Mission: Gaara Fuglification

Disclaimer: Naruto, Sasuke, Gaara, and Gaara's sand do not belong to me. If they did, I would never, EVER share!

Rating: PG-15 for several sick innuendos

Pairings: SasuNaru, GaaNaru crushage, SasuGaa's sand?

Date/Time Initiated: 25 Dec 0801

Date/Time Terminated: 25 Dec 0830

Report:

Am v. disappointed in self. Took self thirty seconds to remember how fugly Lee is. This is thirty seconds self has wasted and will never get back.

Moving on.

Have moved this mission to top of hit list due to self's suspicion that G. really really likes N. Suspicion is justified by self's observation that G will NOT STOP eye-fucking N.

Current plan involves stabbing G's eyes out with poison-tipped kunai. This would definitely result in fuglifying G, self feels.

. . .However, self remembers that N. does not seem to like excessive violence. Self is also terrified that N also likes G, which is another reason why this mission is TOP PRIORITY. Self has begun to compare self to G. What could G have that self doesn't? What is it about G that could make G seem more attractive than self to N?

It can't be the pale skin, for self also has pale skin. It can't be that G is short, for self is also short (but won't be for long, dammit, if Father's height and that man's height is any indication of height self will be in the future! . . .dammit.)

Could it be the red hair? Self has noticed that N seems to like people with unusual features, like Sakura with her pink hair and Hinata with her pale eyes. Perhaps plan should involve shaving G's head? Perhaps self should dye hair? Maybe blue, to match N's blue eyes?

. . .Self has just realized how girly self just sounded.

(written about ten minutes later at 0813)

Self has stumbled onto amazing discovery! Self was walking around, thinking of N . . .err, no one . . .and happened to catch sight of G leaning over bridge looking down at the water. Though self had intense urge to push G into the water, self hid behind a large rock, instead. G had some sort of thin black writing instrument in his hand and was using it to . . .draw around his eyes! Once self realized what G was doing, almost wet self!

Apparently, the dark smudges around G's eyes are NOT, in fact, rings of exhaustion due to staying awake all the time because of Shukaku.

Now self has brilliant plan and only needs to find a water balloon . . .

(written at 0813 and fifteen seconds)

Dammit! Have just been severely molested by G's sand! Oh, it's SO on, now!

(written at 0820)

Mission was complete success.

End report.

Gaara checked his reflection in water once more, then nodded in satisfaction. The use of facial paint was something taught to him by Kankuro, who explained that make-up was actually an effective distraction technique. Especially on boys, he'd said with a smirk.

Unfortunately, Kankuro only had large supplies of purple facial paint, which clashed horribly with Gaara's red hair, so Gaara secretly ordered little pots of black kohl from Avon.

Gaara frowned. Something that sounded suspiciously like muffled sniggering was coming from behind that conveniently placed large rock . . .He wanted to investigate, but he was afraid to confirm that someone was actually there. If anyone had been watching him and discovered his secret . . .

He should investigate, he should. Ninjas knew no fear.

. . .Or maybe he didn't need to investigate. Maybe his sand could do it for him. Gaara sent out a thin tendril of sand to poke around behind the rock and was horrified to hear rustling noises and a muffled squeak. He hardened the sand and formed it into the shape of a stick in order to beat whoever was behind the rock. Scowling fiercely, Gaara thrust out with the sand and heard a loud squawk of surprise. Now thoroughly alarmed, Gaara swallowed his mortification and ran over to the rock . . .

But there was no one there.

Snarling to himself, Sasuke rubbed at his butt. Damn Gaara and his damn phallic sand! At the moment, he actually wanted revenge on that pasty, make-up-wearing freak even more than he wanted revenge on that man.

As he crouched on the rooftop of the ramen shop, Sasuke thought about the plan he'd set into motion. It was quite simple, really. Part of being a ninja involved knowing people's weaknesses. Using Gaara's weakness (clearly, Naruto, considering how the pasty, make-up-wearing freaking would NOT STOP eyefucking him) and Naruto's weakness (ramen), Sasuke had slipped two notes under two doors. According to his timetable, Naruto and Gaara would be showing up at the ramen shop in three . . .two . . .

"Hey, Gaara!"

"Naruto. Uzumaki."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. Good ol' Gaara. He inched forward and peered over the ledge of the rooftop at the two ninjas below him. The water balloon (so helpfully provided by Konohamaru) wobbled in his hand.

Okay, considering the fact that the wind is traveling at 0.7 mph, and that the balloon will reach a terminal velocity of 9.8 meters per seconds squared, as well as the fact that Gaara is standing approximately 4.13 feet away from and 20 feet below this ledge, not to mention the fact that Gaara will NOT STOP eyefucking Naruto!

With his usual precision, Sasuke dropped the water balloon precisely on top of Gaara's unsuspecting head.

There was an extremely high-pitched meep, and then several seconds of dead silence.

Then, "Whooooa. Um, you know, maybe I'm not that hungry after all." Naruto ran off.

Sasuke sorely wanted to jump down and laugh in Gaara's face, but then realized that he didn't really want to see what could make Naruto lose his appetite for ramen.

Author's Note: How was that? I wrote it very quickly, because SOME of you (oh, you know who you are!) have insisted very strongly that I update. (Very, very sorry this is so late, you-know-who. Happy belated New Year's!) Please read and review.