Starting Over
Chapter 2
Last night, I told Jim that I wanted to get a divorce. It wasn't easy, but I knew I had to do it. "We need to talk" I said after we finished our dinner of Chicken Carbonara. Jim and I made our way to the living room couch and sat down. "So, what do we need to talk about?" Jim asked. I got up and stood in front of the coffee table. When I opened my mouth to speak, no words would come out. "Well, we--uh, you know" I stuttered. "Come on, Christie. I can tell something's bothering you. You're avoiding the subject, you're stumbling upon your words. Just say whatever it is you have to say" Jim interupted me. Usually, I hate when people interupt me, but on this occasion I'm glad somebody did. I suppose it's just his natural instinct as a cop to pull the truth out of people. "Well, all right. Let me just get to the point. I want a divorce. There I said it". I closed my eyes for a few seconds and let out a small sigh of relief. "Was this a recent thing?" Jim asked while not looking up to follow the direction of the sound of my voice like he usually does. "No, no it wasn't. To be honest with you, I've been thinking about it for about a year and a half now" I replied after a small akward silence. Jim looked up towards my direction."To be honest with you? What the hell does that mean? So you've been hiding this from me for a year and a half? And you're always talking to me about being honest with you" Jim replied in his usual stoic manner. He always does this when I try to talk to him about something. Jim always gives me the third degree, he seems to turn all our conversations into what feels like a police interrogation. "Honestly, to be honest with you, means I was thinking about this for the past year and a half. I was actually going to tell you I wanted a divorce after we had that fight. You know, the fight we had before you left for work the night you were shot" I was explaining before Jim interupted me again. "I remember. You threatened to leave me. To find a divorce attorney. " Jim said.
I continued with my explaination,"But then when I got the call saying you were hurt, I rushed to the hospital, and the doctor filled me in on what happend. And when that doctor said you were shot in the head, your in a chemically induced coma, you may or may not survive. I thought back to our fight, and I felt terrible. After that, I just didn't have the heart to go find an attorney. Then Anne showed up. She asked about you, I asked her who she was. Anne said she was your girlfriend. My God Jimmy, do you have any idea what that did to me? Of all the times and places for a woman to find out about her husband's mistress. I was angry, yes. Then I saw you in the hospital bed, how vulnerable you looked. A few days later, we found out about your blindness and all the rehabilitation and support you would need. I just couldn't do it then. I figured you would need me more than I wouldn't need you". After I was done with my explaination, my eyes started to fill with tears. Jim was used to seeing me cry, these days it was more like hearing me cry. Jim stood up and put his head down looking at the hardwood floor of our apartment. When he finally looked up, his sightless eyes started to fill with tears. In the five years that we had been married, I had never, under any circumstances, see Jim cry. Not even once. And I had hoped to keep it that way, but it wasn't going to happen.
"I shoulda known. I shoula known the only reason you stayed with me was because I got shot" Jim said with a few tears flowing down his cheeks. "I honestly thought you stayed with me because you loved me, not out of pity. I would have rather have you leave me that day at the hospital than to stay with me for a year and a half out of pity. Guess I had it coming. I was a selfish jerk. I've done alot of growing up since then. I'm different now" Jim continued. When he said that, I didn't know if I should believe it or not. My mind said, yes Jim has changed since he was shot. But my heart said, no the only thing that is different about him is his sight. Without really thinking, I blurted out "No you haven't Jimmy. The only difference between you then and now is your sight. If you were to regain your sight this very moment, you would be out doing the exact same things you always did. It would be getting a couple of beers with the guys, we've got a big case on our hands so I gotta work late tonight". Jim looked over to his left as if he didn't want to see my reaction and said "Is there somebody else? Your boss seems to like flirting with you. He certainly didn't hide it at that pary last March. You sure you ain't got someone on the side?". I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing! Jim was accusing me of cheating on him? "No, Jim. There isn't anyone on the side. That's not how I do things. I don't keep my lovers on the side" I replied sternly. Jim slid his wedding ring off of his finger, laid it on the coffee table and said " This is it". Then I slid my wedding ring off my finger and laid it next to his.
A few minutes later, Jim gathered some of his clothes, razor, cell phone, laptop equipment, some food and toys for Hank, sunglasses, and his white cane. Jim slid into his trenchcoat, put the harness on Hank, and started walking towards the door. "Where are you going?" I asked. Jim replied quite honestly "A hotel room? Karen's apartment perhaps. Maybe Walter's place. I don't know yet. I don't really want to be here right now". Before I even got the chance to say something, he walked out of the door. And I sat down on the couch and wondered about what the following days and weeks will bring.