Chapter fifteen: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

Sat writing the potions exam.

Currently looking through the textbook for the potion that has the least information about it. Or nothing at all. Keep them on their toes. Amuse me. Preparation for next year. They need it. I'm going into Hogsmeade in ten minutes to get some new shoes. New shoes are always the squeakiest and it really annoys people when you wear squeaky shoes. I'm going to attach metal bits to the toes so they squeak AND tap at the same time. Man I'm evil.

That was just scary.

And I can't say that about many things. Except myself of course. I have just been chased the full length of the Great Lake by the Giant bloody Squid, and I now know what they mean by 'Giant.' I never took any notice of it before now, but it is hard to ignore a fifty-foot object hurtling towards you from the middle of a lake while baying for your blood. I think it wanted to know why I hadn't replied to its numerous requests for a date. Well I ended up sprinting the whole length of the lake before escaping onto Hogwart's drive. Hopefully none of the students saw me, but now I have an enraged Squid to avoid for the next fifty years. I think I will need to have another 'talk' with Quirrel. Or more precisely another threatening session with Quirrel. While being chased by the squid I managed to get soaking wet and covered in mud from much slipping and sliding. Now I think about it, why didn't I just run away from the lake? It's not like the Squid could jump out and run after me on its many tentacles. God I'm stupid. What am I saying? I'm brilliant! Going into Hogsmeade now, to get them shoes and a large Firewhisky from the Hogs Head.

In the Hogs Head.

There are some VERY creepy people in here, I fit right in. Got a double Firewhisky and I am going to take my time drinking it. And if McGonagall asks why I've been out for so long I've got the perfect answer. Back at school. And only an isty bit tipsy. Isn't it amazing that five double Firewhisky's later and I can still manage to walk in quite a straight line back up to the castle, run the length of the Lake again then write about it all? I have banned myself from any singing but I am still going to go and scare the hell out of McGonagall.

Love struck,

I've fallen for a lamppost

Giving it me utmost,

Spilling out my deepest feelings.

And all I want to do,

Is snuggle up to you,

A nightcap in the early morning dewwww!

I said banned from singing. Not banned from writing down what I would sing IF I were allowed to sing.

I am so great.

Walked into the staff room then scared the hell out of McGonagall, Dumbledore and Poppy Popsicle. I stood at the door, reached in, took out all the candles with a flick of my wand and went:

"BOO!"

Really loudly. It was hilarious. Popsicle went:

"Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!"

McGonagall went:

"Albus! Do something Albus."

And Dumbledore (the old fart) went:

"HahaHA. Ahhhh Severus. How NICE of you to JOIN us."

And he did the light bulb trick that makes his eyes glow. Does nothing escape the attention of that eccentric mad pensioner?

"Severus! What the hell do you think you are doing?" McGonagall had a go at me. She was doing the whole chicken arse thing again. Dumbledore relit all the candles and I was revealed, in all my glory, laughing my very gorgeous head off.

"Severus!" She's going to break the windows if her voice goes any higher. Jeez. It's like listening to a squeaky record that says "Severus!" over and over again.

"What are you doing?"

Ha. I'd already prepared for that question.

"Taking your advice McGonagall. Enjoying myself."

You told me to.

"But you missed an entire afternoon of teaching!"

"Did I really? Damn it. Did the adolescent little brats miss me?" I could almost see the smoke coming out of her ears.

"I know I said you need a holiday, but having an afternoon off without telling anyone then coming back to the castle completely drunk is unacceptable."

"No McGonagall. If I was completely drunk I might find you the slightest bit attractive, but seen as I still think you are the ugliest, wrinkliest oldest bag I have ever set eyes on, I don't think I am drunk enough. Good Night!"

And with that I left her to gasp and do hen's arses impressions as much as she wanted. I'm going to be in for it in the morning.

Next morning.

I have just read what I said to McGonagall last night. She is going to absolutely kill me. I'm too gorgeous to die! What's the good of having a great brain if you can't use it to sort out a little problem like McGonagall?

Okay. Got a plan.

Here it is:

1. Avoid McGonagall at ALL costs

It took me a long time to work that out.

She's like a magnet.

No matter where I go, she is always around the next corner, waiting for me. I have managed to avoid me so far but it is only 9:30 in the morning and I am a quivering wreck already. If I'm not careful I'll end up like Quirrel. Scrap that. Nobody could ever be as bad a Quirrel. Tum tee tum. First exam for the brats today. It's History with Binns. What's the deal with him anyway? Just got up one day and left his body behind? What kind of person does that? A dead one obviously but come on. Dumbledore has asked me to supervise the exam with McGonagall and Binns. Just putting on my new shoes, I've attached the metal bits and so they should work perfectly.

Squeak, tap, squeak, tap, squeak.

Ha! Great! And McGonagall or any of the students can't do anything about it during an exam. McGonagall still hasn't forgiven me for slagging her off in front of 'Albus!' I've tried the whole "It's wasn't my fault, I was drunk," thing but she didn't fall for it. Properly because she knows what I said is true. I need to get some coffee before the exam starts.

Students are coming in now.

In the main hall, watching for Potter so I can have a go at him.

"Potter! Stop talking!"

"But sir, he wasn't talking."

"You are talking Miss Granger. And if you are not careful I will take another fifty points from Gryffindor AND make sure that ALL of your test papers are ripped up."

That'll teach her to stick up for Potter. I bet they've got something going on.

Great. I've got an hour of just sitting here and doing nothing. Time to do some patrolling I think.

Squeak, tap, squeak, tap and squeak.

It's already annoying them, I can see McGonagall sat in the corner raising her eyebrows at me but I will pretend I haven't seen her.

Arrrggghhh!

I've never been so embarrassed before in my life. Luckily I am so pail that I am immune to blushing.

I was just merrily squeaking and tapping my way round the hall when I managed to slip, falling right on my arse next to Neville Longbottom's desk. McGonagall came sweeping up and said:

"Severus. What are you doing?"

"Looking for my pen. I seem to have dropped it."

"We don't use pens. We use quills." Snotty cow. I might use a pen seen as quills are old fashioned things that went out in the sixties.

"Fleabag." Not too loud. So she can only just hear me and I can pretend I said something completely different.

"Pardon?"

"Nothing Miss McGonagall." Emphasis on Miss. Ha. You aren't married yet are you, you old bag. You'll never get a bloke, human or otherwise. Unless Dumbledore marries you of course, which I seriously doubt he will.

So now I have to satisfy myself by tapping my shoe against the metal leg or the chair I am sitting on, seen as I don't trust the floor anymore. Oh great McGonagall is coming over again.

"Severus. Will you please take off your shoes? They are distracting the students."

So now I have to take my shoes off. Which is stupid because then I won't be able to annoy people. Oh well. I'm not going to do anything else to enrage McGonagall.

I'll have to work out another way to get on the nerves of the students.

Got it.

Prowl around the students, then look over their shoulder while blocking out the light and tut and sigh at them to make them thing they have done something wrong. Which they will have. I have already determined the results for their tests. Nobody will get higher than a C unless McGonagall sticks her nose in.

Finally!

Freedom. The exam has finished at last. And I can put on my shoes again. I'm going to go and get some more coffee from the staff room.

Oh great. Dumbledore and McGonagall are in there, sat laughing. I'm going in anyway.

I walked in. Looked at them. Said:

"Hmm."

And walked out again.

Damn. I forgot my coffee. Guess I'll have to go back in.