A/N: New chapter just for everyone, Merry Christmas to all! I was quick about putting this one up. So if you find spelling mistakes and such, that's why.

Okay, I think this story's going to end up longer than I anticipated. I actually didn't do an outline for it. It was going to be a one-shot, then became two chapters, then three... You get the idea. I wanted to leave it open to allow for anything to happen, and I see that it's working. Thus far, I'm rather pleased with the direction it's going. I love mental whump. Brings out emotions without resorting to fluffy mush, and kicks the angst to a mighty high level. Now, McKay, do you have what it takes to convince Sheppard that you're not out to kill him? Watch it, boy, he's still got the saw.

Part 5

Come Out and Play, McKay

Kate Heightmeyer couldn't help it. She wasn't a big fan of gossip, but she had to admit that it held a certain amount of psychological intrigue. Facts never stayed straight on a rumor chain but it had a way of opening people up without them realizing it. People took sides whether intentional or not, and from all the talk going on Kate was able to determine who stood where concerning Lt. Colonel Sheppard and his mind-altering illness. She had yet to dispense any overheard facts to others, and planned on never doing so. But listening in sparked a small twinge of guilt in her, as though she were supporting the chain when she should be trying to break it.

Rumors never break, they just become altered. Thus her guilt was minimal.

What was not minimal was her rising annoyance at the disrespect some people held for the Colonel. Some of the scientists, for the most part, as well as a few soldiers. She overheard them in the corridors, and was hearing them now in the mess hall as she ate a breakfast of eggs easy over and toast. They were spouting jokes and laughing loud – one table of three scientists, another table with four military.

" If the Colonel's got some freakin' disease then why don't they quarantine him? Screw the whole delicate... mental-crap thing. The guy's a health risk."

" ... I passed the infirmary. Could have sworn I heard him sobbing like a baby. Oh Teyla, hold me that I may wipe snot on your vest..."

That one got a few snickers, but a lot more glares from the rest of the mes-hall residents.

" No, no, no... more like Owe, doc, please don't hurt me, I hate needles!"

Snickers became raucous chuckles.

" Freakin' wuss..."

Kate dropped her fork and opened her mouth for the nastiest retort he could think of. She was beaten to the punch when Sgt. Stackhouse and seven other soldiers all stood to tower over the insubordinates and scientists.

" Shut the hell up, Mannings, or I will report your ass so fast it'll fall off!"

" Report to who, the invalid?" someone murmured, but the source of the comment was lost in the masses.

" Who the hell said that?" Lt. Johanson – one of the seven – snapped, glancing around.

Angie Bowmen, one of McKay's many verbally tortured assistants, tossed her fork on her tray with a clatter. " What the crap is wrong with people. Colonel Sheppard's sick..." she continued muttering as she picked up her tray to dump the remaining food. Kate was one of the few people who knew that Angie had a major crush on John.

Kate was learning who Sheppard's friends and enemies were fast. So far, it was reassuring to know that he had far more friends than enemies.

Dr. Beckett had filled Kate in on John's mental state, and what he told her had sent her reeling.

John was trapped in a nightmare of painful memories that shot into his mind without any restraint. He was expressing abject terror to the people who he had at one time trusted, because all he knew now was the bad, and couldn't help associating the bad with the people who cared about him.

Kate, of course, wanted to know more, but Dr. Beckett had been insistent that the fewer people who made contact with him, the better. It was a 'one person at a time' situation, and today it was Teyla's turn. A good choice to go with since the woman had such a calming aura about her.

Stackhouse and his friends were still towering, still arguing, and Kate was certain that a fight would break out at any moment. Several people decided to end breakfast early and either slink out or march off in a huff. The doors to the mess were in constant open/close motion.

Something gold in color, long and sleek, bounded into the mess. The creature paused to sniff the air, then twisted around to slither off into the kitchen. A scream soon followed, accompanied by the clatter of cookware. The creature scuttle out quick as it could with a piece of toast in its mouth, slipping through the opening Mess hall doors just as a female soldier entered, yelping and leaping back as the creature passed.

" What the hell was that!" Someone shouted.

" I thought Zelenka was being paranoid when he talked about a giant rat!"

