ANIME FUN WITH HAMA 
ANIME FUN WITH HAMA!
(Now with Extra Insanity!)
written by
Kairi "Shadow Sage" Taylor and MisaoChen



Author's Note: This is a side story to the series that my friend Anita came up with. It's cleaned up much nicer from the original.)

ANIME FUN WITH HAMA! (Now with Extra Insanity!)

written by:

MisaoChen & Shadow Sage

Disclaimer: OK, OK, look, neither MisaoChen or the Shadow Sage (Known as

Anita & Kairi) own none of the characters within this tale. No, we don't.

Wish we did, but we don't. As you know, this is her very first fanfic &,

well darn it, I was hoping she'd come to me for advice. Well, I asked if I

can rewrite this tale for her & she gave me the big Ok. I won't actually be

changing too much, I'm adding some stuff. Well, we hope you enjoy this mind

numbing fic.

MisaoChen sat back in her comfy chair after completing her

assignment.Instead of going to school that week, MisaoChen joined a program

called "Co-op" which allowed students to work one week, and go to school the

next week.

"What a view " MisaoChen sighed as she looked out of the window. Not only did

she get a great job in Manhattan working at a bank, but she also got her own

desk and a sprawling view of the Big Apple. She could see the buildings,

sometimes a plane flying in, and one of the living weapons from Final

Fantasy 7 hovering about.

"WHAT!" MisaoChen yelled falling off her chair. " No way!"

Then the unbelievable happened: the weapon was being chased by Sailor Moon,

riding on a winged horse and whining about justice and how she couldn't

forgive the weapon for attacking Manhattan. (Kairi's note: Is there any

chance she'll ever cut to the chase & open a can o' whoop ass on her foes?)

"Man can this get any weirder?"

Suddenly, both the weapon and Sailormoon was blown away by an up close &

very personal attack from NEO BAHAMUT.

(Anita's note: I know he doesn't come to the enemies but I wanted him to

make a special exception for Sailormoon...) The multi winged dragon

screeched in triumph as Sailor moon's steed staggered off while she mu,bled

"No Darien, I don't think it looks that good on you..."

"Watch them sizzle!" Jubilee smiled in a rather gleeful yet mischevious

fashion.

MisaoChen turned her head towards Jubilee, who had just entered the office.

She was wearing her usual clothes and had her sunglasses on.

"Haven't seen you since Kairi's last adventure" MisaoChen said to Jubilee

(Author's note: I was in Kairi's "Jubilee's Revenge". And yes my name is

Anita.)

"Yeah and this time we really will drive Hama to the edge" Jubilee said with

a scary, almost murderous determination,

"I thought he was committed. How'd he show up again?" Anita asked.

"The morons at Marvel hired him again! Somehow he got better!" Jubilee

explained. "Somehow I knew everything was too perfect."

"So what do you need me for?" MisaoChen asked almost afraid of the answer.

"Aw, don't worry 'bout it, just thinking maybe ya want to tag along and

watch Hama suffer again" Jubilee cheerfully replied. "Right now, Little

Washu sent Hama on a trip Nermia!"

"You mean...." MisaoChen's eyes widened as a evil smile broke on her face,

the sunlight reflecting off her glasses.

Jubilee revealed her most evil smile yet. "Ranma and company are welcoming

him now."

Kairi, having just survived Washu's latest experiment, decided to visit the

Tendo dojo again. In his rather exhausted state, he thought to himself

'Maybe,just maybe, I'll have a quiet, if not normal rest from the real

world. Then again it's the Tendo's'. After having to deal with his part of

the agreement with Washu (See "Jubilee's Revenge") He wanted any kind of

rest! "I just hope the others don't get wind of this." He sighed as he

turned the corner, carefully avoiding the old lady that tossed water out onto

her garden. "Just what I need, to continue my journey as Kitsune-kun."

(Kairi's note: I finally came up with a name for my cursed fox form. Cute,

ne?)

"Hama no Baka!"

Kairi froze in his tracks when he reached the Tendo's doorstep. (That voice

came from the dojo. That's Akane!)

"The hell!" Kairi yelled, dropping his backpack. "Did I just hear Hama"!"

"Yo Kairi!"

Kairi turned around. It was Jubilee and Anita, who just arrived from the

city.

"Hi Jubilee! Hey An-"

"MisaoChen!" MisaoChen interrupted. "In this silly fanfiction I'm MisaoChen

not Anita!"

"Hey, whatever works. What the hell is going on here?" Kairi asked. "Didn't

we already mess up Hama up to the point where he's beyond sane, or at least

crazy enough to watch 2 hours of WCW Nitro?"

"Yeah, but this time we're making SURE he stays insane!!" Jubilee replied

with heroic determination.

(So much for that peaceful rest!) Kairi thought, not being at all pleased

that their previous attempts were somewhat less than ideal. (At least I get

to watch Hama get his ass whooped again!)

