Hi again. Up in a month. Like I promised…Oh fine, it's a little late. But it's unintentional. I was delayed. Hurricane Katrina (as a category 1 storm) hit Florida and I didn't have power for a little while, then we were busy helping out with cleanup, then I got in trouble and my electronics privileges or home were revoked (my school privileges are what allow me to keep my journal, and read fics. My home privileges are what enable me to write fics.) then we got pasted by tropical storm Rita's winds…etc. Hurricane season is a pain in the ass for my update schedule (growls), I intended to have this up by Tuesday instead of Thursday, but hey…there wasn't school, and Wednesday I was out all day on an art field trip. I'm grateful for the extra two days though, because I think I made the scenes a little less confusing in that amount of time…I think… (nervous) It's still confusing (I always seem to screw up Tsukasa's dream scenes…bugger…)
(sighs heavily) I tried to explain…I…I dunno, I guess It's my ex-starwars nut thing coming back to haunt me. I had to make Tsukasa a little less…human (I mean come on! He's an archangel, he shouldn't be acting human in his head. He should be at least a LITTLE different) I hope I haven't stepped over the boundaries of 'artistic license' in doing this but…well…I'm kinda glad it turned out that way…he did I mean. (Oy, I can't talk today!) (ahem) Anyway, I had a little fun in his head. Poor Tsukasa…so confused… (pats his head) I'm messing with all of them aren't I (purely evil cackle) But I'm trying to make Tomonori human (and smart too…because he is) and I'm trying to make Tsukasa a little more angelic/eraser-ish. I can't quite tell for the former, but the latter is pleasing me well enough for now…(smirk) Of course the dream scenes are confusing (even to me) But I think I can make sense out of it before the end…And I believe I've decided what storyline I like, so yes, praise God! (grins happily) I'm already working on part eight.
Once again, forgive my tardiness, it's been really making me upset as well, but I had a lot of work to actually do for once. Hopefully, it won't happen again. (sigh) I can't promise because quite frankly, I don't read the future…but if it is at all within my power to do what I say I will and keep my word, I will. Part eight may take close to a month to get up, but it shouldn't be a longer wait if I can help it. I can't afford to let other things go for this the way I used to, but I hope to still keep to my promise of steady (if slower) updates.
—this area once held a soap box rant that should have never seen the light of day—
(pales) I had NO idea I kept that there. If you read that, I BEG your pardon! I-I er…(coughs nervously) I was on a roll rant-wise. I italicz-ed it so I would remember to remove it later. (blushes deeply) Oh God. I can't believe I forgot! (hides face and moans to herself) I saved it someplace else, just in case I get people after me for deleting that…but still. That CERTAINLY wasn't supposed to go up. (blushes again) Oh my GOD, what was I thinking? (groans)
(ahem…looks embarrassed) Oh one last thing…the parodies seem to be well liked…and I have to admit, I'm having fun…I think they're staying. (giggle)
Lets see if I can make my authors rants shorter than usual eh? I know I bore and tire people with my incessant gabbing.(smile)
Dedications: I dedicate this chapter to Foolish Mortal! Foolish Mortal: 'cause you found time to review…and you write good fics too… I command all who read this to go read their truly awesome fic, 'The Angel'. A poem-fic to William Blake's "The Angel"(oh! Convenient!). It's creative, it's descriptive (though not as bad as me…far more manageable(sweatdrops while looking over the last two chapters of Control)), and best of all, it's TXT done a new way!…yes! You heard right! Unlike my 'Tsukasa pines for Tomonori but despairs of him ever finding out' sort of Tsukasa stemmed writing…FM has made a fic where Tomonori's the unrequited lover, and Tsukasa's the one who can't find out! W00T tables turned! It's absolutely my favorite fic! Consider everyone here commissioned. Loyal readers, I would be MUCH obliged if you would go over and read FM's fic, and leave them a review…because their fic is righteous fury in all it's incandescence itself…I commission thee to go and read at least the first chapter! GO FORTH!
Also to Argent Inluminai who gives me long reviews, and seems to actually have enough personality to say something other than, 'oh…nice story, nice chapter. Your paragraphs suck. Tomonori/Tsukasa is sooooo awesome, I want to have their babies!' (cracks up) Nice to know that there is intelligent life in the fandom. (grin) By all means Keanu Reeves, dodge the raging rabbitholes!
Also to everyone who restrained from beating the crap out of me for lousy paragraphs. You have no earthly idea how much I love you tolerant people. (sigh of relief)
Warnings: Tsukasa swearing ((gasp!) Amou-kun, you potty mouth! Shame on you!), typical shounan-ai kissin'(do I even have to say it anymore? This is a TXT fic remember? (Er…It's rated T for a reason you know, I didn't just suddenly decide 'hey there's a letter T! I like the letter T! K and A suck! Tch. If it didn't have all the kissing and graphicness, I probably wouldn't have rated it so severely now would I?(sweatdrop)), multiple personality disorder…um…not really…but sort of (shrug), a possible setup for a misunderstanding on the part of the fangirls… (what is it with you people and sex?), Tsukasa being almost creepily stalkerishly obsessed with –guess who—Tomonori…(Yeah you knew that, but still…) other than that and the lunacy of the end of chapter parody (which doesn't count)…it's basically fine. If you've managed to survive past chapters, this one isn't going to knock you dead in shock…I would hope it doesn't at least…(smirk).
Disclaimer: (sigh) you know the drill. In the chapter, the lines that Tsukasa remembers are from 'a dream within a dream' by Edgar Allen Poe (ahhhh morbid stuff. Poe's an emo kid.)—the poem is shown in italics and centered in the story so it can be easily distinguished, and so nobody can have any doubt that it is utterly not mine. The poetry excerpt below is NEVER mine if it has an author at the bottom. It's(obviously) from Lullaby by W.H. Auden. Therefore, it is not by some nameless sixteen year old authoress geek. If I wrote love poetry, you would probably know it. …Oh dear, I'm rambling AGAIN. (ahem) STOP READING THIS AND READ THE CHAPTER ALREADY! (feels really good about people listening to her…and gets smacked in the face by a tomato) Noooo! (runs to rescue the tomato)
Fans and reviewers: (sweatdrop)
Notably however, the thoughts on an angel's soul are—unless I happen to find something that thinks the same way, MINE. I had an awesome brood-fest over that. I was musing to myself for over an hour. (grin) Sooooooooul…
Lafayel: get to your chapter already you witless buffoon.
NF: hmph. Cranky bastard.
Lafayel: What did you call me!
NF: (shrugs and goes back to typing)
-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-
"…But what if you were unable to wake up from that dream? How would you be able to tell the difference between the dream world, and the real world?"-Morpheus (the Matrix)
"Lay your sleeping head, my love,
Human on my faithless arm;
Time and fevers burn away
Individual beauty from
Thoughtful children, and the grave
Proves the child ephemeral:
But in my arms till break of day
Let the living creature lie,
Mortal, guilty, but to me
The entirely beautiful."
-Lullaby, W. H. Auden
-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-
Tsukasa's eyes opened.
The angel's consciousness was strange, aware as he was, but so enveloped in what he was in that it blurred the lines of reality when he managed to fade from it…
It was as though the merest time between this world and his dreams had passed. Like he was living some epic roleplay alternate world in his idle dreams and fantasies-- A role which awoke when he fell asleep in what he considered reality…
His gaze focused sharply and in that moment of imperfect clarity, his eyes were instantly trained on the only other person in the room.
