He's back.
Apparently the letter was a fake and though McGonagall hasn't suggested that it was me yet, she will do. Sooner or later. Then Dumbledore will send for me. But he won't do yet because I have heard that something is going on down on the third corridor with the Philosophers Stone. I knew Potter was up to something and this is it, he is in for it now. The suits of armour have all been changed back to their original colours by the way; McGonagall couldn't find enough evidence to pin the blame on me. Not that she didn't try, getting the house elves to look through all my robes trying to find splodges of paint on them, but I'm not that stupid. I burnt the ones I was wearing. She will never know it was me and I intend to keep it that way. It's nearly the summer holidays too, no spotty kids for seven whole weeks. I'm ecstatic with excitement. Yay.
Guilty before proven innocent
McGonagall has related her 'harrowing' ordeal to Dumbledore and I am going to get the sack, I might get sent to Azkaban. Or given a medal for annoying McGonagall. Speaking of Azkaban, I was wondering if I would survive long in there. It's not the Dementors that scare me, they can go and swizzle on a lamppost, it is the fact of having no coffee for however many years might drive me a bit more insane than I am now. Why don't the Dementors scare me? Because I have no happy thoughts that they can suck out of me, when they enter a room with me in it I simply feel a slight drop in temperature. It annoys them terrible. I know they have no faces, not that I know of anyway, but they kind of bunch their cloak around them, like I do when I am being threatening. A student once suggested to me that I should take up being a Dementor as a career, I took it is as a compliment then, but now looking at it written down I fear it may have been meant as an insult. I hate kids.
Potter has gone Potty.
More potty than he was before of course. He has woken up from his sleep and is now raving about Quirrel legging it with the stone and having Voldemort hiding in the back of his head. I knew there was something dodgy about him. It wasn't garlic to ward off vampires; it was Voldemort's dinner. Do I look stupid to you? Don't answer that.
Not got the sack Dumbledore made me apologise. "Now Severus. I know YOU probably did not MEAN to cause TROUBLE for Minerva, but I think you went a LITTLE too FAR. Minerva will forgive you IF you APOLOGISE." I don't think so.
"I'm very sorry Minerva, that I dared to have a little bit of fun while Albus was away and I hope I did not offend you by doing… What was it I did again?" Well by this time McGonagall was fuming, which is five points to me and Dumbledore's twinkling eyes had buggered up too (i.e. he finally stopped doing it), ten points to me. I should go down in history, the first man to make Dumbledore shut up and stop twinkling his eyes.
"Ahhhhh. I think you KNOW what you have been DOING while I was AWAY Severus." Yes, I know I know but I'm not going to admit to knowing, now am I?
"I'm afraid I don't Headmaster."
"I have proof that Severus was the one that painted the suits of armour Albus!"
McGonagall did that shrill voice that only she can manage, then yanked the door open and dragged a suit of armour in that was a shade of very violent pink. I couldn't help but laugh.
"Did this man cover you in paint?"
"Clang!" A look of triumph plastered itself over McGonagall's wrinkly face. She looked like an elephant with a mudpack on.
"See Headmaster! Proof!"
"All it said was 'Clang!' This is not proof, this is a barmy old suit of armour blaming me."
"And WHY would he try to blame YOU?"
Why do you think?
"It doesn't like me. Never has."
"Clang!" Me now desperately making threatening gestures at the suit of armour trying to make it shut up.
"Why don't we just PUT all this silly BUSINESS behind us?"
How about no?
"She started it."
"Did not."
"Did too."
"Didn't."
"Did."
"Please Minerva…"
"Didn't."
"Did."
"Severus, please…"
"Didn't."
"Did."
"Didn't."
"Stop!"
"Did."
"This is very CHILDISH behaviour and if you cannot sort this OUT like adults I shall sort it out MY way."
"Didn't."
The suit of armour clanged off and Dumbledore told me to go and have a cup of tea while he spoke to McGonagall. I told him…
"I don't drink tea."
"Pumpkin juice then."
"I don't drink Pumpkin juice either."
"Firewhisky?" McGonagall butted in. Shut up McGonagall.
"Who asked you?"
"Nobody, but seen as you sit there swigging it at dinner..."
"I do not!"
"Do."
"Don't times infinity." I win.
"What DO you drink at dinner?"
