Author's note:
A Hobbit carol, sung to the tune of "Good King Wenceslas."

Gaffer Cotman

Gaffer Cotman ventured out
In the Yuletide season
Thought the snow lay deep about
Still he found it pleasing.
Brightly shone the sun above
As he piled his snow wall
Safe from cold with knitted gloves
Making all his snowballs.

Daddy Longbanks wandered by
Going to the tavern
Gaffer Cotman then let fly
Safe within his cavern.
What a mighty fight began
Between these two old friends
"Try to hit me if you can,
And I will make you amends."

So spoke Daddy Longbanks loud,
As he dodged and bellowed.
Gaffer Cotman was not cowed –
Age had not him mellowed.
Thus it stood all afternoon
Till the sun was setting.
News had spread through village soon
And a crowd was betting.

Suddenly a cry arose,
Ceased the two from squabble
Goody Cotman's pointed nose
Led her to the rabble.
"Leave off, foolish husband mine,
Leave the scene of battle –
If you'd be a child of nine,
I'll find you a rattle."

Goody took him by the ear,
Sent him homeward running,
Though he said to her, "My dear,
'Twas just a Yuletide funning."
Therefore, gaffers, if you seek
Yuletide fun in your lives
Mind you act all mild and meek
Lest you anger your goodwives.