Title: The Chronicles of Siberia: The Sanford, The Kent, and The Wardrobe
Summary: Spectacular and epic fic writing that fills the screen and your heart! A fic that will be remembered for years to come!
Dedications: The good staff at the Old Navy for providing quality pants at affordable prices of $5.99, 5ive who are a true inspiration, to all those who reviewed who we don't actually know, and all those who we do!
We'd also like to give a special shoutout to Bernard, our beta!
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Hunched beneath his invisibility cloak, Sanford Cohen stirs a brewing pot of chicken soup round and round! Fearing his cloak might catch on fire due to the tumultuous Steve Martins flying about the soup, Sanford rapidly backs away from the stove, briefly losing his footing, forcing the cloak to drop to his shoulder, leaving his entire face exposed.
Walking past the kitchen, KiKi spies a body-less Sanford Cohen head floating about the kitchen.
Seeing KiKi's confused stare, Sandy Cohen looks shocks and addresses her:
"KiKs! Can you see me!" Sanford questions, in a very perturbed fashion.
"Whatever are you doing with that huge bowl of brewing potion! Is that polyjuice again! You cannot just turn into Kevin Richardson anytime you please! It just confuses Seth Cohen!"
"How the hell did you even know I was in here!"
"DUH! You're on my Marauder's Map! I spotted you moving about the kitchen!"
"KiKs! Just because Ryan Atwood was thrown into Azkaban, the prison of wizardry, for being a stupid bitch to girls in NYC, does not mean you should be using magics aboot the home! This isn't Hogwarts, you know! I'm simply brewing a hearty pot of chicken soup!"
"EW!" KiKs exclaims, "Whyever would you do that? You know I don't permit meats in this home."
Sanford, absolutely outraged at KiKi's stupidity, screams "It's for Kevin Richardson! He's been feeling a bit under the weather!"
With concern, KiKi questions, "The action figure or the cardboard cutout?"
"The action figure, of course!" Sanford yells.
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After feeding Kevin Richardson his soups, Sanford Cohen sits in his mammoth shrine to boybands with his pal, Greg Fischer.
Immersed in a plethora of '90s nostalgia, Sanford Cohen and Gregory Fischer belt the lyrics out to one of their very fav Backstreet Boys songs, "Siberia."
As they get to the lyric, "my heart did time in Siberia," Sanford gets a brilliant idea.
"Why don't we do time in Siberia! I feel it would help connect our hearts to Kevin Richardson's, and we would probably really even help him out with his illness!"
Greg Fischer, finding the idea inspired agrees immediately, "Sanford, I just saw this great film in which four young British chaps were traveled by a wardrobe to a land much like Siberia called NARNIA! I think we could totally do time in Siberia by using a wardrobe for transit."
"Great idea!Why didn't I think of that! I saw that very same film with KiKi the other day! Kiks left early though, since she was enraged that the film was not offered in IMAX. And I think we have a wardrobe in the home somewhere! Let's check in that room we never use or furnished by the kitchen!"
Eighteen years! Eighteen years! And on his eighteenth birthday he found out it wasn't his!
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Passing through the kitchen of the home, Sanford and Greg Fischer see Uncle Shawn and Luke Ward dyeing Easter eggs. As Sanford and Greg Fischer loudly clamber down the staircase they cause Luke Ward to drop his glorious golden sparkly egg on the floor. As he weeps in his hands, Uncle Shawn begins singing triumphantly:
Things get damaged
Things get broken
Sanford and Greg Fischer, exclaiming that BSB is 1000 times better than Depeche Mode any day, stomp out of the kitchen without a backward glance to Luke Ward who holds the egg his hands and asking aloud the question," WHY!"
Leaving behind the horrid stench of vinegar and Uncle Shawn's alcoholic stench as well, Sanford and Greg Fischer make their way towards the creepy dark hallway that no one ever uses in the home and stop before a dark wooden door.
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Opening the heavy mahogany door to the unused extra room in the Cohen household, Sanford's attention is immediately drawn to a massive sheet covered wardrobe. Greg Fischer and Sanford quickly make their way over to the structure and tear off the sheet with flourish. They simply cannot wait to get to the magical land that is Siberia.
Pushing their way past old Halloween costumes and cloaks Sanford and Greg Fischer begin to feel the cold breeze usually accompanied by snowy climates: they knew they must have entered Siberia!
