CHAPTER SEVEN: A TERRIBLE CHRISTMAS
November crawled on and eventually made way for December. James was still no better. Sirius was becoming really frightened by how thin his friend had become. His clothes were hanging from him. After a while Sirius went to see Madam Pomphrey in the Hospital Wing to see if she could suggest anything. She gave him a potion for James to drink. He was to put it in a drink twice a day. She warned him that it wouldn't make James gain weight, only eating again would do that, but it would give his body the nutrition he needed to keep him well. Sirius was relieved. He didn't think his friend was strong enough at the moment to deal with an illness. At the moment, Remus Lupin, who practically always looked skinny and ill, looked fitter than James Potter.
Sirius thought of the Marauders. Peter didn't know how to cope with the state James was in, or with the heavy atmosphere in the dormitory that felt like it was dragging everyone down, so he'd started to spend more time alone. Then he announced that he would be going home for Christmas this year. Sirius was surprised by this. He remembered how on the train at the beginning of term, the Marauders were talking about how they'd spent the summer. Peter had said he'd spent most of it alone because his family had gone away on holiday and left him behind. Sirius realised that Peter just couldn't deal with the way James was behaving, so he'd chosen to go home rather than spend Christmas at school with his friends.
Remus had also decided to go home for Christmas. He was looking tired and ill. Sirius knew why. He'd had to cope for a month by himself. Whereas the Marauders would normally go out of their way to be with Remus each full moon, he had to deal with its consequences alone now. Remus explained to Sirius that he would be OK at home over Christmas and New Year. His parents would help him as much as they could.
It hurt Sirius to think that James's parent's deaths had touched all their lives in various ways. He continued to notice Lily Evans watching James sometimes. She always had tears in her eyes now and kept looking at James as if she really wanted to speak to him, but when she tried to come over to him she would burst into tears and run from the room. Sirius wasn't sure if James noticed; if he did, he didn't react. But Sirius knew James didn't react to much these days. It was as if part of him had died with his parents.
Christmas was just a couple of weeks away now. The castle's decorations were up in the Great Hall, as magnificent as ever. A thick layer of snow covered the castle grounds, the whiteness covering everything in sight.
Sirius smiled sadly as he remembered Christmas's from past years when he and James had snow-fights. He grinned as he remembered one year James had dropped a snowball down the front of Lily Evans robes, and had then offered to help remove it for her – she made the mistake of asking James if he meant the snowball or the robe, and he'd beamed at her wickedly before replying 'Both if you like, will you go out with me?' Sirius had roared laughing when Lily had gathered a handful of snow, pushed it into a ball, and threw it as hard as she could at James's face. Then she'd stalked off, her nose in the air, and tripped up over a tree root that was hidden by the snow. James had run over to help her up, but she'd got up herself, shouted at James to leave her alone and then disappeared back into the castle. Sirius felt like crying. He wished life was that simple now.
One of the last lessons before the beginning of the Christmas break was Transfiguration. This was easily James's best subject. Lily entered the class ahead of Sirius who was still guiding James around. Lily had to avert her eyes quickly when she saw James. She didn't want to burst into tears in a lesson.
Sirius manoeuvred James to a seat about halfway down the classroom and then he sat next to him. Professor McGonagall entered the room and told everyone what they would be doing that day. Then she told them to get out their wands. There was a general clutter as everyone did as they were asked. Everyone that is, except James. Sirius nudged him and told him to get his wand. James didn't move. He sat and stared into the distance somewhere.
Professor McGonagall looked at James Potter. She could see he wasn't any better. She had spoken to Dumbledore about the situation but he didn't seem to know what to do for the best. McGonagall realised that only time would mend the wounds Potter was suffering from.
Professor McGonagall coughed and then spoke. 'Potter, I asked you to get your wand please. I'm waiting to start the lesson' She tried to sound firm. She hoped that it might stir some reaction in James. She felt certain that if he could just start taking an interest in things again it would help him. James still didn't stir. 'Potter I'm waiting' Still no reaction or movement came from the boy. McGonagall tried a different approach. 'Look Potter, I realise you are still upset about your parent's deaths but…..'
McGonagall didn't manage to complete what she was saying. James was stood now, his eyes wide open. He was shaking violently, his features livid with fury. 'DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME HOW I FEEL!' he screamed. 'DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME I'M UPSET! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE YOU PATHETIC OLD HAG!' and he ran from the room, slamming the door behind him.
McGonagall looked shaken. She knew Potter could be cheeky, she knew he got himself into trouble with his friends, but she had never heard him speak to her or anyone, like that. The shock made her legs feel weak and she perched for a moment on the front of her desk.
Sirius remained seated in the classroom, a confused expression on his face, his mouth wide open, gaping. He knew James got on with McGonagall. He'd never spoken to her like that before. 'I-I'm really sorry Professor' he stammered. 'May I be excused please?' McGonagall still looked stunned, but she nodded and Sirius quietly left the classroom.
Sirius didn't have to go very far to find James. He'd barely gone halfway down the corridor before he found him, sitting on the floor. He was silent and staring through one of the small windows that lined the corridors of the castle. 'Come on', Sirius tried to sound bright. 'You can't sit there all day mate, we've got classes, and you know how clumsy those little first years are, they'll trample all over you!' James neither moved nor spoke. 'Prongs please, get up,' Sirius was getting worried now. Still James didn't move. Sirius didn't know what to do. James was sitting there silently and was rocking himself backwards and forwards, just enough for Sirius to feel scared. 'Stay there mate, I'll get some help' and he ran back down the corridor to Professor McGonagall's room as fast as his legs would carry him. He entered the room without knocking, making everyone jump. Lily's eyes widened as she saw Sirius, but he didn't look at her. Professor McGonagall looked at him, alarmed. 'I'm sorry Professor, could you come with me a minute, something is wrong with Potter' Sirius glanced at Lily as the colour drained from her face, but he couldn't speak to her now. 'Where is he?' McGonagall demanded quickly as she followed Sirius.
