Daylight
By Yanagi-sen
WK songfic
Usual disclaimers apply. Sequel to October and Fallen. Song 'Daylight' is by Better Than Ezra.
Warnings: one long introspective monologue, so don't expect linear thought and watch out for the tangents along the way; language, mild self angsting
Dedicated to a friend who passed away at the beginning of December. She wasn't into anime, but did write fanfiction, and was one of the most intimidating people I have ever met. She just had this presence and if you deserved it, she wasn't afraid to let you have it. She was wise and strong and will be deeply missed. This one is for you Ms. P.
You're a long walk in a rain storm
He could hear the rain when he woke. A steady pat-pat against the window that was usually soothing and generally would lull him back into sleep. But not this morning. No, this morning there was too much going on in his head to allow him the luxury of falling back asleep. And for once, the thoughts in his head were actually his own.
You're a cut that refuses to heal
Youji was still asleep, curled around him, one arm flung over the redhead's waist. The blonde's breath was warm on the back of his neck. He didn't think they had moved at all during the night. Well, during the few hours they had been asleep, they'd been up for a large part of the night. 6:24… the red numbers of his clock shone brightly, mocking him. He hadn't woken this early in… well, a long time. It must have been after two before they had gotten to sleep, so why the hell was he awake?
You're a dull ache that I can't shake
He half considered waking Youji up, at least enough to climb out of bed… but just didn't have the heart. Okay, to be honest he really just didn't have the energy to be up yet. Didn't have the energy and didn't have the desire. The air of the room felt chilly, not a surprise with the rain outside. The blankets and Youji created this nice warm cocoon that he was loathe to leave. He groaned softly at the twinge in his back and knee. The damp air did it to him every time. Of course, the unaccustomed sleeping position had nothing to do with it either.
You're a cold that's clogging up my head
He drummed his fingers under the blanket. Why was he awake? Being in close physical contact was drowning out everyone else's thoughts, and Youji was sleeping deeply enough that he wasn't dreaming. He was alone in his own head for the first time in months. He didn't like it at all.
He was so used to letting everyone else's thoughts drown out his own so he didn't have to think. He didn't like thinking. Brad used to say he didn't think enough. Damn bastard… it was all his fault anyway. He was a creature of instinct. He didn't mind thinking to plan or to complete essential tasks like driving; it was this echoing loneliness inside his head that he didn't want to deal with. Was this what it was like for mundanes all the time? If it was, he was damn glad he wasn't normal to begin with.
Or a broke watch keeping time still
6:33. This sucked, big time. Here he was, lying awake, trying not to think about things he didn't want think about. Meanwhile, Youji was slumbering away behind him. And he just didn't want to possibly wake the man up to go take a shower or make coffee. He really was getting soft.
Youji… the man was messed. Just look at him. His eyes fell on the assassin's watch, carelessly tossed on the bed table. He noted absently that it had stopped. The battery must be dead. Why hadn't Youji gotten it changed? Or was thing finally broken? He wouldn't be surprised. In all the time he'd known him, the blond had been using the same watch. Was it just that Youji couldn't give it up? Like the gun he still kept in the drawer.
Till you pull me in pull me in / And I can't fight
The gun… Brad had given him that gun. He should have dropped it in the bay when the bastard took off. But over time… the gun had become less something the American had gifted him with and more a part of himself. He'd carried it on him ever since. Well, for as long as they were Schwarz anyway. He didn't carry it all the time anymore. He'd gotten a newer one, smaller, easier to hide. He didn't have Schwarz's or Esset's resources if he got caught. And with Nagi around he couldn't afford to get thrown in jail or worse, deported.
Why hadn't he just packed them up and followed Braddy to America? He was sure the man would have found a way to use them. Maybe that was the thing, use them. Brad Crawford used people. And when they weren't very useful anymore…
He sighed, the sound only softly competing with the rattle of the rain. It was pointless to dwell on that any longer. Brad… Esset… Schwarz… they were behind him now. So what was ahead?
If the night is cold / And you're feeling old
What do assassins do when they start getting older? Not that he was OLD by any means… but he had been telling the truth the night before. They were slowing down. He had the advantage of his telepathy, but even that changed with time. Most Esset telepaths were dead by the age of 30. There was the natural death toll for field agents, but aside from the attrition rate… Many simply reached the point where they could no longer deal with the voices in their heads. They either went insane or took their own lives after that.
