Summary: In my opinion, Harm was a little too understanding of Mac's outbursts during 'Take it Like a Man', so here's what I think should have happened.
Author's Note: I've rewritten this, because I've learned a valuable lesson. If I happen to include elements in a short story that could be considered character bashing, then I will put the entire story into one chapter, so as to avoid confusion. Despite one some may believe, I had no intention of this story being a Mac bashing story when I wrote it. In fact, as you will see, I wrote it with a shipper ending in mind. I merely thought that, like I said, Harm was too understanding of Mac's insults.
Disclaimer: I'm currently designing a machine to travel back to a time when Microsoft was selling at three and a quarter, so that I'd have enough money to own JAG. Till it's built, the show isn't mine.
Spoilers: Take it Like a Man, Persian Gulf, Rendezvous
Rated T for Language
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I'm tired. It's been a long day and I think I'm close to losing it. This damn trial has me going out of my mind. But it's not the case that has me in such a state; it's my opponent. In all the years I've known her, I have never seen Mac act the way she has the last couple of days. She's sarcastic, defensive, well more than usual anyway. But it's not just that. She's angry, snapping at anyone who try's to talk to her. I should know, I've been on the receiving end of this unfocussed anger more than anyone else.
It's getting to the point where it's out of control. She told off the Admiral for God's sake! What's worse is, I have no idea what's bothering her. She won't talk to me unless it's to insult me or to talk about the trial, or both. She's been like this ever since her encounter with Sadik Fahd. I'm sure that whatever happened to her then is what's causing this strange behavior, but like I said, she won't tell me what happened. On top of that, the CIA has classified the records of the operation, all except for the after action report, which is sketchy at best. I have half a mind to march down to Webb's apartment and beat the information out of him. Then again, with him and Mac being in a relationship, I may beat him just for the fun of it.
I'm looking over a case file in the bullpen, when I see the object of my concern walking towards me. She doesn't acknowledge me, which seems to be typical these days. Nonetheless I really have to talk to her about her trial strategy. It's much like her new persona: caustic, brash and all over the place.
"Medal inflation?" I ask referring to her latest "tactic" in court.
Mac shrugs, "Just giving my client the defense he deserves."
Oh really? Is that what you call it? Because I call it a fishing expedition. A transparent ploy, that even a first year law student wouldn't use.
I scoff, "Come on Mac, you're arguing everything, but the case in there."
I really do wonder how and why she can defend this guy. This is a guy who lied about receiving a medal for meritorious conduct that may or may not have happened. It's an open and shut case of fraud.
I continue, "I mean your client has shown bad judgement, and no sense of responsibility," It occurs to me that I could just as easily be describing Mac's recent behavior.
"Doesn't it bother you, as a fellow Marine, that even when this guy is cornered he still won't own up?"
Mac looks like she's having trouble keeping herself from rolling her eyes.
"Come on Harm. When's the last time you admitted to being wrong, about anything?"
Um…excuse me? I thought we were discussing the case. When did this become about me?
"Oh, you want to get personal?" I ask, challenging her.
She doesn't back away. "Yeah, maybe I do."
If I weren't so annoyed with the way this conversation is going, I might suspect the possibility that there was a double entendre in that sentence. As it is, however, I am in no mood to have that conversation.
I shrug. What the hell.
"All right. I'm one with grown up responsibilities now," I put emphasis on the words grown up, "Mattie, the house I'm trying to buy, at least I'm finally letting people into my life."
I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish here. Maybe I can goad her into opening up. One way or another, I feel the need to vent right now.
She scoffs at me, "Toys," She says, "What happens when you get bored with suburbia, Harm? Are you going to lose interest in Mattie like you did your brother?"
I'm still reeling from that last hit when she lets the next volley fly.
"He preferred life in Russia, to being here and being ignored by you. Yet you fight to draw people into your circle, just so you can push them away again."
All right, that's it! That's fucking it! I have tried to be patient. I have tried to be supportive, but she has crossed the goddamn line. She was the one who helped me to adopt Mattie and now she has the audacity to say that I'm just going to get bored with her and cut her loose; and if that wasn't a low enough blow, she dares to bring Sergei into this. Almost sneering at me, while she tells me that it's my fault that he left. You know what, Sarah Mackenzie, Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
"Come with me." My voice gets low. I'm just barely managing to keep my anger in check.