Kate just furrowed her brow. Life was officially odd.

SGA

" Have you gone in to see him yet?"

McKay rolled his eyes, then tore them away from the data-base screen to glare at Zelenka.

" No, I haven't, all right? I'm a little preoccupied in the mass 'save Sheppard yet again' attempt by trying to dig up a stupid name for this stupid disease to see if there might be a stupid cure. And right now, I'm coming up with zip. All though it would probably go a lot fast if you didn't keep looking around. Atlantis doesn't have rats."

Zelenka, perched on a stool at another console, folded his arms and swiveled on the seat. " Tell that to the rat-like being I saw scuttling down the corridors. Believe me, Rodney, I do not know what it was, but its appearance was rather rat-like. Why haven't you visited John?"

" Uh, well, let me think. Because Beckett told us to leave him alone? Um, yeah, I think that's why. Sound like a good enough reason?"

Zelenka scratched the side of his head. " Teyla has gone to see him."

McKay snorted. " What can I say, the woman's brave. You weren't there. You didn't see what happened. Sheppard was ready to take us all down, and from what I heard he's still armed. Not really in the mood to tempt fate here." Rodney looked back at the console. " I have no intention of dealing with a man who probably has me on the top of the list on who to decapitate first."

" You don't really believe that, do you?"

" Do you hear me denying it? Right now, I think the Colonel has every reason to be particularly pissed at me. I tend to subject him to unpleasentries, if you haven't noticed."

" You are loud enough for the whole of Atlantis to notice," Zelenka mumbled under his breath.

" I meant subject him to devices!"

" Oh, that. How often does that really happen, though?"

McKay did another derisive snort. " I don't know, why don't you ask Sheppard, I bet he's keeping count."

" You are over reacting. Besides, you told me John was acting afraid of everyone. If Dr. Beckett has spoken to him and lived, why not you?"

McKay reached into his pocket and pulled out a power bar.

You want to know why, doc Z? You want to know why I won't see him? Because that isn't Sheppard in there. Beckett can spout his reassurances all he wants, but that X-ray triggered something. It had to. This didn't all start until after the fact. So it's my fault. I broke Sheppard. End of story. John has every right to be afraid of me, so why should I be the one to give the guy a heart attack just to have a pointless heart to heart?

" Just drop it, Zelenka. We have work to do." Rodney took a bite of the bar, then set it down on the non-electrically sensitive part of the console. He began scrolling through more data, muddling through translating them, when he heard a high whuffing sound. Rodney looked up and glanced around. He turned his head in time to see some sort of massive golden rodent leap up and snatch his bar from off the console.

Alarmed, Rodney jerked back and fell from his seat, gaping at the scurrying/slithering furry body slipping out of the room through the doors that actually opened for it.

" What the... What was...!"

Zelenka was already out of his seat and running to the door. " See! See! Giant rat! We need to catch it before it decides to chew through something..." Zelenka's voice faded down the corridor.

McKay was still too startled to move from off the floor. He then glowered.

" That little rat took my bar."

" Oh buck up. McKay, you have a whole stash of them... well... everywhere."

McKay snapped his head around, then scrambled to his feet in an attempt to back away, only to fall on his rear again. He stared open mouth at himself sitting Indian style on the console Zelenka had occupied. His double pointed at him, shaking a finger.

" Funny, that's pretty much the same way Carson reacted. John nearly drowned, but I'd been a dolphin at the time, which I suppose is a little shocking in itself since we're on an alien planet."

McKay blinked rapidly several times for a moment before he finally pushed himself to his feet, straightening his clothes with two irritated tugs. Rodney had become accustomed to oddities over the years, and was not about to invest any energy and time gawking at this one. He pointed at his twin, and opened his mouth.

" No I'm not an Ascended!" Twin snapped.

Rodney snapped his jaw shut.

" And since when have wraith ever gotten this good with their illusions?"

Rodney dropped his hand. Twin hopped off the console and stood with hands folded behind his back, rocking on his heels and smirking.

" Call me CJ, or not. But I find it more convenient than thing, it, whatchamacallit. Rodney, we need to have a talk."

Rodney's jaw dropped open again. He narrowed his eyes at... himself... then slowly began circling... himself. He lifted his finger for another feeble act of pointing. " Uh..."

