A/N: Not much to say today… really not much to say any day… Oh yea, wait, nope, still nothing. Oh, I hope they bring Cowboy Bebop back quickly so I can re-record the last two sessions. I messed them up when I re-recorded a few episodes (and realized I missed one the first time around). In my opinion, Bebop is the best thing to have ever been on Adult Swim, and without it the whole thing is lacking a little something, don't you agree?
Disclaimer – I do not own Hey Arnold!, but I do own South Park Season One DVD, and that makes me VERY happy.
A Sure Thing
Chapter 4 – The Hot Corner
~ Sunday, April 13 ~
"You're still swinging too early!"
"I am not!"
"Yes, you are. Wait for the ball."
"Well, pitch it a little faster!"
Arnold gritted his teeth. It was Helga and his first training session together, and it was going horribly. Helga had done nothing but complain about his methods for helping her and had had a major problem accepting constructive criticism. Well, everyone has a breaking point, and after nearly three hours of listening to Helga G. Pataki bitch and whine while he worked his ass off, Arnold had reached his. He reached back and threw the ball as hard as he could, aiming for about six inches right of Helga's head.
She hit the dirt, the ball barely missing her. Arnold calmly grabbed another softball out of the bucket and tossed it in the air.
Helga finally lifted her head to glare at him, but Arnold could tell she was surprised. "You asshole! What the hell was that?"
He continued to toss the ball up. "Sorry, it slipped."
"Sorry my ass," she said as she stood up. "You're supposed to throw underhand, Hair Boy! Not show me your best Roger Clemons impression!"
He shrugged. "Will ya get up? It's not like it was going to hit you anyways."
"Puh-lease! If I wouldn't've ducked, that would have hit me square in the jaw."
"It'd have been at least two inches away from you! You wouldn't have been hit! Besides, you need to practice taking one for the team." He laughed. "Your head's hard enough to take any blow."
"I swear to it if you insult me again I'll kill you," she hissed, her fists clinched.
"Will you get back in the box? It's gettin' hot out here."
"Not until you apologize."
Me apologize? After all the crap she has ever said and done to me, she wants me to apologize for one little thing? "In your dreams, Helga!" he snapped. His patience was growing thin.
She stared at him for a few moments, and Arnold was almost certain she was going to charge the mound any second now. Disgusted, she threw the bat down. "Screw this, I'm done for today. See ya tomorrow, Foot–, uh, Arnoldo."
Oh no, she's not calling the shots out here. This is my turf. He walked towards her. "Fine, you can leave."
She stared at him. "Good. I'm leaving now." She turned and began to walk away.
He grabbed her arm. "After you beat me in a sprint."
She turned to face him. "What?"
"Well, since you didn't show any signs of improvement when we worked on getting a quicker jump earlier," Helga rolled her eyes. "You'll have to have some speed if you want to be able to run the base paths." He smirked at her as he led her back to home plate. "When you beat me to first base, you can go."
She frowned. "That's not fair! Your legs are longer than mine."
"Helga, I'm like three inches taller than you."
"So, that's three more inches for you, meaning longer strides. It's not fair."
"God, will you just shut up and do this? Stop being so difficult!"
She looked genuinely hurt, and Arnold immediately felt bad for yelling at her. "Look, you only have to beat me once. Then you can go."
Helga stared at him. "Fine. Let's go!" she cried as she took off.
Damn it, he thought as he raced after her, beating her by a step. "I'm not fair?" he snapped at her. She looked away from him, clearly upset at herself for losing. "I'll say when we go, understand?" He wanted for her to catch her breath and get set. "Go!" he cried, and this time he beat Helga by several steps.
They continued this process of sprinting, Arnold winning, and Helga complaining many, many times. "Please, can we just stop?" Helga pleaded between gasps.
Arnold was tired as well, but he was not ready to back down to her. "No," he said softly. He was having difficulty talking as well. "You have to beat me first."
She groaned loudly. "Fine, let's go."
After about ten more sprints, Arnold went against his principles and let up, allowing Helga to beat him by a very slim margin. He was just too tired to run anymore, and she looked completely exhausted. Helga collapsed on the ground, breathing heavily. Judging by the expression on her face, she knew what he had done. She stood up and muttered something that sounded that sounded quite a bit like "asshole," but he could not be sure and chose to ignore it.
Arnold wiped the sweat from his forehead. "Well, that was certainly fun. When do we get to do this again?"
"Wednesday."
"Great," he said as he began to pick up the softballs that were scattered around the diamond. Helga followed in suit.