…Of course, there usually wasn't anyone else in the house to look at anyway, so it shouldn't have been any different than any other moment…but it seemed so strange that the first thing he should see would be Tomonori…Almost like it was fate if you believed in that sort of thing anyway (Tsukasa wasn't sure he could believe in fate, but he wasn't very decisive normally either.) Like the first time he had awoken in a hospital: Even then, the first person he had seen was Tomonori…
A strange warmth stirred in him, tainting his skin with a blush—his youth made him blush so easily. He bit his lip, face hot, wondering what he should do, this terrible shyness and fearful caution creeping over him. He could only too well remember the events of earlier in the day…would Tomonori dislike him because he had fallen prey to his desires?
His chest ached at the thought of losing Tomonori's favor. He wanted so badly to please him, but he didn't want to NOT please himself either…and Tomonori…he didn't agree with what Tsukasa wanted…he thought this was wrong--he wouldn't say it! But he thought it!
Tsukasa felt frustration rise in him. He'd never thought that what he felt for the man was wrong, strange, yes—Tomonori was almost a father to him, certainly older, and not even the same species when it came down to it all—but never actually wrong. He considered himself to be deformed, and undesirable to someone who was whole…but that just made it unlikely, not WRONG…there had still been a chance…
He sighed inwardly, It made him doubt reality, when he 'woke' like this…
It was almost too real…like he hadn't been truly living in reality, like the colors had been washed out…it was like going from the dark and cold of space to the blinding brightness and color of Earth once again. The visions were dazzling to his eye.
He could see him so clearly… Too perfect, even for him. Even his skin couldn't be that pale and soft looking. Even his hair couldn't catch the light by his cheek and refract the world into prisms and rainbows amidst a curtain of glistening black…
And of course…the real Tomonori wouldn't motion to him to come over like that…
Tsukasa's heart pounded, he wished his face wasn't as red as it probably was, he wished his hands would stop trembling as Tomonori let Tsukasa walk behind him at the table and guided place his chin on his shoulder.
He would never do all that and only smile and lift a hand to brush Tsukasa's blond hair from his face... The real Tomonori wouldn't move the stack of papers from the stool next to him, and draw it close to his chair, and guide him to sit down close enough to touch, close enough to hug him one-handed.
Or would he?
Tsukasa trembled. He wasn't sure whether Tomonori knew what he was doing or not…whether he had acknowledged this feeling that Tsukasa felt for him, or whether he somehow had forgotten…but it certainly affected the boy. He struggled all the harder to control his blush, but he could never hide these things away…not for long at any rate…
Tsukasa knew deep in his screaming subconscious that it was a dream…at least he knew it was a dream if what he thought of as real was real…whether he was right or not he had no idea though…it confused him sometimes… but he loved dreams like this—if that was what this was...
In these dreams he could at least pretend that Tomonori would touch his face like that when he awoke, that he might react to Tsukasa's affections without question or shock, but with satisfaction, or comfort…even enjoyment…
Tsukasa nearly gasped at his own daring—to consider that he might be—somehow—a pleasant…thing? (how could he ever describe what he hoped to be?) to Tomonori…that one day, he could hug him, he could touch the man's dark hair in return, that he could kiss…
Tsukasa pulled himself back at that thought. 'No! No kissing him! I can't put him through that again…not him! He hated it so much when I do that, he became so distant…so hurt by me not being able to be the son he dreamed of…me, always wanting more from him, after all he's done for me…and I was horrible at it anyway!' He thought to himself disconnectedly. 'I can't put him through that again, I can't make him so ashamed…so ashamed of me.'
Despite his fright, despite his guilt, he could pretend—almost too easily—that this was real, and that the waking world was just some bad dream, that he could wake up from to find Tomonori there, comforting him, telling him that he loved him, that reality was a nightmare, and this world within the maelstrom of his dreams was real, only real…
Only true…
'I don't care what he says! I won't find anyone else who I love the way I love Tomonori-san…and He won't ever find anyone who loves him as much as I do!' He thought painfully. 'But it's wrong…wrong for me to do this…for anything to happen…all I can do is protect him, and most of the time, he won't even let me do that!'
Maybe the world would be perfect if he could just sleep forever, and feel these beautiful dreams spinning around him until he was cocooned like an insect in a web…maybe he could feel this world tangled around him as his new reality forever…if these dreams weren't already…
Tsukasa sighed. resting his head on Tomonori's shoulder "What are you working on?" He asked softly, trying to still his desperately confused and upset mind. For now, he had this. He had this much comfort in the world… The man's body seemed solid, and warm, that in itself was soothing.
Black eyes glanced at him through rimless lenses, surrounded by a fringe of equally black eyelashes. His skin was a delicate shade of ivory. As ever, his lips lifted in a smile, faintly sketching a mirror image smile onto Tsukasa's smaller mouth as though almost a mere effect of it's very presence. Tomonori's smile made a soft contrast against his fair complexion, though not as striking as the hard blue-black of his hair against the same pale skin…But the smile breaking through the solemn expression…
Tsukasa felt his cheeks warming at the familiar fluttering of his heart. That smile always bewildered him, made him feel strangely dream-like. He couldn't assume reality just by the presence of that smile…that was what made this all so confusing…his days were dreams. His nights were dreams. The only difference was that one set of dreams was a frustrating reality of unquenched longing, while another one was the frantic, desperate, animal scrabbling of his mind for fantastical scenarios…wishing that perhaps he could impress Tomonori, that he could maybe just gain his approval, save him from something and earn his acceptance and then…maybe he would be worthy of asking Tomonori if he could possibly love him…but he could never find enough, he could never prove himself good enough to ask for him to possibly accept him like this.
A lump grew in his throat 'I'm so useless…even when Gabriel came and Tomonori-san was wounded, even then, I couldn't hope to ask him after saving him, because it was my fault in the first place that he had been hit…hit defending me! Protecting me because I can't fight…I always screw things up for him…'
Tsukasa didn't allow himself to linger in that thought, reflecting briefly on how he had destroyed any chance of gaining Tomonori's approval now…
Some horrid thought shot the wings of his heart, and it ceased it's guilty pleasurable flutters, sending it crashing horribly into his stomach. Tsukasa forced himself to stop thinking, only to see, to feel…hoping to somehow cure this thought through the senses with a heartwrenching desperation…
He instantly found himself struck by the fact that at this close range he could see that Tomonori's eyes weren't truly opaque black…that he could see the grain of irises through the deepness of the color—yes, with Tomonori black was a color, not just the absence of color…it was practically color itself…at least to Tsukasa it was…
The light still seemed to dance perfectly over the surface, refracting a single lightbulb into over five miniature reflections each. …Had he ever noticed that in the real world? Did Tomonori's eyes even have that in the real world? Did it matter? What WAS the real world? If the real world didn't have that curtain of ebony hair, that same quietness, that same smile, and that same face, then what good was reality?
It was all so perfect...those eyes, that smile, his gentleness…
Perfect world? Or perfect dream?
Tomonori's hand cast warmth into his shoulder, comforting weight, it's touch making Tsukasa jump. His heart nearly stopped, the blush returning and heating his face. His skin prickled. 'can you know what you're doing to me Tomonori-san? Can you see what this touch makes me feel for you…Can you see how much I've wished for it to be something more than friendship?' he wondered, the lump growing in his throat. Sometimes he had wished so desperately that Tomonori could have been one of those distant cold, remote people that never touched, and only spoke harshly…but he wasn't. He was a quiet, private man, but warm beneath it all, kind, and caring, even if he was rather reserved to the rest of the world…The boy's heart ached.
