DISCLAIMER: Don't own it. Don't like it? Don't read it.

I have nothing really to say here except: What was i thinking? You'll see what I mean.

Song of the Chapter: Maybe Katie by the Barenaked Ladies

peace out

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

Kel returned to the Rider's barracks that afternoon after bathing in her parents' room and having tea with Yuki, Shinko and the Yamani ladies. She still had not quite collected her thoughts on what had happened to her that day. She knew that King Jonathan was right in telling her to keep his words to herself, but she couldn't help but think about what might have happened if she had trained for her actual knighthood. King Jonathan then would be knighting her properly in front of all of the nobles, instead of in secret.

"I'm still a knight in the eyes of the king, and it doesn't matter who knows it and who doesn't." she reasoned to herself, walking through the snow from the palace to the barracks.

Most of her resentment for the King had diminished after their meeting, which frustrated Kel. She understood everything that he had said, and she sympathized with him. After having sat through negotiations in the Yamani Islands with her father, she knew enough about trying to please everyone, and satisfying as many as possible. What frustrated her was that now that she knew and understood the King's reasoning, she no longer had someone to blame for her failure. She only really realized then how easy it was for her to pass the blame to one person, and act as though it was all their fault. She knew now that perhaps King Jonathan was not as bad a man as she had thought.

"Kel, we've missed our commander lately." Colleen and Quinn were in the mess hall, eating their dinner together. Colleen continued, "Brekke and Flanna are coming down now. Trysten and Conner went out riding and should be back soon." She spoke quickly. Kel smiled.

"Well have a good Midwinter you two." she said. "I'm going to be spending it with my family at the Palace. My friend Neal is going through his Ordeal tonight." she laughed nervously, "but he'll be fine. I just need to speak to Brekke and Flanna, so I'll catch them upstairs." She left quickly, leaving the two others to themselves. If they were just eating, Kel thought, then she was a Stormwing.

Flanna and Brekke were sitting together in Flanna's room. Flanna shared with an older Rider woman, Miri, who was a new trainer for the older Rider groups. She was getting too old to be a proper Rider, so she worked on the affairs out of Corus. Flanna did not mind too much, she was a nice woman, and was also rumoured to be betrothed to Evin Larse, the commander of the Seventh Rider Group; she often spent her time with him, which gave Flanna a room to herself.

"Kel, you're back!" Brekke called out, seeing Kel in the doorway. "Come sit with us!"

"I'm sorry, but I need to go. I'm spending the week with my family. My friend Neal is going through his Ordeal tonight, and I think that I should be there to see him knighted." The others nodded, understanding.

"That's great, Kel. You need to spend time with your family. We know you haven't seen them in a long time." Flanna smiled at her. "Was there something you wanted from us?"

"We're getting out new assignment tomorrow. I'll get it from Buri and Raoul." The other two nodded. "This time in a week we'll be out on our new mission." She smiled, but Flanna and Brekke groaned. "What is it?"

"Well, it only seems like we're leaving right after we get back from our last mission. This is our leave and we're leaving right away." Flanna sighed.

Kel nodded in agreement. "You know that we have to go out. If we don't, then the Scanrans will take us over in the north. You should get some sleep. I don't want my Riders falling asleep on the road." The other two laughed and nodded. "I should be going." Kel nodded to them and left the room.

Going to her own room, she groaned at the sight of a stack of parchment on her desk. The one part of being a commander that she hated was the massive amount of paperwork. It seemed that their group couldn't make any move without her having to write a fully detailed report for the King. She sighed and promised herself to finish it before leaving Corus again.

She took off her breeches and tunic and changed into a light brown dress that her mother had picked out for her. It was plain, not the fancy type of any of the noble ladies, but had a neat tight waist and a full skirt. It was a perfect touch of girlishness for Kel. She fastened her new wine coloured cloak around her shoulders and pulled the wide hood over her head. She then quickly left the Riders' barracks for the palace. It had just begun to snow again, adding to the thick layer of snow already on the ground. As an afterthought, making her way through the grounds, Kel connected with the others.

