He tuned the radio to one of those oldies stations, hoping the music would help to settle his frayed nerves. He knew it wasn't just being exhausted from working hours without sleep or even a decent meal. This was more than that.
Rarely did a case feel personal. Rarely did it get under his skin and refuse to be left behind when he left work. But this one wouldn't leave him alone. There was something in him that felt sorry for that poor kid. Felt bad for the way that he was neglected by his own family. It made him think about to an early case when he was in SWAT. A 17 year old kid had snapped and walked into a corner grocery with a pair of guns and held the owners hostage for five and a half hours before they convinced him to surrender. He had watched as the hostage negotiator deduced the boy's motivation. He was the middle of five kids. He wasn't the oldest or the youngest, the smart one, the dumb one, the athlete, the good one or the bad one. He wasn't anything that stood out. He was the forgotten one. Years of feeling neglected and he figured this was the way to get someone, anyone, to notice him. Neglect, he had learned, was just as abusive as knocking your kid around.
He pulled into the garage and quietly let himself in. It was almost midnight and Haley was likely fast asleep. As he tiptoed into the bedroom, he could hear Adam squirming in his crib. He quickly scooped up the baby, hoping to silence any crying before it woke Haley up. She rarely got a break from the baby with him running off all the time, gone sometimes for days, handling cases. It just made it worse that she never complained. She always talked about being proud of him for solving the case, not about how she didn't like him being gone all the time. And the worst part is that it was genuine. She wasn't putting up a front. She wasn't lying to make him feel better. She meant it, she was proud of him.
"All dry now." He whispered as he fastened the clean diaper and resnapped Adam's pajamas. "You are getting big." It seemed like only yesterday he was picking up his newborn son, shocked at how small he was. The doctors had assured them that despite being two weeks early, Adam was perfectly healthy and he'd catch up quickly.
Sitting in the old rocking chair his mother had given them, he lost all track of time. One moment he was softly rocking Adam back to sleep, the next he heard Haley stirring. The sky outside the window was the hazy gray of early morning.
"When did you get back?"
"Late last night. You were asleep."
She looked at his rumpled clothes. "I can take him. You have enough time to get a bit of real sleep."
"I'm fine. I'd rather just sit here."
"What happened?"
"Nothing. I just hardly spend any time with Adam. I'm never here. I just want to enjoy what time I have before he hates me." The words popped out before he even realized he was thinking them.
"Adam is not going to hate you." Haley curled up on the end of the bed.
"Sure he will. I'll always be gone on this or that case. Never at parent-teacher night, never at his Little League games. Never there to tuck him into bed and check the closet for monsters."
"You'll be out catching the monsters. And he'll love you for it."
"You say that, but you don't know." He shook his head. "The probability"
"Don't. I might not know that he won't hate you, but you don't know that he will. I knew when I married you that this was what I was getting and I meant it when I swore to you that it didn't bother me. I love you and even though I'm scared to death that you might get hurt, I am still so proud of you. And I promise you, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure Adam is proud of you too."
"What if it's not enough?"
"What if, what if. What if you stop tying yourself in knots over things that are years away?" Haley laughed softly. "Right now, the only what if I want you to think about is what if you get your shower and I make us breakfast. And what if we just take it one day at a time."