Chapter fourteen: The Moanings of An Overgrown Dungeon Dweller
I can't get to sleep.
I knew reading before bedtime was a bad idea. I have read about half of that crime book that I mentioned before and someone has just been decapitated. Now usually I'm all for decapitation, but did the author really have to go into so much detail? Three people have already been killed off, including the main-character's best friend's sister's dog that I was getting quite attached to. Now I can't sleep, I just keep thinking that the mad axe-man is in my room and is going to kill me or something equally as horrible. I already know that the killer gets killed himself by the main-character's best friend's dog who attacks him after almost being shot because I read the end of the book. What? I do that with all books, and then I can say that I have read them, tell the ending then look really superior. I like ruining the ends of books and films for other people. I plan it so that I can tell them the end of it before they see it or read it. God I'm annoying. I'm also wondering how come so many people end up dying in these crime books. It's like that Muggle programme- Midsomer Murders. People are dropping like flies and no one seems to care, and it's on every week so people must move into the empty houses pretty quickly. I bet they don't know about five people have died there before hand. I need some coffee.
Wandering around, armed with wand and a panI don't know what I was doing arming myself a pan. It's what people in movies do. I'd be better with an ogre, unless the ogre turned round and attacked me of course. At least I have my wand; I can perform some spells with that. Oh good I'm at the staff room, at last. Now I can settle down with some coffee and I might find a non-scary book that one of the other 'teachers' has left behind:
Me and My Pet Iguana called Erwin Part 2- How to teach him tricks
There is no way I am reading that. Ha, I found out a few nights ago from somewhere that there is a film called 'Night of the Iguanas.' Quirrel will be thrilled. How sad are some people?
There's another Mills and Boon novel:
Dance with the Devil
Hmm. Don't let the title fool you; it'll be as soppy and sex-driven as ever. Disgusting stuff.
The Thunderbirds- Past and Present
How sad are some people around here? Thunderbirds! I bet its Dumbledore's. I suppose I will have to force myself to read that Mills and Boon drivel. Still better than the 'Thunderbirds rubbish.'
This is complete mush!
This is absolute twaddle! I'm going to read more to see if it gets any worse. Which it will. I've read the end. I'm going to tell McGonagall what happens just to annoy her, but then she will know I've been reading her books again. You just can't win with her around.
McGonagall is one of the most spiteful and arrogant people I know. Except for myself.
Right, I was just sat in the staff room, merrily minding my own business. Merrily being slightly less bad tempered than usual, and McGonagall comes striding in, throws her self into the chair opposite from me and tells me I need a holiday, one preferably as far away from here as possible. That was just uncalled for, and who says I need a holiday? I bet it was Dumbledore and he sent McGonagall after me instead.
"Severus?" Yes you old bag?
I stare at her with my gorgeous back eyes, which are now full of malice.
"Yes Minerva?" Icy glare. I'm getting better at this.
"I think you need a holiday." Me sat there, trying to stop myself from grabbing the book on Iguanas and throwing it at her.
"A holiday Minerva?" Me? Holidays? Do I look like someone who lies on a beach wearing flowery shorts?
"Yes, myself and the headmaster feel that you have been shut up in the castle too long." I knew it. I knew Dumbledore had something to do with it. I think him and McGonagall have got something going on. That conjured up some pretty awful mental images that are just too horrific to describe.
I need to think of a clever answer for McGonagall. Clever answer, clever answer, can't think of one.
"If I chose to be shut away in the castle then it is up to me." That didn't sound childish.
"When was the last time you went outside and into the greenhouses to look at the flowers?"
The only interest I have in flowers is when they die and begin to rot. Do I look like a flower kind of person to you?
"Never McGonagall, and I intend to keep it that way." McGonagall's doing the whole 'I knew I was right,' smile. I hate that smile. In fact I hate all kinds of smiling except when I'm the one smiling and it is an either smug smile or a super smug smile.
"The headmaster has looked through his records and you have three years of staff leave that you haven't taken yet. I suggest you take a very long holiday while you have the chance."
What? And let all the little children have potions with out me? Never.
"I am perfectly capable of deciding when, where and for how long I wish to have a holiday. If at all. Now please keep your nose in your own business and out of mine." Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Now I have to go and sort out Dumbledore.
Trying to find Dumbledore.
Why is it that whenever you don't want Dumbledore to appear he is always there and when you need to speak to him, he is nowhere to be found? I have traipsed round this castle three times already and I still haven't found him. I bet he is breaking into Gringott's right this minute, knocking goblins out of the way while he sprints for the exit, large sacks of jewels in tow. Then he can come back here and take McGonagall off to the Amazon or something for a few years. Then I can take over Hogwarts as Headmaster Snape and forge a new mighty army of disobedient squirts that will probably sit around doing nothing while trying to think up horrible names for me. Wait… They already do that.
Found him. At last.
Alas, Dumbledore wasn't breaking into any banks so it looks like McGonagall will be with us for some time still. Pity. Anyway, what Dumbledore was doing was talking to the House Elves about arranging a surprise private party for McGonagall because apparently it is her birthday. Dumbledore wouldn't tell me which but I bet she's over sixty. Actually seventy. At least. Maybe eighty. McGonagall doesn't know about the party so I'm going to tell her and ruin it for her. I'm in Dumbledore's office at the moment waiting for him to come back.
"Ahhhh Severus." And he's starting already with the ahhhing.
"What can I DO for YOU?" I don't know. Stop talking in that stupid way. Stop emphasizing things. Stop leering at me like the stupid leering thing you are. Stop twinkling your eyes at me; it's very off putting. Stop saying ahhhhh.