"So, what did you tell Lila on Friday?" he finally asked as Helga dropped the balls into the bucket and began to carry them to her car. Arnold picked up the bat and their gloves.
"What? Oh, I just sorta implanted the idea of you two in her head."
Arnold's face lit up. "Oh. What did she say?"
"Um," Helga bit her lip. "I think she said she had never thought of you two as a couple. It seems we have a lot of work to do."
"You're kidding, right?" he asked as he loaded everything into Helga's trunk.
"Nope. Don't worry, we'll start working on making you less pathetic tomorrow." She smirked as she got in her car. "See ya, Arnie!" she cried as she sped off.
Arnold felt like throwing up. "Why, why out of the millions of girls does Helga have to be the one who can help me?" he cried to no one. Life just seemed to enjoy kicking him at every opportunity, and Helga generally joined in the fun, making things much, much worse.
He walked back to Sunset Arms very tired and very sore. He yawned loudly as he opened the door and waited for the flood of animals to leave the building.
"Hey, Arnold!" Miles cried as Arnold entered the kitchen. "How was the training session?"
"Awful," he said as he took a long drink of water. "She's insufferable."
"Who's insufferable?" Stella asked as she entered carrying several dirty dishes.
"Helga," Arnold and Miles said together. "Mr. Hyunh find you in the hallway again?" Miles asked as Stella dropped the dishes into the sink.
"Who else?" She looked thoughtful. "Helga Pataki?"
"The one and only," Arnold said as he grabbed a banana.
"I wouldn't say she's insufferable." Stella filled the sink with hot water. "A little difficult, perhaps, but you can't blame her for that. I mean, Miriam and Bob were never the easiest to get along with. However, I must say every time I've spoken to her she was polite and interesting."
Miles returned to his crossword. "I have to agree with your mother, Arnold."
"Well, sure, she's nice to you. And I suppose she has her moments when she's okay, but ask Grandpa about her. He'll agree with me."
"And your grandmother will demand to have tea with Eleanor Roosevelt." Miles shook his head.
"Well, I think it's nice you are helping her," Stella said as she handed Arnold a dishrag. "And now you can help me by doing Mr. Hyunh's dishes."
Arnold took it and went to the sink, feeling a little shameful. His parents did not know exactly why he was helping Helga.
"Where are you going?" Miles asked.
"I'm going to go clean his tile grout in his kitchen. And I could use your help," she said sternly as Miles tried to hide behind the newspaper.
"All right. We'll be in Mr. Hyunh's room if you need us, Arnold," Miles said, and the two left, Miles complaining about having to help and Stella telling him to be quiet.
Arnold sighed as he scrubbed. I suppose Helga's not all that bad. But she's bad enough.
¤~¤~¤
~ Monday, April 14 ~
"I can't believe you are doing this."
"You and me both. I mean, I get a short practice today and what do I have to do the rest of the day? Go to the mall with Princess Prissy-Pants to shop for Mother's Day gifts," Helga snapped into the cell phone as she waited for the light to turn green. "I can't even remember the last time I actually put thought into Miriam's gift. I normally just pick up some flowers and chocolate, if I remember at all."
"That's not what I'm talking about," Corbin said as he strummed his guitar.
"Yeah, well, it's my choice, and could you not do that when I'm talking to you?"
"Sorry. But really, Helga, what are you trying to pull?"
"I'm not trying to pull anything!"
"You're trying to manipulate Arnold so he'll fall in love with you."
"I'm not trying to manipulate him!" she yelled into the phone. "I'm just going to get him to realize that he's liked me all along."
Corbin sighed. "Helga, I'm not sure if it's such a good idea. I mean, this could all blow up in your face."
"Cory, I'm sick of going on like this. I'm desperate." She sighed. "It's either all or nothing. Besides, I don't even really have to do it. I just have to act like I'm making an effort to get the two together."
"And you think Arnold's going to just wait around without any results?"
"I can handle this. Trust me."
He said nothing.
"Phoebe thinks it's a good idea. I told her about it last night."
"Helga, I know Phoebe better than that. She's probably just trying to keep you positive. She probably would agree with me." He paused. "How is she?"
"Fine. She says the weather's good." Helga swallowed hard. "I can't believe she's in Kentucky."
"Maybe it's better for her that she's not here."
"Probably."
"I just don't want to see you get hurt."
Helga laughed. "Me neither. You know, you could help me out a little bit. You are his bandmate."
"No."
"No?" Helga was floored. "Why the hell not?"
