Disclaimer: Only borrowing.

Spoilers: Through Season Two

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who's reading.

Finally he pulled out a collection of Chicago cd's, remembering as he did watching the Karate Kid and getting a little misty as he heard Peter Cetera's voice singing about the love…not that this was a memory he would ever share, and in fact, it had been in The Vault until that very moment. He turned around sharply; ensuring that no one was bearing witness to his touching of anything 80's related before opening the set.

He picked a cd from the sleeve at random and placed it in the tray before situating himself in the chair at his dad's desk. He laid his head back as the cd loaded. As the first few songs played he amused himself by imagining an infant every time the word 'baby' was used, and a giant letter 'U' danced through his head as well and then came a medley of songs he remembered from the days before he asserted control over the car stereo. As they played he reminded himself to Look Away, and then asked What Kind of Man Would I Be? before affirming that I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love, but asked himself afterwards if maybe he was better off and could, in fact, live without them.

He must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew he saw himself and Ryan driving around together, and he was thirsty but apparently so was Ryan because they both reached for the can of soda in the holder at the same time, and their hands touched, but instead of letting go Ryan threaded his fingers in with Seth's. Seth turned to Ryan and smiled at him, and felt himself blush at the answering smile he saw.

Then suddenly they were laying on the beach, and Seth was trying to touch Ryan, but he couldn't, there was like this force field and it was so thick and Seth knew that it couldn't be good to be enclosed in a bubble like that, I mean, Newport was enough of a bubble for anyone, and Ryan just laid on his back watching Seth, one hand tracing lazy circles on his stomach. Then Ryan smiled and there was like this surge within Seth and he made a final desperate leap, knowing nothing but it was the most important thing in the world to get to Ryan.

Just when Seth broke through the bubble he fell into his own bed, and he turned over to see Ryan next to him, hair sticking up in all directions, sleepily asking him if he was okay. Seth tried to focus, and he nodded his head. Ryan lay back down and Seth just watched him for a second before leaning down to brush his lips across Ryan's, just for the briefest of moments.

He jolted awake, alert and aroused and annoyed. As he looked around his ears caught the tail end of the song currently playing.

You come to my senses
I can't stop this ache inside
Oh, I have no defenses
You come to my senses
Oh Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah...

He hit the back button to restart the song, hoping to explain away the bizarre dream. But as he listened to the lyrics he couldn't help the images of Ryan that this time consciously accompanied the words.

You come to my senses
Every time I close my eyes
I have no defenses
You come to my senses
I can't stop this ache inside
Oh, I have no defenses

Oh, I picture you in my arms
And the touch of your skin
The smile on your face
The way that you taste

Seth groaned as the image of tasting Ryan swept through him. That was going to keep him up for hours. As looked down at his lap he grimaced at his unconscious pun. He was going to be 'up' all right. Why couldn't the thought of tasting Ryan gross him out like it did for…hmmm…okay, this was a bit difficult.

He didn't know anyone who would actually admit to that thought being gross, except maybe Luke or Zach. But when you thought about it Zach gave up on Summer pretty easily really so he figured he should stick with Luke for this analogy, and actually, while he was at it, he should forget he thought of Summer because he was sure she would be highly offended to discover he was in the state he was in due to 'Chino' and not her. Or she would be really turned on…with Summer, you just never knew.

So he went back to his previous thought before realizing that he was intentionally going back to thoughts of tasting Ryan, instead of allowing himself to be distracted by thoughts of Summer. That freaked him out so he decided to just go up to his room, take care of his little problem, and then try to read, draw, or something until it was time to give Ryan his medicine.

As he looked down at himself again he thought it might be best to allow his dad to take the medicine out. He stopped the cd player and went to the door before turning around, walking back, ejecting the disc and marching out the door with it dangling from his finger.

So that had been the start of what now was a nightly ritual. When he was sure everyone else was asleep he came down to the den to listen to Chicago and think of Ryan. Usually he'd start the session by fervently thinking as many non-sexual thoughts as possible where Ryan was concerned.

He replayed their friendship over and over, moment by moment. But inevitably he'd come to some innocuous flash of something they'd done together, and he'd think to himself "Actually, that was kind of hot" and then the floodgates were open and soon Seth was overheated and harder than he'd ever remembered being. If all else failed the moment would come when he re-lived the first time he'd ever walked in on Ryan while he was changing. Which was odd considering the lack of physical reaction at the time. But now Seth thinks it could have been a delayed reaction thing.

He tried to think of other things, non-Ryan things, and sometimes he actually managed it, and no one was more surprised than Seth.