"I was just talking to Minerva in the staff room, Headmaster and she tells me that you think I need a holiday."
"Well Severus. When WAS the last time you ACTUALLY went OUTSIDE?" I don't know. Last year, last decade, last millennium? I don't know!
"I stuck my head out of the window last week to shout at some students." He didn't look too impressed with that.
"Ahhh well, light is one of the KEY factors to human SURVIVAL Severus."
And? Do I look human to you?
"Headmaster. I have survived without direct sunlight for many years. I'm not going on holiday!"
"YES you ARE Severus."
"I am not headmaster."
"I think it would BENEFICIAL if you considered…"
"I AM NOT!"
"It was ONLY a suggestion Severus."
Ha. That sorted him out.
"Oh and please don't tell Minerva about her party."
Darn it.
Back in staff room. Super smug smile in place.
"Did you speak to the Headmaster then Severus?" What? How did McGonagall know? I'd bet anything she was spying through the keyhole.
"Yes Minerva, and the headmaster and I decided that I do not, in fact, need a holiday." Was that a snort? Who snorted? Ah. Poppy the Popsicle. I knew you never liked me. Why don't you go back to your hospital and leave me alone?
"And I presumed you sorted it out like responsible adults?" No.
"Of course Minerva. Just like we normally sort things out." She's giving me evils now. Serves her right. I should tell her about her party. But then she would go running to Dumbledore and I'd be packed off to some holiday resort somewhere quicker than you could say 'teacher favouritism.'
Exams are only eight weeks away.
How I love exams, piling on more homework, working the little squirts until they fell like dropping dead, continuously annoying them throughout the exam then telling them their pitiful results and smiling with malice as they look disappointed. McGonagall's party is tomorrow too. I have got a present. Dumbledore insisted on it. He called me to his office and said.
"Ahhhh Severus. I know you are PLANNING on coming to the PARTY. But you really must get Minerva a PRESENT." Right. He didn't specify what kind of present though. Hahaha.
I've just been summoned to Dumbledore's office again. Wait a minute.
"Ahhh Severus." Can't he get a new opening for the sentences? Ahhh Severus doesn't really make you think of exciting conversations. And it really gets on my nerves.
"I just want to CLEAR something up. You MAY have misunderstood me while talking about MINERVA'S present. I HOPE you weren't thinking of getting a, let's say, NOVELTY present. Were you? Because I know YOU and Minerva don't really SEE eye to eye. Ha ha." Damn. Dumbledore knows me too well. I bet he can read minds.
So know I have to order something else and get it for her. I could always not go to the party. But there is going to be alcohol there and I am never one to miss a chance for free booze. I'm going to order her a book, something reassuringly mushy and romantic. Yuck. I have to get her a card to. Bummer.
McGonagall's party in two hours.
I have a new black cloak on, McGonagall's present and card and I don't think there is anything else. Let's go.
Dumbledore has put a sound charm around the room so none of the students will be able to hear us. I think Filch is patrolling the corridors with that mangey cat of his.
Some people are so insulting! I came through the door and Poppy the Popsicle was stood there with Sprout. Poppy took one look at me bent toward Sprout and said:
"I never knew it was fancy dress."
Quite obviously and quite loud. Sprout started chuckling and then they both drifted off toward the buffet table. Fancy dress! I have never been so insulted in all my life! Well, maybe a few times, but fancy dress! It is something being called an overgrown bat, but something completely different your outfit being called fancy dress. I wear this style every day. Do I always look like I'm in fancy dress? Or am I reading too much into this? I need a drink.
Oh no. Quirrel is making a beeline straight for me. Head for the drinks table Severus. Ha. Got away from him and have found a large glass of Whisky. Mmmm. Heaven.
"ENJOYING yourself Severus?" Well I was until you turned up.
"Yes Headmaster. Where is Minerva? I have her birthday present." Well the wrapping paper was a bit torn by now but tough. It's Quirrel's fault.
"Ahhh. She will be ALONG in a MINUTE. We are going SURPRISE her." Or give her a heart attack.
Hagrid just came rushing in and told us that she is coming along with Trelawney right this minute. Dumbledore turned off the candles with a flick of his wand and we all waited for her to arrive. We all screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY (all apart from me that is) as she walked in. I swear she nearly did have a heart attack, grabbing her throat and trying to breathe properly. Then she went up and started hugging everyone. Pointedly missing me out which I was very glad about. Then we all started to give her presents. I went up, held out the present and card, waiting politely until she had unwrapped them then went back to the drinks table. I swear she smiled at me as she unwrapped her present. Well, near enough a smile anyway. I need another Whisky.
Morning after. Feel terrible.
Can't remember most of it. Still sat in bed trying to see around me. Got a splitting headache. I hope McGonagall has got a worse one than me. She had at least twice as much as me to drink. What the hell is Quirrel doing lying on my couch? I'm going to get out of here while I have the chance.
In the staff room. Trying to piece together what happened last night.
We have all got splitting headaches and are all talking in whispers. Apparently Quirrel lost his key and so asked if he could sleep in my room on the couch. Me being half drunk at the time agreed and so that's why he was still there this morning. McGonagall was reading the book I gave her this morning. I am honoured. Kind of.
It's a good job it's a Saturday. That means that I can just relax and get rid of my headache all today.
Ha! That stupid Weasley has gone and got bitten!
Apparently his hand is all swollen and green. Serves him right for being a Weasley. Stupid boy. Maybe I could bribe Poppy the Popsicle into not curing him for a while. And Gryffindor is one hundred and fifty points down from last night. That means Slytherin are in the lead. Go us, go us. What do I mean 'go us?' Go me, go me.