"Because, Helga, Arnold needs to realize how he feels about you on his own. However," he paused. "If you really want to, I'll tell you what he says about the situation, if he says anything."
Helga's heart swelled. "You're serious?"
"Yeah." He strummed the guitar again. "But you have to understand, I won't lie to you. If you ask and he said something that will hurt you, I've got to tell you that."
"Don't worry. I can handle it. Besides, if all goes well he won't have anything bad to say about me."
"Right, Helga. Well, I got to go. Arnold and the rest of them will be over any minute now. I'll don't think he'd like it much if he found out I was plotting with you. See ya."
"Later hater."
Helga had just hung up as she pulled up in front of the Sawyers' townhouse. Helga sighed. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her. She climbed the steps and rang the doorbell. To her horror, Ellen answered the door. But Ellen's fair game. No, no, that's bad too!
"Helga! It's so nice to see you again."
"Likewise," Helga spat sweetly, which came out as sarcastic as Ellen's comment. Ellen loathed Helga and the feeling was more than mutual. "Is Lila ready to go?" she asked, honey dripping from her words.
"I'll go get her. Won't you come in?"
"Thank you." Helga stood just inside the door, not wanting to go any further into enemy territory. The house was decorated ultra-modern and was filled with pictures of Lila. A Lila shrine. I think I'm going to be sick.
"Helga!" Lila cried as she entered the room.
Oh, yes, there it is! Don't throw up, don't throw up, you are stronger than this. Arnold's face entered her mind. I'm so stronger than this. "Ready to go?"
"Mmm-hmm. Bye, Ellen!"
"Good-bye, girls. Be safe," Ellen said as the two left.
"Oh, Helga, I'm so happy you are coming with me. I love hanging out with you, and you know Ellen almost as well as I do, so I just know you will be able to help me find the prefect gift for her," Lila cooed as they got into Helga's car. "And I know I can help you do the same for your mother's gift."
"Right." I won't kill her. I won't kill her. I won't kill her.
¤~¤~¤
"She has two arms to hold me and four legs to wrap around me. She's not your typical girlfriend. She's my alien!" Kyle sang at the top of his lungs. He started banging on the drums, playing them heavier than they were in the song.
"Kyle, will you shut it," Corbin yelled. "You sound like a dying duck. Which, ironically, Pierre sounds like at times."
"It's got to be a Canadian duck."
"Would you shut up about the Canadian crap?"
"C'mon, they can rock in two different languages."
"Right. Like you can really punk out in French."
Arnold ignored the two and practiced his cords while staring intently out the window of the loft above Corbin's garage.
"Where the hell is Quin?" Corbin yelled.
Arnold glanced at him. He was sitting on the floor with a pile of papers in his hands. Something must have set him off, because Corbin was normally rather relaxed and laid back. Then again, he did have a tendency to become positively eccentric when it came to the band.
"He's probably still at practice." Kyle whistled. "Those boys got their asses handed to them on Saturday. Creighton High School slaughtered them in both games of the double-header."
"Was he pitching?" Arnold asked.
"The second game he did." Kyle twirled a drumstick in his hand. "Poor bastard."
Arnold returned to the window. Corbin lived next to Helga's old house, and from here he could see Helga's old bedroom window. "Hey Cor?"
"Hmm?" he asked, clearly focusing on the song in front of him.
"Where's Helga living at now?"
Corbin's head shot up. "What do you mean?"
"I know she moved, but she never told me where."
"Arnold, she moved three years ago, and you still don't know where she lives now?"
"No. I mean, it's not like we talk all the time. Well, we will now, but before then…"
Corbin gave him a weird look before returning to his work. "Look, you ask her. Helga's not to proud of it, so if you want to know you can hear it from her."
"Speaking of our favorite little hellion, how was the practice yesterday?" Kyle asked.
"Ugh. Horrible." Arnold sighed. "She's completely unbearable when she wants to be, and yesterday she felt like giving me hell." He shook his head. "I try to help her, but she won't let me. She just argues and makes it ten times more difficult."
"That's Helga for ya," Kyle said before going into a mini-solo. "Ya gotta love her, though," he said when he finished.
"That's a matter of opinion," Arnold muttered.
Corbin said nothing.
"Give her half a chance, Arnold. She'll surprise you. Trust me," Kyle said.
"What makes you say that?"
"Because I couldn't stand one of my closest friends when I first met her. I thought she was the biggest bitch and goody-goody this world has ever seen. But I went to a party where she needed a ride home because her then-boyfriend was passed out and had been acting like dick to her. She lives near me, so I gave her a lift. We got to talking, and it turned out her favorite band is The Strokes. We totally clicked from then on, and now I can't image things without her."
