Oh really now, I'm blushing. That was quite frankly the most wonderful reveiw I have ever received from anyone LumChang, and I don't even think I'm very good at this either, so it's really made my dady for...about three days now...heheh. (although I don't have much of a life to begin with, it's really up there on my list of 'feel good things'. Yay moral boost!)
BoJang-good grammer...well that's also the first time I've heard that too. Awesome? Sweet Jumpin Jillybeans! is everyone trying to flatter me or something? I'm blushing, I really am. Okay fine, well I'm cackling at the same time, but that sort of ruins the effect, so for the sake of happy mental pictures, I'm blushing.
Ah. I should have made a stronger warning, oh dear.
To all who may be reading:
If you don't normally read shounan-ai (aka. Yaoi, Slash, Boy/Boy, M/M)...well I don't know how much of a tolerance you have for this kind of subject matter, I have a warning up for sensuality in some later chapter. It's not...sex or anything, but it has that sort of feeling to it (call it a sort of subtle undertone)...it's going to get messy near the end. I'm too much of a chicken and a noob to write a sex scene on my first slash fic, but I do not want to offend anyone. It is angsty, especially in this chapter. But that should come to be expected. Tsuka-chan is poster child angsty pretty boy, and I am an angst junkie. I couldn't resist. Forgive me. I'll make up for it with a guaranteed funny ending for anyone who might want to murder me by the end of this.
Another general announcement. If I still have interest, I hope to add a chapter every friday from now until completion at some distant time. I have approximately six chapters pre written, but my spelling and punctuation are atrocious--at least on first run (due in part to the fact that my laptop is dated back to the eighties, and therefore runs only wordpad, which does not underline either spelling or grammatical errors like Word does). I typically require a few days of revision each time I put my fingers to the keyboard--which is every night for at least an hour, because I am a nerd. Plus, if I were to post as it is, you would likely not receive my best work. My best work tends to come when I pick out things to add delete and change, minute details that add to the lovely angsty, romancy, in-bishie's-head experience. Plus on a decidedly more evil note, it gives people something to stress about in the week between updates (evil cackle)
Note to people reading. The POV basically changes back and forth every chapter or so. I have no guarantee that it will stay that way perfectly. But I'm likely going to have instances where the events overlap and you get the same thing happening but to both sides. However. I hope it will still be interesting enough that there will be no complaints.
ah, and finally, without further (major) interruption, I present part 2
warnings: general angstiness, shounan-ai, flashback in beginning(which should be fixed by those ruler lines in this chapter...I seem to have lost my little colons), evil cliffhanger of doom waiting at the end of the chapter to ensnare yet another unfortunate soul...all that good stuff
Tomonori's dark eyes looked at him kindly, sympathetically. Tsukasa's heart pounded. Hammering because of what he had the audacity to just do, and from fear and wonder of what Tomonori was going to do, going to say. Touching his face like that-was he going to kiss HIM? Tsukasa's insides fluttered at the thought. A small bubble of hope. Hope that he had really seen that tiny spark in his eyes, that he wasn't imagining it... But Tomonori only sighed, his eyes sorrowful, regretful, still cooly blank behind the shallowest emotions. Telling Tsukasa in advance that only sad news would come from that beloved mouth.
"I'm sorry..." Tomonori told him softly, his voice gentle."I wish I could make you happy...that would be worth it to me, but..." He looked away slowly, movements fluid, his hair hiding him, making Tsukasa feel distant and far away. Tsukasa couldn't tell what he was thinking. He couldn't ever...but before it had only made him wonder, made him guess, made him want to study him more closely, learn everything he could about him. Hoping that one day he could know exactly what he thought, what he felt, that he wouldn't have to guess. That one day he could be good enough for that sheild to melt away and that guard to lift, and him to see the real person in that face, within those black eyes--so exotic to a person raised forever in a sea of blondes, and winged creatures. A homogeneous sea where something like Lafayel's black feathers were a rarity, and something this dark, this simply contrasted was unheard of.
The pearlesque whites of his eyes, and a colorless perfect disk in the center, black on black, perfectly etched eyelashes around them, a soft slant at the corners, magnified ever so slightly behind those rimless lenses. He had never seen anything so liquidly and flawlessly black before...It never ceased to take his breath away to stare into that deepness... But now, it was like looking at a wall, and those black pools were locked behind ink, clouding his view of the soul within. Tsukasa felt as though he was on the outside of a steel wall. And he could only hear the snatches of whispered conversation deep within those walls, but never walk along those colorful thought-lined streets, never fully understand how Tomonori thought or if he was sheilding it from him or WHY he would sheild himself unless... Something was squeezing Tsukasa's chest. He couldn't breathe, dread filling him as he realized that if this tone meant what he thought it did, it meant that all his hopes were wrong. Tomonori's voice continued, pulling along a desperate captive, ahnging on to every word, looking for some scrap of something to hope for in them."I'm really not the right person for you...You'll see. You'll forget about me in no time...I'm sure you'll find out what I mean, then you'll understand." Tomonori said gently. But the gentleness, and the sympathy of the rejection didn't lessen it's sting; it only deepened Tsukasa's anguish. His throat suddenly grew tight, tears lingering in his eyes.