And the morning cuts you / Like a knife
So where was he headed? He was one of the most powerful telepaths Esset had turned out in the last century, but how did that bode for his continued stability? He snorted, just barely containing the self-depreciating laugh that wanted to come out. Stability? Him! Yeah right, he was about as stable as Nagi was social.
He had phenomenal shields, but the strain of maintaining them day after day, year after year; was wearing. The best telepaths, the longest-lived, had someone to help shoulder that strain. Someone with whom they felt secure enough to relax and allow the gentle melding of minds to shore up battered walls. He thought he had found that with Brad…
He'd been wrong.
And you're wearing thin / Feel you're giving in
Is that why he was clinging to Youji now? Not physically clinging, that was the blonde's job this morning apparently, but mentally grasping. Youji was only the second person to really allow this kind of… bonding for lack of a better word. Bonding… yeah, they had 'bonded' all right. A few months of damn good sex made for great bonding. Sharing the apartment, while it had lasted, had been… well, nice. Someone to wake up to, to talk WITH not just to, someone to share space with in a way that wasn't like you were doing them a favor. Or they were doing one for you.
What did it say about him that he was crawling back into that again?
In the darkest hour of the night / You find daylight
6:55. And it was still fairly dark out, stupid winter. Yeah yeah… it wasn't officially winter but the days were shorter, colder, and the weather sucked. It was winter.
He remembered winter in Germany… a little. The snow. The crispness to the air. The cold… damn was it cold. He didn't like being cold. At least it didn't snow as much in Tokyo.
Why was he waiting for dawn so intently? Was it some kind of turning point, when it would be okay to risk waking up Youji to get some coffee? He didn't really want the coffee. He wanted sleep but that wasn't going to happen, once he was awake, he was awake. Stupid brain, not letting him sleep. He just wanted away from the blond so the other voices would come flooding back in to keep him distracted. Then he wouldn't have to think.
You're a stalled car in the desert
His thoughts just kept circling, coming right back to where he didn't want them to be. Youji. Why was the man such an infuriating source of aggravation? They really had no obligations to each other. There was nothing tying them except… except… damn!
You're a song I can't get off my mind
He'd let Youji in so deeply, that he'd managed to tie their minds together. Not a lot, but it didn't take a lot for a telepath like him. The blond had become one of his anchors, and with Braddy-boy ripping his right out at the roots, he'd been grasping for something to shift and take his place. Apparently his mind had settled on Youji as an acceptable substitute.
Fuck fuck FUCK! He didn't want that! Well, the fucking would be nice… But he didn't want to be depending on anyone like that again. The more he depended on others for his stability, ha-ha… the less he was able to maintain that himself. That was one reason he refused to just cut Nagi loose. Before, if the boy had been this much deadweight Brad would have either returned him to Esset's 'loving care', or just shot the teen himself. But now… well, aside from the fact that Nagi was like a little brother, he was also an anchor. The only one he'd had left.
But here was Youji too… and the blond was circling around in his head like one of those really annoying tunes that gets stuck in there.
And in a dire strait / With no hope at all in sight
7:07. Still dark… still raining… still cold. Yup… nothing had changed. He stiffened slightly as Youji moved a bit behind him. But the man just snuggled closer, arm tightening around his chest for a moment before relaxing again. He snickered. He'd forgotten how cuddly Youji could be. The man was like a leech… okay that was a little rude… like an octopus then, all arms and legs wrapping around. Octopus, still not too flattering. At least it had some intelligence. They could learn and reason; simply, but they could think. Better than most of the junk that came out of sea. He couldn't stand to go to restaurants where they had tanks of live things to cook. If he was eating seafood, it had to be dead, preferably prepared in a way that he couldn't see its original form.
There really was no hope for him. He had Youji back in his bed, and wouldn't be able to let him go again. But what would the man do? He couldn't tell the blond how to live his life and what to do with it. If Youji felt that he HAD to return to Weiss… who was he to tell him not to do that? He'd spent years getting to the point where no one could tell him what to do. And now was he going to turn around and dictate things to someone else? How hypocritical was that?