They spy a huge crystal ice structure, sprawling from the snowy ground into the sky and decide to make their way over, thinking it might be a Siberian ice hotel or perhaps the home of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra! Trudging through the snow, they arrived at the icy structure to be greeted by the anguished screams of Clark Kent.
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Clark Kent lifts two small twins in the air (from the Housewives) and proceeds to fling them toward a huge swirling vortex that he created. He looks toward Chloe Sullivan, who swings from an ice crystal while pasting weird stories about meteors on an ice wall.
A huge fan of those twins, Sanford Cohen screams out just before Clark Kent releases them into the vortex. Clark Kent shoots him an inquisitive look.
Sanford Cohen then begins to frantically urge Clark Kent to reconsider this: "Clark Kent! Stop this! Lynette Sciavo and Steve Martin will be outraged! Why would you do this!"
"They're aliens!" Clark Kent screams, "Sent to destroy the Earth!"
Sanford Cohen, extremely offended, yells back, "Lynette Sciavo, though she once left them at the roadside, would never accuse Porter and Preston of being aliens sent to destroy the Earth! And Steve Martin would never say that Nigel and Kyle are Martians!"
"They were trying to destroy my icicle castle with their heat vision! They're clearly aliens!" Clark Kent insists.
"WAIT A MINUTE," Greg Fischer reasons.
"Look at the stars! Look how they shine for you!" Greg Fischer sings loudly.
Clark Kent, pausing to ponder this thought, looks toward the sky and spies the bright yellow constellations, as the background music to "Yellow" kicks in. Clark Kent looks back and forth, from the stars in the sky to the children in his hands.
Suddenly, he gets a revelation! He sings, "Their skin! Oh, their skin and boooooones! They're beautiful!"
Clark Kent realizes that he cannot and will not toss these children into the infinity and abyss of nothingness, found only in vortexes in Siberia.
Just as this dilemma was solved, John Mayer barges in, busting down the double doors of Siberia. Clark Kent, the Housewives twins, Sanford, and Greg Fischer look at the friend with confusion, when he screams out, "Sorry! Thought this was my 10-year reunion!"
Clark Kent, angry at the interruption and madness that occurred in his supposed Fortress of Solitude, begins yelling, "GET OUT OF MY FORTRESS! I think you're expected at wizarding training! Head down the road, that way, and you'll find some horseless carriages ready to carry you to a super secret location to complete your training that will enable you to survive amongst the witchcraft and wizardry mischief in Siberia."
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Sanford and Greg Fischer begin their trek by hopping into a large lemon and rolling through the snow toward the school of magics. They see a river of chocolate, also known as the river of dreams, to their left, and decide to hop in, using the lemon as a boat. Greg Fischer strips, using his shirt as a sail, directing the lemon toward neutral, magical territory.
Suddenly, the river, wildly and uncontrollably speedy, shoots them along. Loving the thrill, Sanford and Greg Fischer begin screaming, "ELLO! ELLO! ELLO! V. E.!" They just love and adore that Ashlee song.
Sanford Cohen, receiving a brilliant thought about Jimmy Cooper, says, "I'm so pleased Jimmy Cooper has become a musics man. I can't believe his new album, Jimmy Coopering It Up, is due out next week!"
Suddenly, the lemon rolled to a stop. "Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!" they suddenly heard.
Before their very eyes, the lemon transformed into a horseless carriage!
"THIS MUST BE IT! This must be the schooling! Clark Kent said we would know we've arrived once we find the horseless carriage!" Sanford shouts, excitement pouring from his very heart.
A knock is heard on the exterior of the lemony carriage. Suddenly, a British voice calls out, "HELLOOOO! Are you boys coming out!"
Reluctantly, Sanford glances through the lemon scented window and sees who is calling for him.
"OH EM GEE!" Sanford begins, "it's the fairy godmother!"
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Taking a seat next to Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas, Sanford turned his attention to the teacher, George Feeny, floating at the front of the room.
"Welcome class! Usually we begin the term with light-hearted joy, however I regret that we begin today with heavy hearts as we prepare for an epic war that will live on in Siberian history for eons to come!"
Sanford, hearing the words 'epic war,' sprang into the air and screamed, "wtf! I came to Siberia to sing 'Siberia' and pray for Kevin Richardson! Not to join an army!"
Mr. Feeny, looking stern leans close to Sanford and screams, "This war, Mr. Cohen, is no laughing matter. Topanga, the witch who claims to rule Siberia, has waged an epic battle on the indigenous inhabitants of Siberia. All those who oppose her evil will are being murdered and subjected to watch endless hours of Mischa videos, including 'A Ring of Endless Light'- the absolute worst of the worst!"