" Oh I'd love to explain what I am, because it'd probably make a little sense to you. Just consider me your friendly neighborhood energy entity on a mission to aid a mutual friend. Namely Sheppard."

McKay stopped and jerked back. " What about Sheppard? Are you torturing him? Did he send you here?" Then Rodney gasped. " Wait. This -this is a..."

" Oh don't you even go there, I am not a hallucination. Just ask the good doctor, he'll confirm it. You didn't catch the virus, McKay, so don't flatter yourself with the idea. I don't want to have to deal with your hypochondriac pity party right now, so just suck it up."

Rodney stiffened with indignation, hiding behind it his ever increasing shock. This thing might have been wearing his body, but its mannerism was too reminiscent of a certain Lt. Colonel.

CJ's smirk broadened. " Why, thank you McKay. I had a feeling that the Colonel and I had a lot in common. Speaking of the Sheppard, I highly recommend you go visit him. The moral support might do him some good."

At this, McKay tilted his head back and rolled his eyes. " Great, now weird energy aliens are prodding me. Don't I get a say in anything?"

" Does John?" That time, the voice had sounded strangely like Sheppard. Rodney lowered his head and jumped on seeing the Lt. Colonel standing before him, wearing that cocky smile of his. McKay took an involuntary step back.

" Gee, Rodney, I thought you'd be more thrilled to see your best buddy standing in front of you."

Rodney narrowed his eyes. " You're not John, and John isn't my buddy."

CJ shrugged. " Wow, you sure fooled me. Didn't think you had that much control over your own subconscious to be able to fool a telepath, but... So I guess your concern is just a cleverly planned act in case someone happened to be reading your mind?"

McKay widened his eyes in horror. " Reading my... Don't you dare try and read my mind?"

The smile left the John-like visage of the entity. " Oops, too late."

McKay let out a bitter bark of laughter. " You really are like John, and that's not a compliment! It's sick is what it is. Why are you pretending to be him?"

" I'm not, I'm just borrowing his form. Thought it might spark a little desire to go down and see your pal. Oh, wait, that's right, he's not your pal. Now that is sick, making Sheppard think you're his friend. He really does think that, you know. Caught a glimpse of it before the virus blocked all the good stuff out so that only the bad would come through."

McKay squinted again. " Huh?"

" Sheppard's having a hard time recalling the good 'ole days – of any kind. It's why he's so afraid. He's confused. He needs a little help remembering."

" Remembering what?"

CJ shrugged. " Oh, you know, why he thinks you're his friend, when apparently you're not. Maybe you should go down there now and help clear that up for him. Sadly it would make things worse, but at least you'd get it out in the clear, and then maybe he wouldn't have to feel so burdened with saving your ass all the time..."

" Stop it! Just stop it, all right! Crap! What are you, the ghost of Christmas everyday? I don't need some spook sending me on a freakin' guilt trip, gosh!"

The entity chuckled softly. " Ghost of Christmas everyday, I like that one. Listen, Rodney, I wouldn't be sending you on a guilt trip if you weren't already feeling guilty. You're blaming yourself for what's happening to John. But you know what? John's right, it isn't your fault. Beckett and I have been doing a little brainstorming, and the way we figure it, the mental breakdown was the next step in the illness. We think the virus distorted John's mind when he stepped onto the X-ray device, because according to his rather disturbing memories, that had been the height of his fear."

" What fear?"

" Wasn't John reluctant to step on that thing?"

" Yeah, but..."

CJ nodded. " I know, he did it. Like he was really going to tell you he was scared. But, hey, guess what, he was, and then the virus struck, and now the terror won't stop."

McKay's heart plummeted. " Then – then it is my fault."

" Maybe, but probably not. You didn't force him to step on it. He could have said no. There's a reason why it's said that pride comes before the fall. John didn't want to back down because he knew you'd get after him about it, never let him live it down."

" Ha! see?"

" I'm not finished. He also stepped on it to prove to himself that he wasn't afraid, to not give in to fear. Being a soldier, he can't afford to cater to what he's afraid of. It starts with him refusing to step on a machine, and the next thing you know he's too afraid to go on missions because he might get shot at."