His hope was extinguished
Tomonori felt nothing for him.
He didn't feel this deep dark pull tugging him into a dream world where he was free to dwell on everything he could not have. He didn't feel this frustration, this terrible longing, aching more and more. Hour by hour. Day by burning day. He didn't want him to leave. But he didn't want Tsukasa's love. He wanted a son. He wanted to be a father to him. But being a father to him was not going to sate Tsukasa's desire for a lover. His kindness would not sate this ache for not just any person to love him, but for HIM, and him alone. He could only stand there and feel his throat burn as he fought to hold back those trecherous tears. Wishing that he had a wall of his own to hide his emotions behind. To hide some semblence of his dreams crumbling, and his hope fading away into dust.
Anything to sheild this brokeness.
Tsukasa wiped his eyes, blowing his nose for the third time. The tears wouldn't stop. His chest simply ached. From longing, from dejection, from what he couldn't call by any other name than LOVE. 'Oh what was I thinking?' He asked himself, wiping his eyes again. 'kissing him like that...I'm too childish. I'm too small. And I was horrible at it too-I know it wasn't supposed to hurt like that... How could I ever hope to repay all he's done for me? with THIS? By falling in love with him!' He choked down a loud sob. Burying his head in his pillow. Weeping bitterly. How could his heart still hurt so much? How could his chest be so painful if his heart had supposedly shattered into so many peices? If it was broken then why did it still seem to beat, and allow blood to to rush through his veins? If his heart had broken than why did he still wish so badly for the relationship he now knew would never occur? He placed a hand to his aching chest, feeling that trecherous heartbeat under his fingertips. "why?" he whispered to himself in a tone hoarse and thick, clouded with tears. This was the second time he had thought himself unfit to live. But to compare the murders of his past with something as seemingly trivial as this...it was only a mere crush right? It seemed wrong to compare something that should be so small with murder. Except...this ache. This knowledge that every day he would wake to see that damnably perfect, gentle human at the table reading his Bible with such attentiveness, such absorbtion into those ancient words. And every day, he would wish for those beautiful black eyes to stare into his with love, not mere fondness, something deep and dark and rich, something even deeper of an absorbtion in him than he showed that leather bound book. He would want something he could read plainly in his normally calm expression. He would long for those sensual pale lips to graze his own, for that soft voice to whisper "good morning Tsukasa-koi." for those powerful arms to cradle him and that voice to whisper things into his waiting ears, things that right now, would make even his impassive face blush crimson. Tsukasa felt fresh tears slip from his eyes at this perfect picture in his mind. Sights and sounds, and now that unbearable taste he had stolen for a moment...the memory haunting him. This fantasy almost more vivd than reality for how long he had spent, memorizing every minute detail into a scene from his paradise, the moments that haunted his dreams. Romantic dreams sometimes less chaste than his innocence, though often it was simple and pure, and just as simple as what he felt when awake. But no matter which, they were still a deadly secret. Only told to a simple journal tucked under his matress. His fairytale storybook, sometimes of which, he read over, a blissful smile on his face as he went over every dream, sleeping or waking, endless scenarios, endless times, endless places, endless little instances where they were together. His mind was filled again with that imaginary image of adoration in those beautiful black eyes. His chest ached peircingly for a moment at that perfect dream-memory. He gritted his teeth, fresh tears streaming from his eyes. He would see that every morning, and be interrupted by the reality asking him if he was alright, by his reality blinking curiously and asking him what he wanted to eat. And of course he would answer that he was fine as his heart broke all over again, and the human would smile, ruffle his hair-oh how could he possibly know what even that small show of simple affection made him feel?-and go on as though he was normal. Treat him kindly but not with a kindness bron of deep love, with a fondness that was friendly but nothing more. He ached so badly every time that happened, but before he had at least had some hope...now... His heart gave a sharp ache, his lips still throbbing. He had licked them clean for the merest taste of what he couldn't have, wishing so deeply for this not to be how his fantasy would turn out...being rejected, living forever more in shame of those feelings, and longing every second for what he wasn't allowed. 'I need to find him...I just need to see him again...apologize for all of this...' he wiped his eyes. He cautiously opened the door. "T-Tomonori-san?" he called hoarsely. He clamped his hand over his mouth suddenly. He couldn't let the human see him like this, he thought hurriedly while walking to the bathroom to wash his face free of tears before he found Tomonori. He had to keep this from Tomonori, let him think it was all a game or something, ANYTHING...he just...didn't want to worry him, not after all that kind man had done for him. He'd rather see a smile from him than a frown of gentle concern. Those rare smiles never ceased to make his heart pound faster...to make blood beat in his ears, to feel such terrible happiness if he was the cause of one-he so rarely was able to make Tomonori smile...but then again, nobody else seemed to be able to make him smile at all, and even when he did, it was often only when his steel wall of control flickered for the barest second. His smiles for Tsukasa came more commonly, when they were alone especially...oh how he knew that, how he had hoped that it was some shred of proof that Tomonori felt something for him as he did for the preist. But obviously now, it was not so. He dried his face with a soft towel. His bangs damp. He took a deep breath to prepare himself for more torture. "Tomonori-san?" he called in a much clearer sounding voice.