"Excuse me while I throw up," Quin said from the doorway. "Seriously, dude, grow some balls and never talk like that again."
"'Bout time you showed up," Corbin said as Kyle flipped Quin off. "Let's go, the new song starting from the chorus."
"Can ya give me a sec? I just got here." He gave Arnold a high-five greeting. "Dude, don't listen to a damn thing Kyle says."
"That's cause you want Helga all to yourself. Thank God she's got better taste than you," Kyle said.
"Can we just practice? Battle of the Bands is coming up and –"Corbin started.
"Oh yeah, I forgot." Arnold reached into his pocket. "Gerald gave me this today."
"What's that?"
Arnold handed the form to Corbin. "It's the entry form."
"How the hell could you forget about that?" Kyle snapped.
"Cause he's worrying about his love-life," Quin said. "I can't believe you are using Helga to get that Lila chick to date you."
"I'm not using Helga. We have a deal. I help her, she helps me. Nothing more, nothing less."
"Shut up, Arnold. We don't care right now," Corbin retorted. "Okay, it says here that Battle of the Bands is May 24. That means we have barely more than a month to get ready for the biggest show of the year, so what are we standing around for? New song, from the chorus."
Arnold got set and began to play as Kyle banged on the drums and Corbin belted out, "Hey Dad, why don't you listen to me? I can't be the perfect son you are wanting me to be. Hey Mom, you gotta listen to me. Thank you for all you've done, but this is a battle that can't be won. You gotta let me go."
Quin jumped in with the bass, and Arnold's thoughts melted from Helga and Lila to his cords, but they remained in the back of his mind.
¤~¤~¤
Helga's feet throbbed, and she tried for the seven hundred and thirteenth time to ignore her throbbing headache. She had been reminded of how much she hated shopping within the first five minutes of their arrival, she quickly realized that shopping with Lila was a lot like hitting your head repeatedly with a sledgehammer, except you don't pass out with her, no matter how much you pray for death.
"Ooh, Helga, look at this? Isn't it darling?"
Helga stared at the crystal figurine of a mother and a daughter to which Lila was referring. Okay, so Lila likes the colors green and purple, her favorite singers are John Mayer and Jessica Simpson, she wants to spend her honeymoon in Paris, she aims to be a veterinarian, and she likes sparkly things like diamonds and crystal. Helga sighed. Boy, this girl is real exciting and original. "Oh, it's really nice, Lila, and I'm sure Miriam would love it, but it's just not special enough."
Lila's eyes widened, and she nodded. "I see your point, and I totally agree with you. What was I thinking?"
Not much is my bet. She rolled her eyes. "Don't worry about it, Lila, we'll keep looking."
"Helga, you keep asking about me and what I'm interested in. That's so unselfish of you, but I really want to get to know you better, too," Lila said as they walked.
Great. "Oh, I don't really like to talk about myself."
"Oh, but please do! I mean, I know your parents and Olga so well, but I just feel like we've never connected, and I hate that feeling."
Funny, that's what keeps me going some days, the fact that I don't have you following me around like a lost little puppy and worshiping the ground I walk on. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Lila. Really, it's okay," Helga said dully as they entered yet another jewelry store.
"No, it's not. So," she bit her lip as she thought carefully. "What's your favorite color?"
"Blue."
"Okay. Favorite number?"
"Ten."
"Favorite band?"
"Something Corporate."
"Who?"
"Look, Lila, it doesn't matter, okay? You can't get to know a person by simply asking them questions about their favorite things. You have to be around them and experience for yourself."
"Oh."
Helga sighed heavily and looked in the case. "Hey, Lila?"
"Yes, Helga?"
"Didn't you and Ellen go to Japan last summer?"
"Yes. We toured all of Honshu. Oh Helga, Mount Fiji is the most amazing site in the world –"
"Right. Just look at this. It's a brooch with sakura blossoms on it."
Lila bent over the counter to look at the glittering cherry blossoms. "Oh, Helga, it's beautiful. She'll love it."
It's just what Ellen needs, Helga thought as Lila purchased the brooch, another material possession. I guess this has a little bit of thought and meaning behind it, but it's still just an expensive piece of waste that she can show off to look more impressive and intimidating. She sighed. I hate rich people. Another thought filled her head. And I hate being one of them.
Lila clapped her hands. "Oh happiness! She'll love it. I'm ever so sure of it!" Lila hugged the bag.