It was all the more a curse to Tsukasa that he could be so kind to him…
Tsukasa would sooner die than willingly hurt him—He could never hurt Tomonori…not after all he'd done for him…He wished more than almost anything that Tomonori had let him run to his master and beg for her to take these feelings from him…but Tomonori didn't want him to change, and no matter how much his heart screamed in agony, he just wanted to make Tomonori happy…and if he insisted on changing himself, it would make the man upset. And he didn't want that—OH! He didn't want that at all!
So…he forced himself to not react, or at least try not to…oh it was hard, he just wanted to run forward and hug him, comfort him…'but he doesn't want me…' Tsukasa thought to himself, swallowing the lump again.
"I'm just grading papers...the end of the semester is getting close." Tsukasa nodded sadly.
His dreams were always peaceful, always normal, with the exceptions of the nightmares he had about his past…But this time, it felt as though he were strangely conscious. Strangely aware that this was only a dream, that it wasn't real, and before-- in what he thought was the real world-- he had always seemed to have so much trouble with Tomonori…had always been so confused…
Would Tomonori love him when he woke? Or would he have to pretend to be a simple son, a simple friend?
…Pretend, while every simple smile seemed to have something more behind it that told him to take the plunge…even though he was afraid, so afraid…
Pretend when every touch was sheer agonized longing as he wished it had the same utter hunger for just the simple sensation of skin that he felt? He was afraid not to pretend, but it made him so sick with longing every time he was forced to not express his feelings in a blast of sudden emotion. Had he anything less to fear than rejection by the one he needed the most, he might have said something before this…but now…now he was filled with no satisfaction for the deed, only deep hollow regret, mingled with horror. Horror that this could turn out so far from what he had yearned for, as well as the horror he felt the he could have done this and hurt Tomonori!
He was starved for touch, he craved feeling, but he could never get enough to sate him…he couldn't ever seem to get enough of those moments of tousling of his hair, those gentle hugs…and certainly, their kiss, bad though it had been, he wanted more of that more than just about anything.
Lines of poetry lovingly read so long ago would come to him as he slept… Half conscious little threads of reality? Or threads of dream?
Whatever it was he recalled it in, he recalled one now….
'You are not wrong who deem That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away, in a night or in a day…
In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream…'
His eyes closed for a long instant, then he opened them again, staring at the ground.
Tsukasa wasn't really a person who wondered about his own sanity--it simply never occurred to him that the blending of dreams and the real world into something confusing was a sign of madness. He didn't wonder if he was crazy, not even now as he tried to figure out what was real… He only knew that he had to exist somewhere.
Most likely because visions, especially through dreams, were part of the heritage of any eraser.
Especially him…He was, after all, the Angel of Judgement. Human legends portrayed him as the angel with the trumpet held to his lips, ready to blow as a signal for the end of the world. Tsukasa smiled to himself 'How odd it is that they could be so close with their predictions…' he thought to himself, staring at his hands 'Israfel, the eraser who will fight to end the aquarian age once and for all…'
It brought him a small shred of desperate hope to think that this might not be a dream, but a vision of the future…that in the future, Tomonori might love him in the ways he only could dare to be dreaming of…
But this strange, almost skeptical awareness?
But a dream within a dream…He frowned, worried—That was the real riddle…this had never happened to him before—Skepticism and Disbelief were human feelings. They was usually utterly and completely absent from his thoughts, simply because it was unnatural for him to feel anything derogatory that was human beyond self doubt. It was simply not in his nature to doubt the reality of something that he had been given as true. Truth was truth—But he was strange…
He couldn't be sure that he would always make the right decision, in fact, most of the time, he seemed only to make things worse, but aside from that usually endearing lack of confidence, that shy uncertainty…he felt nothing so…shrewd as this…
He was an angel. Despite his past sins, it was only his nature to be innocent and guileless. This was an unnatural awareness, this certainty that this was not reality at all…An almost human awareness…a blunt certainty bordering on arrogance to someone so guileless as he was…
And despite all he was…Student, Friend, Soldier to his Master… he was NOT human. No matter his outward form, no matter how much he wished to be human, he just simply was no more a human by nature than he was a bird.
He could lose himself acting the part of a human. He loved to be human, to revel in the world of humans…also it pleased Tomonori… But he knew deep down in his heart and soul that he could never truly pay the part, his blood was eraser blood, his heart was an eraser heart…Even his soul wasn't human, no matter what he said…his soul…he didn't even know if he had one--Being an angel, despite what he wanted to say he was…
Despite his longing to be human…
Angels were not meant for mortal life. They were meant to be immortal, were meant to live on, forever, doing their designated duties as servants with obedience and humility…Once that was lost…Was an angel soulless?…Once they fell to mortality and sickness and death, did they lose what souls they may or may not have ever possessed?
He could only wonder…'Is that why I can't ever be forgiven? Because I have no soul to save?' He questioned vaguely.
This skepticism, it frightened him, disturbed him, appalled him with it's human alienness in his mind...
"Is this real?" he whispered, not speaking to Tomonori, not speaking to himself, just whispering. Tomonori looked at him. Perhaps he caught the words, perhaps he did not, and caught only the tone…but nonetheless he was made worried. "Tsukasa...is something wrong?" His hand ceased to write, his eyebrows twisting in worry, wrinkling his smooth forehead.
Tsukasa's eyes lingered on his face. Those wrinkles and lines made him seem so old…but his face was young—despite the maturity he had, he was young.
War did that to people, took their youth and made them seem weary and aged…
Tsukasa felt a deep throb within his chest. Pain at what he could see. 'Oh my God…why do you have to look so old…so beyond my reach when you worry for me? I'm not a child you need to protect! I want to protect you for once! Can't you trust me Tomonori-san? Can't you see that we're not so different…that we might have…a chance?' He thought the last bit tentatively as he gazed deeper into the face. He couldn't read Tomonori's eyes, but they still showed his deep concern. He wasn't emotionless, just guarded…
He wanted so much for them to be together, but the age in the human's face seemed only to drive them further apart…He almost panicked, finding that barrier, that wall, still up guarding his eyes, he felt as though he was running at it and hitting only a bare concrete wall. It hurt every time he hit it. It hurt that he could see, the he couldn't break through…and that age…
…He didn't want that to happen to Tomonori. He didn't want him to be old! He wanted him to be young…he WAS young! He was supposed to be older than him of course, but Tsukasa hadn't wanted to see it that way at all! He didn't want to see some ancient worried old man…he wanted to see the young, kind human who had rescued him from death, who had cared for him without question. The man he saw as his closest and dearest companion and friend, the man he…loved?
But there he was…old, and grave, and worried…warping the beautiful face into something it was never supposed to be…
It was hard to believe he hadn't seen more than a quarter of a century of life.
Tsukasa felt a fear growing in him. Would he look like that? Like Tomonori? All sad and worried and concerned in an undetermined number of years? Would he see nothing of the miracles around him, only the war consuming him! 'Will I never be able to stop worrying for him…worrying that he'll die in this horrible Aquarian Age and I'll be left all alone…I need his strength…I need his help…but I don't want to be so much of a burden on him…"
"Come on Amou-chan, don't be so negative….They both forgave you. If you stay in the past you'll never move forward!" Echoed the words in his head…
'But my past is so dirty Itsuki-kun…' he thought to himself despairingly. 'How can I ever hope for him to not see how filthy I am? He thinks I'm pure and clean and perfect and a million other beautiful things, and I want to be…for him. But I'm NOT… and how can I ever hope for him to never see the killer? The mutilated, wingless, horrible heartless person I really am? How can I ever hope for him to want to keep me when I'm like this?'