"Coffee." Did McGonagall just snort? At ME?
Not fair.
So I am now sat in the staff room- all alone because everyone else is either teaching or playing hopscotch outside. Only joking. Or am I? Have had to make a cappuccino because there is no normal coffee left. I don't like it that much; it's a bit too sweet. It's the leaving feast tomorrow, actually thinking about it we have a feast everyday so what's different about tomorrow? Except of course Dumbledore doing his stupid speech which as an ending that no one can understand. I'm sure nobody wants to listen to Dumbledore; they would rather eat the food. Well I would, I'd rather talk to a tree than listen to Dumbledore droning on for half an hour about nothing in particular, just rubbish. Once he talked for one and a half hours about lemon sherbets. He's a sad old fart isn't he.
Been called back to Dumbledore's office.
Apparently McGonagall will call quits if I say sorry. So I said it.
"Sorry."
"Say sorry properly." How can you say sorry properly?
"Sorry properly." Heh, heh, heh. I love being annoying.
"Albus!"
"Severus."
"Albus."
"Severus."
"Minerva."
"Severus!"
"Albus."
"Severus!"
"Minerva."
"STOP IT!"
"You are going to pop a blood vessel if you carry on like this. Maybe she should take some time off Headmaster?"
"I DO NOT NEED TIME OFF!"
"Headmaster, she is obviously distressed."
"I think that maybe Severus is right Minerva." I know I'm right, you can think all you want. Triumphant smirk, triumphant stance, triumphant walk, triumphant slamming of office door. Go me.
In bed, triumphantly reading a bookTriumphantly turning a page, triumphantly sipping coffee, triumphantly adjusting pillow. Triumphantly doing everything.
Last day!
Just been at a staff meeting. Dumbledore told us that Quirrel is indeed dead. You could tell none of us were bothered. I was too interested in my coffee, McGonagall was giving me evil looks, Flitwick was trying to climb onto his seat and Popsicle was doing her hair. Dumbledore looked a bit miffed that we didn't care more. At least the smell of garlic won't linger around the castle anymore.
In the great hall, waiting for the last few stranglers to get their arses into gear and down to their seats.
Just asked Dumbledore what we are waiting for and he says Potter. I thought he was boarded up in the lunatic asylum, sorry hospital wing but apparently he insisted on coming down. Here he is now. And the hall has gone completely silent. Shall I cough just to annoy people? "Another year gone!" Too late, Dumbledore has started his speech. "And I must trouble you with an old man's wheezing waffle before we begin…" Must you really? You say the same thing every year; it's getting really boring now. Actually it got boring the first time you said it thirty years ago. "…As I understand it the House Cup needs awarding and the points stand thus. Gryffindor in fourth place, Hufflepuff in third, Ravenclaw in second and in first place Slytherin." Yay! Go Slytherin!
"Well done Slytherin, but recent events must be taken into account." He's not going to do what I think he is going to do. Is he?
"First- to Mr Ronald Weasley- for the best played game of chess Hogwarts has ever seen. I award Gryffindor house fifty points." WHAT! You can't go handing out points for playing chess well! I HATE CHESS!
"Second- to Miss Hermione Granger- for the use of cool logic in the face of fire. I award Gryffindor house fifty points." My fire! She should have been burned! I should have poisoned her when I had the chance! What's cool logic when it's at home anyway? Fifty points! I HATE LOGIC!
"Third- to Mr Harry Potter- for pure nerve and outstanding courage. I award Gryffindor house sixty points." ARRRGGGHHH! Nerve and courage! A Potter? I HATE COURAGE! Don't you dare smirk at me McGonagall; I'm a man on the edge!
"There are all kinds of courage, it takes a great deal to stand up to our enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to our friends. I therefore award ten points to Mr Neville Longbottom." HIM! COURAGE! Of all the sickening things I have seen, this one will stay with me forever. McGonagall sat there smirking, the Gryffindors jumping up and down, the Slytherins all staring into their goblets of Pumpkin juice. And me. Sat there while coffee slows drips off the table and all over my shoes. A Cornish pasty goes flying through the air and smacks Malfoy on the side of his hair. At least I still have a good shot. I'm going to dye Dumbledore's beard blue for next year. I HATE HOGWARTS.
They've left.
Good riddance.