Sanford, having had no idea about Topanga's plans for Siberia, gasps in horror! He knew no creature should ever have to be subjected to Mischa for endless hours! Now armed with the knowledge that the creatures of Siberia needed his help, he turns to Greg Fischer and exclaims, "Greg Fischer, we've got to help Siberia-it is what Kevin Richardson would want us to do!"
Greg Fischer, who also wants to do what Kevin Richardson would do, agrees with a nod of his head. Dean and Seamus, both looking rather confused raise their hands.
"Yes?" asks Mr. Feeny.
Seamus taking the lead says, "We think that we have gotten lost-we were supposed to be in Herbology this period-definitely not in a Siberian battle scene!"
Mr. Feeny, unfazed by the two displaced Gryffindors, turns his attention instead to the battle plan intricately drawn on the board, and begins to hand out weaponry. To Dean and Seamus, George Feeny gives some plastic light sabers and small containers of soap bubbles. He then explains that these good tools will enable the Siberians to deflect the harmful smells of the Topangans and also allow for the Siberians to play aboot with the good light sticks! To Greg Fischer, rather than a straight up weapon, he is slapped in the head with a magic wand! To his surprise, as he goes to punch up Mr. Feeny he discovers that his hands have become hooves! He had become a centaur! He had the legs of a horse, attached to his ordinary head and torso!
George Feeny, impressed with his own wizardry skills, applauds his transformation of Greg Fischer and then whips an umbrella out of thin air. Handing it to Greg Fischer, George Feeny insists that he carry the good accessory, Mr. Tumnus style.
"And to you, Sanford Cohen, I bestow the most important weapon of all: the anti-Angelina crème. This solution is specially formulated in the North Pole and is for official Siberian government purposes only. This crème is applied to the lips, produced an anti-inflammatory effect, which deflates the giant Angelina lips in which Topanga prides so deeply and dearly. The reduction of her enormous lips will cause Topanga to fall from power as her followers adore her only for her appearance. Then, we will be able to capture her, and Siberia will forever be free of the Topangan regime! Take these tools and go to our great leader, the lion."
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After spending hours trekking over giant Siberian ice mountains, they came to an area of lush, green prairies. Within the glory of nature, there stood the lion: Reege.
Reege, the great leader, begins explaining the battle plan.
"There will be choices in this battle you may not be prepared to make. You must decide now if this is a chance you want to take. Speak now, and you can return to your homes. Otherwise, you're staying on behalf of Siberia!" Reege explained.
Suddenly, the army gets a whiff of the Hollister scent. Turning around, they find the source of the smell: Richard Gilmore, himself! WOO! Richard Gilmore, clad in blue swimming trunks and a yellow "What Would Dieter Schmitz Do?" taps Reege, in lion form, on the shoulder.
Richard Gilmore asks, "Excuse me, can you point me to LS&S?"
Looking at Richard Gilmore oddly, Sanford responds, "We're a long way from Laguna, Richard Gilmore. This, of course, is Siberia"
Greg Fischer, knowing Richard Gilmore as an extremely wise and experienced man, asks, "What do you think of this battle, Richard Gilmore? Should I stay and fight?"
Richard Gilmore, confused and apathetic aboot Siberian battlefields, gives Greg Fischer a piece of universal advice, "You know, Greg Fischer, when I have to make a decision, the question I ask myself is, as you can see on my shirt, what would Dieter Schmitz do? Would he sit back and ignore the cries of his country? Or would he fight?"
Richard Gilmore, done dispensing advice, excuses himself to correspond with his daughter, Lorelai Gilmore, "Excuse me, I have to contact Lorelai Gilmore. It seems I'm lost."
At Richard Gilmore's words, an own suddenly flies down and floats right in front of Richard Gilmore. The own hands him a crayon and an orange post-it, and Richard Gilmore scribbles "Lorelai, this is your father, Richard Gilmore. I am lost in Siberia."
Richard Gilmore hands the note to the owl, a friend of his named Hermione, and says, "Here, Hermione. Please deliver this to Lorelai Gilmore."
Pissed, Hermione the owl shouts in a really good British accent, "I am not owl!" (Owl sounds more like al, in Hermione speak.)
