Disclaimer: These characters were created by Tamora Pierce. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

A/N: Daine suffers a little guilt in this chapter which she does not deserve. I put this in because I feel it is a normal transition in her personality at this juncture. However, I do not think that anyone in her situation should ever feel guilty.

Likewise, Numair gets some guilt, though his is earned, though he blows it out of proportion. I think it fits nicely with cannon for his immediate consideration of his reputation in RoTG.

Chapter 10 – Guilt

In the morning, Numair rose at dawn and dressed quickly. He hurried across the snow covered courtyard toward the rider barracks. He brushed the snow from his hair and knocked on Onua's door. She was already dressed and was preparing to go to breakfast, as he had expected. Sarge was sitting on her bed, also dressed. He was stoic and looked like he might be a little irked with Numair.

"Onua, I'm sorry to start your morning this way. Can we have a word?"

She turned to Sarge. If she said something, Numair did not hear. But Sarge rose and followed, "I think anything you say to Onua should probably be said to me too," the large man said.

Numair nodded. "Onua, where do I start?" He took a deep breath. "We had a conversation last night and I voiced a concern about Daine's swain in a most disrespectful way and I am very sorry about that."

"You're forgiven," Onua said after a glance at Sarge.There was only a moment when Onua and Numair smiled nervously at one another before he continued.

"Unfortunately, my fears seem to have been confirmed." He pulled at his nose and looked nervously at Onua. She looked stunned. "Daine scared him off and came to me because things were said …" He couldn't look at Onua or Sarge now so he just stared at the floor. "Thayet and I walked her to her room in the middle of the night. At that time she was okay. But I know Daine and I know she will get herself twisted up about this. She's not mean by nature and although I think she did the right thing, I'm concerned that she might start to rethink things. She shouldn't be alone but well – she needs you, not me."

"Tell me everything," she said.

Sarge followed that with, "Where is he? I'll tear him limb from limb."

He relayed the story as summarily as he could, never looking up. He finished, "Jon dismissed him and he was packed and gone with the sunrise. Daine wouldn't let me set him on fire," he added with regret. Sarge chuckled and Onua's eyes twinkled.

"You should probably know that the gossip I heard on my way out of the palace has him raping her violently," he said, shuddering at the thought, "and –" he felt a little nauseous as he said it, "apparently he has been a little less than gentlemanly before with a few servant girls, although it is hard to sort out what is truth and what isn't. Do you know that George advised me to check him out by asking a few girls and I failed to do it?"

"Don't go blaming your self," Sarge advised. "He fooled us too."

"I do hold some responsibility here though. If I had been a little more honorable where women were concerned, she might not have had to suffer this," Numair admitted.

An aching guilt grew in him as he bid them goodbye. This was the type of lesson in reputation that every man hoped never to learn. The consequences had not been visited upon him, but rather, the woman he loved. He had been hardly better than Perin in his behavior toward the ladies of court. He would dance them, romance them, and bed them without so much as a thought to the cruel tongues around them. How many had then attracted even more men like that because of rumors? He also had to admit that there were a few who he had pursued because he heard they were open to such persuasion. He wondered now if any of those were actually innocent of the rumors. Although he had never verbally abused anyone who refused him and he would never, ever physically abuse a woman, he had certainly moved on without a word.

Unbidden, pictures of the women he had been with in the last eight years ran through his mind. Numair tried to think if any of them had gone on to make the kind of matches that their families had hoped for. He couldn't think of a single one that he knew to be happily married. He wasn't sure if that was because there weren't any or because he hadn't cared to keep up with them. Neither option was preferable. Though in some cases, the women he had been with had desired an empty sexual liaison, on a couple of occasions, breakups had been uncomfortable. He could remember one blond beauty named Delilah who had cried terribly and told him that she believed he intended to marry her. Although he apologized, he most certainly could have made his intentions clear in the first place. He had not been as penitent as he should have been.

He could remember his pride at the Goddess telling him that he was a great man. But right now Numair didn't feel great – he felt low. He felt he had no right to be within 100 yards of Daine. His thoughtless carousing had hurt her deeply.

Numair had actually spent a hopeful night. His mind had focused on Thayet's encouragement and George's sage advice. He also knew by what George had said that Alanna was probably on his side. He had thought only on his own strong desire to have Daine's love. And with the support and acceptance of those friends, he thought he might someday earn the blessings of all ofhis friends. Now, with the light of day, he could see what he had been too selfish to admit. He didn't deserve Daine. Nothing good could ever come of a relationship between them. She would be humiliated over and over by the wagging tongues of the court and he could do nothing to stop it. He had tarnished his own reputation beyond repair and it would spill over and leave her no mercy.

Numair Salmalin slipped into a depression that he would fight in silence for weeks to come.

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When Daine opened her door and found Onua standing there with a stack of biscuits and a small jar of jam, she hardly knew what to say. Her eyes were puffy from sobbing the night before and her cheek was now swollen and purple. She shouldn't have refused to see a healer, but at midnight it had seemed a silly reason to wake anyone. Now she saw Onua focus on that bruise with wide eyes and wished she had gone to Duke Baird after all. She could do it now but she'd have to cross the courtyard sporting a bruise that no one could possibly miss.

Onua joined Buri and Thayet in Daine's small room and the three visitors laughed when they saw one another.

"Good morning, Onua," Daine said. Not wanting to waste time on pretenses, she asked, "So how did you find out so quickly?"

Thayet and Buri looked like they were trying not to laugh. "Numair came to see me bright and early. He said you would need me, although you look to be in the best of hands." The three K'miri women smiled at one another.

"How is Numair?" Thayet asked with a closed expression.