Echoed words came back to him with the soft mental echo of a sigh: 'No…I don't want you to leave…'
His heart warmed at the thought of Tomonori wanting to keep him, but inside he was frightened. How LONG might he want to keep him? He couldn't keep running from his past forever…
The past was real…
But right now, this seemed real as well…the dream could go on forever. Strangely perfect as a dream, and strangely long as reality…
Somewhere between dreaming and waking…it was unique…unlike any other dream he'd had.
Tomonori's eyes were still on him…questioning, worried, concerned and kind as ever.
Tsukasa shook his head to clear these distracted thoughts from it.
Could this still be a dream if he was thinking so clearly? If so, this had never happened before…perhaps this really was a vision of the future?
Excitement stirred deep in his stomach.
He smiled shyly at Tomonori. "I'm sorry. It's nothing." He said. He had to forget it. Just lose himself in this dream. This dream was better than reality, right? It was safe here…safe and perfect.
'All the more reason why it shouldn't be trusted, because it is a dream. It could become a nightmare in an instant!' Screamed that newfound voice of skepticism. He felt even deeper unease.
Why couldn't this sleep bring him some rest? Was it really sleep?
Tomonori frowned, unconvinced. Tsukasa sighed "I'm fine Tomonori-san." He looked down at the ground so he wouldn't have to see that worry. It gave him pain to see Tomonori worried. He wanted him to laugh, and be completely relaxed. He wanted him to have nothing to worry about… Tomonori's eyebrows loosened, but didn't fully unknit. "Are you sure?" He asked quietly. Tsukasa bit his lip.
Was he sure? No. Of course not. He was confused. He was worried.
He couldn't say anything to Tomonori, just staring at the large, white gloved hand hesitating over the red pen. He was silent for a long time. The hand finally put down the pen it held. Tomonori pulled him into his arms without a word.
Tsukasa closed his eyes, feeling the imagined warmth, the comforting sensation of Tomonori's arms holding him…that warmth…that comfort had to be real…
He needed this…He needed to be comforted like a small child…though his true form was ancient…
He liked being close to Tomonori…It made him feel safe, and warm inside as Kirihara's powers and kindness never could…so why couldn't he shake a sense of dissatisfaction from all this? He knew this wasn't real…but that hadn't really mattered before…before he had just needed to feel the relief, the relaxation…the contentedness.
But he couldn't stop the sense of sadness…Because now he could see it as a dream…as nothing…
But so real!
Tomonori's fingertips traced soothing circles over the backs of Tsukasa's shoulders. Tsukasa shivered, a phantom ache in his shoulders at that gentle massaging touch.
Tsukasa rested his cheek against Tomonori's chest. The dull heartbeat within gave soft, deep thuds against his ear. Tsukasa couldn't feel his own heartbeat in that moment, just Tomonori's.
He wished with everything in him he could feel this without worry, without hesitation in the real world…whatever it was…whatever was real...
His scars ached, but the fingers against his back didn't stop circling…
It felt strange. Not quite painful, just a dull sensation of wrongness, of unease, but pleasant unease…if there was such a thing…
Pleasure ghosted over his skin, making him shiver as the fingers lightly traced the sensitive scars, the careful touches sending strange feeling squiggling into the pit of his stomach. Mingled with this was aching as he felt over and over and over…that there should be something more there, that he should have wings…that this was a touch that should not be happening, that a limb should halt its path, but it didn't. It sent a coldness into his chest with every gentle tracing motion as he felt the horrible jolt of loss…
He gave an almost imperceptible whimper.
The ache was growing stronger. His wings quivered…wait…he didn't have wings there. They couldn't quiver. They were dead, long since ripped away, and decayed. So why could he feel them? Why could he feel this strange touch? Why should he feel such emotion stirring in him at these touches-not just sadness, but…more?
But he felt like they should be there! He could almost feel them moving! His wings should have been there!
But they weren't there…only Tomonori's hands, gently tracing his scars, the marks that would prove that they weren't there, that his wings were gone.
Tomonori's hands still moved, as the rest of his form carefully bent. His hair brushed against Tsukasa's cheek.
Tsukasa shivered, eyes still closed. He could feel the movement, not see it...
Tomonori carefully moved as Tsukasa trembled slightly, kissing his cheek ever so gently...
Tsukasa felt only sudden unease at the gesture, at the gentle fingers tracing his scars. Something about this wasn't right…Tomonori wouldn't really be so romantic…this couldn't be right…this wasn't the way things were…this couldn't really be Tomonori…
Tsukasa distractedly moved away from the kiss, appalled by his own strange feelings of revulsion…revulsion for this man that he loved? What was wrong with him? He'd wanted this to happen, hadn't he?
Tsukasa shifted to rest his head on Tomonori's shoulder, thoughtfully, his expression troubled. Tomonori's head turned to look at him. There was a sadness, and a sympathy in his eyes. "You don't have to tell me what's wrong…" He said quietly. The doubt faded from Tsukasa. That was him! This had to be real!
He lifted his head to look at him, studying Tomonori's eyes. They were still shielded…but tense, afraid, hesitant… He looked away quickly, as though to defend himself from a blow.
Tsukasa's own eyes widened. He was afraid?
But…that could only mean…
"You…"Tsukasa whispered, surprised, almost unable to speak.
Was this actually reality? Had he wrongly assumed?
Tomonori looked at the ground, tensing. Tsukasa shifted, understanding filling him, he grabbed the man's arm in desperate hope. "You wanted to say it, didn't you? But…you just couldn't tell me?" He could feel the excitement rising in him…just a bit of hope…even if it was a stretch…his face open, eyes wide with hope, a faint flush burning in his cheeks, giving him and even more excited air of fervor.
Tomonori stared, alarmed, his brow tensed again…then suddenly he seemed to let go of something inside, sighing heavily.
"I'm sorry…" He said. He seemed nervous. Dreadfully nervous. His words stumbled over one another—most unlike him. A dark, foreign hue rose to his pale cheeks, deep red suddenly glowing there, revealing his embarrassment, his manner imploring and apologetic, even though he couldn't seem to meet Tsukasa's eyes.
"When I saw you…hurt…I can't tell you how guilty I felt. I…I was…alarmed by it…" His jaw muscles twitched slightly as he visibly swallowed. "but…" He whispered, seemingly at difficulty to even try to pull his words together long enough to answer—MOST out of character and alarming. Nonetheless, Tsukasa felt his heart leap—that strangely out of character seeming embarrassment was proof that the man was telling the truth.
"I-I knew there had to be something!" He babbled excitedly. Tomonori's eyes widened with the force of Tsukasa suddenly hugging him. He smiled slightly though, returning Tsukasa's affections more gently. "I'm sorry." He said quietly, the smile fading back into concern. Tsukasa shook his head, heart still laughing. "No, don't be, Tomonori-san! Oh, this is wonderful…I've dreamed of this…" He smiled happily against him.
Tomonori's hand hesitated, then touched his hair, smoothing it. Tsukasa felt his eyes closing, he leaned into it, like a cat would lean into someone petting it's head. His expression delighted. Tomonori hesitated again.
Tsukasa opened his eyes. Indecision crossed Tomonori's face. Dreamed…He'd dreamed of this…
Tsukasa felt worry flare within him. "Um…are you sure, Tomonori-san?"
The expression that crossed Tomonori's face was suddenly almost reminiscent of Kaname. Not to mention, rather expressive for such a normally passive face. A sort of sad, mocking half smile.
"Tsukasa, I'm never sure." He said quietly.
Tsukasa felt the stirrings of unease drift within him again, was this real? Was this a dream?
