Chapter Twenty-Three
Severus leaned heavily against a wall as coughs racked his weakened body. He knew he should be resting in his bed, yet he couldn't force himself into idleness, he had to have something to do or else he would have gone mad. Doing nothing was certainly not what he was used to. With Lupin assisting him (or rather him commanding the werewolf around), he had brewed Arenwald's potion and although it had cost him a lot of energy, it has also given him a sense of usefulness. If only he hadn't been feeling so weak and exhausted! He rested his forehead against the cool wall as a heavy hand descended onto his shoulder. Severus stiffened at the unexpected touch while his father hugged him tightly from behind. 'Like a damned python,' he thought.
"Why aren't you in bed?" he whispered into his ear.
"I'm waiting for the headmaster to call me downstairs."
"You need to rest more, Severus," said Tarquinius, turning him around so he could see his son's face, "You look ill."
"What a keen observation!" sneered Severus, "Could it be because I am actually ill? I'm deeply touched by your concern, father," he said, the tone of his voice leaving no doubt that he was anything but touched by Tarquinius's words.
"Don't mock me," sighed the elder Snape and caressed his son's gaunt cheek tenderly, "What do those morons want from you? I don't trust anyone of them, least of all the headmoron."
Before Snape could answer, the door to the kitchen opened and Alastor Moody stepped into the hall. He lifted his head to look up the stairs and cried, "Hey Snape! Come down!"
"I'll help you downstairs," whispered the elder Snape, offering his elbow, but he was refused by a cold glare and a shook of a stubborn head. In a wave of hurt that swept over him he watched himself angrily grab Severus's arm and pull him to himself, "Do let me help you!"
"Get your hands off me!" hissed Snape while freeing his arm He rushed down the stairs, the black robes billowing behind him, and disappeared behind the kitchen door, leaving Tarquinius alone with his mixed thoughts.
The kitchen was filled with member of the Order; it appeared as if everyone had come to have an inquiring look at Snape and to decide his fate. Many of them kept avoiding his eyes; some were trying to hide their hatred and dislike, the Weasleys… The Weasleys? Snape sank into a chair in shock, watching Molly's and Arthur's faces, his heart pounding in his chest. Molly and Arthur… and there was Bill sitting close to them, all three looking very much alive! There was contempt in Bill's steady searching gaze that he had turned on the former spy the moment he had walked through the kitchen door.
Snape shuddered and bent his head, passed his hand across his forehead as his eyes half closed and breath quickened. The Dark Lord has the Weasleys killed and yet… He winced at the memory of what had happened, of how much he had suffered of guilt when he had learnt of their supposed deaths. His heart skipped wildly in his chest and he struggled to breathe. 'You gave me some very useful names, dear boy… The Weasleys, my dear, don't you remember them? They are dead; they died in an attack from my Death Eaters. They really had no chance.' Someone put a hand on his shoulder and Severus flinched. "Severus, are you all right?" asked Dumbledore, worry evident in his bright eyes as he studied the Potions Master's distressed face. "We can meet later when you feel better if you want to."
Snape shook his head. "I shall be fine," he whispered. At his answer Moody laughed sarcastically. "Fine, you say? You look as if you've just seen a ghost, Snape! But you're right, let's get over with this. I'm of the opinion that we should lock him somewhere safe away from both Voldemort and Aurors."
In amazement Snape's eyebrows shot upwards. Moody didn't want him back in Azkaban? That was certainly something new. Though he didn't sound… pleased or kind, in his own way it was as if he wanted to protect him from both sides. It wasn't a nice thought that there was no side he was safe from and no side where he could actually belong…
"Severus," spoke Dumbledore softly as he stood up and walked over to where Snape sat, "Severus, I… you have to understand… these are difficult times… and difficult times require…"
"For Merlin's sake, Albus!" Moody cut him off roughly, "You're stuttering like some embarrassed schoolboy! Look, Snape. The point is that you're no longer a member of the Order."
"I've gathered that much from your expressions" said Snape silkily, surveying the guiltily looking headmaster who forced himself to return his gaze calmly.
"It's not just a matter of trust, Snape," went on Moody after he had Severus's attention on himself again, "You're still linked to Voldemort and that may prove to be dangerous to our Order, considering your questionable loyalties and Voldemort's power. I understand that this link is strengthened by a life debt you owe him. Although you're no longer a member of the Order and you're such a sneaky little snake, we'll protect you from both the Aurors and Voldemort. And from yourself too, I assume."
Snape said nothing, instead he turned to Dumbledore with a question, "You doesn't trust me, do you? I saw a memory of you… you broke my wand…"
"You betrayed us to him!" Bill Weasley accused him harshly, "What did you expect? A thank you card for burning down our house? You killed an innocent man! You used an Unforgivable o Remus Lupin without any remorse or guilt!"
Snape's dark eyes settled on the werewolf who hung his head. He had enjoyed hurting his childhood enemy; there was no denying that.
"I'm sorry, Severus," whispered Dumbledore, cradling his pale hands in his, "Can you ever forgive me that I wavered in my trust? Tell me you haven't done those crimes by your own will."