McKay cocked in eyebrow in confusion. " So, it's the military's fault."

CJ's form fizzed, and McKay's own form replaced that of Sheppard's. " Stay with me here, doc. It's no one's fault. Not your's, not John's, not the military's. It just happened. Fear was what he was feeling, so fear became stuck in his head. That's why you need to go talk to him, to help him fight that fear. He knows your his friend, he just needs help remembering. So stop floundering in self pity and go help your friend. Crap, McKay, he would have done the same for you hours ago."

Rodney wanted to fire a retort, spew out his indignation, argue that this alien entity didn't know what the hell it was talking about. Except that it read minds, so knew exactly what it was talking about.

Rodney straightened, tensing his jaw. " I suppose, then, you're aware that I'm rather... uncomfortable... with..."

" Seeing him in the state he's in? Oh yeah, I hear that loud and clear. Like I said before, just suck it up. In fact, think about that state he's in, let it motivate you." CJ's form wavered, and was replaced with Sheppard again – a sick, pale, unsteady, subdued Sheppard looking thinner than normal in the loose scrubs. " Maybe this'll help?"

A lump formed in Rodney's throat, so he swallowed it back. " That – um – that bad, huh?"

" Oh, worse, actually. He can hardly move. Hasn't been able to let Carson give him pain medication."

Rodney wanted to strangle himself. He'd practically turned his back on John.

" Forget about it, McKay. Just go talk to him. I'll meet you down there."

With that said, CJ vanished. Seconds later Zelenka walked in, out of breath and shaking his head. " I lost it." He then halted, glancing McKay over.

" Rodney?"

Rodney snapped from his daze with a twitch of his head. " I've gotta go." He hurried out the door, giving Zelenka's shoulder a quick pat along the way. " You'll catch it!" he called out behind him. " Just build a big mouse trap!"

SGA

John hardly had an appetite, so the majority of the food on the tray was still on the tray; cold, dry, and gradually sinking into being inedible. Only the glass of milk was empty thanks to John's overbearing thirst that had been ignored in his panic.

The little food he'd managed to get down was doing its job, and fueled John's limbs with enough strength to push himself up onto his hands rather than just his elbows. But Beckett, through CJ, had insisted that John remain prone. The situation with his bones was too precarious to risk any sitting up.

It pissed John off, the fact that he was frail as a brittle old man. He was vulnerable, ripe for taking down, and it made his heart slam hard enough for him to hear it. The smells of disinfectants and chemicals – scents of the sterile infirmary – played havoc with his imagination, pulling up images and memories of medical labs where experimentation was the goal, not healing. But even that became shoved to the back of his mind when Teyla arrived.

She was now sitting on folded legs several feet from him with her hands clasped together on her thighs and her expression serene. But the reaction of John's mind was to see a woman poised on the brink of acting, readying to strike at any moment. And despite Beckett's and CJ's warnings, John had pushed himself onto his elbows, gripping the saw tight in both hands. He ignored the growing ache in his shoulders.

They remained silent for a long time, and that silence began hacking away at John's nerves.

What is she waiting for? Why doesn't she strike? She hates me, she's toying with me. Where's CJ? He would know what she's thinking. I need to know what she's thinking.

It was growing harder to stay up, and he clenched his jaw in an attempt to hide any expressions of pain.

He still sucked at it. Teyla's face lined with concern.

" Are you all right, John? Are you in pain?"

Images of wraith darts snatching humans, and images of wraith culls, flashed like lightening into John's brain.

" Would it make you happy if I was?"

Teyla shifted ever so slightly, and John flinched. Her expression shifted from concern to alarm.

" Why would your pain ever make me happy?"

When the ache became all-consuming pain, John's arms buckled and he fell back to the bed, with more pain flooding out from his chest. He grimaced, uttering a broken whimper, then gasped.

" You know why!" he barked out in a cracked voice. " You hate me. I know you do. I brought the wraith to your people, took them away from their home, woke the wraith up. I ruined your lives!"

Teyla's features softened back into concern. " John, I do not hate you, and I do not blame you. I never have. You saved my people, even risking your own life to do so. You saved my life on many occasions. You are my friend, John, and seeing you in pain hurts me."