Tomonori's expression softened back down into it's customary gentleness. The entirety of his face smoothing back down again to faint traces of emotions rather than an expressive and readable twisting…"But while you're here…" Tomonori murmured almost to himself. His face was curved into a strange bitter, rueful expression.
Tsukasa cast his eyes to the ground. Yes…he'd dreamed of this…almost exactly like this…too perfect like this.
Still too clean…too beautiful…too perfect…too optimistic…
That everything would just fall together and Tomonori would love him, and he would love Tomonori, and nothing would ever separate them…?
Things were never so clean…
"This is a dream, isn't it?" He was disappointed. His eyes lowered to the ground. Tomonori tilted up his chin to look at him. "What do you think?" He asked in a whisper. His face changed from a strange unreadable calculating gaze into an emotion of longing, of deep heartfelt wish in an instant.
Too fast.
Tsukasa's eyes widened in an instant as Tomonori swept forward and kissed his mouth. "Mnnh?" He tried to question, he tensed against him, taken aback. 'OH! Tomonori-san would never be so forward! …Would he? What's happening?' he thought to himself desperately.
Tsukasa's face flamed red…His stomach was jumping inside him. He couldn't seem to figure out what to do with his hands. His eyes stared, surprised…
Then he relaxed, closing his eyes as he realized what was happening, who was doing it... He gave a soft noise in the back of his throat, his hands snatching at the shoulders of Tomonori's robe, his fingernails making scratchy noises on the fabric as he curled them into fists.
Amidst the sudden bewildered shock, and the sudden heat flooding his chest, he was aware of Tomonori's fingers stroking the hair at the nape of his neck, his fingernails delicately tracing against his scalp...
'This is still too perfect!' his strange skepticism screamed at himself, the rest of him wasn't listening, too caught up in what Tomonori was doing….
This was like a dream come true!
…yes…like a dream…
A dream.
My days have been a dream…Tomonori pulled back suddenly. He placed his hands on Tsukasa's shoulders, lacking any of Tsukasa's dazed expression. "leave it at this, Tsukasa." He said suddenly in a flat tone.
Tsukasa's heart was pounding. 'Leave it at…this?'
He was flushed a brilliant red, even MORE unsure how to look at Tomonori now…
Tsukasa found his voice floundering somewhere in his stomach "Wh-what? Leave…Wh-Why?" He whispered, shocked, feeling his eyes prickle and a lump settling in his throat.
Why would Tomonori kiss him like that, if he wanted things to go back to normal. Back to NOTHING! Why? This didn't make any sense! Hadn't he just said that he had loved him!
His heart gave a strange pang.
Tomonori smiled sadly, moving back away from him further, Tsukasa's hands unable to reach his shoulders any more, his hands fell away. He couldn't seem to think of anything he could do with them…He stared, horrified.
"Because I'm a teacher." Tomonori said quietly, face grave.
Tsukasa hung his head "and I'm a student." He finished, sighing. 'I should have known…even if he feels the same…he still can't let us…no…it's still wrong…'
Tomonori simply gave him a sad smile, cocking his head in a strangely expressive gesture. But the expression was almost bemused, as though he hadn't thought of it. "Yes." He said. Was there surprise in the tone?
Was it surprise that Tsukasa already knew?
Tsukasa clutched at his arm. "But nobody would know, Tomonori-san!" He whispered feverishly. "We could hide it!" His voice shook with desperation, his eyes frantic, pleading.
'just give me a chance!' he begged mentally.
Tomonori looked at him, his face grave, suddenly wise. "But you would…You would know…and would you want to live in fear, forever, Tsukasa?…Don't you understand?"
Tsukasa was struck speechless, staring.
He was familiar with the patchy methods of his memory…But at those words the dream…or perhaps the vision he had received earlier that day came back in a rush at those words.
He backed away with a little jerk, hands to his temples. "Oh!" He cried out, his face becoming pained with realization. "You're one of his emotions, aren't you? …this is a dream, right!"
Tomonori smiled down at the table again, and took a sip from his coffee. "You've remembered, then?" He said quietly, not looking at Tsukasa
Tsukasa shook his head frustratedly. He didn't want to see those deceptive emotions anymore! Not after the last time he…
He swallowed suddenly lost in the memory of Tomonori's mouth on his…
He shook it off. "This isn't fair!" he cried out, his fist clenching. Tears stung in his eyes. His throat became swollen with a lump. He couldn't even have what he wanted in his dreams anymore!
Tomonori sighed, sympathetic as ever. "You know better than to think things might ever be…" He said, in his customary quiet voice.
Tsukasa gaped, shocked. Anger flashed in him, but it left just as quickly...leaving behind a cold sense of numbing dread. "B-But…how do you…" He backed away. Tomonori's form seemed to be being used by a puppet master, twisting his face into strange expressions, and his body into foreign gestures. He raised his hand, gesturing eloquently as he spoke. "Because I know you." He said with a plain expression.
So plain it was almost readable.
Tsukasa shook his head to clear it. "I've known you for a long time…" Tomonori said quietly.
Tsukasa didn't look at the man for a tense moment. Of course he had. Tsukasa had known HIM for a log time as well, but unlike Tomonori, he couldn't build a shield over his emotions…'I must be so easy to read…' His shoulders fell with this revelation.
"Alright…I know…I know life isn't fair." He mumbled, looking down at the ground. "I know lots of things shouldn't have happened but they did." Tomonori waited. Tsukasa unclenched his hands and stared at them. "But I wish…I wish it was fair…" He said quietly, upset, holding his arms up so his hands could cover his shoulders. His face was cast to the ground. Pain flared in his chest.
For a moment, Tomonori's strangely emotion-possessed face bore an expression of pity, then it frowned. "Wishing never got anyone far. You know that, Tsukasa."
Tsukasa sighed, trying to fight the irritation he was feeling. 'I can't get mad at him…he's done so much for me…and he's right…' His eyes watered. He wiped them, swallowing the lump in his throat, his voice still wavered, cracking. "But all I want…all I want is for you to care about me—him…the real Tomonori-san to care about me the way I feel about him!…it wouldn't have to go-"
"You know that's not true either." Tomonori said even before Tsukasa could finish saying that it wouldn't have to become even slightly physical.
Tsukasa felt shame flood him. He knew the figure close to him, was right. What he felt for Tomonori was love. It had physical elements that he longed for, as well as being about feelings, and words, and thoughts.
His hands subconsciously went to his shoulders, shivering as he remembered that touch that had felt at once so kind, so gentle, and still, brought such horrible feelings up from his past…
He wasn't asking for a friend. He already had his friend…
But neither was he asking for a hot and heavy one nights stand, filled with no words at all only body language, so to speak. He was sure that he would NEVER go so far—It would terrify Tomonori almost certainly! And he didn't want to frighten the man away, because he was so scared to lose him…
But what he WAS asking for…He was asking for a relationship…Something that would blend both. It wouldn't be strictly one or the other, but simple words wouldn't satisfy completely…some sort of touch was needed as well…
Again that embrace lingered in his mind, the warmth of his arms, the dull steady beat of Tomonori's heart filling him with contentedness…
Yes. He knew what he wanted...
"But…I-I-I wouldn't ask him to do anything he didn't want to!" Tomonori sighed. "But you're basing this off what you feel." He shook his head suddenly, looking down at his mug of coffee. "You love him, you want to kiss him, you want to be close to him. You are an eraser, Tsukasa. Your body is a reflection of your soul. You cannot see him as being any other way. If he feels, you think he will show it, because that's exactly what…WE would do." The voice morphed from Tomonori's to his own with this strange monologue.
A suddenly smaller hand pushed away the mug of coffee.
His own eyes stared back at him, sad, intense, mirrorlike.
