CHAPTER FIVE: A CHANGE OF LIFE

Over the next few weeks James was as good as his word. He neither spoke to nor looked at Lily unless he could help it. He did slip occasionally, old habits are hard to break, but a nudge or a look from Sirius would be enough, and James would remember that he had to leave her alone. He promised he would. They had to do patrols, but James worked out a way that they could meet up outside the private Common Room, and then they would each take a certain route from there. It allowed them to do their patrols without feeling uncomfortable, and also got them over with in half the time.

Sirius didn't tell James that he'd noticed Lily looking at him a few times, as if she wanted to speak to him when his back was turned. He deliberately forgot to mention that one day at breakfast he noticed Lily's eyes fill with tears when James turned his back on her. James was finding leaving Lily alone really tough. He didn't need Sirius making it harder by creating hope that would probably not come to anything.

What no one could have realised then was that something was about to happen that would take James Potter's mind completely away from Lily Evans for a while. Something that would threaten to overwhelm him completely, something that made Lily feel stronger about him than she would ever have thought possible.

James was eating breakfast one morning. It was now early November, weeks into the new term. Sirius, Remus and Peter were sitting with him, and he was making an effort not to turn around because he knew that just a few seats away Lily was sitting, eating her breakfast alone. She had friends, of course, a lot of friends she talked to, and laughed with, one of them was Alice Smith. James knew her vaguely too. But he also knew that Alice had a boyfriend, Frank Longbottom, who Alice was sitting next to now.

James heart turned over slightly as he watched Alice Smith and Frank Longbottom together….he wished it was him and Lily. He quickly glanced up at her. She was eating a piece of toast, but looking as if she wasn't enjoying it very much. He wondered why she looked so tired, but he knew he dare not call and ask her. If he did, he'd never be able to drag himself away from her, and they'd be back where they started. He shifted in his seat, so that he couldn't see Lily, and focused his attention on his friends.

The four of them were about to leave the Great Hall when an owl flew over and dropped something in front of James. He could tell it was a letter. He took it from the owl and looked at the handwriting on the envelope. 'It's from Mum', he said to Sirius. James tore the letter open quickly. It wasn't unusual for his parents to contact him when he was at school, but they normally did it when he'd either forgotten something or he'd been in trouble. Since he knew that so far this year he hadn't pulled any pranks - what with lessons, Head Boy duties, and avoiding Lily, he hadn't had time to get into trouble - and he knew he hadn't left anything at home - he wondered what his mother was writing to him for. He pulled the letter closer to him so that his friends couldn't read it. The contents were somewhat emotional, and looked like they were just for him. He read his mothers words:

My Darling James,

I'm sure you are wondering why I'm writing to you. I know you haven't been in trouble this year – yet - and I know you haven't left anything at home, so you must be racking your brains, wondering what I want to say to you.

I just wanted to tell you how much I love you. I know you get embarrassed when I fuss over you. I know you're of age now and consider yourself to be a man, but to me you are my little boy, and you always will be. The happiest days of my life were spent bringing you up. I'll never forget the first time I held you in my arms on the day you were born. I knew then how much I love you, and how I couldn't believe such a beautiful baby could possibly be mine. It was a joy to watch you grow. Watching you learn to do the basic things, talking, walking and all the little baby things. Watching you as you took your first tentative flight on a broom with your father, and then as he taught you Quidditch. He said you were the best little Quidditch player he'd ever seen! I said he was biased of course, but we both knew you were good, and my, how you loved it!

Then I fretted for you and missed you so much when you started school. You looked so tiny when we saw you off on the Hogwarts Express. I wanted to pack you up and apparate us all straight back home, but I knew I couldn't. You had to go to school sometime, and Hogwarts was the best school for you.

Your father was so proud when you said you wanted to be an Auror. I'd never seen him cry before then, but he wept with pride that night. He was so proud of you, and proud that you wanted to follow in his footsteps. I know you'll make him proud of you again when you achieve your goal.

