Chapter Thirteen: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

Time to play Quidditch.

Watch out Potter, I'm a man on a mission. To squash the Gryffindor Quidditch Team with one fell swoop. Slytherin have won the Quidditch cup for years, I'm not letting a little brat like you ruin it for me.

Stood outside with the Quidditch balls. Sounds very rude. Don't care.

Waiting for the little sprogs to get their arses out here so I can get this over with. Dumbledore has come out to watch as well, I hope he sits beside Quirrel and then he will realise what a bumbling idiot Quirrel is. Then he might be a bit more sympathetic towards me; after all I'm the one who Quirrel follows round, he might even send him to a loony bin. Oh, the students are all coming filling up the stands, I had better put this book away, can't keep writing while I'm dodging Potty Potter on his bucking broomstick.

It's bloody cold out here

Arrggghh! I can't believe I agreed to do this! I must have been out of my exceptionally large brain! Oh great and now they are all trooping out. Stupid weather. Stupid kids. Stupid Dumbledore. Stupid life.

Gryffindor won- again

No matter what I try to do Potter always manages to out smart me. Lucky bugger. And even after one of them Weasley's launched a Bludger at me, awarded Hufflepuff a penalty for it though, it's just a good job that I have amazing flying skills. Unlike Potter. Then I awarded another penalty to Hufflepuff for no real reason, I just felt like it. Then the little shit went straight for me! I didn't know which way to turn! Bludgers being hurled at me from all directions and Potter heading straight for me at about thirty miles an hour. I swear if I ever needed coffee I need it now. Anyway Potter spotted the snitch just before he hit me so he swerved off and caught it, therefore letting Gryffindor win the match. Then after the match Dumbledore went over and CONGRATULATED HIM! Talk about Head teacher's pet! He doesn't come over to me and congratulate me for narrowly missing certain death. Oh no, but he goes and congratulates Potter for doing his job.

"Well done HARRY. Nice to see you haven't been BROODING about…" He was whispering at this point so I missed what he was saying. "…Been keeping busy. EXCELLENT." Creepy old fart. Especially when he does that whole winking thing. Does he think it makes him look cool or something? Yo dude. How about, NO!

Have to go and meet Quirrel. Lucky me.

God. Arranged to meet Quirrel after I've had some coffee to discuss the squid. He's defence against the dark arts teacher so he can sort it out. It's his fault anyway, I'm not too sure how it is his fault yet, but I'm sure I will think of something.

He's late. Bloody typical.

He might not have anything better to do than loiter around in shadowy clearings looking decidedly creepy but I do. Finishing my book for instance, it's a crime novel. Oh, here he comes now. Hurry up and get your arse down here, NOW!

"D-don't know why you wanted t-t-to meet me here of all places S-Severus." Stop stuttering, it distracts me from the matter in hand. Annoying twit.

"I thought we would keep this private." I don't want the WHOLE school knowing the squid's in love with me.

"B-But Severus, I…"

"You don't want me as your enemy Quirrel." Menacing glare, step towards Quirrel, I should take up threatening people as a career. Wait, I already have.

"I-I don't know what you…"

"You know perfectly well what I mean!"

Bloody right you do! Or else something might happen to that Iguana that you don't want to happen to it.

"Come on Quirrel. Do your little bit of hocus pocus. I'm waiting."

And hurry up about it!

"B-But I d-don't…"

"Very well. We will have another chat soon, when you have had chance to think about where your loyalties lie." Icy voice, glare at Quirrel, twirl round and stride out. Note to self: Don't fall over. Ruins the whole effect.

Me or the squid, me or the squid.

It's not a very hard choice. The only reason I need Quirrel's help is because of that bleeding squid. It always manages to ruin everything I have planned, whether it is running McGonagall's life or ruining McGonagall's life.

Easter hols. Fluffy bunnies and chocolate eggs.

Neither of which are going to have anything to do with me. Unless I get an Easter egg of the squid, I seriously hope not. Maybe Dumbledore will let some rabbits out all over the castle like he did last year? Then I can grab some while nobodies looking and make a rabbit stew out of them? Did last year. Everybody blames it on Mrs Norris when a few 'accidentally' go missing. I'm sure Mrs Norris knows it's me though. When Dumbledore goes on a rampage and accuses everyone of nicking his rabbits, she kind of stares at me, as though daring me to own up. Never do. It's her own fault for always looking so suspicious. And I'm great at lying of course. That always helps.