Helga watched with little interest. This trip was verifying everything she had ever thought about Lila or called her. She's a child. That's all. Her lip curled. It certainly explained why Arnold liked her so much. She's so innocent. He's seen and felt far too much, so that's what he wants, something that's devoid of any bad thought or completely horrible memory, something that seems to be without pain. She can't feel anything real, so if he's with her, he can't either.
"C'mon, Helga, we need to go find Miriam something." Lila grabbed Helga's hand and pulled her out of the store and into a department store.
Helga yawned. "That's okay, Lila. I'm kinda tired. Why don't we head home?"
However, Lila was not listening to Helga. She was squealing at the top of her lungs. "Ooh! Helga look! Prom dresses!"
Sure enough, the department nearest to the entrance was the juniors' section, and it was filled with fluffy, frilly dresses of every color. It did not make Helga excited; it just made her want to eat sherbet.
"Oh, Helga, look at this one!" Lila cried as she pulled out a pale pink Cinderella dress. "I'm going to go try it on." She hurried to the dressing room, grabbing more dresses as she walked. "And this one, and this one, and oh! This one's amazing!"
Helga was thankful for the sound of Lila's absence, and she slowly made her way around the racks of dresses. None of them looked like anything she would want to wear; everything seemed to scream Lila. She did not even really want to go to prom, but she knew that Miriam and Bob would make her. It would keep her in the role of 'normal teenage daughter,' and that looked good to Bob's business partners.
"Helga! Helga, come here!" Lila cried. Helga went to the dressing room and watched Lila model all twent-three dresses. The headache in her head worsened.
"Oh, Helga, you should have tried some on," Lila said an hour later as they finally made their way out to Helga car.
"I just didn't feel like it today, I guess."
"Oh. Well, we'll just have to go again," she said brightly.
I can hardly wait. Helga pulled out of the mall parking lot and started towards Lila's house.
"You know, Helga, I thought about what you said."
"What's that?"
"Well, I suppose that Arnold and I would be a nice couple. I mean, he's a really nice guy, and I like him, but he's never really shown much interest in me."
Are you that thick? Does everything have to be spelled out right in front of your pretty blue eyes for you to see it? "Well, maybe he's just shy."
"Maybe. I guess I'll just have to be on the lookout for him. Watch him more closely and give him more of my attention." She turned to Helga. "Do you think that will work?"
Of course it would, you dolt! Guys like it when you show interest in them! But that's not what we want you to do, now is it? "Well, sometimes guys like it when you play hard to get." But you tend to do that naturally, Miss Untouchable.
"Oh, I couldn't do that, Helga. It's dishonest and misleading."
Oh, God, why? Why do You hate me so much? "Lila, if I were you, I'd just be yourself. Don't do anything special or different."
Lila brightened. "I'm glad you said that. I just wouldn't feel right if I didn't."
Helga made a face as she pulled in front of the Sawyer residence. "Well, this looks like the end of the road, Lila. I'll see ya tomorrow at school."
"Don't you want to come in?" Lila asked as she got out.
"That's okay. I need to get home."
"Right. Thanks again, Helga."
Helga had never been so happy to go home in her entire life. It was beyond her comprehension how anyone could stand to be around Lila for more than five minutes at a time. She ran up the stairs to her room the minute she entered the penthouse, saying nothing to Miriam, Bob, and Olga as they watched television in the living room. She threw her pajamas on and crawled into bed, more than ready for the day to end. She pulled out her diary and began to write.
You know, I've spent many at time wishing to be Lila Sawyer. She's smart, pretty, funny (according to some people), and everyone loves her, including Arnold. But I've never really gotten to know her until the past couple of years. I know she had a tough time when she first moved to the city, but she carries no scars from it. She seems to not be able to feel any emotion other than insufferable happiness. She can't be a real person; real people have emotions, they have feelings. I guess as I've gotten older I've noticed Lila's emotional handicap. Today I can definitely say that I will never envy her again, with the exception that Arnold is crazy about her. She's got him completely buffaloed, it sad. How a boy so smart got stuck in her web, I'll never understand. I know I can't understand everything, just like I can't understand why he can't see that I am the only one who can ever really love him. Me, Helga G. Pataki, Arnold's one and only.
Helga closed the book, and shoved it under her pillow as she drifted to sleep. Lila's a stupid cow, she thought. Just a stupid cow that will be easy to get rid of…
A/N: The last chapters have been more from Helga' s point of view, so the next one will be more from Arnold's. Gerald will be more involved, too. Anyways, I'll keep writing if you keep reading. Later days.