I know that you've struggled with your feelings for Lily. I know how much she means to you. I'm certain it will all work out in the end my love. How can she possibly resist you? As you're father would say 'You are a Potter, she has to love you!' She will James. I know she will.

I want you to know that whatever happens in the future, your father and I will always be with you. We will always be proud of you and we will always, always love you. Don't ever forget we love you James.

Your adoring,

Mum

James looked down at the letter, a lump forming in the back of his throat. He coughed and folded the letter up, putting it in the pocket of his robes. 'Everything all right at home?' Sirius asked, seeing that James was obviously on the verge of becoming upset over something. 'Yeah, everything's fine', James grinned, and the four Marauders went off to start the days classes.

Later that morning James was in Charms. Sirius was sitting next to him and Lily, much to James's relief, was sitting diagonally behind him, near the back of the room. It meant that he didn't have to keep concentrating so hard on not looking at her. Professor Flitwick was at the front of the class, telling them that today they would learn to use a charm that would enable them to control a piece of chalk enough to write their name on the blackboard without having to physically touch the chalk. He taught them the charm, and demonstrated it 'Calligrio!' he cried, and a piece of chalk rose into the air. Professor Flitwick concentrated hard, looking rather a lot like he had wind or something, and suddenly letters started to form on the blackboard, neatly written, old fashioned looking letters. Soon the words 'Professor Flitwick' could be seen clearly on the board.

The teacher took each student through the charm, getting them to write their name on the board. Sirius managed it first time, looking quite impressed with himself, and then it was James's turn. He said the charm clearly, and concentrated hard on the chalk. It rose into the air – but then James was distracted for a second by a knock on the classroom door. His chalk seemed to reverse dramatically before shooting forward at a remarkable speed. James noticed in the corner of his eye that Professor Dumbledore had come into the room and was watching the scene.

Professor Flitwick tried to get out of the way of the speeding chalk, but it was too late, it kept coming at him, gathering speed. He was nearly knocked flying when the chalk hit him right in the middle of the forehead, leaving a little indentation behind. Flitwick was now underneath his desk, shaking a little. Dumbledore coughed to get Flitwick's attention and Flitwick hurried out from where he was taking cover. 'Excuse me Professor Flitwick', Dumbledore spoke softly, 'Would you come with me for a moment.' The two men left the room briefly, and then came back in, both of them looking drawn. Dumbledore spoke again. 'Professor, would you excuse Mr. Potter and Mr. Black please, I need to speak to them'. Flitwick nodded and James and Sirius looked at one another, wondering what they had done. Professor Dumbledore didn't call people out of classes for nothing.

The two boys followed as Dumbledore led them out into the corridor. They were led into an empty classroom next door to Flitwick's room. Sirius spoke first. 'Professor, I don't know what we've been accused of, but I promise you, it wasn't us'. 'I didn't mean to lose control of the chalk either' James said, thinking he was about to be punished for another accident with magic and a teacher.

Dumbledore nodded, a kind, soft expression on his face. 'Sit down both of you. I know you haven't done anything. As for Charms Potter, I have seen far worse accidents than that. I remember many years ago, a student doing that exact charm lost control of the chalk and it went straight up Professor McClusky's nose'. The boys grinned. Dumbledore suddenly looked sad, 'I haven't called you here to accuse you of anything. I'm afraid I must tell you something'.

The boys glanced at one another and sat down as they were asked. The room contained a few desks, only big enough for one person to sit at. There was a chair at the front of the room, in which, when each boy was seated at a desk, Dumbledore sat down. 'I'm afraid I have to tell you that the Death Eaters attacked again last night. They have committed more murders, but this time the victims were people you might think Voldemort would value. This time he chose to kill Purebloods'.