John squinted his eyes. The words sounded wrong to him, off according to his recollection, but he absorbed them, held to them, yet could not stifle his need to be wary of the Athosian woman.

" You're not mad."

" Of course not, John. Why would you think that?"

John, against every scream of warning pounding in his head, closed his eyes. The act made him tense up in readiness, and he had to fight to keep his eyes shut.

" I'm... confused, Teyla." He snapped his eyes open when he could no longer stand it, and when more images of culls, screams, pain, and destruction clouded his thoughts. The burden of what he had done was smothering him, and even Teyla's soothing assurances couldn't dispel it.

" You aren't... You won't... You're not... going to – hurt me?" He then laughed so bitterly it verged on a sob. " I'm so freakin' pathetic..." A tear rolled down his face. He then coughed, hard, expelling some of the phlegm still coating his lungs.

" I'm sorry, Teyla, for what it's worth. I'm sorry I woke up the wraith, activated that beacon. I'm sorry for what I did to your people."

" John, don't be, please..."

" I am, Teyla. And, hell, I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I feel that way when you don't want me to, and that it's upsetting you. But the way I'm going, I'll probably be sorry for being born. It's not you Teyla... It's me. I'm sorry for a lot right now. I want to believe you won't hurt me, but right now it's like trying to convince a paranoid schizophrenic he's not hearing voices. And I'm hearing a lot of voices."

Teyla smiled sadly. " It is all right, John. I know. But be assured, I have never blamed you for anything. You are my friend John, and I care about you, and you have no reason to be sorry."

John nodded, igniting a dull throb in his head. He flinched when Teyla shifted again. Another wave of guilt and fear washed over him, and he nearly let slip a beg for Teyla not to hurt him. But he quelled it by going over Teyla's words again and again, branding them into his mind, then pulling them back up when the guilt returned. It was the best semblance of control he could muster.

' Hey, John, over here."

John looked past Teyla to see long-haired tabby cat rubbing up against one of the infirmary beds.

' Just thought I'd give you the heads up. You've got another visitor. Care to guess who?'

John wrapped both his hands around the handle of the bone saw and tensed.

" Rodney," he breathed darkly. Teyla furrowed her brow.

" Rodney?"

" He's here."

Teyla, glanced over her shoulder, then slowly rose to her feet, backing away from John so as not to startle him. John heard voices talking in low tones out of sight, and he ignored the aches to prop himself back up.

CJ the cat vanished only to reappear at the corner of John's mattress, wearing John's healthy, mission ready form. " You did good with Teyla," he said. " And you didn't even need my help."

" Where were you!" John snapped, his eyes darting from the entity to where the others were standing out of sight.

CJ's face betrayed his slight discomfort. " Um, John, you know what humans say about conquering fears, right?"

John closed his eyes and groaned. " Ah, man, you brought him here?"

" Yeah, John, I did. I mean if you don't want to talk with him, that's fine, but I really think a little heart to heart with McKay might help. I mean, yeah, you still won't let Beckett even touch you or Teyla near you, but at least you don't react on seeing them by readying that saw. Think of it this way. Your mind's making you believe you're surrounded by the enemy, so it stands to reason that you need to start making a few allies. That and I think we're starting to make a breakthrough."

John dropped back onto the bed, only to push himself up again. " What do you mean? Sure as hell doesn't seem like it to me."

" Probably not, but you're not really seeing what I'm seeing. I guess you can say that you have something to fall back on, new memories your brain's unable to shut out. The fear comes crashing the party, then the words Beckett and Teyla said step in to calm things down a notch. You have something to fight back with, and you seem to be using it so far. You actually ate some of the food Carson brought. I'd give you a cookie for that, but..." He made to set his hand down on John's bare ankle, only to have it pass right through. John jerked in alarm.

" Sorry," CJ said.

" Okay, that makes no sense," a familiar, petulant voice butted in. John snapped his head around to land his terrified gaze on the Canadian physicist. Rodney was standing several feet away with his hands in his pockets and his stance rigid. " How come you can sit on that mattress but not be able to touch Sheppard?"