His own fright was suddenly reflected in those orbs…was this what Tomonori felt when he looked at him? He had to wonder…
Tsukasa gasped. The other Tsukasa stood, white robes billowing around him.
"What's going on here!" Tsukasa asked fearfully.
The other Tsukasa didn't look quite like him. His hair was long…his wings…he still had powerful white wings in his back…The feathers so pristine and pure a white that they dazzled the eye with their inhuman radiance…
Tsukasa's eyes were round as his own back gave a phantom ache.
He knew who stood before him with such calmness, such passivity. And why he would spout out such simple truth and wisdom.
Angels couldn't lie and not become demons…
Israfel. This was the angel Israfel.
"Wh-What the Hell is going on? What is this?" Tsukasa shouted, his voice cracking. He was afraid now. His dream was turning all wrong!
"You're not supposed to be here! Why are you here!" He asked, frenzied.
Israfel smiled. "Because I am a teacher."
Tsukasa's knees gave way. He crawled backwards on hands and knees, stuttering. "N-n-no! I'm not you anymore! I-I just want to be human!"
Israfel's expression was sad and compassionate. "But you're not human…" He insisted quietly. "Neither of us are…I'm a part of you. I'll always be a part of you."
"NO!" Tsukasa screamed. He felt tears slipping down his face. He held out his hands in front of him. "You can't! I won't do it!"
Israfel's brow creased in a frown. "…Don't do that…" He said softly, bending down. Tsukasa crawled back in fear. "No…don't run from me…and don't cry…" He wiped the tears from Tsukasa's eyes. Tsukasa stared at him. He was that compassionate angel…he always would be. "I'm no monster. " Israfel murmured quietly, staring into Tsukasa's eyes with the same strange mirror silver shade, filled with a grave sadness. Tsukasa stared at him in horror. "I'm just like you." Israfel said to his speechless human form.
His lips curved into a sad, rueful smile as he pulled away Tsukasa's hands to wipe his face dry. "What would Tomonori-san think if he could see you like this?" He asked kindly. The small lips that Tsukasa saw in the mirror every morning curved upwards into a grin. White teeth gleamed. Tsukasa was shocked. 'Am I really…that pretty?' He wondered dazedly. He'd never stopped to give himself a second glance before…He'd never stopped to even consider it. Tomonori was beautiful…but not HIM…
…by eraser standards, Tsukasa was possibly a bit above average for looks but not much more…but when he wasn't surrounded by erasers…after being around humans for almost three years… He felt an echo of the awe that he had to wonder if humans felt all the time…all the time as the looked at…himself?
His thoughts lingered back on Israfel's words. All thoughts and wonderings about his own beauty fell from his mind at those thoughts. 'What would he think…'
Tsukasa closed his eyes, expression sad and longing. "He would hold me…he wouldn't even ask…he would just care for me…like he always does…" He mumbled, only half aware of what he was saying. He lifted his eyes back to Israfel. Emotion flickered rawly in his expression as he gazed at the angelic version of himself, who watched with controlled expression.
This wasn't fair! "Why can't I just dream about him? Why do I have to have a nightmare about when I was you! Why can't I just wake up!" He whispered, fresh tears falling from his eyes as he found he couldn't escape this by trying to wake up…
Israfel smiled at himself, wiping away the fresh tears. "Because this is no longer just a sleep. This is a vision. And if you could wake up from a vision…" He shook his head bemusedly, sending golden hair into a rippling movement.
"Think about what would be lost to the world, to the universe." He laughed softly. It was Tsukasa's own light laughter, just more saddened…it was strange for him to listen to…
Tsukasa's eyes were wide "Vision…of the future?" he asked, breathless with hope…'Tomonori-san…'
Israfel smiled, closing his eyes. His head shook 'no' "Of the present." He said, his voice just above a whisper, a soft murmur that somehow managed to carry without volume.
Tsukasa blinked "The present? Why the present? I know what's happening now…"
Israfel grinned again with the mischievous innocence of the angels "You really think you do…yes…you think you do…"
Tsukasa frowned at this statement, biting his lip "But…But that makes no sense…"
Israfel sighed. Tsukasa wondered to himself if the angel had been human, would he have rolled his eyes? "Angels have hearts…remember how he told you that?" His voice didn't hasten or become any louder, it stayed the same as before Tsukasa had spoken, patient despite it all.
Tsukasa shivered. "oh God, yes…how could I not remember?…He could have died just…just to save me…" Israfel smiled "To save us…he looks the same at you when you're in my form, as when you're human…he has that same kindness…for both of us…" Tsukasa shivered. "But…you're a murderer…I'm a murderer…" He stared at his hands "My hands are covered in blood…" He whispered.
Israfel's eyes narrowed, his smile faded. His body suddenly tensed. He drew closer to Tsukasa. "you can still feel the taints…when you suddenly become angry…" He moved, whispering into Tsukasa's ear. "You felt it then…when Lafayel fell before you…You become something that we are not supposed to be…our hearts should be pure…but…" Israfel's voice suddenly trembled he trailed off, he looked shaken. He seemed to hunch into his wings, almost hide in them…
Tsukasa tentatively touched his wrist. Even though he feared the angel—no, feared the power that came with the form so often his… he couldn't help but worry for him…
Israfel drew away from the touch with an abruptness that if it had belonged to another being would have been a recoil, but was not. His voice gained it's former strength as though nothing had ever happened. "You feel it…only he could stop us when we became like that." Tsukasa shuddered, he felt the color draining from his face. "No…" He moaned.
Israfel gently placed a hand to Tsukasa's shoulder with a rustle of white cloth. "You cannot deny it. HE still controls you…controls us…even now that he is far away, we can still feel it. He broke us. Even though we serve Kirihara-san now…he still commands us…"
"No!" Tsukasa moaned again, louder this time, and more strained.
Israfel continued as though nothing was happening, though his fingers still rested comfortingly on Tsukasa's shoulder. "Only Tomonori-san can stop it. Only Tomonori-san and Kirihara-san can stop us." Israfel whispered this in a hiss.
Tsukasa trembled violently as Israfel went on. "You can feel it, but don't acknowledge it…We must trust in our new master completely, if we are ever to be washed clean of the sins of the old one." Israfel whispered. His brow was creased in worry and old sorrow, the whispers had softened to something more gentle once again.
Tsukasa shivered. But he knew Israfel was right—Of course he was right! Israfel was him! He was Israfel! One could not lie to the other without lying to themselves!
Just as most humans had a conscience, Tsukasa had Israfel. They were one body, one soul. One could not exist without the other. He had two thoughts going on in his head at all times, his rasher more hurried thoughts of hi human side, and the quieter suggestions and wisdom of the immortal Israfel…and depending on what form he favored, one would be brought to bear, like the end of a seesaw, one set of thoughts would swing into focus if he remained in human form, and another when he became the archangel.
But even as a human…he could hear that little voice whispering to him from the other side of the seesaw…
It had taken him a long time to accept Israfel as part of him…and only then was he able to take his eraser form…able to wield it's powers…able to see it's weaknesses, it's drawbacks…
"I don't want to hurt anyone." Tsukasa whispered. Shakily toned but firmly intended.
Israfel's wings drooped slightly in sadness. He seemed suddenly weary, his eyes filled with sorrow. "Neither do I." He murmured, looking away.
He sighed slowly as though measuring what to say "But sometimes…we can't help it…sometimes we need to—For the right things we must fight…" Tsukasa gripped his shoulders with his own hands. "No." He said hoarsely.