Hama, bruised & somewhat despondent, looked like he had seen better days.

First after taking his old job back at Marvel (which shows the amount of

intelligence in managment today) he was torn away from his

office and sent to place that looks like Japan but in an anime form. He also

concluded that he was in an anime world because because Mousse came at him

with a crapload of sharp weapons at top speed, more than he usually carried.

At the same time, Shampoo gave chase with her bonbari and yelled "Die Hama!"

chasing him while swinging at Hama's head. Huffing and buffing, Hama ran for

his life, muttering "I swear to Kami-Sama himself, I'd rather work for DC

than ever endure this again!" But unfortunatley he bumped into Ryoga,

causing the always lost martial artist to fall into a nearby pond turning

him into a black piglet. Hama for a minute just stared in awe. Never in his

life did he see anything like that. "Geez, the giant talking weasel's

bizarre enough, but THIS?" Just as Hama was about to continue running,Akane

came from the Tendo Dojo, saw Hama & P-Chan in the pond, put two & two

together & screamed "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY P-CHAN?!?!" (In case you

don't watch Ranma 1/2, P-Chan, aka Ryoga, is Akane's pet)

Before Hama could react, he was sent on a first class trip through the dojo

roof, care of Akane's fist.

Jubilee, MisaoChen, and Kairi watched in twisted glee at all the things

being done to him by Akane, who was still seriously angry. As she repeatedly

slammed Hama into the ground, Hama made the king of all errors. Grovelling

on the floor, Hama gasped "Uncute tomboy." The next thing Hama knew, his

face was driven right through the floor into the dirt below. A few seconds

later, Ranma's foot would give Hama's chiropractor some serious work to do.

"Hey, if anybody's gonna call that unappealing girl uncute around here,

it's me!" Ranma yelled. A split second later, he realized his error. He

didn't have to turn around to know that Akane was a glowing an unearthly

blue aura, holding a particul;arly heavy wooden cabinet.

"This'll hurt."

As the cabinet broke over Ranma's head, Emma walked in, arms folded.

"Oh great, you!" Hama spat out, what do you want with me now?"

"The team would REALLY like to thank you for all the effort you've put

into nearly destroying our credibility." Emma stated. "We didn't think our

previous efforts were so convincing, so we need to be more...blunt shall I

say?"

Hama gulped, knowing how vengeful Emma could be. MisaoChen and Kairi

looked at each other. "OH BOY!"

First Penance (or Monet's twin sister or some other twisted plotline

Hama wrote) came slashing at Hama, completely tearing off his pants to reveal

a pair of boxers with little devils on them. Then attacked Sean using his

sonic scream on Hama. Basically, he yelled "YA NOTHIN' BUT A TALENTLESS

WORM BRAINED EUNICH!!!"

"Somehow that makes sense." Jubilee mused

Emma concentrated and gave Hama a horrible vision, something that no

human mind could withtand-- Barney and his friends singing "I

Love You" in stereo, with a full orchestra, backed up by L. Brent Bozell &

several members of the PTC. (Kairi's note: try to censor my wrestling will

ya?! FEEL THE WRATH OF A PISSED OFF WRITER YOU FOOLS!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

As Hama writhed in agony, Kairi said to Emma "Err, can we talk?

In the dining room, Kasumi sat & set several bowls of miso soup down as

MisaoChen asked "Whatever possesed you to use BARNEY?" Emma shrugged her

shoulders & replied "Oh, I could have used any image to torture him. Like

blood sucking leeches on his chest or rabid dogs at his heels or Kairi

playing an air guitar in his boxers while singing 'Enter Sandman'..."

"Hey!" Kairi protested. "No offense Kairi, but paisly boxers are not

you." Emma smiled. "Wait a sec how'd ya....Nabiki." Kairi groaned.

"Someone mention me?" Nabiki asked as she sat down at the table.

"Nabiki, I think it's time you tell him what you did." Kasumi said to her

sister. "Oh, you mean about the last time he stayed here?" Nabiki raised an

eyebrow. "Don't tell me you didn't figure it out?"

Kairi's face flushed red as he prayed in his mind, 'Kami-Sama, PLEASE

tell me she didn't do what I think she did'. "Um, what did you do?"

"I took a few pictures of you while you were here. Actually I take a

lot of pictures of those other guys as well, but you were the easiest to

take secret pictures of. Let's just say that Ev & you look VERY nice in

boxers." (Somewhere at the academy, Ev sneezed.)

"NANI?!" The look of embarrasment on Kairi's face became prominent as

he asked "Just how many of these 'pics' did you sell?"

"A lot." Looking around the table, Kairi noticed that Emma slyly smiled

to herself & Nabiki & Jubilee began to giggle. Kasumi just had that plesant

smile as she always had, so Kairi automatically KNEW that she'd never do

such a thing. He turned to MisaoChen...& received a foot in his face.