CJ grinned. " Mind over matter, McKay. But the truth is I'm not really sitting, more like hovering. Your mind doesn't see the difference. This form is an illusion, McKay, and that goes for everything this form does."

" Oh yeah? What's your real form then?"

" Depends. Sometimes a really shiny, pretty mist full of shiny, pretty colors. Sometimes a slight shimmering in the air like heat coming off of asphalt in the summer. Sometimes nothing you can see with the naked eye, only what can read with a very sensitive detector or see with a very powerful microscope."

Rodney, biting his lip thoughtfully, nodded. " Huh. That might explain why Grodin's having a hissy-fit over Atlantis' energy readings."

" Probably. Are you here to discuss my attributes, or for something I would deem a smidgen more important?"

Rodney's eyes flicked over to John, and John's heart lurched. He had watched McKay the entire conversation, but now that the scientist's attention was on him, his mind exploded with a thousand images at once. Devices, devices, and more devices, and McKay telling him to activate them all.

Blinding light, an overabundance of terror, and terrible pain.

John managed to go from his elbows to his hands, but that was it. His arm shook with the pain shooting up and down his arm from his shoulder to his hand, especially the shoulder where the mini-barracuda had bitten him. He began panting, seething, strings of saliva flying from his lips and stretching down past his chin.

" Go ahead, John, say it," CJ urged.

" I will not step on that glass, McKay. You can just go to hell!"

CJ grimaced, sucking a hiss of air through his teeth. " Okay, could have done without the 'go to hell' part. Your turn, McKay."

McKay never took his uneasy gaze from John. He had both hands raised as though he were facing an armed robber rather than a sick man with a saw.

" My turn? What do you mean my turn? What do you want me to do, go to my knees and beg for forgiveness?"

CJ smirked. " We'll save that for when things get really bad. Relax, McKay. Being uneasy makes Sheppard uneasy, and I really don't think we want that. The Colonel just said he didn't want to step on the glass. Now you respond by saying..."

McKay winced. " Don't be such a wuss?"

CJ narrowed his eyes. " Try again. Remember that little talk we had in the lab? And put your hands down."

Sighing, McKay dropped his hands to his side, sagging his shoulders. " What am I supposed to say?"

John swallowed tightly, his head pounding with constant recollection barrage. " I will not go on it again!"

" John..."

John shivered. The memories were overlapping with his reality, and even he wasn't sure as to what he was saying, only that it needed to be said. He needed to prevent – something – from happening again. He didn't want to go back to the device.

" It tried to kill me McKay, it tried to freakin' kill me! It tried to kill me. I'm not going back. I won't go back."

Rodney nodded jerkily. " All- all right, John. It's okay, You – you don't have to. Y-you never have to. J-just say no, right?" he said with a pathetic half-laugh. " Hell, if you want, I'll even blast the thing so you never have to see it again."

" Wow, he's telling the truth, John. Sweet. Let's take him up on it."

Rodney glared at CJ, then looked back at John. The apologetic and woeful expression on Rodney's face caused John to mentally stumble, interrupting the memory assault for a brief moment. Never in John's acquaintanceship with Rodney had he ever seen the scientist wear such a look of raw, unhindered emotion. The sincerity of it was undeniable, yet the fact that John had never seen Rodney with such a look made him cringe.

It's a trick.

" No it's not, John. What you're seeing is for real. Want me to have Carson take a picture?"

" John?" Rodney said, almost pleadingly. " I know you're probably really sick of hearing this, but I'm really, really, really, really sorry. I -I hate it when this kind of stuff happens. You remember how you told me you wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for the gene? Well, you're right, you wouldn't. You'd be back on earth, healthy, and sane. You wouldn't be going through this crap. But I swear, John, we're going to make this right. We're going to find a way to stop this. I mean, we always do, don't we? Something happens, we ship you to the infirmary, and find a way to make you... better. Well, you're in the infirmary, so the next step would be to fix you. So... just... hang on. We're gonna help you, like we always do. Um... yeah."

Rodney stuck his hands back in his pockets, nodded, and glanced around in casual observation. " Yeah."

