that strange pulling sensation from my spark again. So, after hardly two seconds of exposure to him, my resolve was already crumbling. There had to be something wrong with me; I was sure that he wasn't experiencing any of this…stuff. Skyfire, after all, was never anything but calm and completely in control of himself, emotionally and otherwise. I only wished that I could say the same for myself.
Skyfire gave me a weak smile as he sat himself down in the large chair that was conveniently across from mine.
"You leave soon, Starscream," he said quietly, without preamble. "I will…miss you."
There was a definite note of sadness in Skyfire's words, and his expression—his entire demeanor, in fact—mirrored the tone of his voice. I could always tell when he was distressed, for he couldn't hide his feelings even if his life depended on it. He wore them plainly and easily, in the way that other people wore fancy armor or a bright, attention-getting paint job. Skyfire's emotions were always right on the surface, on display for all the world to see. He was one of the most easily readable people I had ever met, and that was one of the qualities that I loved most about him. With Skyfire there were never any disguises, never any hidden agendas, never any play-acting or mind games. It was yet another quality in him that brought me a wonderful sense of security and ease when we were together.
I looked up into Skyfire's big, blue eyes and assured him lightly, as if I had not a care in the world, "I'll be gone for less than thirty years, Skyfire. I'll be back before you know it. Besides, this is a great opportunity for advancement for me."
Yep, that was me, all right, all bright and carefree on the outside, but dying a slow, miserable death on the inside. Unlike Skyfire, I could never show my true self to the outside world. It was a defense mechanism, I knew, but it was one that I desperately needed because I knew that if anyone did happen to see who I really was, then they'd run away, screaming in horror. As it was, most people still ran away from me even when I was acting. Except for Skyfire, of course. So far, he'd never run away, not even when I launched at him, completely without warning, one of my patented exploding temper episodes. He just sat there, listening attentively and often sympathetically to my tirade until I had completely exhausted myself with my fuming, so much so that I couldn't say another word. Then we'd talk a little and then find something to laugh at. Which had, of course, totally defused my anger and made me feel so much better…
Oh Primus, I was going to miss Skyfire so…
It was then, as I looked at him while thinking about how much I was going to miss him, that I noticed that Skyfire was in turn looking at me with deep, probing curiosity. I knew that sometimes he could easily see through my façade, and when he did, he'd always question me about whatever was on my mind at that moment.
"What?" I said defensively, automatically trying to deflect his attention elsewhere to prevent him from probing more deeply. I was probably a little too defensive, in fact, which I knew would, unfortunately for me, only serve to intrigue him all the more.
Skyfire just stared at me for a moment longer, no doubt thinking about what he was going to say. He was always thinking before he spoke. While I didn't doubt that it was a good quality to have—and it was certainly one that I didn't possess—it could also be quite annoying at times. Fortunately, this time he didn't think too long.
Cocking his head inquisitively to the side, staring at me guilelessly, Skyfire quietly asked, "Are you truly happy about leaving for so long, Starscream?"
"Yes," I answered quickly. Too quickly. "Of course I am. I told you, it's a wonderful opportunity."
No, no, no! I hate this mission! I hate the idea of leaving you! And most of all, I hate myself for feeling this way about you!
Skyfire sat back in his chair and let out a long, weary sigh while I tried in vain to silence the protesting going on in my own mind.
"All right, then, " he finally, slowly, responded. Was that a bit of disappointment I detected? Of course it wasn't… "Well," he was continuing meanwhile, "even though I will miss you, I am excited about this opportunity for you. It should be…quite the adventure," he finished with a game, albeit weak, smile.
It was at that moment that I noticed just how tired Skyfire seemed, but his weariness wasn't, I thought, physical. Rather, it was as if he was mentally fatigued or stressed in some way.
"You have a rough day today, Skyfire?" I asked, genuinely concerned now. I even momentarily thought about reaching across the small distance between us to lay a comforting hand on his arm…but, given the confused, roiling nature of my emotions about him at the moment, I quickly decided that that wouldn't be a good idea at all.
"Not too bad, really," Skyfire was answering my question, meanwhile. "I've just been doing quite a bit of thinking."
