Chapter eleven: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

That friggin' squid is going to get its comeuppance one of these days!

I don't believe it! Oh great, now I sound like a friggin' Muggle, horrible things. You know the squid, you won't believe what it has gone and done- fallen in love with me because of that damn potion. It wasn't really my fault, it was meant to fall in love with the first person it saw which I thought would be McGonagall, but it wasn't. It was me. So much for getting McGonagall back for keeping me awake. And the squid keeps sending me lots of presents from the Daily Prophet, which is okay but just not very flattering. I'm seeing that Muggle councillor today as well, told Dumbledore I have to go to the dentist, don't think he believed me.

Right, I'm all set for the councillor, just need some floo powder

Cleaned my teeth, brushed my hair, dry- cleaned my robes using magic and got my appointment card thingy. I'm sure I've got a cold coming on. And I've run out of floo- powder, I'll go and ask Quirrel for some. Actually, that's a bad idea. I think I'll go and raid the stockroom instead.

This is even more stupid than the wizard councillor. Not surprising really. Muggles. Pah.

Great. I'm sat in a cramped waiting area that smells of wet dog, I've got people on all sides of me squishing further into the corner and I've got another five minutes to wait for the councillor. Muggles are so disorganised. I despise them, I despise most people but I despise Muggles more than usual. And I am actually PAYING for this torture; maybe this is part of the therapy? Torture the person so they decide they aren't actually that ill and choose to go home. I know your game; I'm going to sit here as long as it takes. Well, ten minutes maybe.

Get me out of here! NOW!

Ahhhh! She is the most annoying, patronising, scabby, meddlesome, nosy person I have ever met! I have had to come in and sit on this long dodgy couch thing that puts you in a cramped position and talk about PERSONAL things with her! The first thing she said immediately told me she was a nosy old bag was this:

"Hello Mr Snape, and how are we today." The original Muggle greeting, meaning make it short because I'm really not arsed about how you feel, I just want your money. And MR SNAPE! What kind of a name is that?

"So, explain a little about yourself." Well seen as I am the most boring/weird person you ever likely to meet I didn't really have much to say.

"I'm a professor at a school." How exciting am I? I can see her dropping off right this minute.

"Okay. Do you enjoy working at this school?"

"No." You weren't expecting that answer were you. Ha. Mr Snape: one, nosy old bag falling asleep in her chair: zippo.

"Then why do you work there? Surely you could find another job that you would enjoy a lot more and would stretch you to your full potential?"

"I want another job but someone else has it and he wears a turban. Dumbledore won't get rid of him so I can have the job." The woman looked a bit surprised.

"And what do you do to try and prove you would be better at this job than the man who already has it?"

"Complain. A lot." At least I tell it like it is.

"Umm. Is there anyone special in your life?" Changing subjects are we? I know what you are trying to do- catch me off guard. Well tough because it's not going to happen!

"Apart from the love-sick squid, no." I could hardly contain the laughter building up inside of me when I saw her face after telling her that. But I haven't laughed in fifteen years; I'm not going to start now.

"And who is this 'squid'? Do youreturn their feelings?" Return their feelings? NO! It's a squid. I pretended not to hear her.

"So, Severus." Whoa. First names? Who gave her that idea? Definitely not me.

"What do you do outside work?"

"Pickle animals body parts." I don't think she heard me, I hope she didn't anyway. I might get put on a psychiatric ward and I know what the Muggles on them are like. Pretending to look after you while really they are just laughing at everyone.

"Anything else, a little more…umm… relaxing?" Do I look relaxed to you? I am the furthest thing from relaxed.

"No." I think she is waiting for me to say something else. Tough, I'm not going to.

"Um…" She's thinking of something else to say. My elbow is itchy. Well that was a mistake.

"Do you want to tell me about that tattoo?" Er… No.

"It's nothing to do with you." Super Sneer, curl the lip, and shake hair out of eyes. God I'm gorgeous. And quite scary.

"Okay... Do you always wear black?" Don't you DARE whinge about my dress sense; I have a very wide range of clothes, all in black admittedly but oh well. I'm sure Quirrel only has one turban that he wears all the time. I bet he has ginger hair or something.

"Yes."

"Why?" Because I want to, obviously.

"Do you feel black represents your mood?" No. It represents me all over.

"Yes." It's easier to just agree with her.

"And why are you always in a depressing mood?" It's your job to find out why, not mine to tell you. Work for your money for once.

"I do not know."

"Do you have any friends outside work?" I don't have any friends inside work, never mind outside work.

"No." I'm a sad case aren't I?

"Tell me about your childhood."

"My childhood has nothing to do with this. Or you." Maybe that was a bit rude. Oh well, I'm sure I will get over it.

"Do you get a good nights sleep?"

"No, the squid keeps me awake." Great now it sounds like I have a serial squid stalker. Actually I do.

"How is your sex life at the minute?" What? Keep your nose out of my non-existent sex life.

"Fine." Change the subject or risk a slap. It's your choice. Make a good one.

"Right Severus, well I'm going to write down some notes and give them to the receptionist who will read them to you and explain them.

Back home. Relaxing.

In the bath, not a pretty sight I know. The councillor told me to relax so I am. I have lavender candles round the edge of the bath and they absolutely stink, I have been told to cut down on the coffee and try to get a social life/friends. I am still working on the second and third points. It cost me about £400 to see that councillor! And then I had to buy all this relaxation rubbish too. I don't think I'm going back there again.

Christmas Eve

Christmas is here which I am not glad about and I have to join Dumbledore and some squirts from the other houses for Christmas Dinner. I hate Christmas Dinner.