John's arms couldn't take anymore, and gave up on holding him up. He lowered himself toward the mattress, then dropped the rest of the way. With Rodney done talking, the images started up like a wagon being pushed down a hill and gaining momentum. He closed his eyes, and the memories coalesced with Rodney's words. The contradiction was confusing as all crap, and he didn't know which to focus on.

" The words, John, the words."

John sighed, then began laughing softly.

" What?" Rodney demanded. " What're you laughing at? You're really cracked, you know that Sheppard?"

John laughed a little louder. " I know. I'm freakin' screwed up." He shuddered fearfully, but kept laughing. " I'm afraid of you, Rodney. You. I'm freakin' afraid of you."

He heard Rodney snort. " What, you think I can't be intimidating when I want to be?"

" No. No. It's not that... You're my friend. I'm afraid of my friend. I know you're my friend and I'm still afraid of you." Laughter awakened a stabbing pain in his side, and the breath caught in his throat. He gasped and curled into himself, his laughter sinking into a sob. The pain was excruciating, and created a domino affect of even more pain in his shoulder, leg, back, and chest. He rolled onto his back, arched his spine, straightened and bent his leg, but the only relief he got was the pain becoming an ache, only to become pain again.

" John?" Rodney said.

" He's hurting, Rodney. Give him a moment," CJ replied.

And a moment later, the pain abated. John made a mental note never to laugh again. He rolled back onto his side.

" Ah, man this sucks!" he groaned.

He heard something rattle, and opened his eyes to see a small, brown bottle rolling his way. He reached out a limp out to grab it, and lifted it toward his face to read the label.

" Beckett says to take one," Rodney said. " He also said something about trusting him whether you like it or not?"

John smiled, and despite his mental promise, allowed himself a small chuckle. He popped the cap off the bottle and shook a pill into his hand. A thousand shouts of warning resounded in his skull. He stuck the pill into his mouth and swallowed it dry before the screams were the only sounds he heard. He then let his head fall onto the mattress.

" Insanity's a bitch."

SGA

CJ, still wearing John's form and perched on the edge of one of the infirmary tables, swung his legs back and forth as he watched Rodney pace. Carson was standing at the opposite end of the table with his arms folded and his leg twitching. It had the makings of a secret club meeting, a club CJ had involuntarily started in his endeavor to help Sheppard.

Carson's discomfort of CJ was a lingering presence in his mind, but Rodney was too busy being in Rodney-mode to give any attention to discomfort. CJ could take the form of a giant purple rabbit and Rodney wouldn't even notice. Carson, on the other hand, would have died of a heart-attack. He seemed ready to at any moment.

" I can't find anything in the data base," Rodney said. " I mean I know I haven't been searching long, but I've found diseases with similarities with John's, just not the disease itself. Personally, I don't even think it's in the database. The diseases I looked up were categorized by their effects and potency, so I should have found it by now."

" Come on McKay," CJ said. " With you and doc on the case, this should be a cake walk."

McKay, still pacing, rolled his eyes. " Please. I mean thanks for the vote of confidence, but I'm running out of ideas and Carson looks ready to bolt."

" I am not," Carson said defensively.

" He's not," CJ responded.

Rodney rounded on the entity, frustration rolling off him like a scorching wind. " What is it you expect us to do? What were you hoping to accomplish by having us talk to John, huh? He's still paranoid out of his skull and won't let us near him, and we still haven't discovered squat about this virus except that it has a soft spot for the Ancients..."

" You got him to take some pain medication," CJ said. " I'd say that's a good start. You need to expand your horizons a little more, McKay. Think beyond databases."

" What's that supposed to mean?"

" It means not all answers are recorded," CJ replied. " Ever think for a moment that this virus is some kind of mutation or the brain child of biological engineers?"

At this, CJ felt the wave that was epiphany from both Rodney and Carson. Carson pointed at Rodney.

" That facility you were studyin' with Ilian. You mentioned you had some suspicions that it might have been a sort of hospital?"

McKay nodded as his thoughts sent ripples through the mental ambient only CJ was aware of. CJ grinned. " That's it McKay, now you're cookin'."

" Stop that."

" Stop what?"

" You know what. Poking around in my head. And, yeah, that place had the makings of some kind of infirmary. I mean it does have a super X-ray that would make you drool, Beckett." Then Rodney snapped his fingers. " And the Colonel didn't start getting sick until after we visited that world. And if that place had a few labs..."