Sirius glanced at James who was focusing on Dumbledore. Sirius couldn't help hoping it was his family. They were right in it with Voldemort. It would serve them right if he'd turned on them. As soon as the thought crossed Sirius's mind, Dumbledore was rising and he placed a hand on James's shoulder. 'I'm sorry Potter. I'm still trying to find out all the details, but it would appear that your parents were visited by the Death Eaters last night…'

'YOU'RE A LIAR!' James was on his feet now, shaking, staring wide eyed at Dumbledore. 'I HAD A LETTER FROM MY MOTHER THIS MORNING, SO HOW CAN SHE BE DEAD?' Sirius was on his feet too, tears welling up in his eyes. Mary and Arthur Potter, two of the kindest, sweetest people in the world, were dead. Sirius couldn't take it in, he wanted to comfort James. Sirius felt like he had lost his parents too, but for James…..Sirius couldn't imagine how he must be feeling.

Dumbledore went on; trying to speak calmly, but James's reaction to the news caused him great pain. 'M-my i-information is th-that….' Dumbledore swallowed, breathed deeply and carried on, more steadily. 'My information is that your….that Mary and Arthur were held captive for a few hours before they were murdered. They died in the early hours of this morning apparently. Perhaps your mother wanted to use the time to write to you to say goodbye….'

James felt sick. He wanted to scream at Dumbledore, yell at him for sounding so calm when he'd just turned his entire world upside down. His parents, his mother, who he loved, who had written to him telling him how much she loved him and how she would always be with him, was dead. But Dumbledore was still speaking, 'I'm sorry Potter, but there can be no funeral. The Death Eaters destroyed the bodies, there are simply no bodies left to bury. I'm really very sorry your parents were….' 'NO!' James suddenly yelled. He knocked his seat over he moved so quickly, and it fell with a loud crash that echoed round the room, then he pushed past Dumbledore before running out of the classroom.

Sirius moved to go after his friend. He wanted to see that James was OK, but Dumbledore stopped him by gently placing a hand on his arm. 'I know you want to comfort your friend, Mr. Black, but a word, if I may, before you leave?'

Sirius looked at the door James had just run out of, and then he looked at Dumbledore, who still looked sad, but then Dumbledore looked firmly back at Sirius and he nodded, before resuming his seat. 'I realise this will be a sad loss for you too Black', Dumbledore spoke calmly. 'I know how close your friendship is to Potter, that you are more like brothers than best friends. I also know how much you cared for Arthur and Mary Potter' Sirius gulped. He knew he would never be able to repay the kindness the Potter's had shown to him, taking him in when his own family rejected him. 'So I know I don't really need to ask you to keep an eye on Potter for a while. He will need your friendship now more than ever'. Sirius nodded. He would do everything he could to help James. 'But Black, while I know you will take care of Potter, please don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. You might find it comes from where you least expect it'.

Sirius felt irritated. This was no time for Dumbledore to start being cryptic! But he didn't say anything. He swallowed hard, and nodded again. 'I have spoken to all your teachers and both you and Potter are excused attendance at classes for the rest of the day. However, from tomorrow I think it would be a good idea for you both to attend all your normal classes. I feel certain that the normality of the daily routine will help you both. Now, I think you will want to go and find your friend. But remember Black, don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it'. Sirius nodded quickly again and left the room.

After Charms, Lily knocked on the door of an unused classroom. She knew Professor Dumbledore would be in there because as soon as he'd left the lesson with James and Sirius following, Professor Flitwick had interrupted the class to tell them that Dumbledore had just received news that James Potter's parents were murdered by Death Eaters in the early hours of the morning. They'd been held captive all night before their deaths. The bodies were completely destroyed in the attack, so Potter wouldn't be able to lay them to rest properly. Lily was shocked by the news. She didn't know James's parents, but she knew that he was apparently an only child, and very close to them. Lily didn't know what to do. She wanted to find James and tell him how sorry she was. She wanted to tell him that she would do anything she could to help him. But Lily knew that he was hardly speaking to her at the moment, he'd even turned his back on her at breakfast again this morning, so he wouldn't want any comfort she could offer him. Professor Flitwick told them that Professor Dumbledore was breaking the news to Potter now, and as Sirius Black had lived with the Potters until very recently, it was felt that he should be with him. Flitwick said that Dumbledore wanted Potter's classmates to know so that they could offer Potter and Black their support.