"Judging by your appearance, I'd say you've been doing way too much thinking," I commented with a smile and a wink, trying to lighten the mood.
It must have worked at least a little bit because Skyfire chuckled and his face relaxed as he answered me. "I look that bad, do I?" he ruefully asked.
Then we both laughed. Laughter was one of the things that made our friendship so incredibly unique. We laughed all the time. We laughed at each other, we laughed at other people, and we laughed at the world. I'd never laughed so much in all my life as much as I had in the short time that I'd known Skyfire. And right at that moment, we both needed laughter desperately.
After we quieted down, an odd, almost calculating expression crossed his face. And then, unexpectedly, he leaned over the table between us and whispered conspiratorially in my audios, "Let's go for one more fly, Starscream. One last time before you have to leave."
For a moment, I thought I was literally going to pass out. Having him so close, speaking into my audios like that, was almost too much to bear. I wanted to wrap my arms around his head and just listen to his voice, so close…
Wrooooong! Fly Starscream. He was asking you if you wanted to go flying. Flying. Nothing more.
"Uh, s-sure," I stammered, making a mighty effort to pull myself back to reality. "Yeah, we can go for a fly, Skyfire. The shuttle doesn't leave for three days, so we can go for a nice long one. If you want to, that is."
"Well, let's go then," Skyfire responded as he stood up to leave, his face lit up with excitement. Skyfire loved flying almost as much as I did. Most fliers loved it, of course, but I'd never met anyone with a passion for it that even came close to matching mine. We spent most of our down time in outer space above Cybertron, racing, playing, exploring, and sometimes just floating around, talking for hours. It was the only place where we both felt free from the suffocating confines of the base.
There were many forms of entertainment on Cybertron, of course, but none of them gave us more pleasure than flying free and weightless in zero gravity. We were surprised that no one else seemed to be interested in this activity. We'd invited others along many times, but they usually refused, usually giving us the excuse that it burned too much energon. Which, of course, it did, but Skyfire could hold enough back-up fuel to support an entire squad of fliers in space for weeks. Still, no one was ever interested in joining us. Apparently, we were the only two eccentrics that liked to space hop. And, actually, I was kind of glad about that. I liked spending time alone—truly alone—with Skyfire, even if we were just talking. In fact, he was the only person I could tolerate being alone with for such long periods of time.
I just couldn't imagine finding another person that I would feel so comfortable with, so I knew that, by leaving Skyfire without telling him how I felt about him, I was essentially condemning myself to a life without much in the way of companionship. But if it meant that it spared Skyfire's feelings, then that was fine with me. I would, after all, do anything to protect him…including protecting him from me and my wayward emotions.
That was the thought that I held in my mind—reminding myself that by leaving Skyfire I was protecting him—as we headed down the corridor together toward the landing platform outside. As I walked beside Skyfire, I realized that this could be the last time I would walk down this very corridor with him, that this would be our last fly…
Oh, why did I feel like the next few days would be the beginning of the end of my life instead of the start of an exciting new mission? I should have been happy. I was saving Skyfire and myself from a sizeable quantity of pain and anguish. More importantly, if I left now, then I'd be saving our friendship in the future. That was A Good Thing, was it not?
Yes Starscream, very good. Leaving to preserve a friendship is good. Ruining it by telling him that you love him is bad.
Fine, then. I supposed that saving mine and Skyfire's friendship was the real mission here. I could do that. If I looked at the whole thing as a mission and attached no emotional significance to it whatsoever, then I knew I could succeed. I straightened my posture then and raised my head a little higher as a renewed feeling of confidence flowed through me. I was on a mission! I was Starscream, bold and undauntable! I was doing A Good Thing!
…And then we passed the laboratory wing as we approached one of the large bay doors that opened into the base. The labs…
Suddenly my confidence shattered like a defective cockpit canopy. My shoulders slumped and my hands curled into fists as I was reminded of one of the most amazing things about Skyfire. It was in those rooms, after all, that we discovered just how perfect our friendship was. I slowed my pace just slightly, not enough that Skyfire would notice, as we passed the lab rooms.
