Yes! I am updating! Finally! Okay enough ranting, I really have nothing to say, I just need to finish this up quick and get onto working on my FullMetal Alchemist fictions. And I actually might not be quitting TP after all. Like, the updates will be greatly delayed 'cause I won't be directing too much attention over here but the plot bunnies just keep coming! So… whatever! On with the stupidity!
Disclaimer: Numair and all these other characters belong to the almighty Tamora Pierce, I just chose to warp and twist them to my liking.
Adventures in Numair Salmalin's Workshop
By: KatYoukai
Chapter 5: New Year's Resolutions
Once upon a time in a far away land called Tortall, there once lived a great mage by the name of Numair Salmalin. Now Tortall existed in the middle ages in an alternate world so our traditions and Tortallan traditions differ greatly. However, the author decided to ignore these facts and went ahead to write a New Year's fic anyways.
So anyways, one day Numair decided that he should make a New Year's resolution; mostly because he had been… well less than well-behaved in the past year – seeing as he did turn a few people into vegetables, turned the king into a puddle of neon yellow goo and did I mention turned Scanra into a crater? So where was I? Ah yes, our favourite Black Robe Mage was sitting at his desk thinking hard. He thought and he thought. Then he thought some more. He thought as hard as his little brain would allow and effectively killed more than half of his brain cells (and he didn't have that many to begin with!). Finally… he gave up and decided to grab a bite to eat.
Obeying his tummy's rumbling demands, Numair headed to the kitchens in search of something to satisfy his hunger. To his surprise, the kitchens were empty. Actually it wasn't that much of a surprise since half the palace's inhabitants had up and panicked and fled when the realm started to turn into a mountain. Pfffft, no guts at all.
'Well,´ Numair thought, 'It can't be that hard to cook can it?' He couldn't have been more wrong.
KkKkKkKkKkKkKKkKkKKkKKkKKKkkKKKkkkkKKKkkkKKK
A few hours later, Raoul of Goldenlake and something the author forgot because she hasn't read Protector of the Small in too long came strolling down the hall whistling to himself. Raoul is an idiot as we all know – everything in the books is just a lie, I'm telling you it was his stunt double - and didn't find it strange in the least that the realm had suddenly become a mountain.
Anyhow, he too was starting to get hungry and had decided to go the kitchens to find a something to eat. As he neared said kitchens, he caught a whiff of something burning.
He peeked in through the door and I swear his jaw almost dislocated itself. The entire kitchen was black with blobs of what looked like purple puke splattered all over the walls with a very burnt Numair standing in the center blinking at the pot that had just exploded on him.
Needless to say, much violence, yelling and flying food ensued. The two "men" were found by Jon and Alanna later that day still flinging goop at one another.
Alanna: -twitch twitch- WHAT are you two doing?
Numair: -blinks- I'm cooking.
Jon: I'd sooner believe you were molesting a Spidren (o.o wtf?). Even Alanna's a better cook than you.
Alanna: EXCUSE ME?
More violence, cursing and food fights followed there after.
But some good did come out of it all in the end. The group had come up with their New Year's Resolutions! Hmm, so now let's take a peek into their diaries to find out what their resolutions were shall we? Yes! They all have diaries! Shocked? Hah and if that didn't permanently scar you, maybe this will!
Dear Diary,
I can't believe that jerk! Hah I can't cook huh? Well I'll show him! This year, I'm going to quit being a knight and become a palace cook instead! Surprised? Don't be! Scanra's a crater, Tortall's a mountain, everybody's up and ditched and I know Jon can't afford to turn me down if I do want to become a cook cause there's no one else! And I damn well know HE can't very well cook either. Then, then I'll drug his food and when he falls unconscious I'll kidnap him and give him over to that gay Taurus I met the other day. That'll teach him! Muahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhaha…
About ten or so pages later… and then he'll regret EVER insulting the great Lioness!
Much Love, Alanna
Yes! This is the real Alanna! Everything in the books was just a façade! Also, it might have to do with the fact that KatYoukai's been taking crack lately.
Dear Journal (Manly men don't keep diaries),
I read Alanna's diary the other day and found out she was planning to get at Jon first! Well I'll beat her to it. When she knocks him out with the drugged food, I'll kidnap him before she does! After all, I've been looking for a new sex toy to play with lately. Can you believe it? They still haven't found out I'm gay! How dense! Look at me! I'm over 40 years old and still not married! Can't they tell? Oh well enough ranting, time to set my plan in action heheh.
- Raoul
So the great Raoul, commander of the King's Own… is gay! Now we know why he enjoys hanging around his men so much huh?
I'll skip Numair's cause that'll just give you brain trauma and go right to Jon's.
Dear Diary,
It's New Years now! My resolution? WORLD DOMINATION! I've already taken out Scanra by having Numair turn it into a crater. Now after stealing Alanna and Raoul's diaries I've figured out they're planning treason! But that's okay too because I've got plans. I've already kidnapped the rule of Tyra. I just have to disguise him as myself then have him eat their food. Honestly, if he doesn't just get poisoned to death I'll be greatly surprised. Of course, no matter to what extent I disguise him, he'll never look quite as beautiful as ME but it should be able to fool them. I SHALL rule the world! Bwahahahahhahahahahaahahahahahah… insane laughter follows for the next 8 pages.
Love your soon-to-be-king-of-the-world Jonathan of Conte
After all that are you still reading this? If you are, I believe you deserve a cookie! –hands everyone drugged cookies- Now, curious to know Numair's New Year's resolution? Well here it is! His resolution is…. Dum dum dum…
To realize his dream of becoming a woman and inventing plastic surgery!
Has anyone died of trauma yet?
Okay okay, I had fun XD Please don't take this seriously people, this is supposed to be stupid parody humor okay? Except this… this isn't even humor… this is just me on crack. Hah… okay yea last thing, I won't be replying to reviews this chapter but the next round of reviews I'll use that new thinga-ma-jig that lets you reply to your reviews through PMs. Okay yes that's it. Read, review, and please don't die, I don't want to get sued. Ah! I just realized, I typed this up in like 10 minutes tops. Wow... this is how much easier fics like this are when they're off crack XD