Mac's sneer disappears. "Why?" She asks.
I'm fairly sure that I'm staring daggers at her now.
"Just do it." I say, heading towards her office. I figure if anyone is going to stalk off mad it might as well be me.
She follows and I shut the door, once we're inside. Luckily the blinds are shut. The last thing I want are witnesses to this. Mac stands beside her desk, with her arms crossed.
"All right, Harm. Why have I been dragged here?"
"Because, I didn't want the entire bullpen to hear what I'm about to say." I reply angrily.
"Well, what makes you think I want to hear it?" She asks snidely.
"You'll hear it, whether you want to or not." I reply sharply.
If I were calmer, I'm sure that I could come up with nice parting shot. Something about this being more about her thinking that I'm losing interest in her, rather than the possibility of me losing interest in Mattie. But I'm too pissed off for parting shots. The people at the office have…I have been taking this abuse for days. Well if Mac can't learn to keep the gloves up, then she had better be ready to face the penalty.
"First off, how dare you? Just who the hell do you think you are, that you can presume to judge me?"
She appears shocked. She's probably surprised that I've actually decided to call her on this.
"You think that I would get bored with Mattie and just hang her out to dry? Do you really think that little of me? Then you have the nerve to bring up Sergei. You think I haven't paid for that? I have a brother who I can't see, who I can't talk to and can't visit with, all because he lives in another country. And why? Because I screwed up. Yes, that's right I screwed up. That's what you really want to hear isn't it?"
For once in her life, Mac has been rendered speechless. She just stands there staring at me, with wide eyes, as I rant on. I can't say as I blame her. I can't ever recall being this worked up before.
"That's what you really want to hear. The great Commander Harmon Rabb Junior, top gun pilot, hotshot trial lawyer with ego to match, is just as much an idiot as everybody else. Do you have any idea how much it hurt to hear Sergei say that he wanted to leave because what I was offering wasn't enough? It was bad enough for me to find out that my own innocent mistakes are what drove him away. Now I have to hear my so-called best friend tell me I did it on purpose. You know what, Mac? If you really think that, then you don't know me at all."
Mac has recovered from her shock. She begins to speak, "Harm…I didn't…"
I scowl, "Didn't what, Mac?"
"I didn't mean…"
A harsh laugh escapes my throat before I can stop it. "Oh please, Mac. If you didn't mean it, you wouldn't have said it. You know if you want to talk about drawing people in and pushing them aware, then maybe we should talk about you."
A fire kindles behind Mac's eyes. She's getting angry again. I can feel it beginning to radiate, but my normal alert system doesn't seem to be working properly.
"Just what is that supposed to mean?" She asks, her voice developing that familiar edge.
"What do you think it means? You've been acting crazy for days now. You've been abusive and insulting. You've insulted those who call you friend. You've stonewalled anyone who has tried to help you, and if they persist then you attack them. So I ask you who's really doing the pushing here?"
The anger is beginning to dissipate and my voice lowers as I attempt to salvage whatever remains of our friendship.
"We only want to help you Mac, but you won't let us in."
This olive branch does nothing to dissuade Mac, who is now boiling beneath that icy façade that she carries on so well.
"I don't need your help, Harm. I don't need anyone's help." Her voice is steadily getting louder. She turns around and stares out her office window, "You, the Admiral, Clay, why can't everyone just leave me alone?"
I flinch at the mention of Webb's name, but fortunately Mac can't see it with her back to me.
"It's because we care about you, Mac." I say softly. I place a hand on her shoulder, but she angrily shrugs it off.
I give a sigh of resignation, "When you decide to stop hiding. I'll be waiting." I say.
I quickly turn and walk out of the office. I managed to regain my senses, which tell me that there's nothing more I can do here. Mac's shields are in full operation, which means she'll only tell me when she's ready. At least I've said my piece.
I return to my office and go to work. Then I find that I need to go over a detail of the case with Mac. Though I'm dreading having a second confrontation with Mac, I make my way across the bullpen to her office, only to find it empty. I ask Bud if he's seen her. He tells me that Mac said she was on her way to the gym, looking ready to hit something.