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The two armies stood face to face. Topanga's army, consisting of Topanga standing proudly and tall in front of hundreds and hundreds of identical Topanga clones, were dressed in matching uniforms. Their tees said "Make a wish! WISHES!" in an opera style voice and leggings with multi-colored stars on them. Reege's army, on the other hand, were decked out in tees that read, "Jail Mischa!" and leopard-print tights with electric green hot-pants over them.
Franc, carrying a tray of appetizers and a swan that has a tattoo of the Siberian crest, screams out, "FOR SIBERIAAAAAA!" and the troops then stomp forward.
As the battle raged on, Kevin Richardson stood sadly on the sidelines, singing, "Siberiaaaaaa." During the battle, Greg Fischer and Sanford clasp hands, holding onto each other in fear. Suddenly, a small Topanga barges in and breaks their clasped hands, and in surprise, Greg Fischer shouts out, "I'VE LOST MY HUMAN!"
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At the end of the battle, in which the Siberians proved victorious, the troops stood around a songbird, who was leading everyone in song:
"Julie Coop! O Julie Coop! The great big greedy nincompoop!"
"LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOOOOVE IT!" the songbird screams.
"WAIT ONE MINUTE," says Reege! "We've just won a war! Please sing the triumphant classic, the Siberian anthem!"
Suddenly, every single voice begins to sing, "Like a bolt out of the blue! Fate steps in and sees Siberia through! When we wish upon a wardrobe, our dreams come true!" They were getting totally into the national anthem and began screaming the last verse of the song: "Every party has a pooper; that's why we invited you, party pooper! Every party has a pooper that's why we invited you, GEORGE BANKS!"
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Seeing their work in Siberia was done, Sanford and Greg Fischer step through the wardrobe, passing through the coats and costumes, and step into the Cohen home.
Instead of a kindly, old professor waiting for them, as those good Narnia children found, Sanford Cohen and Greg Fischer saw a ghastly sight!
Clark Kent had returned and created another vortex! Sanford sees Clark Kent with his hands raised in the air, holding Seth Cohen, KiKi, Julie Cooper, and Barbara Walters over the dangerous vortex, ready to be dropped in.
Sanford Cohen and Greg Fischer exclaim, "Not again! CLARK KENT!"
That's all, folks! See ya real soon!
Disclaimer: Our dividers, composed of the words Cinch and Hania, do not belong to us, though SOME people try to force Cinch upon us. We do, however, own really good invisibility cloaks. In fact, we're decked out in them right now and standing right behind you as you read this list of disclaimed items. We have no rights to soups, especially those with Steve Martins floating about in them. We are thankful that we don't own The O.C. or its characters, as it's a piece of shit and we hate it. Although we do have invisibility cloaks, we have not yet had the pleasure of learning how to make polyjuice potion or use Marauder's Maps. Surprisingly, we've also never been sent to Azkaban. We don't own the concept of being a bitch to girls in NYC, for that is something exclusive to Ryan Atwood (AKA Benjamin McKenzie.) We have no ownership to Kevin Richardson or any of the songs to which he so beautifully contributes his voice, including "Siberia." We don't own Depeche Mode, Easter eggs, or dye. We don't have any rights to action figures, cardboard cutouts, or Trans-Siberian orchestras of any kind. We do not live in the olden times, so we do not own wardrobes. We do not have any rights to Lynette Sciavo, the Housewives/Cheaper by the Dozen twins, Clark Kent, Chloe Sullivan, vortexes, George Banks, or Franc. Though he probably hasn't appeared in this fic, we'd also like to mention that we don't own Howard Weinstein as of this moment. One day, one day. We don't own "Yellow," John Mayer, "Wishes," "L.O.V.E," Jimmy Cooper's upcoming album, A Ring of Endless Light, "Every Party Has A Pooper," and "A Bolt Out of the Blue." We stole the Julie Cooper song from one of our other fics, so it's ours, but it was originally inspired from the great film of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. We don't own chocolate rivers, horseless carriages, lemons, centaurs, post-its, light sabers, the Harry Potter children, or the Fairy Godmother. We have a pet centaur or three, but invent them we did not. Mr. Feeny, as always, belongs to those good guys at Richard Gilmore does, as well. Reege, Mr. Tumnus, and Barbara Walters, our idols, are disclaimed. Lorelai Gilmore, you are in a category by yourself in greatness, and we must attribute that to those good people at the WB11. Owls named Hermione exist all across the world, so we cannot, therefore, claim them as our own. The Angelina crème is an invention all our own, though we unfortunately can't say the same for those good Dieter Hollister tees.
Have a cupcake and a song, and always remember: This one's for NAAAAAARNIA!