Jim had to escape the house. Christmas vacation at the Sullivan's was great, but crowded. His sisters-in-law seemed to have competed for the title "Most Fertile" the past year. Hailey had a girl she'd named Chloe; but Joanne won with a set of twin boys. Curt and Conan? Who cursed their kids with names like Curt and Conan?
"Come on, Hank. Let's get some exercise." He said as he grabbed the leash and his white cane and headed for the door. Jim was going to let Hank be just a dog right now. It was vacation time for everybody. They made their way out the back door and down to the fence at the end of the yard. There was a ravine there. He and Christie used to go walking there all the time. The snow had probably drifted across the damn thing now, blanketing the gravel and making it slick. He supposed he could have asked Christie to join him, but she was busy playing auntie to the babies. Three babies this year and all with awful names. Ifhe and Christie ever had kids they were going to be named regular names like John or Mary or Fred… well maybe not Fred. Maybe Hank; after his dog; now there would be Hell to pay if he even suggested that.
"God, when did I become the master of the avoid dance? Avoidance, that's my specialty."
Raising his face to the wind Jim made his way to the gate in the fence. Was he ready to step out to the ravine? He hadn't been there alone since the shooting. Yeah, shooting… he didn't say accident anymore. Call a spade a spade and get on with life; well if he went out there he might not find his way back,the familywould notice he was gone, get worried and send out a search party. Generally chaos would ensue and Jim just didn't feel like being the centre of things tonight.
"Jimmy," Christie called as she ran to him. "I saw you sneaking away. Don't you dare leave me with the baby brigade?"
"I thought you loved being Auntie Christie?" he smiled and raised his arm out to gather Christie close when she came into reach.
"I do, in limited doses. I just don't like gushing over baby bowel movements. Ugh!"
"What about when we have one of our own?" Jim waited for a reply, but Christie remained silent. "Honey, don't you want a family of our own?"
Finally, she answered. "Yes, I do but I didn't know if you did."
"Yeah, I do too… and soon. I'm not getting any younger." Jim opened the gate. "Let's go, there something I want to talk to you about; just you."
Arms linked, Jim and Christie walked out of the yard and to the path down into the ravine. Jim could hear Hank bound forward a bit then come back to his master before going out again. There was a parkette about 1000 meters from the Sullivan's yard with a little band shell and Christie guided him there. In the back was a ledge wide enough to use as a seat, sheltered from the wind and washed in shadows it was a perfect place for a quiet talk.
"Okay, what do you want to say, Jimmy," Christie said as she snuggled close to Jim.
"I'm spending more time at Lighthouse, you know. Working hard to improve my Braille and studying to take the sergeants exam."
"Sergeant's exam? Really? You've been avoiding that for years." Christie sounded surprised and happy.
"Well, like I said, I'm not getting any younger and I really want to be further along in my career before I had a son… or a daughter… a kid."
"Caught! You want a Jimmy Junior." Christie was actually laughing now, sounding happy and hopeful.
"I won't lie to you. I hate the names Curt and Conan." He paused as he gently pulled off his gloves and cupped Christie's face in his hands. "A sergeants pay is a nice jump up, and the benefits would increase too. There is something else though; something I never imagined happening to me."
Christie drew her brows together. Something in Jim's voice sounded wistful and sad.
"You can tell me anything… you know that. We've come so far in the past two years and mostly because we can talk now. So, talk now."
Jim hands dropped to Christie's hands and he gently kneaded her fingers as he spoke. "I always imagined I'd keep the world in my head like I remembered it. Well, I started noticing a few months ago I couldn't picture stuff in my head, 'Picture' being the big word. Colours just don't mean the same thing to me anymore. Red is an apple and blue is the sky but when I think apple now I think shape and taste and smell but colour doesn't fit in anymore." Jim felt Christie shift and lay her head against his shoulder. He smiled and put one arm round her waist while the other kept her hand tight in his.
"I asked at Lighthouse and they said this happens all the time. I'm just… forgetting how to see." He tried to sound light and off hand, but he could feel Christie slump against him.
"Christie, it's not so bad." He pulled her closer. "It would have been if I knew right from the start but I didn't… cause some people don't forget, I guess I'm just one of the other whatever percent that does. Funny thing is I think it's a good thing."
Christie didn't say anything and she hoped her body language didn't give away her feeling, but the very thought that Jimmy forgetting what she looked like being a good thing hurt her to the very bottom of her soul.
"Now," it almost seemed like he read her mind as Jim ran his fingers through her hair, "I have this whole new image of you. Your hair is so silky and smells of lilacs; never change your shampoo because it makes me think of springtime and sunshine and you are my sun."
His fingers trailed to her ear, gently pulling the lobe and traveling around her neck to the other side. "I never paid enough attention to your beautiful face. You were like a beautiful ornament that I would take out and show everyone what a prize I had won. After the shooting I hated your beauty because I'd never see it again. Now I see your skin, your lips your everything is my own way that other men can't share and I know they are jealous of me because your mine."
"Is this a seduction, Jimmy?" she whispered as she turned to her husband.
"Only if truth is seducing, only if making new memories can prove that I what a lucky son of a bitch I am." Suddenly he shook his head, "back to truth. The sergeant's exam is one of the ways I can see of admitting I'm not the same man I was before. I think I'm better or at least working hard to get that way. I'll still be a street cop, for a while at least, but remember what I promised when we got married?"
"You promised a lot of things. I can't remember then all."
"I broke a few of those, didn't I? Well, I promised I'd be Chief of Police one day… and I can't do that by staying a plain detective forever. I'm forty, time to take the next step in the plan."
"But, Jimmy, can they stop you? I mean… what am I saying," she gave a tired little laugh, "the Chief of Detectives tried to stop you before and look what he got."
"Yeah, me; Jim Dunbar: the homicide detective with the biggest set of brassballs of anyone in the whole damn NYPD," he smirked, but then his expression softened. "I'll need you help. I know you've been waiting to hear me say this so I will. I'll have to go to conferences and seminars and I'll need youtherewith me sometimes. It might interfere with your job and I don't want to hold you back, because I am never going to be able to tell you if your shoes match your purse."
"I can tell that myself. You are going to have to go to conferences with me too." Christie squeezed his arm, "I might need some arm candy myself sometimes."
"And the family we want, Baby Dunbar… I'm ready whenever you are. Just let me know." Jim shook his head, "inertia, we've been trapped in inertia. It's time to move under our own steam, you ready to chug along with me."
"Yeah, I think I am. We'll still keep doing the couples counseling?"
"Hell, we may need to double up on our sessions. Right now, I'm getting cold. Where's Hank?"
"He's right here, just waiting for you to call him."
"Well, I hope he isn't jealous because I paying all my attention to you." Jim rose and put his hand out to his wife.
"Does this mean my moody husband is gone?" Christie asked as she watched Jim put his gloves back on.
"Oh no, I probably regret this soul searching in the morning. But for now I think I took a few steps forward. Walk with me."
"Yes, as long as we can keep moving forward."