Remeber everyone, we get our new assignment tomorrow morning. Be at the throne room by the tenth bell.

A chorus of Yes Kel and I'll be there met her and she smiled. The Rider group did not care that she was their commander. Rather than resenting her for her position, they fully supported her and were relieved often to have someone to count on in case of emergency. Often, as Kel found out, it was reassuring to know that someone was looking out for you. Sometimes, when faced with a band of raiders or bandits to fight, she wished to have someone to rely on to make decisions and take command for a moment.

Keladry, you must return before you leave. The unearthly voice of the Chamber filled her mind. Soon you must return. I have more to tell you. You must face your task ahead and follow the path of the gods. It is time for you. As quickly as the voice came, it also left her.

Puzzled, Kel continued to the palace. Why was the Chamber taking a sudden interest in her? Then she remembered something. Lady Alanna had once told her of her years as a squire. She had been often visited by a mysterious woman, unearthly. The Great Mother Goddess had chosen her to protect. Baron George was rumoured to be under the guidance of a less prominent trickster, and it was well known that Daine the Wildmage was a child of deities. Was it possible that the Chamber, a god itself had chosen her? She froze in her tracks at the thought.

A laughing voice filled her mind. Very good, Keladry, I knew you were smart. Though unlike my cousin and her heroine, the Lioness, I am not here to help you in your task. I will only guide you and set you back on your path. Kel shivered. The voice was cold and burning hot all at the same time. It seemed to contain all space, all time, and all matter in its range. She couldn't explain exactly what the voice sounded like: male, female, young, old. It was all of these and none of these at the same time. Your task you must complete on your own. Come to me and i shall explain why the gods must intervene in this matter.

Kel stood still for a moment, until she was sure that the Chamber was gone, the continued to the palace. She made her way to her parents' rooms, but was stopped halfway when she was knocked over by a running squire exiting in a hurry from on of the adjacent rooms. It took her a moment to register the green eyes staring transfixed at her.

"Kel, I'm sorry, but my Ordeal's soon, and I don't know where to go or what to do. I don't think I'm going to pass. I know I'm not going to pass. What I know is that I'm going mad. I can't focus, I can't sleep, I know that I'm not going to survive this. Squires have died before. Died doing this, and I don't think I can take it if I join them. Kel, I don't want to die now, there are so many things I need to do, I can't handle this."

She grasped his flailing hands in her own and squeezed them. With a slight shock, she noticed that the fluttering feeling in her stomach vanished when she held his hand. All she felt for Neal seemed to be concern and sympathy. Their time apart seemed to have quelled her feelings for her. The fluttering that she had felt at their first reunion had only been excitation at meeting him once again after so long.

"Neal, I promise that you will survive." she squeezed his hands reassuringly. "You will be a great knight and you will be remembered. You were a great page and squire, and there is no reason why you will not pass your Ordeal." he smiled then lowered his eyes and leaned forward. He kissed the top of her head.

"Kel, I don't know what I would ever do without you. You're the best friend I could ever ask for." Instead of feeling elated as she knew she would have only a few weeks ago, Kel only felt a sense of satisfaction at his touch. She closed her eyes and smiled. A moment later she felt a strange sensation on her lips. It took her a moment to realize that Neal was kissing her full on the mouth.

In a flash, her eyes flew open and she stepped backwards, only to realize that in her stupor, Neal had placed his arms around her waist and held her firmly. She couldn't get out of his grip.

"Neal!" she exclaimed, "What are you doing?" With her Yamani speed, she pulled his arms off of her hips and pushed him away, taking a step backwards.

"Kel," his emerald green eyes shone with fear and longing. "I love you Kel. I wanted you to know that in case i die in the Chamber." Kel's eyes had grown wide. She had had no experience in these matters before and did not know how to react. The Daughters of the Convent had always told the ladies that a man is never to kiss a lady on the mouth unless said lady is his wife. She panicked, for a moment thinking that the Daughters would be coming to find her any moment to chastise her for this indiscretion.

"Neal, you don't know what you're talking about. This is your fear speaking through you only. Now you should calm down and go down to the Chapel to meet Lady Alanna and pass your Ordeal." She took a step back, but he only followed her with two steps forward. She found herself backed up against the wall. "Neal, please..."