" Then there could be a few lingerin' germs about," Carson finished.

CJ clapped. " Congratulations, you are now officially thinking as one. Now..." CJ felt another ripple, one he didn't like, and shot a narrow-eyed gaze at Rodney. " Oh no. You cannot bring that Ilian guy in on this. I may not have met him personally, but you don't have to read thoughts to know John hates that guy. How do you think he's going to react when he sees him?"

Rodney folded his arms to become visually uncomfortable. " I know, I know. But that facility is Ilian's project and chances are he's going to want to be in on anything concerning the Ancients and whatever comes from that world. Well, I don't know, maybe he'll back off if we ask him..."

CJ glared. " Rodney, I can practically taste your doubt, and it's nasty. You may have hit it off with the guy, but you don't trust him as far as you can throw him. And John would very much like to throw him off a cliff. Or at least use that saw he has a death-grip on. Do you know why I appeared to you two and not anyone else so far?"

" I've been wondering that," Rodney replied without hiding his suspicion (as if he could).

" Because you two are the ones best suited to help John against this virus, and I needed to prepare you so you would know how to handle him on a mental basis. Well, that and I've never been fond of making numerous appearances to numerous people, but that's beside the point. When it comes to him being any kind of fragile, it's his mind you need to be the most careful around. Sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's not, and therein lies the problem. It could get worse. It could reach the point where he feels driven to massive self defense or suicide. You're his friends and look how he reacts around you. It's going to be ten times that around Ilian."

" He has a point," Carson said. " I've seen the way Moranga acts around Sheppard, and so have you Rodney. If Ilian finds this virus fascinatin' in the name of science, then he'll treat John as nothin' more than an object, a lab rat to be dissected."

Rodney mentally shivered at that, and CJ caught the memories of the scientist talking with John after the X-ray deal.

" Lab-rat, McKay. Is it just me, or are those two words really starting to describe who I am?" But CJ decided not to comment on the thought since the Canadian was agitated enough.

" The virus might have even originated from that world," McKay said, about to pace a hole in the floor. " Some diseases take days to incubate, right?"

Carson shook his head sadly. " Not this one. It works fast. You suspect that Ancient lab, and I'm inclined to agree with you."

McKay finally stopped pacing, casting his gaze to the floor and standing perfectly still. The turmoil in his head was like churning water to CJ.

" For all we know, Ilian already has data on this virus." Rodney's desire to help John and his desire not to cause John any more pain conflicted on a massive scale, and CJ felt bad for the physicist. Rodney then turned to look at both Carson and CJ.

" Isn't there a chance this virus might just die out once John's immune system attacks it?"

" I'd personally rather not take the chance," Carson said. " If I can get John to let me check him, I might be able to tell you more." He then looked at CJ. " Is there a way to convince John to let me near him?"

CJ shrugged. " Probably. If you work alone, explain things to him. He will try to trust you, doc. It's just going to be one hell of a fight. You'll have to work fast before he gives in to panic. There's times when he can't control it no matter what he does. I'll warn you if that's about to happen."

Carson sighed and slumped. " Thanks, I think."

CJ turned his attention to Rodney. " If there's a way to get Ilian to help without him having to see Sheppard, I'd go for it. Chances are, an encounter will be inevitable. I don't like it, John'll hate it, but seeing as how I've appeared to three people, I'd say things are at the 'whatever it takes' stage."

Rodney and Carson exchanged worried looks, and CJ felt their concern vibrate the very air.

They heard John cough, harsh and raspy, gasping in ragged breaths afterwards.

" I think he's soundin' worse," Carson said.

SGA

A/N: Oh yeah! Bring on the whumps! As the saying goes, things are only going to get worse before they get better.

For those of you reading my CSINY fic, the reason I haven't posted new chapters is not because I'm working on Just Keep Swimming. I'm coming down to the wire in that story, so I'm going to be taking even more time with it to get everything right. I've also had to do a little rearranging with the outline, including adding on a few more bits here and there, so chapters may be slow coming. But I am not taking a break with it, and I am planning on finishing it. I'm looking way too forward to the ending to stop.