Chapter Twelve: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

Christmas Day. I'm ecstatic with excitement.

Well this is bloody brilliant this is. Here's a list of my Christmas presents.

A chewed pair of socks (from a Hag) A soggy tartan hat (from the Squid) A new coffee cup (from me)

You can tell I'm going to have hours of fun with my presents. Maybe the coffee cup, it is about twice the size of a normal one so I can fit twice the amount of coffee in it. That means I can drink twice as much as I do a normal day with a normal naff coffee cup.

Ahhh! I have found a drink that is BETTER than coffee!

Haha! All the flavour, none of the caffeine, and this is hot chocolate. Dumbledore had some in the staff room today so I whipped up a cup with little marshmallows in it and it was lovely. Scrap that, gorgeous! I'll have to go into Hogsmeade and order some hot chocolate powder stuff. And more milk.

Crummy little crackers.

Someone kill me please. And hurry up about. Dumbledore has just got a flowery bonnet, and is wearing it and is laughing his hairy head off at it. It wasn't even that funny. When the house elves said 'flaming Christmas puddings' I didn't think they're meant burnt to a cinder. Perry Weasley (I think that's his name, it might be Patrick or Percy or something like that) has just found a sickle embedded in his, I hope it breaks his teeth. No such luck. Oh help, McGonagall and Hagrid are both drunk, and Hagrid is slobbering all over McGonagall while she sits there giggling. I suppose she doesn't get any attention from anyone else. Actually, I think a student about thirty years ago fancied her but she got a little creeped out after her tartan hats started disappearing by the dozen then reappearing in his bedroom.

Quirrel is trying to get me to laugh.

And he isn't doing a very good job of it. What is Dumbledore's fascination with Christmas? Why doesn't he just the students a morning off then send them all back to lessons in the freezing cold dungeons? Now that's my kind of Christmas.

Bloody kids.

If them Weasley's don't stop throwing snowballs at my window, they will get something thrown back at them and I promise it won't be a snowball!

Can't sleep, think I'll go and wander round.

Bored. Can't sleep. I think I'll go and wander round in that creepy way that only I can manage to perfect. Then stand in the shadows and spy on Mrs Norris as she wanders past with those massive eyes. I wonder why she is called Mrs Norris? Where's Mr Norris gone? Probably left her, I would if I was married to that mangy thing. Mrs Norris not McGonagall, but then again I wouldn't get married to her in the first place, I bet Filch doped his water or something.

The darkness is dark, the quietness is quiet.

It took me a long time to think that up, stood about two corridors away from the library, no students have showed up yet so I can scare the hell out of them while taking points away, giving them detention and threatening to expel them. I love the last bit, it'll probably never happen but I can always hope. Ahhh! What the hell was that? Someone was screaming and it was coming from the library, right whichever little scruff is in there is in for a smacking. That scared the hell out of me, and that isn't good for a person with blood pressure as high as mine is.

Well that was weird.

Apparently there was nothing there, Filch came sprinting up and met me just as I reached the end of the corridor and said in his creepy voice with them very mouldy teeth:

"Somebody has been in the library in the restricted section, I found this."

Then he holds up a mashed lamp. Do I look bothered about a lamp, or where the little beggar was? I just want to catch them then go and whinge to Dumbledore about them being out of bed. Then I heard breathing extremely close to us, so I pretended to stretch and yawn, but I didn't hit anything so it must have just been Filch wheezing or something. I bet it was Potter, showing off by being out of bed. I bet he is up in that common room laughing with his little friends, arrrggghhh! I swear if I ever get my hands on the little squirt I'll… I'll… (I'll think of something in a minute). Oh go away Mrs Fleabag, I think I'd better go and lie down before I hurt myself. Beware Potter; I've my eye on you, all of them.

Great. This is just bloody great.

You won't BELIEVE what Dumbledore has just asked me.

"Severus, I think YOU should referee the next Quidditch match. You need to COMMUNICATE with the students more, you are too SEPARATE and many of them are SCARED of you. By refereeing the match you should become CLOSER to the students and some of them may even LIKE you."

Oh and that is my only goal in life, to get a bunch of whinging kids to like me. The words I've written in capitals are the words that Dumbledore emphasises in that really annoying voice he has. I think Dumbledore should become a Muggle councillor; he'd be better than that stupid man I saw first. So that's final, I'm refereeing the next Quidditch match, Gryffindor against Hufflepuff. I think I'm going to be biased, against Potter and his little chums of course. I might have to be NICE to the immature little Quidditch playing nerds, but that doesn't mean I can't get some satisfaction out of seeing Hufflepuff win. And if I see Quirrel muttering to himself like a turban headed twit I can easily hex him from above the stadium, nobody will ever know. Hee, hee, hee.

Following Potter round. It's becoming quite funny.

Ha. Decided to follow Potter round whenever I have a free lesson, it is really starting to creep him out. He turns around and I'm there. Glaring at him with my big black cloak. Heard a fifth year call me an, 'Overgrown bat' yesterday. I am quite pleased really; an overgrown bat is just the image I wanted to portray. Maybe I should get some of those plastic fangs that Muggle kids have and smear some of Dumbledore's secret tomato ketchup stash on my chin? Or is that just sad? Oh, Potter is on the move again. I have to go and sneer at him and Weasley.

Potions with Potter next. Haha, happiness here I come.

Lovely, lovely, lovely. Being horrible to Potter is my favourite hobby, well just after pickling body parts and storing them in jars of course. He keeps looking at me strange, he probably thinks I'm trying to read his mind or something. Now that isn't a bad idea…

Oh great. Dumbledore keeps popping up and asking me really annoying questions.

"Oh Severus, still planning on refereeing the match I HOPE? Are you looking FORWARD to it? I am. I hope you have read up on the RULES of the game, it has been a while since YOU last played.HaHA.Gryffindor against Hufflepuff. Isn't it EXCITING?"

No! It's a piggin' nuisance you old fool. You and your half-moon glasses and manky old beard and stupid way of emphasising words that you think are IMPORTANT.

"Yes Headmaster. I am really looking forward to refereeing the match." Bored voice, maybe he has the idea that I couldn't give two flying pigs arses?

"Good. Hope you are going to play FAIR?"

You said that like I didn't know the meaning of fair. Maybe I don't, I'll go and look it up in a dictionary.

Fair- (fairness)

1. Just, unbiased and reasonable.

2. In agreement with rules.

3. Fair play- a standard of honourable behaviour

4. Fairground- open space used for a fair

I don't think the last one is important. Okay, so I have to be fair and unbiased, following the rules and reasonable. Pah, I don't think so…