Chapter Twenty-Four: Why?
Hoshi's door chimed, but she didn't answer. She didn't want to see anyone.
"I know you're in there, Hoshi," Travis said, on the other side of the door. "Please, just open the door," he pleaded.
She ignored him.
"When you're ready to talk, you know where to find me," he said.
-----
Hoshi's door chimed again.
"Travis," she growled. She opened her door. "I'm not in the mood—"
"Ensign," T'Pol said.
"If you came here to hear an apology…don't waste your time."
"I came to offer my assistance."
Hoshi's eyes narrowed. "I already told you. I don't need help."
"It would be best for you to allow me in your quarters."
"Fine." Hoshi knew T'Pol wouldn't back down. She stepped to the side and T'Pol walked in.
"It is very hard for humans to deal with a loss." T'Pol held her hand up before Hoshi could say a rebuttal. "Sit." She moved Hoshi's desk chair and motioned for her to sit.
Hoshi complied. T'Pol sat on the floor, in front of her, with her legs folded. "What are you doing?" Hoshi asked.
"Breathe," T'Pol said.
"I said—"
"Trust me," T'Pol interjected.
Reluctantly, Hoshi inhaled, and then exhaled. She closed her eyes.
"Try to concentrate on your last memories of…"
T'Pol's voice faded into the background.
"So, Hoshi, when are we gonna dance?"
"…they both wasted time being so stubborn about loving each other. I mean, he could have outright told her how he felt, and she didn't have to run away from what she felt."
"You're not another fling. You're real."
"Just a little something to celebrate our three month anniversary."
"We're gonna save you. You're gonna live because you have to."
The memories were too much for Hoshi. "No," she whispered.
T'Pol stood and held Hoshi's hands. "What is the matter?"
Hoshi pushed her away. "Stop it! Just stop!"
"Ensign, I apologize—"
"Why are you torturing me like this!" Hoshi opened her door. "Get out!"
-----
Hoshi's door swished open.
"Captain." Hoshi jumped back, surprised at the intrusion. He didn't even bother to ring her bell.
"How are you doing?" he asked, softly.
"You tell me. Everyone else seems to think they know."
"I know you're going through a lot, emotionally. I wanted to see if there was anything I could do."
"You've done enough."
"We're a family, Hoshi. When one hurts, we all hurt. There will never be enough that we can give each other. This is your friend, Jon, speaking. Not captain, or superior officer; just Jon. Ask me anything, tell me anything, and I'll do what I can."
Hoshi looked at him and shook her head. "What I want you can't give me."
He opened his arms to hug her and she stepped back.
"I need some time alone, Jon."
-----
Hoshi walked into sickbay.
"Ah, Ensign," Phlox greeted. "How are you?"
"Fine."
"What is it I can do for you?"
"I need an antidote."
"Are you ill?"
"I…I need something that will help me sleep. I've been restless for some nights."
"Nothing I have can help you."
"Please, Doctor," she begged. "I can't sleep, I keep thinking…"
"What do you keep thinking?"
She looked away. "I keep thinking how it's my fault…my fault that…he died." Her mouth trembled. "Help me," she whispered.
He sighed. "It wasn't your fault; nobody's fault. There's really no reason to put such a burden on yourself."
"Then why do I feel this way?"
"I think the question should be: why haven't you cried?"
"What?"
"It's been a well-known truth that it's the best medicine."
"I…don't know." She felt numb, emotionless, like she wasn't there. She turned to walk out of sickbay.
"By the way," Phlox called, "I believe you forgot something the last time you were here."
Slowly, she turned around and froze.
"Hoshi. You're an amazing person. You're beautiful—"
"Trip."
In the palm of Doctor Phlox's hand lay the ring Trip had given her.
"Where did you find it?"
"Let me continue. You're a beautiful person. Not just because you are but because you're brave, smart, caring, and I could go on forever."
"It was on the floor," Phlox answered. "You must have accidentally dropped it."
Hoshi remembered. The moment Jon broke the news, the ring slipped from her hands.
"And because you're this beautiful person…I love you."
She walked to Phlox and took the ring from his hand.
"I want you to have this."
She put the ring back on her finger. "It's not fair."
"What's not fair?" Phlox asked.
"Why did he have to love me? Why?"
Hoshi could feel the tears in her eyes and she made no effort to suppress them. Helplessly, she crumpled to the floor.
It hurts to know that you lost the one you love and, at the same time, that you never confessed your love.
"Why didn't I tell him I loved him, too?" The tears flowed.
Doctor Phlox sat next to her and held her. He felt for her; the disbelief, anger, frustration, and sadness; it all boiled down to emptiness.