Frank squeezed his eyes closed tightly and kept them shut, shaking his head. "No, no, no! This is all a dream, this is all a dream!" He screeched in a paranoid tone. He felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder from behind and at the same moment there was the sound of an explosion in the factory. Frank's eyes opened immediately to see that everything had returned to normal as though the Oompa Loompas had never come to scare him with their threatening song. The hand upon his shoulder was that of Willy Wonka.

"Tsk tsk. Now let's not get our panties in a bunch!" Wonka exclaimed, tapping the end of his cane on the ground making clacking noises. "The Oompa Loompas are harmless, simple little creatures. They wouldn't even hurt a fly! Well... I suppose they'd have to, though, in the factory because no one wants flies in their bubble gum-- Unless... hmm..." He pondered to himself, moving his hand to hold his chin. He whipped out a small notepad and pen from a pocket of his coat and scribbled down a small reminder.

With a look of shock, Frank peered over the pad to read:

!NEW!

WONKA BRAND

Super Duper Fly Flavored Gum

-with real flies for that extra ZING!-

!WOW!

"But... but... they're going to strike!"

"Oh no they won't"

"They'll make me pay!"

"Hah, that's funny."

"I did them wrong!"

"You're a hoot and a half!"

"They won't say!"

"Now you're just jumping to conclusions, you... you... conclusion jumper! Hey, I like the sound of that," Wonka said cheerily, adding another scribble on the pad underneath the previous one.

Wonka's

CONCLUSION JUMPERS

Pop 'em in your mouth and watch 'em fret!

Flavors include - Cherry, apple, blueberry and... worrywart.

"Hm. That seems about right," Wonka said, reading back his notes in his head. He flipped the book closed and returned it to his coat pocket. "You know, it's fun dilly-dallying around here... you know... just standing around and doing nothing... but you know, the candy's not going to make itself. Well, it is, but I like watching it because it's like really nifty. Actually, there was something that I needed to attend to. What was it? Oh yeah, there's a machine I have and I can't quite seem to get it to work. Maybe you can help me out with that."

"Yeah... yeah, sure," Frank replied absently, trying to shake off the fright the Oompa Loompas had instigated upon his mind.

"Good! Follow me then," Wonka said, walking forward, towards the entrance of a room. Frank turned to Magenta, Riffraff and Columbia and shrugged at the confused bunch. He motioned for them to follow him in the direction Wonka had disappeared in.

Entering the room, Frank and his group laid their eyes upon the biggest machine they had ever seen. All four walls of the room were covered in a spread of a sort of super-computer. "Wow, Willy! What is this?"

"Meh. It's the central control computer of the factory. It's the thingamajig that's in charge of all the other machines. The problem I've been having lately is that all my other machines have been working really really slowly and it's put me behind in my manufacturing. And that is totally sucky." Wonka explained, moving to different parts of the computer and flipping various switches and pushing buttons. Beeps were emit and many lights flashed as he continuously did so. "Yeah, so to make up for all this time, I'm trying to put it on warp speed but it's not working."

"Did you say... warp?" Frank asked, his eyes beginning to glow.

"Yes. You see, I'm flipping this switch here," He demonstrated, flipping a switch. "and I'm pulling this lever down a step," he said, pulling the lever. "But it's not working. See?" He said, pointing to a large screen on the back wall. The message on the screen said "ERROR."

Frank took a step forward, his heel clicking upon the tiled floor. A devilish look had formed on his face. Wonka looked at him awkwardly, wondering what had come over the man. "Do you think you can help me?"

Frank slowly advanced until he was standing next to Willy Wonka. Magenta, Columbia and Riffraff stood in the open doorway, peering nervously at the two men, wondering what would happen next.

"You want your machine to... er... perform a sort of... time warp, you say?"

"Yes, that's it."

Frank extended his hand to the switch. "You were flipping this switch to the right, when, you see, it's really just a jump to the left," Frank explained, making the switch jump to the left.

The three helpers in the doorway had lined up and each took a jump to the left in unison with the switch.

"Ahh... that makes sense," Wonka replied, not noticing the helpers.

"And this lever? You had pulled it downwards and then moved it towards the left, hm? Well, you really should have pushed it upwards, and then a step to the right."

The three helpers took a step to the right in unison.

The lights of the large computer blinked all over and a puff of steam emit from a large pipe in the right corner. After several seconds it beeped and then on its large screen a message showed, reading "WARP SPEED SUCCESS."

"Hey, good job!" Wonka said happily.

"With your hands on your hips," Frank continued, placing his hands on his hips. He eyed his helpers, seeing that they had all done the same, and nodded.

"You bring your knees in tight."

"Huh?"

"But it's the pelvic THRUST!" Riffraff cried.

