Chapter eight: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

You know when McGonagall was talking to the squid? You don't want to know what she has done….

Well now that I've said that, you probably do. She has told it to wake me up every morning at three o'clock by sitting (or floating) outside my window and making lots of really annoying noises that you can't possibly ignore. Maybe I could slip some poison into the lake, think Dumbledore may notice? I should turn it into a rabbit or something then I could sit and laugh at it. I suppose I could go and make some coffee, which might make me feel better.

Well it didn't make me feel better

I have just remembered that SHE BROKE MY COFFEE CUP! Now I have to use this crummy one that says 'best teacher in the world' written all over it. I think it is Trelawney's. Best teacher in the world my arse. Craziest teacher in the world maybe, but certainly not the best. I wonder if I could get one saying 'Leave me alone or regret it'? I'll have to look for one next time I go into Hogsmeade.

Bored, bored and guess what? BORED!

I'm bored. It's only 4:30 am and I have to amuse myself for around three hours. I could go and wander round aimlessly for a bit. Nah., that's a stupid idea and it is really boring.

Wandering aimlessly around.

This is so naff. Maybe I could go and wake up McGonagall to annoy her? I have a cunning plan…

My cunning plan turned out to be… very cunning… and it worked! Kind of.

Hahahaha! Stick that up your hen's arse and smoke on it! My cunning plan was to go and throw sticks against McGonagall's window, which is frankly a bit of a crummy plan. So instead I chucked Peeves into her room, he caused absolute havoc! Throwing stuff, covering everything in ink, ripping books up and the best thing is she can't possibly blame me! Unless Peeves tells her how I threw him into the room. I'd better go and find him to bribe him to shut up.

I never knew bribing was so hard

Peeves has just wiped the floor with me and made me realise that I am scared stupid by McGonagall and who can blame me? Peeves wanted thirty Galleons, a new bow tie and me to kick Mrs Norris where the sun doesn't shine. I've given him the Galleons and I think I'll be able to kick Mrs Norris in the Great Hall tonight. I don't know about the bow tie though. I hate shopping. And I still have to sort out that squid, I need to think of something to make (a) McGonagall pay and (b) the squid leave Hogwarts. I am going to go and brood in my dungeon.

In dungeons holding THE SOLUTION

I have made the most destructive thing ever and that squid won't know what has hit him. It is a potion that I will slip into the lake water for that squid to slurp up and Bob's your uncle, Betty's your aunt and Tiddles is your goldfish. My plan will be complete. Just noticed while reading over some of my earlier entries in this diary that I have lots of plans and they always go wrong. Well this one is mistake resistant. Unless, of course, the squid doesn't drink lake water. I'll soak some toast in the potion as well just to be sure, that squid eats anything.

"What is this potion?" I hear you shout. Well… I'm not telling you! Hahaha!

Christmas is coming. It's like a wart, no matter what you do, it keeps coming back and you can't avoid it.

The castle is covered in about seven feet of snow, the lake is frozen solid so I can't give THE SOLUTION to the squid yet and them stupid Weasley twins have bewitched some snowballs to follow Quirrel round and bounce off his turban. It is actually pretty funny watching Quirrel leg it down the corridor being whacked by snowballs, and I would have laughed if nobody were around. Luckily the owls can't battle through the snow and so I don't attacked in the morning by a flood of owls all wanting a scrap of Professor Snape as a souvenir. I bet they all sit in the Owlrey and plot against me, betting which one of them can peck at me the hardest. At least I have that councillor to moan to for about an hour, I found one in the Daily Prophet and decided to make an appointment, for today. In about three hours actually. I'm quite looking forward to it. I can moan to someone other than myself, and scribble moanings down in here of course. That reminds me, some of the students have started to notice that I carry a book around with me and scribble in it a lot. I shouted at a group of first years, because they were trying to see what I was writing, to stop being nosy or go and be nosy somewhere else. They looked pretty scared. Ummmmm. I wonder if scaring a councillor is possible? What should I call him? (The councillor). How about these:

1. Mr Councillor (Not too chummy, not too nasty)

2. Mr Shrink (Quite nasty, not chummy at all)

3. Mr Money Grabber (Truthful, but still very nasty)

4. Mr Agony Aunt (Funny and nasty)

5. Mr (His last name e.g. Smith. Too formal?)

6. His first name (Too chummy)

7. Thingy (Very funny, but also nasty and annoying)

8. Mr Annoying, don't waste my time (Only joking, I'm not quite that mean. He might start to get annoyed with me after a bit if I keep calling him that.)

I think I'll settle for just avoiding calling him anything. Just hover until he notices me and then speak, then listen to what he says. Ummm. I wonder what he will call me?

1. Mr Snape (That even looks stupid, never mind sounds stupid)

2. Professor Snape (Too formal? I'll think he is a little brat I have to teach all day and shout at him if he calls me professor)

3. Severus (Hope not. That IS too chummy)

4. Thingy (I will not be amused)

Maybe if he just doesn't call me anything and I don't call him anything we will just hover in his office for an hour and ignore each. That might be nice, but also defeat the point of having a councillor in the first place.