They found James in the exact spot Sirius had left him. McGonagall peered down to him. 'Come along Potter, you can't sit there all day, you'll be in the way' she tried. James didn't even so much as register that he heard her. 'Potter come on, you've got classes to go to'. He didn't even blink. Then, to Sirius's amazement, Professor McGonagall got down on her knees beside James. 'Prof…' Sirius began, he was trying to get James up, not encourage him to stay there!
McGonagall silenced him with a wave of her hand. She made herself comfortable next to James. 'Good spot you've picked here Potter, you can see all the way down the corridors' she was speaking calmly, as if a student sitting on the floor of the corridor refusing to move was a daily occurrence. 'The only drawback of course is that you can't see the Quidditch pitch from here' she said, following James's gaze through the windows. Sirius groaned under his breath. If McGonagall got James talking about Quidditch, he'd definitely be in the corridor all day!
McGonagall ignored Sirius's groan. Her full attention was on James Potter. After a while she started to shift as if she wasn't comfortable any more. 'Oh dear, Potter I'm going to have to get up. One of the downfalls of old age is rheumatism. These hard floors play havoc with my knees. Will you help me up?' James stirred. He looked Professor McGonagall straight in the eye and then he rose. He took her hand and helped her back to her feet before he stood gazing into the distance again. 'That's it, that's much better' McGonagall spoke softly. She guided James around and then spoke again. 'Right young man, I think enough is enough. It's time we paid a visit to the Hospital Wing. You need some rest'. She took James by the hand. He meekly followed her. Sirius followed behind, trying as hard as he could not to cry.
James Potter lay in the Hospital Wing. He'd been there for a few days now, but he couldn't remember how he got there or what he was there for. He vaguely remembered being in Transfiguration a few days ago but then everything after that was a complete blank. He thought that perhaps something had happened in the lesson. He was aware of a heavy feeling in his chest, like something had been dropped on it, so perhaps it was that? Perhaps there had been some sort of accident and he was hurt, so why didn't he feel ill? Except for this heaviness in his chest, an aching tiredness and the voices in his head he felt fine….the voices…..
James thought about this. Yes, it was true; he had voices in his head. He could hear them clearly and had been able to for so long now he could barely remember what it was like not to have them. He thought it was odd that he knew the voices belonged to a man and a woman. They weren't talking to each other; they were speaking to him, saying the same things over and over. James listened to them. 'Your parents are dead…your parents are dead.' James knew the man's voice belonged to Dumbledore. He listened closer as the woman's voice played in his head. 'We'll always be with you James…we love you… I love you James'.
James flinched as he remembered this voice. He knew it was his mother. Then it came back to him. He was in the Hospital Wing because his parents had been murdered by the Death Eaters. He remembered this almost as if he was thinking about something normal, something that happened so routinely he didn't have to give it special consideration. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered any more. He remembered why he felt so tired. It was because he wouldn't sleep. He tried to sleep in the first few days after his parent's deaths, but he couldn't. Every time he tried to close his eyes the voices grew louder. He was frightened to sleep. Madam Pomphrey had tried to give him a sleeping potion but he'd refused to swallow it. In the end she'd walked away from him shaking her head in frustration. It didn't matter. He wanted to die.
Sirius went to see James in the Hospital Wing every day. Lessons were now finished until after Christmas. Sirius was glad because it meant he could visit James and help him to get better. Not that he was any better.
Madam Pomphrey had taken over the responsibility of giving James the potion which replaced the food he wouldn't eat. He was still painfully thin, but no more so than he had been a few days ago. He still wouldn't talk to anyone.
Sirius was becoming nervous that since James had flared up at Professor McGonagall like that, there was every chance he would explode again at someone. He was apparently still not sleeping and had refused a sleeping potion Madam Pomphrey wanted to give him. Sirius walked up to the Hospital Wing again today; hopefully this would be the day he got through to James.
'Hi Prongs', Sirius said cheerfully. 'Soon be Christmas mate, it's snowing outside and freezing' James didn't reply. He carried on looking up at the ceiling. 'Moony and Wormtail decided to go home for Christmas this year' Sirius knew he was sounding awkward. It was hard to talk to someone when they wouldn't answer you back. In classes and in the dorm it was easier, but it seemed like hard work in the Hospital Wing, especially with Madam Pomphrey hovering about.
'Look mate, can you talk to me?' Sirius thought it was worth a go. No reply. Sirius started to feel irritated now. 'Look Prongs, I know you miss your parents and everything but the least you could…..' James suddenly sat bolt upright, a look of indignant fury over his face. 'YOU COME IN HERE, TELLING ME YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL! GET OUT!' he ranted. 'But Prongs, mate', Sirius said, trying to sound calm and reasonable. 'THEY WERE MY PARENTS NOT YOURS, GET OUT!' James yelled again, rage contorting his features. 'B-but m-mate p-p-please' Sirius backed away. His heart was pumping so fast he felt nauseous. His voice was becoming unsteady as the tears built up in the back of his throat. 'M-m-mate, c-c-come on', 'I-It's m-m-me, P-P-Pad-f-f-foot!' For reply James started to throw things. Everything he could reach, fruit that was on his bedside table, a wooden fruit bowl, an unlit candle, he threw. Sirius tried to dive out of the way as something hit him on the head. He glanced quickly back at James who still looked enraged, before turning around, running from the Hospital Wing and bursting into tears.