"That really drives you insane! Let's do the time-warp again!" Magenta and Columbia sang.

Finally Wonka seemed to not be so blind and he noticed the three members in his factory. "Who are they and what are they doing!"

Frank took Wonka by the arm and pulled him out of the room back into the main hall, where all the Oompa Loompas had come out again and had created a set up for the Time Warp.

"Let's do the time-warp again!"

"Let's do the time-warp again!"

"Let's do the time-warp again!"

Everyone sang. Lights flashed and there was a musical accompaniment provided by the little Oompa fellows. Frank didn't know how or why they would know the Time Warp, but they did and it was great fun to perform the song once again.

Columbia clicked her way out of the crowd of gathered Oompa Loompas and began to do a dance solo. She tipped her hat and began to tap dance in a spotlight.

"Well I was walking down the street just having a think. When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook me up, he took me by surprise. He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change. Time meant nothing, never would again."

"Let's do the time-warp again!"

"Let's do the time-warp again!"

"What's going on?" Wonka asked in confusion as Frank tried to make him dance to the music. "Why, Willy, we're doing the Time Warp!"

"What's a Time Warp?"

"What isn't a Time Warp?"

"What? That makes no sense."

"Does it? does it really?"

"No, it really doesn't make any sense. Tell me right now what's really going on."

"Oh, Willy. Just kick back and enjoy yourself for once. You're too uptight about things."

"I am not!"

"Are too."

"Are not! Look, I'll show you!" Wonka argued back, stepping into the middle under the spotlight. "Would an uptight person do... this?" He asked, snapping his fingers. From a cutout in the ceiling a small patch of wood flooring began to drop down, attached by strings, until it touched the floor. Wonka cut the strings and in seconds he was on the floor, dancing like a maniac. After a minute of warm up, Wonka got on the floor and, as unbelievable as it could be, began to break dance. The strangest thing was that he was actually good at it.

Frank continued to do the Time Warp, only his mouth was wide open as he watched the choclateer gettin' jiggy with it on the floor.

After several minutes Wonka stopped and did a backwards flip from the floor to land back upon his feet again. He made his way through the dancing Oompa Loompas and returned to Frank. "Wow, Willy! I didn't think you had that in you!"

Wonka brushed himself off in a very cool and casual manner and opened his mouth to reply, however he was cut off by a whistle from one of the Oompa Loompas. Wonka turned his head to see his can being tossed to him. He caught it in his right hand and pointed it to the ground and leaned against it.

"Well, now you know to never challenge Willy Wonka in a coolness duel. I'll always end up being the victor."

"Who says that you won? And who says that this was a 'coolness duel'? It's all good fun, Willy. Not everything has to be a contest."

"Not everything has to be a contest! Are you insane? Everything must always be a contest! Forever! Always! Everything is a contest! Everything... everything... contest..."

Wonka's thoughts faded together and he began to have some sort of strange flashback to when he was a little boy...

"Hi daddy!"

"What do you have there, William?" Wonka's father asked.

"Oh, it's nothing really special," Willy replied, holding out the paper in his hand to his father. "It's just my report card."

"Ahhh..." The father replied, looking over the marks. "What's this? An 80 in English? An 84 in Phys. Ed.? A 78 in History? A 94 in Home Ec.? William! What have you been doing all this time?"

"What do you mean, daddy? My marks are very good, if ask me."

"Well I was talking to your friend Petey's Mother just before you arrived. His marks were much better than yours. In fact he got about 6 points higher than you in everything except Home Ec."

"Well... daddy... it's not like this is a contest or anything. I'm not trying to beat anyone."

"Oh, well that's where you are wrong, son. It is a contest. Everything is a contest!"

"Now you're talking crazy, daddy. How can everything be a contest? You mean, if I'm reading a book it's a contest?"

"Yes."

"Riding a bike?"

"Yes."

"Shoveling snow?"

Yes.

"Using the toilet!"

"Yes! Everything is a contest! And don't you forget that, William. Because if I see these kinds of failures ever again I will stop feeding you!"

"But daddy!"

"Life is a contest."

Young Willy frowned and repeated dully after his father: "Life is a contest."

Wonka's flashback faded away and he was left standing in the hall once again. The Oompa Loompas had performed another disappearing act and were gone. The music was over. Frank was standing next to him still. "Is everything all right, Willy?" Frank asked.

"Yeah, sure... I just need to go lie down for a bit, I guess."

"Okay."

Wonka turned around and began to head in the direction of the sitting room. Only he was not able to make it there. BAM! He knocked into the glass elevator on his way and was out cold. Frank approached the fallen Wonka and peered over him sadly. "Well... at least he's lying down like he wanted to."