"Do you see what you're doing?" laughed Bill Weasley, though there was no joy in his laughter, "You're a criminal and yet the headmaster is willing to protect you, despite all he believes in, despite all he holds noble, he'll protect you, a criminal, a murderer!"
The dark eyes took in the many faces again before they settled again on Dumbledore, ignoring what Bill had said. "I have nothing to forgive you, headmaster. You had your reasons for doubting me. I thought you all had thought me a traitor, the Dark Lord led me believe that," he smiled sadly, "I killed the healer to save my father's life. The Dark Lord had found out the place of Weasleys' home from my mind after I had been poisoned and ill. It was then when he saved my life; he used light magic to do it, healing magic. However, what happened afterwards happened of my free will…"
An uncomfortable silence settled on the kitchen, only Lupin looked up and objected, "No, Severus, I could feel some dark force surrounding you, binding you back then, in that dungeon…"
But Snape waved him away with a tired gesture. He was tired of having to think back, of having to talk about it to these people who suddenly didn't even matter to him. What did he have in common with them? Had they ever trusted him? No, it was not the question of trust; he simply didn't belong to them as he didn't belong to Death Easters either. These people were not capable of things he was capable of, dark things, things that can hardly be ever forgiven. They had no dark side to their personalities and what their assumed was their "dark side" was laughable for him.
Yet he went on explaining, "The binding spell can't force me to do anything, it acts on my emotions. What you felt was nothing more than the pull of dark magic. Dark Arts are tempting, seductive. You know it, though you don't know how it really feels like using it. I'm far too dependent on it, I know."
Slowly he raised from his chair and walked over to a fireplace, crossing his arms across his chest and turning his back on the members of the Order. "I don't want your protection. Don't say anything, headmaster, it's not because I'm angry with you. I have no reason to be angry, I know now that you cared for my well being even if you had your doubts. I'm grateful that you have saved me from Azkaban, but I can't live my life hiding somewhere. I'm capable of taking care of myself, your help is not needed."
"Let us help you, Severus," spoke Lupin, watching Snape's narrow back with concern. "The Aurors will found you or Voldemort will."
"What concern is it of yours?" snarled Snape, kicking a piece of wood into the fireplace.
"Don't refuse my help…"
"Or what?" laughed Snape as he whirled around, the black robes pooling around his feet. "You can't help everyone in the world, werewolf. Least of all you cannot help those who do not want it. I'm of no use here. Or is this help a new word for the one with the meaning of watching over me so that I shall not run back to the Dark Lord?"
The silence settled onto the kitchen again and with horror Snape realised that they indeed wanted not only to protect him, they wanted what Moody had said, to protect him from himself, from his dark side… In other words, they wanted to keep their eyes on him lest he does something stupid that may endanger the Order.
"To hell with you all!" he shouted, suddenly feeling very insecure without his wand among the Order members.
"No, Severus!" cried out Dumbledore and rushed to him, "That's not true, we're worried about your safety. You've done so much for us and the fact that you're under Voldemort's spell now and under Dark Arts pull won't change how grateful we are! That's why we want to protect you, no matter how confused you are right now."
"Confused, am I? What about, I wonder? What do you know of how confused I am? Do you think that I'm not sure which side should I be on? I've decided this long long ago. Confusion… you don't know what confusion is. My cousin tried to kill me. My cousin who is like an older brother to me!"
"Severus…"
"No, Dumbledore," Snape's hand rose to stop the headmaster, "There's only one thing I want to know. Will you let me go or are you going to keep me here by force?"
Moody smiled sadly, "We can't let you go, Snape. You know too much about the Order and if Voldemort gets you, then…"
"I know nothing about your recent activities, Moody. And the headquarters are safe as long as the headmaster is the secret keeper."
"I don't trust him," said Bill Weasley, but the others remained quiet.
"Where would you go, Severus?" asked Dumbledore gently.
"I've got my own hiding places," answered Snape, his lips curling. "Or have the Aurors found the place where I keep the illegal ingredients for my potions?"
From the expression in their faces Severus could tell that they knew nothing about his secret hiding place… or to be precise, places, and that neither Aurors did. "I see. I'm going to check on my father and that vampire. If you come to a decision, do let me know. And don't keep me waiting too long, I have no desire to spend more time in this house than I have to."
He left them to their owns and walked out of the kitchen with his head held up proudly, no emotion showing in his face. Only when he reached the stairs he allowed his mask to slip and reveal his worries. Tarquinius was standing at the staircase, hidden in a shadow, and he could see his son shaken and worried. In that moment he looked very insecure and vulnerable and the elder Snape felt an urge to hug him and to comfort him, but knew very well that if Severus knew he was watching him, he would certainly be furious with him.
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Author's notes: An update? NOW? When everyone's reading the sixth book? LOL I wonder how many people will read this chapter now when they have the Half-Blood Prince to read, but I couldn't come with this update earlier. And I so wanted to finish the story until the new book comes! But there's always something to complicate my life… The review responses are, as usually, in my LJ, so follow the homepage link in my bio page. Thank you all very much for reviewing! It's such a strange situation, I'm a mod at one forum, I went there today because of one thing and the discussions of HBP are already there... so I'm resisting the urge to peek into the HBP forum section… tough times… I'm so excited, hopefully my copy will arrive at Monday or Tuesday.