The Horrors of CLASS QUESTS

Duo Jagan: HAPPPPYYY HALLOWEEEENNNNN! Oh wait its January, go figure. How long has it been since I updated? Well at any rate sorry to make you wait. I haven't found the time to take all 9 classes and do a quest for each one yet.

Well we all know the horrors of class quests, and its high time someone published what goes on in these vexing quests.

Shaman

Bloodhorn: "Must…..complete…quest….for water totem….must….stand…up……"

Bloodhorn was crawling through the barrens. I do mean crawling. He was searching for someone who was suppose to be just south of Booty bay.

Pirate: "aye look ere, looks like steak"

Talking Raptor: "Yes, but it smells disgusting, throw it in the ocean I'm not gonna eat that,"

The two creeps pushed Bloodhorn into the ocean, Bloodhorn was lucky and was floated to a small camp that was on the edge of a cliff. There he found the person he was trying to hand the quest into. This is where you get to see Bloodhorn get tortured.

Bloodhorn: "OMFG! The person I had to find was on the edge of the rift facing the ocean, that I couldn't possible see by land! What the hell?"

Quest person: "It gets even better! Now you have to find Brine! Who is even HARDER to find."

Bloodhorn: "Where is this Brine you speak of?"

Quest person: "Southern Barrens."

Blood horn looked at his map, the top half was marked barrens and the bottom half was marked south Barrens.

Bloodhorn: THAT'S ALL OF THE INFORMATION YOUR GIVING ME!

Quest giver: "Yes I like tormenting people"

After another 5 months Bloodhorn finally came across Brine

Bloodhorn: "I'm finally here, now look Brine can I have the water staff or not?"

Brine: "No first you must get me water from that small puddle over there." Brine pointed to a small pool of water that the scorpions were taking a bath in."

Bloodhorn: "scorpions are taking baths in that its poisonous."

Brine- "GET IT!"

Bloodhorn: "Fine fine, if you want to die so be it I am NOT stopping you! But at the same time I'm not getting it for you either."

Brine- "Why not!"

Bloodhorn- "ITS TWO FEET AWAY FROM YOU U CAN GET TI YOURSELF!"

Brine: "Get it! Or no water totem for you!" Bloodhorn was already starting down the hill. However the scorpions thought that Bloodhorn was spying on them while bathing so they ganked and killed him. It took 5 minutes for Bloodhorn to get back with the water.

Bloodhorn: "there now can I have the totem?"

Brine: "No first you must go to Tarren mill across the word, and get some dead water from the middle of their dead town in a dead town filled with dead corpses in a well filled with dead corpses."

Bloodhorn: "You want me to go across the world to get you some dead water?"

Brine: "Yes."

Bloodhorn: "Fine whatever."

Bloodhorn went to Tarren mill, however the alliance was planning their usual, 24/7 non stop raid of Tarren mill. Fortunately, Bloodhorn was able to use his pet Gnome as bait while he grabbed a bottle of water and ran out of the town. It is rather odd that the alliance would kill the gnome distraction, but even more odd that a Tauren would have a pet gnome in the first place. Most people prefer to use them as door stops not pets. However Bloodhorn had accidentally set his hearth to Tarren mill, so he was killed by the alliance raiding party. He eventually hi-jacked a gryphon and rode it back to the Barrens.

Bloodhorn- "There I got your god damned dead water! Anything else you want me to get?"

Brine- "Yes in Ashenvail there is a murky, fowl water, that is so fowl and full of sewage it gives birth to living elementals. I want you to get me a bit of that water"

Bloodhorn- "This better be the last pouch of water I have to get."

Bloodhorn walked up to Ashenvail, found the sewage that Brine was talking about, and learned the hard way that by "that gives birth to elementals" meant give birth to lvl 24-26 elementals who like steak. Bloodhorn eventually pulled the, revive at water, fill pouch, then hearth back before elementals saw him.

Sadly thought his Hearth was still set to Tarren mill, so he found himself in the middle of the alliance raiding party. All of the alliance Gryphons were out partying so Bloodhorn stole a gnome and used it as a swimming mount to get back to the barrens.

Brine- "hey nice mount, but I usually use gnomes as door stops."

Bloodhorn- "Man the author has been very offensive to gnomes recently hasn't he?"

Brine- "Yah well they are pretty much useless, except as calculators."

Bloodhorn- "You know as much as I enjoy this conversation can you give me the water totem?"

Brine- "no!"

Bloodhorn- "BUT YOU SAID THAT THAT WAS THE LAST SACK FO WATER I HAD TO GET!"

Brine- "It is, but know that you gave me the water, I have mixed it all together to make you this potion. One you drink it you can see hallucinations, I mean…..spirits….yes once u drink it you can see the water spirit YUP that's right.

Bloodhorn- "You want me to drink water that came from piousness scorpions, undead water, and sewage!"