He took one more step forward and pressed his lips against hers again. Kel pulled away again. Kissing Neal was like kissing her own brother: it felt morally wrong to do and she couldn't explain why.

"Kel, please, I need someone with me right now. I love you. You're my best friend and the only one who understands me." he murmured, opening his eyes to gaze into her own. Something inside Kel softened. She hesitated for a moment.

He hesitation was all it took for Neal to kiss her eagerly once again. Kel, though she still felt no romantic interest in the green eyes healer, relaxed in his grip. She knew that she could do much worse than a man who respected her and understood her. There were far less desirable matches that she could have found herself in.

Neal pushed her through the door to his own room without her taking any notice. She vaguely felt herself sit down on his bed, and a voice in the back of her mind was reminding her that she was in a very indecent position. She pushed the voice away into her mind, but it returned more and more insistently as Neal pressed her closer to him and slid his hands to her waist. She tensed for a moment, then relaxed. He then began unlacing her bodice slowly.

It took Kel several seconds to realize what he was doing. Her eyes snapped open and she jerked away from him, panicked. Her bodice was completely unlaced and she was garbed only in a breastband from her waist up. Furious with herself for getting so carried away, Kel stood up and backed up to the closed door, averting her eyes from Neal's face, She fumbled for the lacing of her bodice and with trembling hands, clumsily retied her dress.

"Kel-" Neal started but Kel cut him off.

"No Neal, this is enough. You do not know what you feel right now. You do not love me, all you want is someone to be with before your Ordeal. You only want me because I was the first woman you saw and you are afraid of not returning from the Chapel." He Yamani mask was in place and her voice was calm and even. "You need to go now and pass your Ordeal. Then you will realize your real feelings for me, and they are not this. I will see you tomorrow morning after your Ordeal, Nealan." Without waiting for a response, Kel left the room and closed the door behind her. She continued along the hallway to her sisters' rooms and knocked.

Oranie opened the door and ushered her inside. Kel smiled at her sister, not letting any of her confusion show up on her face. She ate her evening meal with her sisters. They spoke of trivial matters, love and fashion. Orie spoke excitedly of her wedding, and Adie gave her own advice and told stories of her first weeks as a new bride. Kel enjoyed her time with her sisters. She had realized before that although she was not a fluttering court lady and was not interested in trivial matters on a daily basis, it was fun for her to occasionally spend her time chatting idly with other girls about matters that did not involve politics or wars or death.

The next morning, Kel woke early and dressed in one of Orie's midnight blue gowns and cloak. Without waking her sisters, she crept from the rooms and hurried to the lower level of the palace. Quietly she entered the Chapel of the Ordeal.

The door of the Chamber was closed and Neal was already inside. Many people including Duke Baird, Domitan, Lady Alanna and Lord Raoul of Goldenlake were already seated on the benches, silently awaiting Neal's result. As the heir of a grand house, Neal had a greater audience than most other squires had had. Kel wished with a pang of longing as she seated herself next to Lady Alanna that she had been the one in the Chamber and that these people had been there for her. With a sigh, she realized that her dream was lost for good.

She turned her head to face the door and slipped into memories as she waited for Neal to return to them.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

TO ALL MY REVIEWERS:

There is your romance clip. Are you happy? What the hell was I thinking? I think I may have to rewrite this chapter without the Kel/Neal bit. So please review properly, I really need to know if this is good or not. I'm not really that good at writing romance, so I'd appreciate feedback. Let me rephrase that: I'm not good at writing romantic encounters. When I want to write about feelings, emotions from a distance, that's fine (see my short one shots) but when it comes to an actual encounter, I don't know how much description to put in, what's too graphic, what's not enough, whether it seems real. The one thing that bothers me in romance stories is when the author has written a very graphic sex scene, but it is very obvious that the author has never had sex before. If you've never experienced something before, then be abstract about it or better yet: don't write about it at all, but don't try to bluff your way through something like a sex scene, where you're very graphic but not very accurate.

I've got to go

peace out