Israfel's eyebrows furrowed. "…It is not the fighting that is wrong." He said quietly. "It is fighting for the wrong reason that is wrong. Sometimes we will have no other choice. We have to protect Kirihara-san…we have to protect Tomonori-san… We have to fight to protect."
"To protect the people…I care about?" Tsukasa whispered.
Israfel smiled and amended "The people we care about. We cannot protect them from harm if we do not fight." Tsukasa trembled all the more for this simple truth.
"But…I lost my wings." Tsukasa whispered, hands over his eyes.
"I lost my way." Israfel looked off to the side, his face grieved.
"But he didn't care…he saved me…no matter what I'd done wrong…no matter what I was." Tsukasa whispered.
Israfel sighed. "This is not about the past. This is for the present. We must focus on the now. We cannot achieve anything if you refuse to be forgiven…"
"If we refuse to be forgiven?" Tsukasa said hesitantly. Israfel smiled. But it faded again to the look of sad wisdom "You must look harder…see what he really feels. And no matter what it is, you have to accept it."
Tsukasa shook his head. "I…I can't! His eyes…they're always so guarded…" Israfel smiled again, differently this time. Almost amused. "That shouldn't matter…we love his eyes…" Tsukasa's face changed, he looked wistful. He did love Tomonori's eyes… "Yes…" He whispered, smiling in memory, a faint blush painting his cheeks rose. He shook away the sentiment, forcing himself to focus on the argument he was having.
"But Even if I-we love his eyes… they don't tell us anything!" Tsukasa said, upset. He threw down his hands, gripping them into fists. Israfel tilted his head up his face still filled with sad, gentle wisdom "They don't tell you anything." He amended.
Tsukasa's eyes widened, he opened his mouth to ask, but Israfel silenced him. "But they don't have to." Israfel replied. Tsukasa shook his head "But…that makes no sense!" Israfel drew away. "That is all I can say."
Tsukasa shook his head as though it would clear it. "I don't understand!"
Israfel nodded gravely. "Let us hope you will."
Tsukasa didn't understand what he meant by that, but he kept his mouth shut. 'will what? Not understand? Or does he hope that I NOT understand? This all doesn't make any sense at all!'
Israfel took a few steps back, briskly as though he had something he needed to do. "I will leave you to your own dreams now…We both cherish this time…this life. I should not keep you from it any longer" Israfel's pupils glowed with inner fire as they lit upon Tsukasa's, an inner fire more powerful, more controlled than Tsukasa's: The difference between true form and assumed form. "Make your choice…both of us shall follow and live by it…and so will Tomonori-san. Your choice binds us. Remember."
Tsukasa trembled. Israfel had almost without a doubt chosen the words carefully. The word 'bind' had a meaning to it for each of them. They had been bound for years. To be bound by chains, meant no escape unless you were released. To make a choice, Tsukasa would somehow sentence himself to a set of figurative chains, not to be released unless some outside force allowed him to be.
He would live, bound by his choice.
"You should go" Tsukasa murmured.
Israfel smiled again "But I'm not really going anywhere…I am always with you. You'll always be me…somehow…" He placed his fingers where Tsukasa's heart was. "Angels do have hearts." He said with a smile.
The angel vanished in a burst of flame and white wings.
Tsukasa hung his head, overwhelmed. He felt warmth on his shoulders. "Tsukasa…you're crying…" Came a soft voice. Concerned. Tsukasa felt a sudden strange burst of emotion flooding from his chest, heating his face, bringing a lump to his throat. He stared. He turned his body to face Tomonori…what he hoped would be the real Tomonori. "I-I'm sorry…I shouldn't have…I didn't mean to kiss you like that…"Tomonori murmured, casting his head down, ashamed.
Tsukasa buried himself in a bewildered Tomonori's arms.
He raised his eyes to him. "no…" He said quietly, sighing in relief. "This is a dream." He murmured. Tomonori's gentle arms enfolded over his shoulders. His eyes, however, were still unsure. Tsukasa leaned his head against Tomonori. "let me pretend this is real…" He murmured inaudibly. Tomonori looked at him curiously, worried as usual. "Help me." He whispered to Tomonori, raising his arms to around his neck. Tomonori's eyelids lowered, not understanding, but willing to help. "I will." He whispered back, stroking Tsukasa's hair.
"Sometimes…I need to forget." Tsukasa said quietly, his eyes haunted. Tomonori's expression flickered, confused, but his eyes still bore a gentle light.
Tsukasa pulled them into a hug. Because that was what he wanted. This Tomonori of his dreams could never compare with the real man…but nobody would ever have to know…
Tsukasa buried his hands in Tomonori's hair and his face in his chest, hoping that in this dream, he could forget…
He knew he wouldn't be able to. The truth stuck with you…But he was trying!
This was fake, but it was distraction enough, was fantasy enough to bring his mind towards peace…He would have a long time here to forget…
…And he was awoken by the rattling of someone's trash can outside with this very thought.
-o-O-o-
Tsukasa yawned, hugging his pillow as he frowned, trying to hang on to sleep for a few more moments, to capture his dream, opening sleep caked eyes. "dammit..." he mumbled. "Nnngh…" He nuzzled the pillow again, trying to dose back off to sleep again...to just linger for a little bit, so he could still imagine…
He froze muzzily.
…huh?...what was that smell?
He squinted sleepily, his eyes still blurry, sniffing the pillow.
Not his smell, not his scent on the pillow…How strange…
He closed his eyes again, trying to focus his sense of smell. The smell of another head that had used it…shampoo…damp skin…someone else's body. This certainly didn't seem to be his pillow at all...
He opened his eyes for a moment, confused, then opened them wide. He blinked, sitting up abruptly, his tired eyes still trying to focus.
This wasn't even his ROOM! It was Tomonori's! He gasped, blushing. Why was he in here! He looked down at the pillow he was clutching. It even smelled like him…His own unique sent of his hair, of his skin, of his sweat…a human smell, hardly perfumed, but still it was from HIM…
He held it to his nose for a moment, breathing in deeply, a pathetically blissful smile on his face... then, self consciously he lowered it, the smile fading.
He gave a soft groan, lying back down again, closing his eyes and sending his head with a loud whack into the pillow that had tumbled from his fingertips...
His body was in the depression Tomonori's had made sleeping there night after night--the mattress had actually dented slightly around the shape of his body!
Tsukasa gave a slow sigh, mouth forming that same longing smile as before, as he tried to put his body into the exact same position, curve for curve…
He sank down into the mattress, trying to feel the energy there. It made his skin tingle as he succeeded, casting out his senses to feel, to sense, to taste. It made him shiver delightedly.
The whole area buzzed with static, stale, residual energy.
It wasn't the same as Tomonori himself…not exactly…but it was still close. Even though it didn't beat stronger and weaker with the pulses of his heart, even though it didn't carry the same strict controlled output, it was still his energy. Dead energy long since gone and emitted from his body. But his, nonetheless…
Tsukasa could hear his own breathing shaking. Had Tomonori slept there as well? Had they...shared a bed? Tsukasa could feel his stomach twist in apprehension. He didn't exactly like to admit it…but the thought…stirred strange feelings in him.
Tsukasa felt a twinge of strange homesickness. Erasers were gregarious creatures. They liked being together in large flocks and groups. They slept collectively, in groups, for protection and comfort…like a nest of hatchling birds, all huddled together for warmth in the chilling cold of space. He was used to the mingling of energies around him as he drifted off to sleep in a crouch, wings hunched and bent to hide or hide under the others around him…the musty scent of feathers and the shuffle of wings as they merged in a thick blanket of feathers, mostly white. Mostly blond heads bowed in wary dozes…
It felt strangely cold sleeping alone…
Tsukasa blushed deeply. It wasn't sexual! He told himself, hotly. 'I don't want Tomonori-san to actually sleep with me…I just…would feel better if he was close!' Tsukasa convinced himself hastily. Still…there was a tiny edge of his mind that doubted the statement was absolutely true. He ignored it, blushing.
