One Little Letter

'So,' Chandler said, when he and Monica arrived at Ross and Rachel's apartment, two nights later, 'Have you written it yet?'

'No,' Ross moaned. 'I can't think what to say.'

'I think it's easy,' Rachel said, 'Just write, "Give me the ring, bitch."' She helped Chandler and Monica settle into their main area. She was proud of the home she'd set up with Ross. They had decided, after she had got off the plane, that the three of them needed somewhere bigger so they had moved into a different apartment. They weren't ready to move out to Westchester and suburbia, although Rachel could see a day when they'd want to do that. Maybe when their family got bigger – certainly when Emma got older and wanted more space than an apartment could provide, even an apartment like this one.

'All it needs is one sentence, one minute, one stamp on the envelope and it's gone,' Rachel said firmly. Chandler smiled,

'Yeah, but it's not exactly persuasive is it, Rach? If you just insult her there's absolutely no chance she'd help out.'

'She'd just tear my letter up and toss it in the trash,' Ross agreed, 'I've got to write something that will persuade her to give it back to me. I just can't think of what to say.'

'Are you sure there's no way she can be forced to give it up?' Monica asked. 'The ring has nothing to do with her any more. She shouldn't be allowed to keep it, that's just wrong.'

'I've checked,' Ross said, 'It cost me five hundred dollars to get a lawyer to find out for me. In New York, and in England, there's no way I can force her to give up the ring.'

'New York?' Rachel frowned, 'You mean it might be different in Jersey?'

'I don't know,' Ross said, 'I didn't think it was worth another five hundred dollars to find out.'

'What would they do in LA?' Chandler mused, 'Maybe they'd saw the ring in half and give half to each party.'

'Chandler!' Monica snapped, 'This isn't funny. This is our Grandmother's wedding ring. She came to this country with nothing but that ring and the clothes on her back. It's a family heirloom. If you can't take this seriously then please don't say anything at all.'

'Hey,' Chandler said, raising both hands peaceably. 'I was just wondering that's all. At the moment, it seems to me that we can't do anything about it.'

'We have to, I've got to get that ring back,' Ross said fiercely.

'If she's still got it,' Chandler reminded him. It seemed to Chandler that they were supposing a lot of things that had yet to be proved. If Emily didn't have the ring any more, it was lost forever and there was nothing any of them, even Jack, could do about it. Privately, Chandler thought that Ross and Rachel should use a new ring anyway, to make a fresh start.

'Don't say that,' Monica said fretfully.

'But Monica, think,' Chandler said, 'Why would she want to keep that wedding ring? If she married again, why would she want a ring from a marriage that didn't work out.'

'Who knows why Emily might want or not want to do anything,' Monica said, 'She was crazy enough to leave a message on the answer machine for Ross wanting to talk to him the day before her wedding. Can you imagine that?'

'She did?' Chandler was surprised and looked at Ross for confirmation. 'Wow, what did she say?'

'I don't know exactly what she said,' Ross said, 'Because I didn't actually hear it. The message got wiped by mistake.'

'How?'

'Never mind how. But I heard about it,' Ross said.

'Did you call her back?' Chandler asked curiously.

'No!' Ross exclaimed. 'What would have been the point? I'd just been getting over that whole business – you know that day when we nearly got killed. I was thinking that day that maybe I should try again, but I was only thinking that because I just felt bad about the way it ended, not because I actually wanted to because…' he trailed off in a verbal tangle and said instead, 'To call her back would have just opened all that up again and I didn't want to anyway.' He put his head in his hands. 'I don't want to contact her now.'

'It's just a letter, Ross,' Chandler said. 'You don't have to hear her voice or see her.'

'No,' Rachel said firmly, 'You don't have to see her. It's just one question you want the answer to. Has she got the ring, and if so, will she give it back?'

'That's two questions, sweetie,' Ross said with a tired smile. 'You're right though. It's only a letter. It's a piece of paper and a pen and I just have to write it.'

'That's right, you've done it before,' Chandler said, 'Just make sure no ducks are around to poop on it, and you'll be fine.'

'Did you ever send that letter?' Monica asked.

'Yeah.'

'What did she do?'

'She sent it back to me,' Ross said.

'Shredded?'

'No, unopened,' he said. The others looked downcast, thinking of the fate of this yet to be written letter about the ring. 'But there was duck poop on the envelope. There won't be any this time. In fact,' Ross said, 'I'll write that letter now.' He went over to a side table and brought back some paper and a pen. Chandler and Monica noticed the wastepaper basket with the scrunched up efforts of previous attempts. 'So,' Ross said, leaning on the coffee table. '"Dear Emily,"'

'Why do you have to say "Dear"?' Rachel interrupted. 'She's not Dear. She's anything but Dear.'

'That's how you're supposed to begin a letter,' Ross said, 'You always start with that word, even if it's your worst enemy.'

'You'd write to Ted Bundy like that,' Monica said. Rachel laughed.

'Yeah, Ted Bundy. I'm sure Ross would rather write to Ted Bundy.'

'Ted Bundy is dead isn't he?' Chandler asked. 'I thought they executed him years ago.'

'I don't know. He's not on my Christmas card list,' Monica said sharply. 'So next you write, "I would like the wedding ring back."'

'Shouldn't you say which wedding ring?' Chandler asked. Ross glared at him.

'How many wedding rings do you think Ross has given her?' Monica asked, a little exasperated.

'She might have collected a few from other failed marriages,' Rachel said.

'I don't want to hear the words failure and marriage close to each other, if you don't mind sweetie,' Ross said. 'I've had enough of that in my life. More than enough.' Rachel hugged him,

'I'm sorry.' Ross accepted the hug and then looked at what he'd written.

'That's it?' Ross asked.

'What else would there be?' Monica asked.

'I didn't think you could write a letter with only one sentence, it's not proper. A letter is supposed to have at least two sentences.'

'Well just say you're getting married again. That's your second sentence,' Monica said. Ross winced.

'Did you have to use that word "again"?'

'Sorry,' Monica said. 'Just say that you need it because you're getting married.' Ross wrote that, and then said,

'Isn't she going to wonder who I'm getting married to?'

'That's none of her business,' Monica said.

'Does it even matter?' Chandler asked.

'Of course it matters,' Rachel said indignantly, 'it's me he's marrying.'

'It might annoy her,' Chandler said.

'She can't tell me what to do about Rachel,' Ross said, 'She tried to do that before and she's not going to do it now.' Ross added the words "to Rachel" And then, "yours truly, Ross Geller."' He put the pen down.

'Finished.' He could hardly believe it. Two days to write that. He should have asked Monica and Chandler over earlier.

'Now, how hard was that?' Chandler asked.