The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

Sat on my own in the Teacher's lounge drinking coffee

Don't ask why I am up drinking coffee all on my own at five in the morning. It's that bloody squid in the Great Lake. I don't know what it does down there, and frankly don't won't to know, but it makes a hell of a noise at night. A House Elf just came in, took one look at me then ran out again. I am not in the mood for jokes; a giant squid interrupted my beauty sleep and I am now sat in the dark. Why, I hear you shout, is the stupid idiot sat in the dark has he never heard of a light switch? Well yes, I have. But Dumbledore doesn't think it's appropriate that They should have candles when We have proper lights. I suggested to him that he just fits the whole school with lights, but that brat of a Granger walked past and said in a very loud voice to Potter and Weasley.

"Oh. Didn't I tell you, all electrical equipment doesn't work around Hogwarts? I read it in Hogwarts a History."

Hogwarts a what? I am supposing that she was talking about a book, even Dumbledore looked a bit surprised that someone had actually read that drivel, apart from himself of course.

Back to the issue of lighting. It is a bummer that we have to use candles though. The wax gets everywhere and because my hair is so long and sleek it sometimes catches fire while I lean forward over a desk to sneer at someone. That happened just at the end of last year during a first year class full of Hufflepuffs. I managed to hide the fact that my head was on fire by grabbing the bin and running to my bedroom with it over my head. I don't think anyone noticed….

Who am I kidding? Not noticed! How can anyone not notice the arsiest teacher in the whole school running past them with a bin shoved over their head as they sprint for the privacy of their quarters?

Thankfully that happened on the last day of the teaching term so my hair managed to get back to its normal length. McGonagall couldn't stop laughing (I know its hard to imagine her laughing, but stay with it), I managed to snap the handle of my favourite coffee cup while facing her, but I got my revenge when I was passing by her classroom and happened to spot that revolting tartan hat of hers lying on her desk. How it ended up flying out of the window and into the lake, nobody knows. I hope that bloody squid chokes on it.

All this talk about coffee has made me wonder about drinks at meal times. You're a bit stuffed if you don't like pumpkin juice, aren't you? I despise the stuff, I manage to sneak in a flask of coffee and swig it under the table. It's just turned six; McGonagall will come striding in like she owns the place in a few minutes and give me that tight-lipped smile that says:

"Poor dear, did that nasty squid wake you up again?"

And I'll feel like feeding her to it and seeing how much she likes that. I hope she's noticed how many wrinkles she has, she really needs to catch up on some beauty sleep; about ten years should do it. People think I'm stressed out; they should take a look at her.

I had better stock up on caffeine before McGonagall comes in, I can't stand her this time in a morning. That reminds me, I need some more coffee granules for my personal coffee maker in my study….

Study drinking coffee

Damn. I got rumbled. I was innocently trying to nick some coffee when in waltzed McGonagall with that smile of hers. I couldn't take my eyes of a massive wrinkle she has going from one ear right across her face to the other.

"Coffee does nothing for your health, Severus." (Smiley, smiley, smiley!)

"I don't know what you mean Minerva." (Early morning 'I can't stop staring at that wrinkle' glare.)

"Then why have you got three jars of Kenco stuffed down your robes?" (SMILE! WRINKLE!)

"Safe keeping."