Brine- "Yes."

Bloodhorn- "Will it kill me?"

Brine- "Probably." Brine then shoved the potion down Bloodhorns throat.

Bloodhorn- "Ew nasty! Hey it says I only have 10 minutes to see the thing!"

Brine- "Wheres your hearth set?"

Bloodhorn- "Cross roads I finally spoke to innkeeper there."

Brine- "well that's too bad cause the halu- I mean spirit you need to fight is in silverpine, just west of Tarren mill."

Bloodhorn- "DA- (the entire portion of this speech has been censored. The original speech was 5 pages long.) ERS"

After 9 minutes and 20 seconds Bloodhorn found himself floating in the great sea. He had tried to swim over. He floated on shore where he saw….

Bloodhorn- "Wow a hallucination of a water elemental."

Water elemental- I am not a hallucination I am a spirit, or at least that's what I'm suppose to say. In order to get the water totem you must beat me first."

Bloodhorn: "Ok." Just as Bloodhorn said that, the water he drank, had a sudden side effect, Death! When he got back to his corpse he could no longer see hallucinations."

Troll- "Don't worry man, if you fail the quest you can talk to me, and I will let you start the whole Shaman quest over again."

Bloodhorn- "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"""""" Bloodhorn jumped on the troll and beat him to death. Afterwards he went through the trolls wallet and found a water Totem."

Bloodhorn- "WOOT! I BEAT THE QUEST!"

End

Rouges- (A/N Shaman and rouges are the two longest, after this they get pretty damn short.)There are so many rouge quests. Instead of picking one I decided to pick 3.

A guild of rouges was going about its business. Surprisingly, three night elf rouges got a class quest at the same time. We shall start with the lvl 10 Sharpnpointy

Sharpnpointy: "Ok all I have to do is find Sethier, and rob him………"

5 hours later………..

Sharpnpointy: "Ok I found him. Jeeze this Saytr is really stupid. Why does he spend his whole life on a narrow branch with a 500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 foot fall? Oh well."

Sharpnpointy snuck up behind the Saytr and pressed the pick pocket option. In a second the Saytr turned around and broke Sharnpointy's neck.

Sharpnpointy: "Ok I have to be a little more careful." Sharpnpointy revived and stealthed to the Saytr. The Saytr's tail then flicked Sharpnpointy off the world tree.

Sharpnpointy: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" (500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 feet later) AHHHHHHHHHH SPLAT

Sharpnpointy: "LFG Need full party of people to take out Sethier." Five minutes later a party of 5 level tens charged Sethier. Sethier multiplied into 4 sethiers.

Party of 5:"……………..aw shit"

4 Sethiers: (grins evily)

The 4 sethiers then proceded to killing the party .

SharpnpointyL "LF RAID GROUP WITH ALL LVL 60'S EXCEPT ME TO TAKE OUT SETHIER!"

At this exact moment a guild named, mercenaries for free was walking through Teldresial and decided to help.

29 lvl 60's and a lvl 10 Charged Sethier. The 4 sethiers died, and all responded 4 times making 16 sethiers. This pattern repeated for every one the lvl 60's killed.

One day of killing Sethier's later

500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Sethiers (isn't that the height of the world tree?) were stacked up on top of each other. The party of lvl 60's, was dead.

Party of lvl 60's: (Is dead)

Army of Sethiers: "Wait…why are we on this tree branch? LETS INVADE DARNASUS!"

With that an army of Sethiers charged into Darnasus

Tyranda: "The sacred grove is being defiled! WE MUST KILL THESE FOOLS WITH STARFALL!" The priestess used starfall despite the fact that the move doesn't exist in WoW and all of the sethiers were killed. 4 times that number spontaneously arose from the ground. All of which died, and then came up 4 times in numbers. This process repeated until Tyranda fell asleep.

Army of Sethiers: "HA! NOT EVEN ELUNES TOOTH PICKS CAN STOP US! WE SHALL TAKE OVER ALL OF AZEROTH!"

Sharpnpointy: "Somehow, I feel a bit responsible for this."

Meanwhile in hillsbrad foothills

Toknives: "I've been looking for this place for days!" Toknives was now infront of a treasure chest.

Toknives: "Well the quest says to open this. TIME TO LOCK PICK!" Toknives opened the chest….and a lvl ? Elite jumped out of the chest and decapitated him.

Toknives: "WHAT THE HELL!"

Quest: "#4#4 j00 F3LL 4 1y7 P#00L"

Toknives: "Damn! I guess I have to go back to my rouge trainer and get detect trap, and disarm trap. Because disarming a trap will SURELY stop some guy from jumping out of a chest." Toknives began to walk to iron forge, when an army of Sethiers chanting WORLD DOMINATION WORLD DOMINATION! Ran over him.