I'd always worked alone. Oh, I could work on generic, mundane daily stuff with others, but if I was working on a special project, one that required all of my concentration and energies, then I had to be left alone. My supervisors tried a few times to assign me a lab partner, but it had never worked out. Those assigned to me were usually idiots with nothing to contribute, and I ended up scaring them away. Or sometimes I'd be assigned someone who was actually competent and intelligent, who had useful ideas, but then it always seemed as if our personalities would clash, or that they wanted more control of the project than I was willing to give them, or some other such trouble would usually ensue. Usually, they would storm out of the lab, loudly declaring my utter insanity and refusing to work with me again. Which was fine with me because that was the way I liked it. In fact, sometimes I thought that I deliberately drove people away because I preferred to be alone…
But when Skyfire had arrived and we had become friends, he had offered to help me with a certain project with which I had been having some trouble. Since I considered him a friend, I warned Skyfire that I was impossible to work with, that I'd need total control of every aspect of any project that we worked on, that I was extremely picky about equipment, and that I absolutely refused to allow anyone to organize my clutter. All of my warnings, though, did not diminish Skyfire's excitement over the prospect of working with me. So, we had tried it one day and, as always, his good-natured presence had had a calming effect on me. He listened intently to everything that I had to say, and then he offered up various suggestions. I had discovered that he often had the most marvelous ideas, and that when we applied those ideas to some of my designs, the results were usually incredible. The things we came up with in those labs had earned us both more promotions and honors than we could ever have achieved individually.
And much to my vast amazement there was never a single conflict between us when we worked together, never a fight over who would get credit for what, and never a bruised ego. When we worked together it was like a single, finely tuned machine operating in perfect harmony. Oh, occasionally I'd catch him trying to clean up one of my organized clutter piles, for which I'd give him my patented Glower Of Death…but then he'd give me that innocent "Who me?" look and proceed to melt me with his beautiful smile. So, astonished word had spread through our small science base that the impossible Starscream had finally found a lab partner who could tolerate him, who could even enjoy working with him.
Partner…Skyfire was my partner, yes. I loved the sound of that word when I associated it with Skyfire.
Colleague. Associate. Co-worker, I reminded myself as Skyfire and I approached the doors. That's all that the word means, Starscream. Nothing more. Now snap out of this silly daydream, you!
I did. Skyfire and I were standing just outside the bay doors, and Skyfire was looking down at me. Then, he suddenly, playfully pushed me aside and took off with an explosion of burning fuel.
"See you in space, Starscream!"
"Hey!" I shouted back at him, but he was already out of hearing range. I flicked on my internal 'com as I transformed and took off to catch up to him. "Good thing you got that nice little head start, 'cause you're going to need it!"
His laughter came singing over the com as I quickly caught up to him. We raced through the upper atmosphere of Cybertron and out into the vast, black emptiness of space. We kept going until our home was nothing more than a tiny speck amidst a billion other specks of light that dotted the space around us. We continued to needle each other and challenge each other with various games of skill as we flew heedlessly, recklessly through space. It was exhilarating. How, I wondered, could I leave this?
Because it's the right thing to do, I mentally reminded myself.
Of course. The right thing. Always the right thing.
I checked my chronometer. Had it already been two hours? Time seemed to pass much too quickly when I was with Skyfire. I sighed inwardly and decided to stop for a rest. Skyfire had not noticed me slowing down and had gone on ahead. I watched as he performed a perfect double colliding loop. Well, an almost perfect double colliding loop. I was still the more agile of the two of us. I'd have to show him…
No more showing him anything, Starscream, I reminded myself again. You'll be gone in a few days.
But…
You have no choice.
No choice. Right.
Why was it that I always seemed to find myself in situations where I had no choice but the one that hurt me the most? Why did I do this to myself? I had never planned for any of this to happen with Skyfire. I had promised myself long ago that I would never get close to anyone. I was completely comfortable with my solitary lifestyle. So what if others thought I was odd? I hardly cared what they thought of me. Why had I gone and broken that promise to myself?
"Now who's thinking too much?"
Skyfire had snuck up on me while I was in the depths of my well-deserved pity party and startled me back into reality. He had pulled up beside me and was now tormenting me with that wonderful calm smile of his.