"BAKA YAROU! Just what kinda hentai do you think I am?!"

"Good point." Kairi turned to Nabiki. "Ok, just as long as you didn't

sell any of those pics to You-Know-Who, I'm happy."

"Well, she bought the bulk of them. But you see there were the other

pictures she wanted & well---"

"WHAT other pictures?"

"I kinda caught you in the shower." Kairi facefaulted, wondering if it

was too late to hide in a convent. He didn't even flinch as he felt Yuffie

glomp onto him as she sat next to him "Any other surprises you wanna shock

me with?"

"Is it me or am I the only one who's really happy right now?" Yuffie

beamed.

Soun & Genma entered the living room as Soun noted "Now what is this

all about?" Hama was laying on the floor, drooling as he repeated the song

over & over. "Poor creature, looks like he's been through the very depths of

hell itself...wait, no it's just Hama."

"You know," soun started "Washu did say she needed to find a test

subject for her experiment in interacting with devenomized giant Juraian

Waterbats."

"Not a bad idea." Genma agreeded. "I'll make the call."

MisaoChen sat on the couch, sipping her green tea at the Tendo's house

pondering about what happened that day. 'Oh well at least the Gen-X team is

happy', she mused as she watched Sasami compete on Iron Chef. Nearby Kairi

was talking with Ranma. "Ya know, for being a great martial artist, how can

you be so stupid when it comes to women?"

"What do ya mean?" Ranma asked. "You know you're gonna get the hell

beat outta you every time you insult Akane, yet you go & blurt it out. You

got a appetite for pain or something?"

"Yes Ranma," Akane asked as she appeared behind him. "Why can't you say

one nice thing about me?" A sweatdrop appeared on Ranma's forehead as he

said to Kairi "Speaking of big mouths, how many people havbe died because of

your honesty, Kairi?"

"You don't wanna know."

"At least I'm on vacation and I have a interesting view in front of

me". MisaoChen smiled, watching Akane chase Ranma with a giant mallet around

and Ranma chasing Kairi yelling "This is all your fault she's chasing me you

idiot!"

"ME? Yor're the one who just said that she might be upgraded from

uncute to barely appealing in a thousand years!!"

As Mihoshi & Angelo walked on the streets of Nerima, Angelo asked

"Don't worry, Mousse will be out of the hospital in a few days."

"I know, but why would he ever mistake that pack of steroid induced

chihuahuas for a bunch of bunnies?"

"Hey, hombre's lucky he can even walk right now." Their conversation

was interupted as Kairi suddenly burst through the wooden gate they walked

in front of. "Oh, hey!" he gasped.

"Wow, you look really stressed out," Mihoshi noted. "Did you have a bad

day?"

A giant budda statue broke over Kairi's head as he said "Well, now that

you mention it, things have been rather normal."

"Geez, could you get me into any more trouble than usual?" Ranma asked

Kairi.

"Eh, Ranma?"

"Yeah?"

"What were you running from? Or, specifically WHO?"

"KUSO!"

A few seconds later Ranma was sent screeching into the skies over

Nerima as Akane's mallet lay smoking on the ground. "By the way, I heard

about what oneechan did." Akane said. "I'll make sure that she gives you

half the yen she made"

"What did she do?" Angelo inquiered "Oh, don't play around Angelo,"

Mihoshi said. "I'm sure they already know you helped Nabiki take the

pictures."

"EXCUSE ME?!?" Akane & Kairi yelled

"I mean it not like Kairi's not ashamed or anything, I mean the burn

scars on your chest really don't seem that bad!* Of course the shower

pictures kinda made me blush--" Angelo's eyes twitch as Mihoshi described

what she saw in all 22 photos, noting every detail, adding to Kairi's

mixture of rage & embarrassment. As Mihoshi finished, Angelo asked "Uh,

you're not gonna do what I think you're about to do are you." Kairi's left

eye glowed red. "Angelo, you're insured right?"

Try to imagine the sound of a F-16 breaking the sound barrier. The

noise that Kairi made as he kicked Angelo to the farthest island around

Japan was louder.

"My, how he flies." Mihoshi noted. "But how did Yuffie get here so

quickly?" Yuffie had once again latched onto Kairi as she said "Hey, love

propelled me."

"Sure it's not the other L word?" Akane laughed. "Wanna go to Ukyo's?"

"Sure. Wanna go Mihoshi?"

"Ok!"

As the group went on their way, Kairi sighed &, for the moment

defeated, put a arm around Yuffie. 'Can't run all the time from her' he

thought 'But I sure as hell tried.'

*In reality, I do have some burn scars on my right arm as well as part of my

chest.This is what happens when 3 year olds get near boilng kettles of

water. There's yer safety lesson for the day kids, now let me sleep!

ZZZZZZZZZZ.........