Chapter nine: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller.
Well this is the most unhelpful thing ever.
I'm currently sat in an office, on my own. What is the point of coming here? I can sit on my own wherever, seen as no one wants to talk to me. The councillor is the most stupid person ever too.
He keeps going on about bananas. What is all that about? The minute I sat down it was...
"Do you like bananas?"
I looked at him as though he was mad (which I think he is) and he started to scribble in a little pad. I thought quickly.
"No"
Then what did the stupid man say?
"How do you feel about that?"
How do I feel about not liking bananas? What would you say? Or how do I feel about bananas? Or do I think bananas don't like me? I don't like them, end of story. Now get on with something more constructive. Berk. Oh, the door is opening. Great, and he is looking at me extremely weirdly.
"Do you keep a diary or journal Severus?"
Severus! We ain't on first name terms yet and if I have anything to do with it we won't be for a very long time yet. And he is still looking at me as though I'm an alien from another planet. Oh, I know why he's looking at me weirdly! It's because I'm scribbling everything down in here while giving him evils. Do you think I'd better answer him? No, I don't think so either.
What's he doing now? Right, getting a chair from his desk. Why? Wasn't the chair fine where it was? No, don't bother coming sitting next to me, great, that's exactly what he's doing.
"Now Severus, will you let me take a look at what you are writing?"
Not bloody likely. Patronizing git.
"Don't treat me like a child, I am here to complain about my life and you are here to listen to me complaining then tell me everything is okay."
"And how do you feel about that?"
"ANNOYED!"
I think I scared him. Good. He's scuttled back round his side of the desk. I think I'd better stop writing; it makes me look like I've nothing better to do.
In dungeons, recuperating after my counselling session with a mug of coffee.
Crackpot. We spent the next hour arguing over why I teach kids when I don't like them. He recommended I should go for another job, when I told him to suggest one suitable for me he shut up pretty quickly. I told him about the squid, Harry Potter, coffee, Harry Potter, my love life (that didn't take long) and McGonagall.
He said I have a problem with Potter. You really must have to have a degree in brain surgery to be able to work that one out. Then he insinuated that I'm in love in McGonagall! I swear if there were anything pointy near his desk at that minute, he wouldn't be able to have children for a long time. After moaning about Potter a bit more he asked the question I knew was coming.
"And is there anyone special in your life at the minute?"
"Is that any of your business?"
I'm sure he was about to say yes.
"No, I'm sorry if you felt I was prying."
But you were prying. I don't think, I know you were. And he kept scribbling in on that piece of paper.
Then after telling him about the squid he said that maybe I should try to establish a friendship with it. I don't think so.
You know on Muggle TV when they have them cards with big splodges on? Well he whipped them out of his filing cabinet and started muttering about never going to work again.
"Tell me, what is the first thing that comes into your head when you see these."
He held up a piece of white card with a splodge on. I sat there trying to think something other than 'This is naff.'
"Umm…"
Think of something. Think!
"A mark on a piece of card."
Well that's going to impress him.
"Okay… And this one?"
Another mark on a card. What would you say?
"It's the same as the last one."
He pretended to look thoughtful.
"Ahhh." You're not Dumbledore, shut it.
"So you feel that these two cards have something in common?"
"Yeh, they are both marks on pieces of white card."
"And how do you feel about that?"
I looked at him as though he was stupid- which he is. I decided to be clever.
"I think they both signify something of importance in my life. Coffee."
That stumped him. He began to look around. Probably for something to whack me over the head with.
"Um… Well, I think that you need to cut back on the coffee for a start, it makes you more nervous and therefore more angry..."
That is the lamest piece of advice I have ever heard. Cut back on coffee, it's the thing that keeps me alive, has he been listening to me or the lamppost outside?
"… And try to establish some friendships within the teaching staff at Hogwarts School."
And that is the second lamest piece of advice I have ever heard. Who would want to make friends with me? Except Quirrel and that is a definite no.
Then he stood up walked over to the door and waited for me to get up.
"I hope I'll be seeing you soon Sever…"
I slammed the door in his face to shut him up. I think I caught one or two of his fingers in the door too but oh well. At least I'm safe from him, and I've got my coffee. Happy days.
That damn squid will get what is coming to it in the end.
It's three o'clock in the morning and I have just woken up because of the squid spaying water against the window, making the window rattle. I need some coffee. Bloody thing.
Bleeding squid. It's freezing cold and I've lost my slippers.
Stone is not the warmest thing in the world and especially when you have nothing on your feet. At least the lake has unfrozen now, so I can go back to my original plan off Feed the Squid the Potion, Sit Back and Watch it Work.
But I'm still cold; maybe that hot water bottle I got for Christmas (off myself) three years ago is still under the bed?
Yes! It is! Now I have to fill it, a spell for hot water, anyone? This is super- naff. There are no spells I can think of for hot water and I can't be arsed going all the way to the kitchens to get some. Maybe I can find a spell in one of my books?
How to get scorch marks out of tables- Very useful, but no
Do you want perfect straight hair? - Yes, but not at the minute
How to remove warts- I swear that isn't mine
The perfect cup of coffee- Yes! Here it is, a spell for hot water. Now I can be nice and warm.
In bed with hot water bottle. Nice and happy. Well, as happy as I can be.
Don't want to get up. It's only half six. I'm hungry. I might pull a sicky. But then I'll get sent up to the hospital wing. I think I'd better get up. I need food, and some sneering therapy.
Great hall, sneering at some Hufflepuffs who are gawping at me.
I feel better already. It's quite warm in here, I can sit and sneer as much as I want and Quirrel hasn't come in for breakfast. I shouldn't have said that, here he comes.
"Hello Severus."
Get away from me
"What?"
Get to the point or go away in other words
"I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
What! Tell me he didn't just shout out happy birthday in the middle of the Great Hall while everyone was having breakfast. He did. Maybe if I slide under the table no one will notice. The whole school won't notice me trying to get under the table? It'll never happen. Even Dumbledore is grinning at me like a crazy old man. Wait, he is a crazy old man. Maybe if I ignore him he'll go away and the school will think he is just gone loopy?
"Thank you Professor Quirrel, I wasn't actually going to announce it…"
Good. Now shut up Dumbledore and let me get on with my breakfast
"… But seen as you now all know…"
No! No! No! Shut up!
"… Professor Snape has got a birthday today. I know you are all wondering how old he is? Well he's…"
Arrrggghh! Do something! Something preferably scary.
"Headmaster, I've left the iron on."
The whole school turned to stare at me before erupting into laughter. Real scary, Severus. Brilliant
Dumbledore then did that old grandpa smile (the one they do when they have no teeth) and McGonagall was twittering away next to him. Trying and failing not to laugh. I am going to go and cry in my room.
I exited the hall in the most dignified way possible, but not before Quirrel whipped out a package wrapped in orange paper and tried to hand it to me. I tried to ignore him and make my escape but he insisted on standing in front of me and doing the hurt puppy look. Now I usually like making people cry but not grown men and not in front of a whole school. I grabbed the present and ran (well, drifted quickly because you can't run in long black cloaks.)
You will never guess what Quirrel bought me.
"Me and My Pet Iguana called Erwin Part 2- How to teach him tricks."
It might make a nice door stop.