"I wasn't thinking, Skyfire," I lied. "I was relaxing. I was just trying to relax a bit before I have to head back to base and finish up all the last minute pre-trip assignments."
"Do you have much to do still?" he asked, his smile fading slightly.
"Actually I do." That wasn't a lie. Since deep down I really didn't want to go on this mission, I had been procrastinating with getting everything ready to go. "I still have to go through my lab and gather up some equipment."
Then Skyfire became very quiet. His smile was completely gone now, and a thoroughly grim expression had replaced it. I could tell that he was lost in thought. We floated for a while in silence, me pretending to relax and enjoy the silence, him looking very serious and introspective. I began to worry that maybe in my desperation to hide my true feelings for him I had perhaps come off as being a little too cold and indifferent toward him. We were very close friends, after all. And close friends were usually sad when one had to leave the other…
…Only I knew that I couldn't do that. I couldn't let any sadness show. I couldn't let Skyfire know that I didn't want to leave him. I couldn't give him any indication of that whatsoever because I knew that if I showed even a tiny bit of sadness, then the floodgates would burst open and I'd crumble into a million blubbering pieces in front of him. So I was stuck with the other extreme, with trying to make Skyfire believe that I was completely indifferent about the prospect of not seeing him again for a few decades.
What does it matter? You'll be gone soon and this whole nasty situation will eventually fade from your memory. He'll get over your "coldness," and you'll get over him. It's all good.
Which was, likely, true. Skyfire would eventually forget about me and make new friends. Hopefully, he'd make friends who wouldn't hurt him and treat him…well, indifferently. I turned to Skyfire and was about to tell him that we should get going, when he surprised me by speaking up first.
"Starscream," he said, both his voice and his expression solemn and thoughtful, "before we head back I need to speak with you about something."
"Sure, Skyfire. Anything." I was smiling as I said the words, but inside I began to experience that "sinking feeling." He was being much too serious for his forthcoming words to be anything but bad news.
"I am…not sure where to start," Skyfire was saying hesitantly—and hesitation wasn't like him so I knew that whatever he was going to say to me was going to be bad. That sinking feeling was rapidly being replaced by raw, unbridled panic. "I only know that I must tell you some things that might upset you, though it is not my intention to do so."
"You know you can talk to me about anything, Skyfire," I assured him, but despite my best efforts to sound calm and cool, my words still sounded shaky. "If this is about the mission—" I ventured.
"No, it is not about the mission." Skyfire interrupted. "Well, maybe it has a little to do with the mission, but…oh, I don't know, I'm just so confused right now. I wish I could understand what is going on…" Then he looked me right in the eyes, "…without hurting you."
Primus, he knows! He knows, he knows, he knows!
I shut my eyes and tried to silence the screaming in my head. It couldn't be! How could he possibly know how I felt? I'd been so careful. So very, very careful…
He knows. Foolish, foolish Starscream.
At that moment, all I wanted to do was fly back to Cybertron as fast as I could and lock myself up in the mission shuttle and not come out till we hit solid ground in the Octorian system. But I was stuck. I had to see this through to its bitter, horrible end and then fly back to Cybertron as fast as I could. I reluctantly opened my eyes and tried to steady my voice.
"Um…you're c-confused?" I stammered.
"Yes," Skyfire said with a nod, apparently not noticing my distress. "I thought it was supposed to be different. I thought that when two friends became close, and got along amicably, they then decided—upon mutual agreement of course—that they should pursue a pre-bonding relationship. Then, over the course of several, sometimes tens, sometimes hundreds of years, they finally reach a point where they are ready to join. I thought that was the way it worked. But now…I…It's not like that. I mean, with you…I think." Then he took one measuring look at my expression and made a face. "I'm not making any sense here, am I?"
I felt a tiny bit of relief from the fact that it looked like Skyfire might not know how I felt. But I would have felt even better he wasn't talking about relationships at all. I smiled weakly, as if the whole thing were a silly misunderstanding. "That's all right," I said. "Maybe…maybe this is something we can discuss at another time. We should probably get back, now."