His brow creased worriedly. He couldn't sense him...maybe his senses were still clouded by his emotional charge. He took a deep breath, forcibly calming himself. walking slowly downstairs. "Tomonori-san?"
He felt fear rising. Room...empty...room...empty. the house was empty. Void of his presence. Tomonori was gone. 'maybe he had an errand to run...' but he noticed their dinner lay half cooked in the pan. The bottom nearly burnt. Tsukasa's eyes widened. It wasn't like Tomonori to just leave something on the stove. Something had happened that had forced him to leave.
"Oh my God." Tsukasa whispered. The fresh memory of him pushing too rashly, too eagerly to kiss him, and accidentally smashing his lips against his teeth plagued him again. He had tasted blood...seen it on Tomonori's lip. Watched him turn a surprising shade of red. Hoped it was because he felt the same. But no. It had been embarrassment. Shock. Horror. Humiliation...even defilement...he was a preist, who knew what Tsukasa's lack of control would cost him--hours of anxious prayer and confession! Tsukasa had likely put his very soul in danger with such an action.
His heart gave a terrible pang of Terror. Tsukasa gripped his chest, feeling his heartbeat run faster his breathing speeding.
He hadn't given it deep thought at the time, but Tomonori's wall against his emotions may have hidden a more frightened and disgusted reaction to him-perhaps even enough for him to...leave. "what was I thinking!" he whispered to himself, wiping his eyes. He felt his heart breaking, his very soul in pain at the thought of not having Tomonori there for him. He couldn't see the world without Tomonori as being happy, he was his sole strength in the world, the firm foundation upon which he stood, with the aid of the steeping stones who were his friends...He was the first thing he had ever loved about the Earth he had been cast down to...the only thing he loved in the romantic sense of the word, though he cared for him in more than the romantic sense. He would gladly give his life for him, even take it with his own hands if it would mean that Tomonori would live. But Tomonori was gone now... He felt panic begin to rise in him. What if Tomonori wasn't on an errand but was...gone. Forever. "Oh no...oh no...what have I done? What have I done?" He felt the room begin to swim, he felt his knees waver, his heart was jackhammering. "What have I DONE!" He cried, clutching his chest, tears spilling over his cheeks. He tried to stumble out the arch of the door, But his knees buckled beneath him. He fell to the ground with a gagging sob, balling up on the ground. The pain in his chest was excruciating. His scarred shoulders suddenly painful as well, something trickling down his back. He gave a whimper of pain, curling into a tight fetal position, a hand on his burning shoulder. A hand against this awful ripping in his chest, gripping it, hoping to somehow stop this searing pain. 'Tomonori-san! Oh please...don't...' Tears leaked from under his eyelids. He opened his eyes. The room was spinning much too fast. He was going to fall! No matter that he was already on the ground. He was going to fall! Just like he had fallen to earth. Uncontrollably. Unable to stop the decent with his feeble stunted wings...
"Oh...God...Tomonori-san...please...somebody...help me..." He choked out in a whimper, begging mentally for the human to come back, somehow stop this pain... The room suddenly went black with a final searing pain to his shoulders and back, making him draw in a sharp breath, crying out in anguish.
(end of part 2)
What's happened to Tsukasa? well...I suppose you are going to need to read on if you wish to know. (evil snicker) I'm quite welcome to flames about me 'killing Tsukasa'(which I am sure is in the paranoid mind of one rabid fangirl or another)-though I admit nothing to my plans of course. Only that you must wait and see. The next update is due the day after our dear Tomonori-san's birthday. Ah. I'll have to go write something wicked about that now won't I? Perhaps a humor fic...(muses) To whet the appetite, I have already begun a fic which is currently "in the oven". It bears a bit more humor than this one, and would only be romantic of sorts to the type of mind that sees this couple as inseperable under any circumstance. It's not shounan-ai by my definitions, no more than the actual manga that is. But likely it will end up as a mere pathetic one-shot of mine, so for a continuing TxT romance buzz, everyone who wants one will have to come to this lovely angsty story--for the time being at least. Ah, I'm so wicked aren't I?
Please reveiw for this pathetic writer who bears the name meaning "Mental Crap"
(oh!...I have fanart! Of both Tsukasa with wings looking cute and concerned, and Shiba sitting there looking unimpressed as ever--two seperate drawings...and the location/use of them is free to those who ask! Hint Hint!)