It's All For Trying
Yes, another of my 'bedamned oneshots' xD
And it was a completely random thing at first. Only a friend said to post it under Sasusaku. SOhere we are. Yep. And I know it's stupid already! -dissolves in tears-
Puh-leez review it if you read it -bambi eyes-
R00BaKa: Pah! EVERYBODY can refuse bambi eyes.
Tyrone: NO! NEVAR! STOP CORRUPTING MY MIND WITH YOUR LIIIIESSS! BAMBI EYES CAN TAKE OVER ANYONE'S WILL! BWARHARHARHARHARHARHARHAR
Everyone else:...she should have never had that extra coke...
How did he do it? She wondered.
How did he remain so dead to the aspect of feelings, of love, when she so showered him in them?
It wasn't like she didn't try hard enough.
She was always there. Had always been there. Would always-would try to always-be there.
So why couldn't he accept that and understand, take in, accept, what she felt?
Did he do it on purpose? Shutting himself away from embracing what made every person truly human.
Maybe, she pondered, maybe that's not such a bad thing.
After all, the love-was it love? Did love hurt this much?-she felt for him brought nothing at all benefactory.
So why…?
Why did she continue grasping for his hand in the darkness that he had surrounded himself with?
Why did she look for acceptance from someone who could not even believe in himself?
And why…why was she so foolish as to continue believing that one day, somehow, he would turn around and somehow finally see that she had been following him all along?
Treading along the path through the woods to the small lake she found so much solace in, she mulled over, again, these things.
They bothered her.
Throughout her upbringing, her parents had continued reassuring her that anything she believed in would happen, as long as she tried as hard as possible.
So, now, why wasn't it working?
Why was he not looking at her every time with compassion reflected in his eyes?
Why were they not far along the path she wished for them the walk, had already planned out, in her mind?
What was she doing wrong?
She wasn't trying hard enough, was she?
A bitter smile tinged the edges of her usually-carefree face.
And she answered her own questions.
She kept trying to make him understand because she hoped that one day he would look back and see her.
Because she still believed in those words, in the things that her father had told her to reassure her so long before.
Because, somewhere inside, she knew that even if he would never understand what it meant to love, even if he never would accept her for who she wanted to be to him, she wanted to keep trying.
Maybe nothing would ever come of it.
Maybe it was all for nothing.
But …did it really matter?
Even if she offered him her already-broken heart, only to be rejected again, and again, and forever once more, she would keep trying.
Even if he made her cry and turned his face away from the tears he would cause to rise from her feelings to pour out of her eyes, she would continue risking everything to be reduced to tears once again.
Was that love?
Not caring how much you got hurt?
Trying even if you knew you'd never have a chance?
Maybe it was. Maybe she wasn't stupid. But, still…whatever it was, it didn't matter.
Because she knew that, no matter how hard he would push her away, she would blink away the pain and run after him once again.
That was how she chose to live her life.
------
Why did she do it? He scoffed at her unreasonable tries to get him to return her foolish feelings.
Couldn't she see? That he didn't care?
He didn't care what she thought of him.
He didn't care if she cried over him.
He didn't care if she so-called loved him.
It didn't matter.
So then, why?
Certainly he had pushed her away, definitely harshly, enough times for her to completely understand that he did not, would not, and would never return any of the irrational emotion called love that she would probably never stop claiming she felt for him.
He had made her hurt enough times.
He had left her bent over, on the ground, submerged in pain and tears, quite enough times.
He had even yelled at her for holding onto such idiotic dreams and hopes-indeed, sufficient times for her to finally understand that he did not care about her at all.
And yet, regardless of all the emotional anguish that he forced her to bear merely because of her unreasonable belief that he could feel love too, she continued trying.
Would she ever stop?
It irked him, really.
Was there no end to her pining away?
But as he really stopped raving about her stupid practices to think about what she did…
Was he important enough for that?
For all the torture he, the only person important enough to cause her to go through that self-same sorrow, inflicted.
Or…
Was that love?
One-sided love, but love nevertheless.
No matter how annoying she could be, one had to praise her, in the end, for her unyielding stubbornness.
Maybe it was love.
Maybe hurting was what love was based on.
Not the silly, kissy-huggy-chocolates-and-roses obsessions his fangirls would chase after him with.
Not the "promising-their-undying-devotion-on-a-balcony-facing-the-sunset" thing, either.
Not even the "always-being-there-for-them-no-matter-the-sacrifice, believing-in-forever-while-on-the-brink-of-death" stuff.
The pain.
The hurt.
The tears.
The grief.
And the endless crushed dreams, broken hopes.
If that was love…
If that was what she felt…
Maybe, just maybe-it wasn't that foolish,
After all it took to keep believing.