I turned away from Skyfire then, fully prepared to transform and gratefully flee back to Cybertron, but Skyfire caught my arm and gently held onto me.
"Wait, Starscream," he said, uncharacteristic urgency in his voice even though he was still refusing to look me in the eye. "I am sorry for being so vague," he said quietly, "but this is all…all so strange to me. I have no desire to damage the relationship that we already have, but I have to tell you this."
Great. Typical Skyfire, I thought. He just won't take a hint.
Just as I was considering how going into emergency stasis lock at that moment might actually improve the situation, Skyfire looked up at me and spoke with such conviction and, perhaps, hopefulness that I couldn't tear my gaze away from his.
"When I told you I was I happy for you about this opportunity to go on this mission," he blurted, "I wasn't being completely honest with you."
"That's all right…" I said, trying to reassure him that he really need not continue on this line of thought. Skyfire, though, refused to be derailed from his train of thought.
"I am not happy about you going away, Starscream," Skyfire confessed. "In fact, the thought of being alone here, without you, has been distressing me to such an extent, that I find I cannot concentrate on my work and my sleep cycles have become erratic. I am constantly thinking about you, Starscream."
Then he let go of my arm and put a little distance between us, as if he thought that I might physically lash out at him for what he'd said. He looked up into my eyes once more, his expression a mixture of confusion and grief. "Like I said before, I do not understand these feelings. They are completely alien to me. And in fact, I wasn't even aware that they were there, but when you told me that you were going away, suddenly I couldn't stop thinking about how much I'd miss you, how much I…needed you."
I stared at Skyfire for a long moment, my mouth hanging open in stunned silence. I considered his words carefully. I repeated them in my mind over and over until I couldn't deny the truth of what he had just told me. The pulling within my spark, that feeling of never wanting to be out of Skyfire's presence, the utter delight I felt anytime we were together; all those feelings had been shared this whole time. It was like being dunked in a vat of freezing cold lubricant: A shock to the system at first, but then once it started to soak in, it felt wonderful.
"Please believe that my intention is not to upset you, Starscream," Skyfire said as he startled me out of my thoughts. "I was hoping you could…somehow…help me to understand these feelings."
And there was the difference between him and me. I had known exactly what was going on between us since the very beginning. From the first time we worked together up until the moment I'd volunteered for that mission, I'd known precisely what was going on within myself, and it had frightened me. So I'd decided that it was better to run away than to acknowledge and follow through on such powerful emotions. Skyfire, on the other hand, who was usually so calm and self-assured, had been agonizing over his feelings for me. Apparently he'd had some preconceived idea of what love was supposed to be like, and I supposed that what he was experiencing wasn't meshing with what he "knew" was true. I shook my head and chuckled at the irony of it all. In response, Skyfire tightened his lips and looked away from me.
Good one, Starscream. He just ripped himself open and spilled all his innards in front of you and what do you do? You laugh. Great!
I sighed inwardly. Sometimes I really hated myself. But there was no time for self-condemnation now. Skyfire deserved some answers, and now it was up to me to acknowledge and affirm what he'd just shared with me. Sure, I knew what we were both experiencing. I knew what he needed to hear; I just wasn't very competent at relaying those thoughts and feelings in words. He was always the one who seemed to know just what to say, not me. So I figured I'd improvise and hope that I wouldn't say anything that would just confuse him more. Or, worse, hurt him.
"Skyfire, I know those feelings," I said, as calmly as I could, consciously trying to emulate the way that he normally spoke, thinking that it might help him to understand. He looked up as I spoke to him, his demeanor calm yet guarded. "I know them," I continued, "because I've felt them, too. I mean, I've felt the same things for you." Actually the only thing I was feeling at the moment was awkward. But I had to keep going or I'd lose my nerve completely. "Look, what I'm trying to say is that I think we've been sharing the same feelings for each other this whole time."
"If that's true…then why are you leaving, Starscream? There's no reason for you to go, if you feel for me the way that I feel for you."
Confession time, Starscream.
