Ha.
Potter's got a detention tonight, trawling around the Forbidden Forest with that oaf Hagrid trying to find a dead unicorn or something like that. I hope Potter gets eaten.
Huh.
No such luck.
Dumbledore's running down the corridor straight at me.
I'm going to stand in the way. Not on purpose of course.
"Ahhh Severus! I HAVE to get SOMEWHERE. Please will you mind getting OUT of my WAY?" Erm… No.
"I was just speculating on how many points Slytherin have this year, Headmaster. And how few Gryffindor have." Ha. Smug smile, smug laugh, smug eyebrows. Go me, go me.
"Why are you in such a rush Headmaster?" And yes, I am being a nosy bugger because I have nothing else to do.
"I have just received a LETTER, Severus. I am wanted in LONDON, IMMEDIATELY." Yes. He's going! For who knows how long. Oh yeah! And run of the school passes, to….
"Minerva will be RUNNING the school while I am AWAY."
MINERVA! What stupid idiot would choose her over me! Dumbledore. Oh, good point.
"I must be GOING Severus!" Go on, get out of here. I hope your broom crashes half way there and you end up in Liverpool. It'll serve you right. At least Slytherin are going to win the cup again. Go me, go me!
I've got to go and mark some test papers, and then add them to the notes I made in class. I love ruining people's lives. But first, I think I will give McGonagall a nice surprise to welcome her into being the supply headmaster.
That was pricelessHa! That was great! I just set Fang loose on Mrs Norris; they are at this minute completely trashing the entire castle and if we are very lucky, Mrs Norris might get eaten then Fang will choke.
And animals can't turn you in. McGonagall will never know it was me. Okay, I know I have said that A LOT over the past year but this cannot be blamed on me. I only opened Hagrid's shed (sorry, home) door and Fang came bounding out. I ran up to the school and to Filch's office where Mrs Norris was enjoying a nice rat sandwich. Nobody saw me, Potter and his sidekicks have disappeared, which means they are causing trouble, but I am having too much fun to punish them at the minute. But I will later on.
Excuse me a minute, I have to go and paint the suits of armour funny colours.
I haven't had this much fun since….
Actually, I've never had this much fun. The suits of armour put up quite a bit of resistance… until I told them it was what McGonagall ordered, then they complied to being painted bright green, yellow and pink. The only problem is that the suits of armour can talk. But who's going to believe a suit of armour? Dumbledore probably. Malfoy is walking down the corridor. Hmm.
"Why aren't you in class?" It must be nice to have bodyguards. I might order myself some.
"Sir! Sir! Potter, Granger and Weasley weren't in class!" He has to spoil my fun doesn't he? Now I have to go and look for them, which I don't want to do.
"Professor Snape!" On other hand, between looking for Potter and facing McGonagall I'd rather look for Potter.
"Excuse me Professor McGonagall I have to go and look for Potter because he has been skipping classes." Well it seems Potter is good for one thing- getting me out of impossible situations with McGonagall.
I can't be bothered trailing around this castle looking for Potter for another second.
I wonder if he has a secret werewolf friend like Potter senior did. I can't really see Weasley turning into Sirius Black, but Hermione does look remarkably like Lupin. And Potter's senior and junior are of course identical to the last piece of messy, scruffy, untidy, hair. It would be nice to find Potter doing something unmistakably terrible so that Dumbledore has to expel him and then I could take all the credit for it.
Oh great, McGonagall is power-walking down the corridor. I am very good at power-walking, it is when you walk twice as fast as usual and look like something is really annoying you. It makes people stay out of your way. I think I will just step into this classroom, I wouldn't want to get in McGonagall's way as something/one is obviously infuriating her.
"Severus!" Crap. There is never any winning. Only losing. I'm a loser. There. I've said it. So why don't I feel any better? I'm meant to feel better! Something about releasing inner demons. Rubbish! I hate councillors. I'm not going to change; I'm going to be just as infuriating as normal! More if I can manage it! And if you want someone to blame, blame the councillors! And McGonagall! For aggravating my condition!
"Yes Minerva?" She doesn't look happy.
"Do you know anything about the suits of armour being painted different colours?"
"It was Peeves." Well, he doesn't serve any other purpose; he might as well take the responsibility for my activities. He doesn't mind.
"Well the suits of armour are all saying that it was you and I happen to believe them." You would.
"I have to go and look for Potter." Bye!
"I'm sure Mr Potter can look after himself, especially as he will probably have Miss Granger with him." No, he can't look after himself and Granger will probably get him in more trouble than he is already in!
"Why are you trying to sabotage my short time as Headmistress?" And thank god it is short, or I would change careers.
In Dumbledore's office.
I seem to be in here way too much. I feel like a school kid waiting to see what punishment the old fart was going to give to me. Well now the old fart has morphed into McGonagall (some things never change) and I'm more scared now than I was when I got caught out bed back then. It's a long story- something to do with Potter, he challenged me to a midnight duel but I got caught before I reached the trophy room. But then I told on Potter and they got caught as well. I still got punished but so did they. I would have won the duel though, so I think they got off lightly.
