Chapter Six: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

My leg is going to drop off because of that damn dog and I haven't had any sleep.

I have to teach Potter again today for potions. It's not pretty; blood and gore everywhere and now I have a limp, which ruins my evil sweeping walk. And that Potter gave me a dirty look at breakfast, even after I had said good luck. Okay, maybe the good luck was a little itsy bitsy nasty with a mild sneer but nothing too evil. I have the perfect plan to pay Potter back for giving me evils. Hahahahaha.

I don't want to go down to the staff room; McGonagall is going to kill me very slowly and painfully. She will know it was me, because anyone else would have told her straight away. Maybe I should chuck the book into the Great Lake as well? The squid won't be too happy; McGonagall won't be either, but then again when is she?

I'm bored, nothing to do and I have to face McGonagall sometime today. Actually she isn't that scary, I'm scarier than her and she's the one who reads Mills and Boon, not me.

Damn. While slowly sweeping down the corridor, McGonagall suddenly came out of her classroom and stood smirking at me.

"Severus. Glad to see you haven't been drinking coffee."

Haha. A sneaky statement, well shove this in your pipe and smoke it.

"I haven't drank coffee for a few weeks, but seen as you are so concerned about my safety Minerva, I'll be sure to tell you the minute I can drink it again."

Ha. Severus one, McGonagall zippo.

"I suppose you have seen my Mills and Boon book anywhere?"

Another sneaky question. I'm afraid that I'm not going to confess everything to you.

"No, of course I haven't seen it, maybe the squid ate it?"

Severus two, McGonagall big wrinkly nothing.

"Along with my tartan hat?"

She has got me trapped, how does she know the squid ate it?

"Maybe it has a special fondness for things of revolting twaddle?"

To prove this I could feed you to it and see if it vomits straight away or waits a couple of years for you to digest. I had a dog and his name was Three To Nothing!

"Well if you happen to find it, please return it to me, in the same state that it was before it got lost."

Smarmy cow. Please return it indeed. She must of found it or she wouldn't be asking me such stupid questions.

"Of course I will return it, if I find it that is."

I could always apologise to McGonagall. Anything is possible.

First break. I'm on duty and it's freezing cold. Annoyed Potter. Go me.

I hate being on duty, it does give me an extra chance to take points of the little scruffs, but I'd rather smirk at McGonagall from one side of the staff room.

Hmmm. Potter, Weasel and Granger are all stood around something, looking extremely guilty, lets go and annoy them.

Well Potter did have a library book, so I took it off him. I heard him mutter:

"I bet he just made that rule up."

Well I did so ha. And you should try muttering a little quieter; the whole point is so that I DON'T hear what you say.

Anyway, I have second year Hufflepuffs next so I have to practise my sneering for a while in the mirror before their lesson.

Muhahahaha.

Lunchtime. In staff room, just had leg re-bandaged by Filch. Potter came in and saw my leg. Scared the Hufflepuffs into hysterics.

You can probably guess from the heading that I am having a reasonable mixed with crap day. Scared all the Hufflepuffs into hysterics while half way through my lesson. I am quite proud of this seen as I have only managed to scare myself into hysterics so far.

This damn leg is so painful. I had Filch redo the bandages, but guess who chose that minute to waltz in? Potter! I quickly thought of something to say.

"How are you suppose to keep track of all three heads at once?"

Great. Now Potter thinks I'm after the Philosophers stone. I may be able to use this to my advantage. Aha, an idea! Why couldn't I of said:

"Did I tell you I'm brewing the key to eternal life later tonight?"

That would of scared the hell out of him. Now he thinks I'm a thief, and an extremely crap one at that. I would simply pour a sleeping potion into that dog's food while it was prepared in the kitchens then sneak in and steal the stone whilst it slept. Not go against a three-headed dog with nothing but my fists and a wand that I can't get to work that well. Potions is my thing, not waving a wand around and shouting hocus pocus, hoping something will happen. I like to know something will happen and pretty damn quickly.

I have to go and shout at my Quidditch team for a while and tell them to give Potter a good kick from me. I love my genius ideas.

Finished teaching Potter potions, stupid thickheaded boy.

It is as I suspected. Potter's head is so big it won't fit through the door to the dungeons any more. Okay, so maybe I did shrink it a tiny bit just before he came through it, but it still proves my point of Potter having a big head. Like his father.

Granger quickly saw Potter get stuck (hahahaha) and made the doorway wider for him but I quickly thought of an answer:

"When I want my classroom refurbished, I shall come to you straight away Miss Granger, in the meantime will you leave the doorway alone!"

That made all of the class look up and Granger went red while I sneered contentedly behind her. Hahaha. Thinking about it that would have been a great opportunity to take twenty points off Gryffindor.

I am reading the Daily Prophet in the staff room and I have noticed a 'lonely hearts' page. Come on! If you need a paper to advertise your love you must be pretty sad, lonely (hence the lonely hearts) and very, very ugly.

Maybe I should right in? Only joking! But I am very bored and I don't really have time to go out partying….

I should persuade McGonagall to write in, she must be very lonely.

My brilliant piece for the lonely-hearts page is finished. Now all I have to do is send it in.

Maybe it's a bit long? All the others are three sentences and mine is two pages. I'll let you read it:

Tall, good-looking, clever male is searching for an attractive young female preferably human. To have fun, quality time that you will remember forever. I am a teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and therefore work very long hours and live at the school, but I would have plenty of time to spare for someone I 'love.'

It goes on to explain how great I am and why I would make the perfect boyfriend/husband. I have disallowed any children of any kind. I am not having little brats running around my house. Reading it through I think it may be a little arrogant. Nah, never mind. I'll keep it in here and ponder on whether to send it in or not. What if no one replies? What if another bloke replies? What if Quirrel replies?