Lily thought about this for the remainder of the lesson and then she waited until she thought James and Sirius would have left the room and she knocked at the door. She heard Dumbledore giving her permission to enter, and she went inside. Dumbledore was sitting in a chair at the front of the room, looking very wise, but very old and more tired than Lily had ever seen him. 'Ah Miss Evans' he smiled brightly as he saw her, a twinkle lighting up his wise eyes. 'What can I do for you?'

Lily swallowed. She knew Professor Dumbledore was a very kind old man, but she always found him slightly intimidating for some reason. Watching him as he sat in that chair, it was almost like looking down on royalty. 'I…um..e-excuse me Professor', Lily swallowed again and then went on, feeling a little better. Dumbledore was looking at her so kindly it was suddenly impossible to be intimidated. 'I've just heard the news about Potter's parents and I wondered if there was anything I could do to help him…I mean… you?'

Dumbledore looked at Lily and smiled almost tenderly at her. 'Thank you Miss Evans. I know that you haven't had the...well, the easiest of relationships with Mr. Potter,' Lily bowed her head. It seemed that everyone knew how bad things had become between her and James. 'But your offer is very kind. He will need all the support he can get at the moment I'm sure. For now Black is doing everything he can for Potter. But I will call on you if he needs reinforcements, you can be sure of that. Yes indeed, in one way or another, I will call on you if Black needs reinforcements'. Lily thanked Professor Dumbledore and left the room.

Sirius found James on the Quidditch pitch. He was alone because the morning lessons were still underway. Sirius got closer to his friend. James was wiping the corners of his mouth, but his gazed looked towards the horizon. He was shaking as the cold November wind blew across the exposed pitch. Sirius looked down and realised why James was wiping his mouth. The shock of the news he had just received had made him violently sick. 'Scourgify!' Sirius waved his wand, and the mess disappeared. James didn't move or speak. He was pale, almost deathly white. 'Come on in mate' Sirius spoke quietly. 'You'll catch your….you'll get cold out here'. Sirius touched James's hand, he was freezing. 'Come on mate, come back to the Common Room and I'll get you something warm to drink and you can sit by the fire for a bit. Dumbledore says we're excused classes for the rest of the day'.

But still James didn't move. He stood staring blankly into the distance. He wanted to speak to Sirius. He wanted to yell and cry. He wanted to go after the Death Eaters and Voldemort for what they had done to….but he couldn't do any of those things. His head felt like it was going to explode. Dumbledore's voice was going round and round. 'Your parents are dead…your parents are dead' but it still didn't make any sense. Mixed in with Dumbledore's voice a woman's voice was also in his head. 'We'll always be with you James…we love you… I love you James' over and over, taunting him. The voice made him feel more alone than he had ever felt before. He knew the voice belonged to his mother and that she was gone.

Sirius was becoming worried now. He knew James would be far better off inside the castle where it was warm, but he still wouldn't move. Sirius tried again. 'Come on mate, it's freezing out here, let's go back to the dorm'. James didn't speak but he turned around and walked back into the castle, Sirius's hand guiding him as he went.

The two went quickly through the Common Room which was still empty. They went up to the boys' dormitory. Remus and Peter were there, they'd heard the awful news which was now rapidly making its way around the castle. 'I'm really sorry Pr…' Remus said as they went into the room, but James didn't reply. He climbed onto his bed and pulled the curtain around, closing it as tightly as it would go.

James lay on his bed in the dormitory for the rest of the day. He didn't eat, and spoke to no one, not even Sirius who stayed with him when Remus and Peter returned to classes. By nightfall James still hadn't moved except to put his pyjamas on, which he did from behind the curtain around the bed. When he was undressed he got back into bed. He listened while the others said goodnight, and then he lay, wide awake all night.