"Feeling extremely guilty and a little put off that he wasn't allowed to throw lightening at Perin," Onua answered with an amused expression. "Of course Sarge feels that he should be allowed to show Perin what a spear is for, so I think it's good that Jon hurried him away."

"That's a bit harsh, don't you think?" Daine asked.

"No," said Buri flatly. "I thought he might make a nice target for practicing with my recurved bow."

Daine snickered a little, though it was only because she thought they expected it. She was feeling too melancholy to find much humor in the situation.

"So I heard you changed into a lion. Why did you pick that animal?" Onua asked.

"It was mean really," Daine answered. "He told me once that they scared the wits out of him."

Buri, Thayet and Onua laughed heartily. Daine remained silent, trying to figure out what to do now that she had all of them there in such a small space. Kit began to trill from the corner making stars appear from her crystal.

"When I saw Numair do that last night, I wondered how long it would take her to figure a way to do it herself," Thayet commented. "Where did she get that crystal anyway?"

"He gave it to her at mid-winter. She won't take it off."

They grinned at the little dragon as she continued to stare at the projected stars. Daine was quiet for so long that Onua and Thayet asked simultaneously, "What are you thinking?" Then they looked at each other and snorted.

Daine looked at the two women and asked, "Do you really want to know?"

They nodded emphatically and looked at her expectantly. So she said, "I'm wondering if I should have just invited him in." It was the truth although another part of her was repulsed by the thought.

The three K'miri women answered at once and it took Daine a minute to sort out what the three simultaneous exclamations were. She was sure that, "Why would you think that?" had been Thayet's, while Onua had said, "Daine, no!" and Buri had hissed, "I don't believe it."

She looked at them apologetically and said, "I can't help it. I'm not sure what I was afraid of anyway and it's not like…" She stopped dead at the shocked looks of her companions. "My ma let men stay over sometimes. I don't think I'm better than her do I?"

The silence that followed was uncomfortable. It was Onua who finally said gently, "Numair said you loved Perin, I just didn't believe it."

Daine said, "But I don't. Alanna thought that too. They say I dreamed of him when I had the fever but I don't remember that." Shehad hoped they'd be distracted by the fever story, butall three women remained silent, looking at her expectantly. "It's just, look at what I caused, all for what – every one already thinks I been canoodling with this man and that. And it's not like I'm gonna' get married or anything. Maybe I should have just…"

Delicately Thayet said, "Daine, you did nothing wrong here. Is that what you think?"

Daine sighed heavily. "Perin is a clerk. That's what he does and he's good at it. Because of me he lost his position. When the king throws a man out, it isn't – no one's gonna' hire him now. So he's got no work and he was helping his ma by sending money. They aren't nobles and his da is dead. So a whole family suffers for what? My honor?"

The other three women were silent for a long time. The next person to talk was Buri. "Daine, I'm glad you always try to see the whole picture. But first of all he wasn't dismissed because of you. He was dismissed because of his own poor choices. You can't blame yourself because he decided to be an ass. It's really too bad that his ma is poor and needs him. He should have thought of that before he started mistreating women. You are stronger than most, Daine. You can defend yourself. But what if it wasn't you? What if we were listening to a servant girl who was blaming herself for being almost raped? What would you say then?"

"He didn't almost rape me. He called me names and hit me once because I hit first," Daine returned.

"And you turned into a lion and scared him off," Onua shot back. "What if you hadn't? Do you think he would have stopped there?"

Daine froze. She didn't know the answer. This person she thought she knew had turned out to be something completely different and the abrupt alteration had left her confused and self-conscious.

"Daine, honey, maybe you don't realize the extent of Perin's misdeeds," Thayet added. "It's all over the castle this morning. There are servant girls who are calling you a hero for chasing him off. We cannot know how bad it was because servants won't tell for fear that they will lose their standing. He may have hit others or even worse. I feel sympathy for his mother's plight, but he made his own choices."

Daine stared, horrified. "He seemed so nice for so long. When I thought Numair was dead, he stayed with me and comforted me. He was a perfect gentleman and very sweet. I feel like this was two different men. Are all men like this?"

"Goddess no," Thayet answered.

"But there are some who fool you," Onua added cautiously. "I thought my husband was a kind man when I married him. He was actually cruel and violent. And then there was Cearl." Her expression finished the thought – no explanation necessary.

"It's why some of us focus on our careers and ignore men," Buri said.

"And why those of us who did find a good one thank the Gods every day," Thayet added.

"Maybe Cloud has it right. Run with the herd but only spend time with geldings," Daine voiced. The others laughed.

"Or maybe you should wait for the right one," Onua countered.

"And the one that's right for you won't be the same as what's right for any of us," Thayet added. "Still though, I just want to assure you that Jon is always kind and loving to me. I know Sarge seems very good to Onua. There are nice men. I believe you have a good friend who is a man. Are you suddenly wondering if Numair is a monster in disguise?

Daine smiled and shook her head. "He can be thick-headed at times – his words not mine; but you saw him last night, he's always nice to me."

"Maybe before you let any more court you, you should decide what you want in a man. Do you know?" Buri asked.

"Ummm – I'd like someone who isn't afraid of my magic and doesn't run from my friends, even when I'm talking to a skunk or a snake."

The three ladies laughed. "It might be hard to find that one," Buri answered.

"I don't know. Maybe she ought to look a little harder," Thayet said with a knowing smile. "Sometimes everything you want is already hanging around. You need only to lift your head and see him."

Daine stared at her for a moment and said, "If that were true then Onua and Buri would be married too."

Thayet grinned broadly. "Daine, lifting her head and looking up was exactly what Onua had to do." Everyone laughed at the obvious reference to Sarge's stature. "Buri will find someone when she wants to. She's probably got to quit challenging every man she knows to spar with her though. Men don't like to be beaten."

All four of them laughed heartily.

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