Meanwhile

Rougy: "FINALLY! I am about to beat this quest, even after its annoyance….."

(FLASH BACK)

Rougey: "OK….all I have to do is pick pocket this guy and…..

DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Shiginmi barged into the room with 10 corpses being dragged behind him by his pet wolf.

Random person: "ITS SHIGINMI FROM CHAPTER 1 AND 2!

Shiginmi: (kills boss) "Hey rouge, whats this place for. I saw that there were elites here so I decided to kill everything here.

Rougey: "……………………………IT TOOK ME 5 HOURS TO SNEAK UP HERE AN DU JUST KILLED THE PERSON WHO I WAS SUPPOSE TO PIT POCKET!"

Shiginmi: "ohhhhhhhhhhh it's a class quest. Oh well sorry." Shiginmi ran outside with Rougy chasing after him

Rougey: "GET BACK HERE!" Suddenly an Elite responded and Killed Rougy on the spot.

(END FLASH BACK)

(A/N That was based on my own personal experience….me being the hunter…I SAID I WAS SORRY!)

Rougey: "Now…I beat the quest….hey what's this buff?"

Touch of Zanzil

Agility cut in half

For a week

#4#4 j00

f3LL 4 17

Rougey: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" At that point Rougey was trampled by an army of Sethiers shouting WORLD DOMINATION WORLD DOMINATION

End

NOW for the shorter quests, starting with the infamous DRUID QUEST!

Druids

The story starts in Darnasus where Whitepaw was talking to his class master

Whitepaw: "Ok I found purified 5 sickly deer. IT turns out that the water form the lake in dark shore comes form those green sludge pools in fel wood."

People eating fish they caught in darkshore: "……(look at fish)……(die)"

Whitepaw: "And as if THAT wasn't enough now you now you just had me go into a HUGE lake and find a TINY little bottle, and then go into fatigue water, a seal, AND I STILL DON'T HAVE MY SEAL FORM!"

Class master: "It will be worth it, after all you get to go to teleport to a continent bordering winterspring and felwood whenever you want."

Whitepaw: "Ok… good point. Fine I will go to westfall."

(3 hours later)

Whitepaw: "Well I'm in Westfall…….the quest says….its somewhere in the water."

White claw looked at his map.

Whitepaw: "hm…….well that narrows it down to the west, north and south….WHY AM I DOING THESE QUESTS!"

Whitepaw then found a ship with 50 elite murlocks and the seal.

Whitepaw: "Ok, all I have to do is kill 1 murlock at a time……."Whitepawt 1 murlock. 50 other murlocks spawned out of no where and killed whitepaw.

Whitepaw: "…this sucks, but since we want to keep this class quest short I wotn tell you about my miracles fight with the murlocks, which was simply me calling in a game master to help"

Whitepaw eventually beat the quest, and deleted his character to make a Shaman and to kill the person who gave him the quest

End

Guy form audience: "THAT SUCKED!"

Now onto the realllly short fics, starting with the warlock

Warlocks

Lockrock: "Class master, I am ready to become one with my void walker."

Class master: "Please. Step onto the summoning circle, and finally replace your annoying imp, with a willing servent."

Lockrock summoned his new voidwalker.

Lockrock: "Marvelous….I shall name him….Hell boy, but to avoid copyright I'm going to change it to Hell floating creation

Hell floating creating suddenly turned red and hit Lockrock

Lockrock: "OW! I guess you don't like the name."

Classmaster: "You must tame your void walker by beating him to death,"

Lockrock: "Is that it?" The summoned monstrosity jumped on top of Lockrock and beat him to death."

Classmaster: "I…have never…seen someone actually get BEATEN by their own void walker. THAT'S IT YOU ARE OFFICIALY KICKED OUT OF THE SECRET WARLOCK CLUB!

Lockrock: (is dead)

End

See, I told you they would get shorter. At this point you may find that they are so short they don't really have a point WELL TOO BAD! You are stuck with them, its not like there is some kind of magical Back button to get you out of my fic!

Warriors:

Takeno walked into the storm wind bar to talk to some guy.

Guy: "If you want your defensive stance you have to beat up a drunk."

Takeno: "Ok." Takeno walked over to the drunk at the other end of the bar.

Drunk: "What are you looking at?"

Takeno pulled out his sword and repeatedly slashed at the drunk.

Drunk: "AH I GIVE UP!"

Takeno stabbed the drunk to death.

Random guy: "WAZA HELL! GET OUT OF HERE AND SPEAK TO THE OLD DILLUSINAL MAN IN EAST LOGGING CAMP JUST DON'T KILL ME!

Takeno went to east logging camp and spoke to the delusional old man

Man: "Some jerk dressed in an alliance tabard stole my badge. I thought he was a coronal cause he was wearing the private tabard."

Takeno: "How can you mistake a defiase for a coronal?"