The truth, of course, was that I didn't like being vulnerable. In fact, I hated it. And I saw any attachment to anyone as a vulnerability, something that could be used against me or that, if it went wrong, would completely devastate me, leaving me defenseless. And besides that, I'd always been an extremely private person, keeping things—thoughts, emotions, my true inner self—to myself. Skyfire's ability to be so open and emotionally exposed all the time mystified me. And now it was my turn to expose a part of myself that I'd kept carefully hidden for as long as I could remember. I looked at Skyfire and watched as a range of unchecked emotions—bewilderment, frustration and even a bit of sorrowfulness—played across his features. I knew I owed him at least as much as he was giving me, and I knew, at least on an intellectual level, that it would be all right to open up to him.
He is safe.
I held on to that thought as the next words fell out of my mouth.
"Because I'm frightened , Skyfire," I blurted out.
"What are you frightened of?" he asked softly, compassionately. "Have I done something—?"
"No," I interrupted. "No, it's not you, of course. I don't think I could ever be fearful of you. In fact, it's just the opposite. When I'm with you I feel completely secure. And that security means so much to me, Skyfire. I've never felt that way around anyone before." I reached across my chest and began to stroke my own arm nervously. "I'm just terrified…of me."
He looked at me curiously but remained quiet so I could try to sort out what I wanted to say.
"I'm a difficult person, Skyfire," I explained, just saying whatever came to mind instead of thinking about it ahead of time. "There are times when I can be a little…unstable. Sometimes I say things I don't mean to say, but I don't know how to stop myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm balancing precariously on a razor's edge of sanity. One moment I'll feel invincible, as if I can handle anything that comes my way, and the next moment I'll feel as though I've fallen into an endless pit of hysteria and irrationality."
I had never told anyone these things. I rarely admitted them to myself, even, but the floodgates had opened and I just let it all pour out of me. I noticed I was shaking a little. Skyfire came up beside me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder in a comforting manner.
"Now I think I understand what's been going on between us," Skyfire said soothingly. "And I will admit that I never expected to want to be with someone like you. I thought I knew exactly how things were supposed to be, but I was wrong. Perhaps all those things you struggle with can be difficult, but for some reason it does not bother me."
"It…doesn't?" I asked hesitantly, amazed.
He smiled at me and shook his head.
"No," he said reassuringly. "I think that together we can deal with whatever comes our way. You have many strengths and abilities that I admire, Starscream. As much as you might find strength and security in me, I find passion and a driving focus in you that is…exhilarating."
Skyfire's words were so soothing, so accepting that I found myself beginning to relax in his embrace. I felt myself reaching out to him with my mind and my spark, wanting to be close to him, wanting to be completely enveloped in all that he was. But then I stopped as a new realization struck me. I pushed away from him a little and looked up at him.
"I think I need you too much, Skyfire," I warned him. "I think I'm going to be a drain on you."
"Has it never occurred to you that I might need you , too?" Skyfire answered wryly. "Because I do. The thought of being separated from you is almost unbearable to me. I love you, Starscream; I know that now. You are the missing piece of my soul. You've brought me laughter and purpose and a zeal for life that I never thought I could experience. I want you to be with me always."
I was stunned. I couldn't believe he felt all those things for me after all that I had just told him about myself. Maybe he was even more insane than I was. But at that moment I didn't care. At that moment, I wanted to say all the same things back to him. I wanted to tell him all that and more. So, I responded with my usual eloquence.
"Me, too."
xxxxxxxxxx
I woke up from recharge alone, as usual. Skyfire was always up first, already preparing for the day ahead while I slowly crawled, kicking and screaming, out of the recharge birth. I sat there for a moment and smiled contentedly. I didn't mind that I was alone. I could always feel Skyfire's presence through the bond. I reached within myself and touched that part of my spark where Skyfire resided. A feeling of warmth and safety and love spread throughout my body.
Never in my wildest dreams had I ever thought that I could deserve something or someone so wonderful as Skyfire was. And he had remained true to his word. Despite all my shortcomings, he still loved me and still wanted to be with me. Of course, it had only been roughly nine standard months since we'd first admitted our feelings to each other, but still, that boded well for the future.
