I don't own the Bible or God or Satan or Earth or a decent pair of shoes. I don't mean to offend anyone, though I don't think that will stop anyone from being offended. Please review so I can learn how to write better. Flame if you must, but tell me why you hated the story in a calm manner instead of writing in all caps, constuctive Criticism is good, yelling at me over the internet just to tell me this is a dumb ideais kind of odd actually.I know that I am a bad and carelessspeller so excuse some spelling mistakes, please. Thank you and have a nice day (or night depending on when you are reading this)
I am, I always was, and I always shall be. Just like Cher! No, she won't exist for a very long time. Thank, well, I guess me, but I guess I can't really take all of the credit. Can I? I think that would be rude. I am going damn crazy! I need a hobby. Gotta stop talking to myself.
God awoke from his slumber. He was cold as he had not created acentral heating system yet. I need to fix that. He thought as he searched around for his glasses for his eyesight was going bad, being around forever can do that to a guy's sight. He found them and put them on.
Blast these lenses, one day I shall create lazer eye surgery and get that surgery and…I need to stop talking to me.
God sat in the nothingness (if that is a real word, I think I spelled it wrong) he stared at it, and loathed it, but what are ya' gunna do?Want to know what he did? I'll tell what he did, he just said, I'm just going to make a lot of noise so the monsters that I haven't created yet can't get me, 'cause I'm afraid of monsters.
And so he did. And it was the worst noise anyone has never heard because no one was around to hear it. And that is a very good thing as we all would have gone deaf and resorted to a tough life of miscommunications resulting in the end of the world as we know it if we had heard it.
(Sorry for getting off topic a little) From this wicked, wicked, super-ultra big deafening noise came, like, stars and what not. God likes stars so he went chasing stars. The stars did not move so God just said, Whatever. And threw one star at another hence creating, as he called it, 'Whatever' (Later to be known as Earth)
Upon this tough mass of I think, like, rocks or something, I don't know, God didn't tell me what the Earth is actually made of . I went in to interview God, he didn't give me enough details to write this properly. (stupid bastard)
Anyways, God was all, We need some gravity, I just decided I like gravi- There I go again talkin' to myself. Yup, that's me, crazy self-talker. Goddamn.
And so there was gravity to keep things firmly planted to Whatever. There was also a new phrase to say when you are frustrated/upset/angry/you have just stubbed your toe on something, that is, and shall always be, "Goddamn!"
Still, God wanted more than gravity, he wanted someone to talk to other than himself. And so his two first creations were afoot, no, two feet, from these feetcame legs, then a torso (I do believe I spelled that wrong) then arms then a head, then inner organs grew, then the brain developed, then God gave it a name. Twas Ggrerefkdsahfdhagdj or Adam, as some like to call him.
Ggrerefkdsahfdhagdj, guess what?
The scared man could not see God because God forgot to give Adam the privilege to see without eye-glasses. "Who is it? Ahhhh! Where is the nearest place where I can buy glasses?"
No! You idiot you messed up the joke! I say guess what? You say what? And I say, you're stuck with it. Then I laugh, even though this is an incredibly stupid and senseless joke and then we go on with our lives!
"I can't see, moron!" Adam yelled. God did not care, he was creating something else. Twas, liquor.
And so God proclaimed, You and I shall be drinking buddies, and we shall drink all of the time!
And so it was. They drank all week (God also created some stuff, but I said I wouldn't get him busted) for six days and on the seventh day God said, Adam, I am tired of your behavior when you are drunk, then you complain of a hangover all day until you are well enough to drink again at night! So I shall create for you a woman, named Eve, who shall restrain you and get very angry at you if you do this too much. She will be a total bitch and I decided that I don't feel like talking to you anymore because I have found a better hobby than listening to you!
God's word was true. Eve came along and got God and Adam to build a house and a Garden and a wonderful little fountain with the cutest spitting frog statue. Through this work God realized that this straight up sucked and planted a tree that when you take a fruit it sprays water at you for the reason of vengeance.
Alas. They had finished building what is possibly the nicest house ever to look at. Eve whipped Adam into shape for the most part, but he still had his days. One of his "days" Adam came stumbling into the Garden (now known as Eden) and Eve was tending the Garden in the early morning. "Adam!" she yelled, "You have been out all night. No call, not one notices as to where you were!"
"Sorry." Adam mumbled, leaning against the fence post and throwing-up.
Eve suddenly notice the joke tree God had planted. "I didn't notice this little tree before!" She said.
Adam came over to her, "God said not to pick those." he mumbled.
"Why not?"
"Dunno." Adam said picking a fruit and water sprayed everywhere. God had been hiding in the bushes to make sure Adam was alright. (God can't get inebriated) When God saw this he laughed so hard that his alter ego Tdhjfwew, commonly known as Satan, split apart from him and walked into the Garden. He walked right in, didn't ask if he could go in, didn't say "Hello." before he entered. Nothing. He just waltzed right in; well not really, Satan doesn't know how to waltz.
"You are an idiot Adam." Satan said.
"God, you, this don't hurt. Just water. Fruit. God ya' sound angry." Adam sound (remember, he can't tell the two apart because he doesn't have glasses and he's been drinking all night)
"Get out of here." Eve said sharply.
"I'm not scared!" Satan screamed in a tone that sounded very very afraid.
"You are strange though, so get out of here!" yell Eve throwing a gardening tool at him.
God ran into the Garden. This was not near as rude as Satan just coming in though because God was a close friend and Satan was a weirdo. Satan! No that you're out of me and I have created a heating system for the World hence forth known as Hell I want you to maintain it! God said very quickly.
"I don't want to." Satan answered showing no emotion whatsoever.
We have a very good Dental plan. Said God somewhat desperately, it is not fun to watch your alter ego stare at you.
"Alright."
And so, God opened the grounds of Eden and created an escalator for Satan to go down on. And Satan left to take care of God's central heating system.
Adam and Eve I am sorry that I made a mess of your real estate, but I wanted him gone because even though he looked normal, kind of, he was really, really creepy. So go live somewhere else and please don't kill Adam. And have some kids, I need some nice family pictures for my photo album.
So, it was. Adam and Eve had many children. More than most say. Probably six or seven girls and who knows how many boys. They were mostly allowed to roam Whatever freely until one day when Eve bought a parenting book and it said you should set limits for your kids and all of the younger ones were forced to stay in the yard.
And so the story keeps going, there are a few fine details that God hasn't told me in our interviews and somethat I haven't bothered to mention mostly because they are another story for the telling and I don't feel like telling them right now.