Man: "HE WAS WEARING A GOD DAMNED TABARD!"

Takeno went over and killed the defiase. After killing the bandit 2 defiase attacked him. Takeno ran away and came back to get the corpse only to find it had responded.

Takeno killed the 2 defiase and killed the corpse that had responded. Just then a bear ran out of no where and killed him.

When Takeno came back the guy was back. Takeno killed the bears, wolves, and defiase around the area. Just as Takeno was about to attack the 2 defiase he killed earlier respawned and killed him.

When Takeno came back EVERYTHING had responded

Takeno: "I spent this entire fic without saying more than 3 lines….and THIS IS WHAT I GET IN RETERN FOR MY RESPECTFULL SILENCE! Takeno committed suicide.

The end :)

Guy reading fic: "wow this is stupid"

Its getting rather annoying to write all of these. Now comes mage

MAGE

Flameweaver: "Class master! What do you need me to do?"

Class trainer: "Go investigate the magical river running right outside of storm wind."

Flameweaver: "YES SIR!" Flame weaver ran to the "MAGIC" river and was killed by some "Magic" Defiase bandits

Flameweaver: "I have reterned. The water appears to be….NORMAL! except it is now filled with my blood."

Class trainer: "Well then investigate that small island to the east and read the stone tablet…I mean MAGIC stone tablet."

Flameweaver read the "MAGIC" Stone tablet and was killed by some "MAGIC" defiase sorcerers.

Flameweaver "I read the stone. It had NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING!"

Class trainer: "Good now I want you to investigate the magic toaster in the defiase camp."

Flameweaver killed his class trainer and stole his staff. Later he claimed he got the staff for beating the quest as an alaby.

End

That's it I know its NOT FUNNY! But hey there are 9 classes, and only 5 Me's….I mean…….look hunter is next

HUNTER

Shiginmi: "Fa la la la la WAIT IM NOT LVL 10!"

Enter random lvl 10 hunter

Huntztokil: "Fa la la la la. Class trainer what do I need to do?"

Class trainer: "Catch a night saber and…..

Huntztokil: "DON'E!"

Class trainer: "Good now kill it and go catch a bigger one."

Huntztokil abandoned his pet and beat it to death as soon as his enraged pet tried to attack him.

Huntztokil: (after getting another night saber) "Ok heres a bigger one."

Class trainer: "You have mastered catching creatures of the land, but what of those of the air? Can you catch them?"

Huntztokil: "isn't it just like catching a land animal?"

Class trainer: "Yes but go get me an owl anyways."

Huntztokil beat his new night saber to death and caught an owl.

Class trainer: "Excelent. You have proven that you don't care about your pet's welfare. Now there is no chance of you going into your pet talent line. That is good. Now that you have proven yourself go hand in the quest in darnassus.

Huntztokil: "When is the next hunter quest lvl 20"

Class trainer: "There is no other hunter quest until the epic quest."

Huntztokil: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

End

Are these getting repetitive? Is this the third time I ended it by shouting NOOOOOOO? Well I can't keep track. Now for priests

PRIEST

Holymage: "My quest is to use heal on you."

Guy: "ok."

Holymage (uses heal)

Holymage: "Now wat?"

Guy: "That's it. That's your entire quest."

Holymage: "WOW THAT SUCKS!"

End

I KNOW ITS SHORT BUT PRIESTS AND PALLYS I KNOW BEYR LITTLE ONE

To finish this fic I have decided to give pallys a flare

Paladin

Truth mace: "Hello random corpse."

Corpse: "You must revive me to beat the quest."

Truth mace: "Ok." (revives corpse.)

Corpse: "IM ALIVE! YES YES IM ALIVE! I CAN SEE AGAIN

Palyone: "Excuse me."

Corpse: "WOOT WOOT!"

Truthmace: "Yes?"

Palyone: "I need to revive this guy for my quest."

Corpse: "OH YAH! OH YAH!"

Truthmace: "sure just let me kill him for you."

Corpse: "huh?"

Truth mace: (hits corpse on ehad)

Truthmace: "there he is dead."

Corpse: "Actualy I'm not quite dead.

Truthmace: "Well at least he's mortally wounded."

Corpse: "actually I think I'm feeling better."

Truthmace: "DON'T STEAL MONTY PYTHON YOU ASS!"

Truthmace hit the corpse…HARD

Corpse: "you call yourself holy? And here you are hitting me with a giant hammer until I die?"

Truthmace: "Yes hammers are holy. THEY SMASH THINGS GOOD! With that Truth mace killed the corpse."

End

Ok not to self never try to do something that involves making 5 chars and making them lvl 10, which doesn't take that long in total but it is So ANNOYING (kills self) hoped u liked it. Not sure what I will make the next chapter on… I do have some ideas though hehehe.

R&R