I'm not surprised, Mac often goes to workout if she's stressed. This time seems no different. Hmm…that gives me an idea.
I make my way down to the gym and change into my workout clothes. At this time of day, the gym is empty except for Mac, who is attacking the punching bag without mercy when I exit the change room. I stand back and watch her for a moment. She's swinging at the bag, in a flurry of hooks, jabs, punches and side fists, trying to drain the rage out of herself. She's not having much luck. It appears that this particular rage is bottomless.
Even from the other side of the gym, I can feel it radiating off of her, red hot. I've only ever seen her like this one other time, many years ago. We had faced off in court for the second time and I was trying to find her, so I could pass evidence along to her. She was in the gym, completely pissed off and attacking the punching bag with the same fervor. After she had finally managed to cool her self down, that was when she told me about her abusive father. That was one of the first times she truly opened up to me. The way I figure it, if it worked once…
Mac's punches have slowed and she's beginning to pant. Finally she stops and collapses against the bag for support. I walk across the floor and steady the bag for her. She stops leaning against the bag and, when she realizes who it is, sends an icy stare my way.
"Bud told me that you were headed down here." I say.
She only mumbles in reply and begins to hit the bag again.
"What's wrong, Mac?" I ask, choosing, perhaps for the first time in all my experience with Sarah Mackenzie, to get straight to the point.
"Nothing's wrong." She snaps
"You only come down here, when something's eating at you. So I'm asking: what is it?"
She hits the bag one last time with a loud whack and backs away.
"It's none of your concern, Harm. So, just back off." She turns and starts to walk away.
"You've been trying to vent your aggression by taking it out on the punching bag. But it wasn't enough this time, was it?" I ask.
She turns around and just stands there looking at me, her eyes blazing with anger and confusion.
"Hitting a bag isn't enough to get rid of the rage is it? You need more." I start walking towards the mat. I pick up a pair of boxing gloves, sitting on the side and toss it to her.
"So fight me." I tell her.
Mac looks at me as if I've lost my mind. Maybe I have. I reach for another pair of gloves.
"Come on Mac. Admit it. You've been wanting to take a swing at me for days. Well now's your chance."
I walk onto the mat, holding my arms wide.
"Come on Mac, hit me." When she doesn't move I take it a step further, "Come on. I can't believe a marine is afraid to face a squid."
A part of me is wondering if I have a death wish. Unfortunately I don't have much time to wonder, when Mac quickly slips the gloves on and charges at me, with her fists swinging, catching me off guard. She manages to connect her right with my jaw and sends me reeling backwards. I rub my stinging lip and realize that I'm bleeding. Mac quickly starts her next attack, throwing punches at my unprotected mid-section. She's definitely playing for keeps today. She pauses between combos and I dodge to the side of her, ignoring the pain that's radiating throughout my upper body.
"Is that all you've got, Marine?" I ask cheekily.
Bad move. Mac turns sharply to face me, a new fury blazing in her eyes. With a loud roar, she charges at me. I'm able to recover well enough, managing to side step her while she charges at me, unfocussed. I land a good right hook to her head. But it doesn't stop her. In fact she continues on charging at me as if I had missed.
She manages to catch up to me and looses a flurry of punches. While I'm busy blocking for all I'm worth, I get a look at her eyes. They appear strange to me. As opposed to the usual sharp appearance that they usually have, this time they are completely unfocussed. It's almost like she's not really looking at me.
'That's it.' I realize, 'She's not really seeing me. Maybe I can use this.'
"Is this what happened when Sadik got you Mac?" I ask.
For a split second, Mac stops swinging. "What?"
The way I figure it, if I can draw her out, then I can break through. "The CIA cleaned out most of the report, but I managed to piece it together." I reply in between blocks, "So what was it like Mac? What was it like to go up against him?"
"What are you doing Harm?" Mac's punches have started to increase in intensity.
"You went in there and killed him."
Mac doesn't reply. I keep after her.
"You went on a mission for the CIA. You were sent there to capture Sadik. But you didn't want to capture him did you? You didn't want him alive."
"What are you talking about Harm?" Mac growls through clenched teeth, as she swings wildly.
