The One Where Mission: Fuglification Begins

Disclaimer: Still don't own Naruto. Still not making any money off of them. Still crazy . . .um. TMI?

Warnings: Brief mention of Cross-Dressing!Sasuke. But all's fair in love and war, right?

Pairings: SasuNaru

As many times as Naruto showed up to school naked that week, one would think that the teachers would have done something about it. After they managed to staunch the flow of blood from their noses, of course. And stemmed the copious amounts of spit trickling from their disengaged jaws. And found replacement eyeballs that wouldn't leave their masters for every smexy thing that crossed their field of vision.

Alas, but it's so hard to find good, loyal, unperverted eyeballs these days.

But then when some of the teachers did finally do something about the very distracting nekkid-Naruto situation, Sasuke was not at all happy with the results.

In his opinion, the security cameras were not meant for such purposes.

This, of course, did not stop him from buying the tapes.

Sasuke knew that buying the tapes was wrong. He understood that doing so probably contributed to the propagation of the overarching social problem of making people into sexual objects and thereby effectively reducing both their concepts of themselves as individuals whose value goes far beyond the physical, as well as the objectifiers' concept of the existence of evaluative qualities other than the physical.

To demonstrate his understanding, Sasuke always made sure to wear a dress and a wig when he snuck into the boiler room to retrieve his copy of the tapes. He didn't want to be known as a contributor to the social problem of sexual objectification.

But the cross-dressing was enough to relieve Sasuke of any lingering cognitive dissonance, so it was not this that caused him unhappiness. What caused him unhappiness was that so. many. other. PEOPLE! were also buying the tapes. So far he'd witnessed Sakura, Ino, Hinata, insert random girl's name here, insert another here, another one here, dammit, just add ten more here, Gaara, Neji, Lee, insert guy's name here, and you know the drill all sneaking into the boiler room.

For the boy with the average crush, this would not have presented a problem. The tapes were actually pretty innocent (if one just turned a blind eye to the fact that they were made without the subject's consent) and not at all pornographic (that they inspired pornographic behavior is entirely besides the point).

For Sasuke, however, the situation did indeed give rise to problematic (read: swirling, chaotic, crazy-mad, homicidal) feelings. The kind of feelings that made him twitch.

Something was fast becoming clear to Sasuke: He needed to put his competition out of the running.

He bowed his head. It would mean taking drastic measures. It would mean changing some people's lives forever. God forgive me, but I have to do this. I want him so much. Even though it may mean hurting some people, I have to—I have to make them unattractive to Naruto! I have to make them fugly!

"Ninmu ryoukai," Sasuke whispered.

"Hey, that's my line! Omae o korosu!"

"Oh, go fuck Duo, Heero."

" . . .Ninmu ryoukai."

Author's note: Sorry it's so short, but I seem to only be able to write in bursts. Please review. I need attention like I need air.