It's really hot today.
I hate hot weather. Exams have finished so I can put away my shoes for another year. The Weasley twins and that Lee Jordan are near the lake; I think they are tickling the Giant Squids tentacles! Why doesn't it eat them? It tried to disembowel me; the least it should do is try to nibble their fingers off or something. Hmm. I've spotted Potter, he is sprinting towards Hagrid's. He's up to something; I'm going to spy on him.
He's trying to find Dumbledore's office.
Why? Ha, Dumbledore's not here. You're shoved now, aren't you? Great, McGonagall is coming down the corridor and has stopped.
"What are you three doing inside?" It's brilliant watching McGonagall shout at someone other than me. She's doing the whole nostril-flaring thing. They're in for it now.
"We are looking for Professor Dumbledore." Granger. It's the first time she's actually spoken a little bit rudely to a teacher. If she had spoken to me like that she would already be on her way home. Okay, so maybe it wasn't that rude but that's not the point, it's the principle of the thing.
"Professor Dumbledore left ten minutes ago. He received an urgent owl form the Ministry of Magic and left for London." They look grief stricken; it's only Dumbledore, who cares?
"He's gone! Now?" Yes now! Hahahaha! Gone, gone, GONE! Him with his stupid way of talking and twinkling eyes has GONE! And even though he will undoubtedly come back, I plan to have this castle completely wrecked before that unhappy event takes place.
"Professor Dumbledore is a very great wizard, Potter, he has many demands on his time." A very great wizard? Who are you trying to kid? He's an old wizard with a long nose and long beard, but that does not make him great. If anything I am a great wizard, or rather a brilliant potion maker.
"But this is important." Did Granger get less than an A on an exam paper? Tough. No one cares.
"Something you have to say is more important than the Ministry of Magic?" Good point McGonagall, the Ministry of Magic is more important than Potter, but then again, a flea is more important than Potter so that's not really saying much.
"Look, Professor, it's about the Philosopher's Stone." Ha! He's gone and done it now! McGonagall's even dropped all the books she was carrying. This is expulsion for certain. I knew he was up to something and now he has admitted to it. Sneaking around, sticking his nose in where it isn't wanted. Just like his father.
"How do you know?" Who cares HOW he knows, just lock him in shackles and call some house elves to bring down his rubbish from his room.
"Professor, I think- I know- that Sn- that someone is trying to steal it! I have to talk to Professor Dumbledore!" That who is trying to steal it? Was he going to say Snape? That cheeky little bag of unimportant goo! What does he think this is? Thieves anonymous? Bandits 'R' Us? And if I WAS going to nick the Stone, I would certainly make sure YOU got the blame for it. Not me. I'm not stupid Potter, unlike you and your father.
"I assure you that the Stone is safe. Now go outside and enjoy the sunshine." McGonagall is walking off now. I think they are talking about me. I'm going to suddenly appear, I do it so well.
They are talking about me. Look:
"Snape's going through the trapdoor tonight. He's found out everything he needs and now he's got Dumbledore out of the way. He sent that note; I bet the Ministry of Magic will get a real shock when Dumbledore turns up." What an imagination Potter has. Sending fake letters to Dumbledore to get him out of the way for a few days. Now why couldn't I have thought of that? He won't fall for it again. I'm going to do my appearing act now.
"Good afternoon." I'm a smooooth criminal. Now they are staring at me.
"You shouldn't be inside on a day like this." Smooth smile, don't cough it'll ruin the effect. Well the smile came out a little twisted because of the near cough, but oh well. They look as scared as they would if it were a proper smirk.
"We were…" Don't even THINK of trying to get out of this one Potter. You think I'm trying to steal stuff; I'm going to make you PAY! Muhahahaha.
"You want to be more careful. Hanging around like this, people will think you are up to something. And Gryffindor really can't afford to lose any more points, can they?" I've wanting to say that to him for ages. I would do a jig if Potter wasn't stood in front of me. I'll do one tonight in my classroom. Awwww. Potter's blushing. Isn't it cute? No. It's nauseating. It's horrible. It's stomach- churning.
"Be warned. Any more night – time wanderings and I shall personally make sure you are expelled. Good day to you." Twirl round, billowing cloak, sneer firmly in place, stride off towards staff room, no, other way. I always manage to ruin my big exits.
In staff room.
I came in humming the can-can and Flitwick nearly fell off his seat in surprise. He could have done himself a serious injury if he had fallen. Why didn't he fall? I could have done with a laugh. Popsicle asked why I was so happy. I said I'm not happy; I'm merely less moody than usual. She sniffed. I'm going to go and mark some test papers. Ooo, Granger is outside the staff room door. I bet she is keeping an eye on me. I'll go and scare her.
"Want do you want Granger?"
"I'm waiting for Professor Flitwick, Sir!" Just wait a few years for him to get off his seat and he'll be right with you. She's gone. I went and got Flitwick, but she has disappeared. Flitwick will have to climb off his seat for no reason, maybe I should tell him not to bother because she's gone? Nah.