And we had such a long future ahead of us. I hoped Skyfire would be just as dedicated to our promise to each other in nine million years as he was now. Somehow, though, I knew that he would be; I just wasn't so sure about myself. I was still plagued by self-doubts and fear of the future. What if I pushed him too far one day? What if I really did go crazy one day and do something that would hurt him? Would he leave me for something better? Would he stop loving me? I felt myself shudder at the thought.
There you go again, getting yourself all panicky for nothing.
I took a deep breath and tried to bring myself back to reality. Just then, Skyfire peeked around the corner, a concerned expression on his face
"Are you all right, Starscream?"
I put on my "Everything's fine" mask and smiled. "Of course. I'm just trying to wake up, that's all."
I was quickly learning, though, that I couldn't fool Skyfire with the tricks I'd used my whole life with everyone else. Now that we were bonded, he picked up on my true emotions even when I did my best to hide them, to bury them away somewhere. He was even more sensitive than I was in that regard. A year ago, I might have been alarmed at such an intrusion, but now I found complete comfort, complete contentment in it.
Skyfire walked over and sat down next to me, and I proceeded to crawl into his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"Panicking again, Starscream?" he asked softly after a few moments of contented silence between us.
"Yes," I admitted. "I'm sorry."
I felt bad about doubting him, for doubting us . But he wouldn't let me wallow in my guilt for very long. He held me tight and reached out to me though our bond, caressing my soul with reassurances of his devotion to me, the real me. He loved even the ugly, nasty parts of me that I didn't like at all. Then I reached out to him and gave him all the same assurances in return.
"Thank you, Starscream," Skyfire sighed. "Thank you for trusting me."
"I'm trying. Sometimes it's difficult." I let go of him and stood up.
Skyfire reached out, caught my hand, and reassuringly said, simply, "I know." And then, changing the subject, he excitedly announced. "Well, I have some good news."
"Good news, eh?" I playfully responded, affectionately squeezing his hand. "Should I start to panic again?"
Skyfire gave me a mock-irritated look, but then chuckled and shook his head. "No, this is genuinely good news. At least…it sounds good to me. A new mission description has just been posted, and I think you and I should take it."
I followed him into the central room of our shared quarters and leaned on his wide shoulders as he sat down and typed away at the keys on the computer in front of him, working to bring up the mission announcement and description on the screen. While he typed, I had time to reflect.
When the truth came out that our feelings for one another were mutual, both Skyfire and I had known that I couldn't leave for the Octorian mission. At the time, Skyfire had said he had a good friend stationed at his previous science base that might be willing to take my place, and that had sounded good to me. The last thing I had wanted to do was to leave Skyfire, not once the whole reason for my leaving in the first place had been removed. Fortunately, his friend was excited about the proposal, and I'd gotten permission from the senior staff in charge of the mission to be removed from the crew list. They even agreed to stop and pick him up directly from his base on the way out.
But since then, Skyfire had seemed…antsy. He had frequently expressed a desire for us to go on an exploratory mission ourselves. I had to admit that sometimes I felt a little restless myself, but for the most part, I was happy to stay right where I was, surrounded by my work and my various projects. That, however, didn't stop Skyfire from keeping an eye out for any new mission announcements.
"See, here it is." Skyfire said, pointing to the screen once the announcement came up. "It calls for a minimum of two associates, with at least one having the ability to transport enough energon for the trip there and back. That describes us pretty well, don't you think?" He tilted his head back and smiled excitedly at me.
I gave him a doubtful look and peered over his shoulder at the comp screen. "Hmm, what exactly do they want these two intrepid explorers to do? What are the mission parameters and risks involved?"
"Oh, there is very little risk, if any at all." Skyfire replied excitedly. "It involves several planets in a single star system, one of which may have great potential as an energy source. Preliminary surveys have already been conducted on five of the nine known planets in the system. Now a more detailed report is required, especially about the energy-rich third planet." After a moment of thoughtful silence, he spoke again, the enthusiasm in his voice bubbling over. "Just think, Starscream. We would be the first to set foot on these worlds, the first to study their unique ecosystems, and maybe even to discover intelligent life on them. Wouldn't that be fascinating?"