You come rushing in rushing in / With a lifeline
But he needed Youji. THERE… he admitted it, was his mind happy now? It was 7:14, could he go back to sleep?
Guess not. But he did need Youji. The blond understood him in a way few had ever managed before. And there was the fact that he was almost as screwed up as the telepath himself.
Pull me closer to your breast / I need you finally I confess
There was comfort in the admission. Comfort in realizing that being alone the way he had been, was not working. Youji wasn't awake to share in this realization, and might never know of it. But by being here, this morning… this DAMNED too early morning; the blond had caused him to think things through. Shit… now he owed Youji another one.
I'm drifting I'm drifting / I love you but I hate you too
7:21. Weren't epiphanies supposed to be marked with some kind of glowing light? Choruses of ethereal voices singing? With someone who was awake enough to appreciate it!
Yotan, was a right bastard at times. Not as much as Crawfish, but then, no one could compete with him in that regard. He'd been awake for nearly an hour now. An hour alone with his thoughts, he hadn't done this much thinking in… probably years. It couldn't be good for him.
God only knows what I could do / I'm drifting I'm drifting
So, what now? What for a pair of not-quite-middle aged assassins? Was there some kind of assassin retirement village on a tropical island somewhere? Actually, a vacation wouldn't be a bad idea. If Youji really did decide to tell Weiss to shove it… they should celebrate. Drag Nagi out of his room before his skin became that shade permanently; visit some tropical place where they serve drinks at 10 am with those little umbrellas. Got to have the little umbrellas.
They could rent one of those beach bungalows and a boat. Not a motor boat, one you had to paddle, and go out on the water. Had to get one large enough that they could lay down and just float. Okay, maybe a motor, cause paddling back didn't sound like that much fun, but some drifting was a good idea. Maybe even some other 'activities'.
Money wasn't an issue. He'd scrimped and saved the entire time he'd been with Esset. He knew Nagi didn't have much to spend his money on. Besides, the kid used to practice hacking with the world banking system; he probably had more money squirreled away than anyone knew about.
Come on give me one reason
So a vacation. But it all hinged on what Yotan decided. He knew the man wouldn't be content to do nothing for the rest of his life. He may pretend to be lazy, and on occasion was, but he needed to be doing something with that active mind of his. The only reason the blond was lazy was because he didn't get enough rest from their work. And then to have to mind the flower shop too! That was a silly cover. Esset never required them to do anything but their primary job. In theory, that ensured that they were rested and fit for their assignments. But Kritiker forced most of it's operatives to lead double-lives. How stressful was that? It would be better for Yotan to get out of that circus.
Come on find me in daylight
Wakey wakey, Yotan. I can't tell you about all my wonderful plans if you're snoozing away the day. Yeah right… it's all of 7:33, I don't even think it IS day yet. Okay, maybe the light is increasing. Yippee… but you gotta wake up.
If the night is cold / And you're feeling old
Warm sun, sleeping till… whenever. Sand, surf… this idea was sounding better and better. He hated winter, so they would go where there was no winter. They would rest up and maybe Youji wouldn't look so thin and tired. Maybe the aches and pains would vanish as well. They were both scarred, inside and out. They were run down, he could feel it sure as he could feel the man's arm wrapped around him. Which brought to mind another problem.
And the morning cuts you / Like a knife
7:39 and light was finally struggling its way in through the window. He had forgotten to pull the curtains the night before so the rainy, gray glimmer of dawn was… not pouring in since it was raining, but slithering in. Like a snake. He was damn poetic this morning. Definitely not enough sleep.
And you're wearing thin / Feel you're giving in
Okay… that's it… he wasn't going to wait any longer. He had to use the bathroom, wanted a cup of coffee and a cigarette, although the latter wasn't going to happen. He was going to have to risk waking Yotan. His fingers threaded through the other man's and he lifted the hand enough to kiss the back of the blonde's knuckles.
7:48. "sorry, Yotan."
In the darkest hour of the night / You find daylight
"That's okay, I was awake."
You'll find daylight
-owari-
AN: Hmmm… interesting, really didn't have a clear idea where this one was going to go beyond, 'Schu, awake in bed, thinking'. The time stamps came as I was actually writing, I'd get to that point and look at the clock and whatever time it was, that's what I wrote in. So yes, I did write this in about an hour and a half.