Sometimes he wondered if he were gay, but the thought of Summer in a bikini still did it for him so he figured it maybe was a Ryan-only thing. And maybe it was only a phase. Didn't they say that a lot of people experimented with their sexuality in college? Well maybe Seth was just early, ahead of the curve for once.

Not that Seth was likely to begin acting on any of this, he clarified yet again. While the past few weeks had maybe possibly in someway given him a desire to, he was way too into the friendship he and Ryan had to even think of crossing any sort of line.

No sir, the line was drawn. And it wasn't a really wimpy line in the sand that could just disappear if you so much as sneezed on it. No, this was like a line a prisoner would carve into the solid concrete of his cell wall to mark the days. It was deep, it took time to be made, and it was for all eternity. Or at least until erosion happened or a bulldozer of some sort came trotting along looking for something to knock down.

But it would be nice, Seth thought, to see the other side of the line. If Seth was being honest with himself (and no one was currently around so he figured 'what the heck') then he already could not imagine life without Ryan. He planned every day, no, actually, his whole life, around him. He planned on being Ryan's roommate in college, and could see them living together in an apartment after that.

Seth got up to pace as he thought about this. The weird thing was that he didn't consciously plan for anything to happen, as a rule, ever. And this really wasn't an exception; it just became one of those things that he couldn't ever remember not thinking before.

He couldn't see living with Summer…ever. She had too many issues (not that he didn't but at least his didn't potentially involve accidentally-on-purpose maiming someone.) And while once upon a time he maybe would have thought about Anna as a potential life mate the reality was that they were way too much alike. He couldn't stand to be around himself all the time, how did he think he could live with two of him?

It struck Seth that having a clone would really come in handy in this scenario. The clone could feel Ryan up, er, out about the whole shift in feelings thing. He could be like "Hey, um, dude, so I know this may be coming out of the blue and all but I was just wondering if I could just like…kiss you? I'll make it real quick, I promise. It's to help in a scientific experiment, and you're all about helping out mankind, aren't you? I know you are, and that's why I've come on to you…I mean come to you."

And then if Ryan decided to go all old school he could beat the clone up and then he'd see Seth bruise-free and demand an explanation and Seth could play dumb and apologize for the clone, because it obviously has a defect and Seth has learned his lesson and will never order a clone from the back of a cereal box ever again.

So the only downside to this plan, lack of clone aside, is what happens if Ryan did not go all eye for an eye. What if Ryan like kissed Seth back? Then Seth has to not only get rid of the clone (because seriously, the clone has officially over-stayed its welcome) but then he has to pretend the next time it happens that he remembers what it was like before.

And somehow Seth doesn't think that if he ever did kiss Ryan he'd be able to forget it, let alone pretend it already happened.

Seth plunked himself back down in the chair with a dramatic sigh, and lifted his feet up onto the desk. This whole thing of course was irrelevant anyway seeing as Ryan had a tendency to go for the ladies.

Allowing himself to be distracted by thoughts of women he inwardly cheered like a pom-pom girl for a moment before getting down to some serious rumination of Ryan's relationships. He thought about Marissa, Theresa, and Lindsay. The one thing they all had in common was the fact that they needed Ryan. And really, it was that need that seemed to attract Ryan to the relationship. It was definitely what kept him in the relationships long past the time he should have bailed, that's for sure.

It suddenly struck him that all of those girls had kissed Ryan, and Ryan had kissed them back, held them…touched them. Huh, I wonder what that's like? flew through his head before he could censor it. Before the thoughts of Ryan touching anyone in any way threatened to make him go crazy he skipped ahead to the next track and closed his eyes.

There were so many downsides to this routine that Seth was hard-pressed to know where to begin listing them, although if he actually thought about it discovery by anyone was really at the top of his list.

But the one upside was that Chicago really wasn't popular so he wasn't likely to suddenly be confronted by a daytime encounter with Ryan and Chicago at the same time. Which was a blessing because he wasn't sure he'd be able to explain away the arousal.

Not that he was inherently opposed to ending his nights with an orgasm; in fact, given a poll he'd probably say that was a top choice.

And yet he was deathly afraid that he'd never be able to have that…hmmm…sense of fulfillment?...anymore without thoughts of Ryan. Because he'd read this article once about it taking like 21 times for something to become a habit, and he was like on…what was he on? He took a moment to rejoice both in the fact that he hadn't actually been keeping count (that had to be good, right?) and that he couldn't possibly be near 21 times yet.

And then he groaned as he realized that he had used the word "yet." Meaning that subconsciously at least he thought this wasn't over.

end chapter two