I had to admit that the prospect of such a rousing adventure was indeed captivating. I had never been to a pre-colonized world before, and the thought of making new and important scientific discoveries was thrilling. But, unlike Skyfire, I wasn't altogether sold on the idea, either. There were always risks on any mission, no matter how many safeguards one took especially when dealing with the unknown.
Skyfire swiveled his chair around and smiled up at me. "I think we should do it," he repeated. "What do you think?"
The excitement in his expression was obvious. Normally there would be nothing wrong with him being so eager, but in the time that I had known Skyfire and especially recently since we'd bonded I had noticed that when he felt very excited about something he became…impulsive. Almost reckless. He often let his excitement override his caution. It had already happened several times involving different projects, where he'd gotten an idea in his head and instead of informing me or asking for a second opinion, he'd just charged forward, always with disastrous results. It had only been six weeks since the last incident when he'd been so positive that he'd discovered a new energon enhancement formula that he neglected to test it first before mixing the volatile chemicals. The resulting explosion had done significant damage, both to the lab and to Skyfire. It was also the first time I had become truly angry with him.
So I made sure I looked very serious before making my reply. "What if I said no?" I asked.
Skyfire's face fell a little bit, but he hadn't lost the gleam in his eye.
"I'd be lying if I said I was not disappointed," he replied, "but at the same time I'd understand."
Totally and completely honest as usual. Primus, how I love that about you, Skyfire, I thought wonderingly.
I pulled up a second chair and sighed as I plopped myself into it. Leaning my elbows on the desk in front of me, I cupped my chin in both hands and stared at the computer screen for several minutes before reaching my decision.
"When do we leave?" I asked, breaking the silence.
Without missing a beat, Skyfire began poking at the various buttons on the lit-up panel in front of him. "Looks like scheduled departure is exactly eight weeks, three days from now. That should give us plenty of time to prepare the necessary equipment and gather the information from the initial surveys…"
I shook my head and chuckled at him as his voice trailed off.
"Something funny?" he asked, turning a bemused but affectionate gaze on me.
"You!" I responded, laughing. "Your enthusiasm is just…so damned contagious, I feel like leaving right now."
Skyfire laughed out loud, the sound of it sending shivers of delight through my spark. Then he tilted his head and looked at me softly. He took my hand and drew me near so that I could sit on his bent arm. His great strength supported my weight effortlessly as held me close. "I love you so much, Starscream. You've changed my life and made me complete. I never want to be apart from you."
His love for me was so overwhelming. I still hadn't gotten used to it, but I absorbed it from him continually. It seemed that the more I absorbed, the more he gave. The more I needed, the more he provided. I only hoped that someday I would be able to return even a small portion of what he gave to me. Instead of speaking, though, I once more reached inward and gave to him what I could never adequately convey in words. His response was a soft satisfied moan. Then suddenly the practical side of me took over as I realized we had a lot of work ahead of us if we were going to be ready for this mission on time. I lifted my head from his chest and touched his face gently. "Much as I wouldn't mind seeing this progress to more…stimulating possibilities, we really should use the time to prepare for our upcoming thrill-a-minute adventure."
"You are right, of course," he said, the excitement returning to his face brightening his eyes to a more brilliant blue. "Let's get started."
I left Skyfire to upload all the information relevant to the mission, while I went to speak with the senior administrator about applying for the assignment. And I noticed a spring in my step as I walked down the halls toward the administrator's office. Bonding with Skyfire made me realize that for the first time in my life, I was truly satisfied with myself and my direction in life. I felt absolutely secure and totally confident of who I was and where my life was going. Sure, I still had my fears and self-doubts to deal with, but Skyfire and I had an entire lifetime to address and to overcome what really amounted, in the grand scheme of things, to a few insignificant problems.
As I stood outside the door to the senior administrator's office, waiting for him to grant me permission to enter, I took a moment to acknowledge the optimistic feelings I had about both this new mission and mine and Skyfire's future together. I was sure that we'd be accepted for the assignment, and then we'd be off, doing what we both loved—flying through space exploring new places—and doing it together.
Skyfire and I, always and forever together...
At that moment, from where I stood, the future looked brighter than ever.