"Revenge, Mac. You went up there and killed him in the name of vengeance. You went up there to get revenge for what he did to you and Clay."
"Stop it Harm!" Mac is screaming. I keep going, I think it's working.
"You went up there and shot him. Did you enjoy it Mac? Did you enjoy sending him to hell for what he did?"
With a cry of fury Mac lunges at me, knocking me to the ground. She comes down on top of my chest and holds me down with her knees, throwing punch after punch at me. Suddenly she stops swinging, I bring my arms down from my face and I realize that she's crying. Her shoulders are shaking as she sobs, silently. She climbs off of me and sits with her back to me. I get up and put my hands on her shoulders. This time she doesn't pull away.
"You were right." She whispered.
"What?"
She shifts around to face me, wiping the tears from her face. "You were right, I did enjoy it."
"What really happened Mac? Tell me."
She looks down, "I…I can't, Harm."
"Come on, Mac," I urge her on, "Don't shut me out now. You have to tell somebody, so tell me."
Mac's expression is defeated as she begins to speak, "Sadik wanted me." She whispered, "I could tell. So I let him see me, as a woman. I didn't cover up. I just took of my coat and dared him to look at me, just to see if he was as pure of thought as he claimed to be."
"So what happened?" I ask, softly.
Mac snorts angrily, "What happened? I'll tell you what happened. He resisted me. He resisted me in a way I wish I'd been able to resist temptation all my life."
I place a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "Temptation is part of life Mac. You can't blame yourself for past mistakes already paid for. Just because he resisted you doesn't mean you aren't a stronger person now, than when you were younger."
Mac shakes her head, "I know…I know…but it's not just that."
I look her square in the eyes, "What else?" I urge her on.
"Sadik was down when I shot him."
I freeze suddenly, beginning to understand what's going on. "What do you mean?"
Mac's eyes have regained some of their fire, while she recounts the event, "He was on his back, his gun was several feet away, and he was wounded in the shoulder, he couldn't fire."
Suddenly it all dawns on me. The behaviour, the anger, everything. Mac shot a man who was unarmed. She didn't just kill him, she murdered him and she's not sorry she did it. However, no matter how evil this man was, the fact that she can commit such a cold-blooded act without even the slightest trace of remorse is gnawing at her.
Add that to the fact that she feels she has no one to turn to and it's little wonder she's been acting the way she has.
"Why do you think you did it?"
Mac shook her head, "I didn't do it because I thought he was a threat. I did because…" She hesitates, "Because he hurt someone I love."
As much as I'd like to say "I love you too", I can't because I know she's not talking about me. I tense up, and feel the warmth begin to leave my body. Mac notices my sudden change in posture and looks up at me with curiosity written upon her face.
"What's wrong, Harm?" She asks. Her deep brown eyes have regained their usual sharpness.
I turn my head away, fixing my gaze on some random point in the room.
"Nothing. I hope you've told Clay how you feel." I say, in a voice I know sounds hollow.
I turn my head back to look at her. Her eyes are filled with sadness, but it's a different kind of sadness from the one that occupied them a few short moments ago.
"Clay and I are finished." She tells me.
"Then who?" I ask, wondering who she's seeing, and how I never found out about it.
She looks at me, with a conviction that I've rarely seen. "You." She whispers.
For the second time today, I'm floored. I don't know whether to shout for joy, or die of shock. I may do both. Mac takes my silence to be rejection and starts to back away. Before she can do it. I grab her and kiss her quickly. Before she can speak I hold up my hand.
"The feeling is very mutual." I tell her.
It's her turn to look shocked. When the shock clears, for the first time today, I see the beginning of a smile on her face. I pull her towards me and hold her tight.
"We'll get through this, Mac. I promise. We'll get through this, together."
We part, and she looks up at me, now smiling fully.
"Thank you, Harm." She tells me. Her expression turns sombre. "And I'm sorry."
I smile, "It's all right. Can we do one thing, though?"
"What's that?" She asks, curious.
"Can we get off this mat. I'm starting to get cold. Besides, people are going to start wondering where we are."
Mac laugh, another first for today. "Deal Flyboy."
As we get off the mat and head towards the exit, I put my arm around Mac. We've still got a few details to iron out, but I think that we're going to be all right.
The End.