Denial

I embarrassed myself too many times today.

I tripped over a book lying on the floor and landed on my face, I dropped my glass cup, making it shatter into millions of sharp pieces, I knocked over my cup of milk and it splattered all over the table, and I even put my elbow in the butter dish.

All this I did in front of him.

The only safe refuge from my own destruction I can go to is my room, which is the place I am hiding right now. I don't know what's wrong with me, but with each look he gives me, I can't remember how to say anything and I just sit there, stunned. He smiles at me, and my legs turn into jelly. He compliments me, and I stare at him like an idiot.

I've caught a disease and he is my only cure.

But why am I acting like this? I don't understand my own doings. Could it be that I like him in that more-than-friends way? Maybe that's why I feel so strange around him?

No, no, no, no! That is NOT it! I do not like him that way! That crush I used to have on him is gone with the wind. Disappeared into oblivion. Vanished into nothingness. He is my friend, my buddy, my pal. That's it! There are no lovey-dovey feelings between friends!

I scream into my pillow out of frustration and confusion. What is this feeling I have for him? All of this is so new to me yet completely familiar and I feel like a foreigner to my own feelings and emotions. It's not like I asked to feel this way. But it's not bad or anything, this feeling is sort of...

Well, wonderful.

Just like him, he is so undescribingly wonderful.

I start thinking about his sun-kissed hair that's tied into that messy braid of his, and the way his bangs fall into his eyes.

Oh, his eyes. Golden and so intense that I can feel his pain when he looks at me.

His smile that's goofy yet completely serious, it's contagious.

I laugh when I think about his height. As they say, all good things come in small packages.

Then he has that well-built body, broad chest, and that six-pack- not that I've been looking or anything. I just... noticed.

Oh, Edward.

Oh, Edward.

Oh... NO! I'm doing it again! I'm thinking about him! I do not like him that way! I don't, don't, don't damn it!

"Winry?" his voice sounds from the other side of my door, making me snap out of my own conflict with myself. I rush over get my brush, and start combing my hair just so that it looks perfect- no, no! What am I doing! This is just Edward we're talking about! JUST EDWARD!

I throw the brush onto my bed as he knocks a second time.

"Winry? Are you there?"

"Yes?" I ask, smoothing out my clothes absent-mindedly.

"Can I come in?"

I open the door for him in response, and he walks in, standing in front of me with a perplexed look. He's so close; I can smell the scent of soap on him, like he just got out of the shower.

Oh man, he smells good too...

"Are you ok?" he asks me. Aw! He's concerned about me!... Not that I care or anything because that's what friends do. They care for each other in that un-romantic way.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I reply with a reassuring grin on my face. "Completely fine!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, yes! I'm fine!" and the next thing I know, I'm blabbering. "I'm in tip-top shape! Never better! Absolutely honky-dory! Feeling great! Awesomely alright!" Crazy! I've gone crazy!

No, I've gone crazy over him...

He puts a finger to my lips in a polite way of telling me to shut up. "Ok, I got it. You're doing fine. I just came in here to make sure you were alright because you were acting a little weird."

Great, he noticed that. I mentally kick myself for my odd behavior. "Yeah, I'm just having an off day is all..."

"Well, don't worry about it. Everyone has those types of days once in a while," he sweetly smiles at me. Oh, he smiles. He starts off towards the door. "But if you ever need me or anything, I'm here to talk."

"Yes, talk. Right," I find it hard to look him in the eye now. "Thanks, Ed."

He nods his head, and quickly takes a glance at me before leaving the room. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding, my heart pounds at a fast pace. I collapse onto my bed as the "Wonderful Feeling" sweeps over me in waves.

I don't know how much longer I can live like this, having these feelings for Edward.

Better yet, I don't think I can live much longer in total denial.