He searched the residual energy inside the house, frowning still, vaguely.
Tomonori wasn't there...but his energy... Tsukasa tried to control the strange feelings dancing through his stomach and the heat flashing through his cheeks. The energy surrounded him. He pulled the blanket over his head, feeling the tingle of human energies all over his body as he did so…It was like watching a cat addicted to catnip, half drugging itself on the fumes… Tsukasa tossed and turned nearly giggling aloud at the ticklish feelings on his skin…His hands spread wide as though he was about to make a snow angel. He grinned up at the ceiling. One of his hands tingled even more strongly. He blinked, shifting to place a hand to the spot…
Tomonori's energy was strong by the edge of the mattress on the floor...
Tsukasa searched his sleep-drugged and human energy drunk mind for what had happened the night before, lying on his side. He rubbed his eyes.
Of course! He had fallen asleep at the table! Tomonori must have carried him...His heart softened at the thought of the human's kindness…He frowned thoughtfully. Why wasn't he in his own room though?
He couldn't think of a single reason why Tomonori would put him here…at least he couldn't think of a single reason that he could find logical at the moment: The idea of Tomonori lusting after him was so absurd it would have been almost comic. Besides that, Tsukasa felt he knew Tomonori well enough to know that even if by some bizarre cosmic joke, the priest DID feel that way, he would never show it in so bold a way by bringing him to his bed.
Tsukasa smiled inwardly, amused at the idea.
'that's stupid…Tomonori-san would never do something like that, if I'm here it must be because he's helping me somehow.' He smiled sleepily.
"so…what is it?" he asked himself in a mutter, thought processes still drunken from sleep, and the foreign energy he'd practically drugged himself on. He rolled out of the bed, falling in a heap of tangled limbs. He smiled again, relishing the energy. He could imagine those warm arms around him…his breath on his scalp…his fingernails gently stroking his throat…
He paled suddenly. 'I can't do this…it isn't right. He doesn't feel that way about me…He didn't leave did he?' he wondered suddenly. He forced himself to calm down 'No…He said he wouldn't…didn't he?' He relaxed. He trusted Tomonori. Fresh shame crept through him at what he had been pretending. Embarrassedly, he pulled himself from the floor.
'I…I can't do this…not after what I did yesterday…not after what I did to him…' He blushed for a moment as he felt again the awkward smash of their lips together, the exhilaration burning in his stomach, in his chest, through his very being, before pain made him draw back, afraid of hurting Tomonori…
'and I did…I did hurt him…and I made him need to leave…I made him need to go away…' He thought to himself guiltily. 'I hope he found somewhere good to sleep…We have school today…' Tsukasa worriedly opened the door, peeking out to see if Tomonori was around. He didn't seem to be…
He tiptoed to the bathroom to start his day as usual.
-o-O-o-
Tsukasa carefully dried off his hair. The mirror was fogged around the edges as he looked into it…His dream from last night remained vivid in his mind. He was enraptured. 'Am I really…pretty?' He wondered, staring at his own reflection as though he had never seen it before.
His large eyes peeked out from damp and towel tousled blond hair, innocent, curious and filled with the strange inhuman blends of color that had enraptured Tomonori--unbeknownst to Tsukasa himself…His nose was tiny and flawless. His lips were small, and naturally reddish. Curiously he stuck out his tongue and examined it. He pulled it back, smiling in grim satisfaction. His tongue still needed brushing like the rest of his mouth. He poked one of his cheeks. If they were any indicator of his age, one would think that he could be a freshman or something… 'It's no wonder Tomonori-san always thinks I'm a child…I look like one.'
Nervously he tried to comb out his hair with his fingers, trying to process what he was discovering. 'If I'm okay looking, then why wouldn't Tomonori-san like me? …I must have done something wrong… something that he didn't like…' The thought made his heart sink. He critically eyed his body. He grimaced. He practically had an hourglass figure that most girls would die to have themselves…he had almost feminine hips. 'That can't be right…' He stared at himself. That slender body with blue veins spiderwebbing under his pale skin all across his chest. 'Is that normal?' he wondered. He really had no idea…
By eraser standards he was rather skinny. Too skinny even. More weight equaled strength, because you would have to lift it off the ground… 'Not that I can lift anything off the ground with how I am now' he thought to himself bitterly. 'No matter how skinny I am. Because I'm weak…I'm too weak and crippled and deformed for an eraser…all I can really ever hope to be is a human, and I'm not even good at that!'
He braced himself then turned to survey his back. He shuddered as the scabbed shoulders came into view. They hadn't become infected. He had Tomonori to thank for that.
It was rather a shame that he wasn't from another faction…centuries of warring had made the human factions fast healers, but healing fast for a race that could usually depend on each other to heal instantaneously, was rather redundant in the genetics of adaptation…
No eraser was meant to be alone, if he was alone and injured, he was far more vulnerable than even a human could be. Humans could heal. For Tsukasa, however, the wounds could take weeks, even months to fade…and his body was vulnerable to infection, and disease.
Both of the reopened scars were still tender, and raw looking. Tsukasa's stomach lurched just looking at them. 'These are ugly…no matter what form I have…And Tomonori saw them…no wonder he doesn't love me! Nobody would love me when I look like this…if they had to touch that…'
He felt so grateful for Tomonori's bandaging of him, but…he wished Tomonori had never seen him like this far more…He didn't want to be ugly to him, he wanted to be…enough…The thought that Tomonori might have seen something so repulsive made Tsukasa want to hide with shame. He'd almost rather have his shoulders infected and painful, than think that Tomonori might be disgusted by him.
Saddened, Tsukasa fumbled with his school uniform, pulling it over his body, hiding his pitted scars. But he knew they were there, under his clothes. He knew that Tomonori knew they were there…
Perhaps angels had no souls…or perhaps they were nothing but the soul personified, and that was why their bodies could so reflect their emotions…
Perhaps angels were nothing but soul…and all the more fragile because of it…
Tsukasa opened the bathroom door, feeling cooler, less humid air come through the door. 'Tomonori-san's probably already downstairs…I shouldn't keep him waiting' But still…he had to pass by his room to see if Tomonori might have slept there… His eyes widened. "oh!" he said in realization. His bed wasn't made…
'is that all? Tomonori-san gave up his bed for that?' He tried to convince himself that there wasn't a grain of disappointment in his relief… Still, he smiled to himself. 'He's so kind to me…even after what I did yesterday…he doesn't stop caring for me.' His heart warmed, a faint dusting of pink lingered on his cheeks with his smile. It faded in a moment as another thought occurred to him. 'But if he didn't use my room, where did he sleep last night?' Tsukasa frowned. 'maybe he used the couch?' he suggested to himself, descending the stairs, his feet bare against the smoothed wooden stairs.
He shivered as they touched the cold floor. 'I should have grabbed some socks…' he thought to himself. But he was already downstairs, and he wanted to make sure that Tomonori was ready for school…
He glanced into the living room. It was rather bare and inexpensive. There was a single armchair, and a single short couch that Tomonori with his height of over six feet would have to crouch to lie down on. The fireplace was cold ashes, unused. He was surprised. There wasn't any recent energy in here at all…No taste of his aura beyond that which was common to all the rooms in his house.
He walked to the couch, placing his fingertips to the fabric.
It was still cold, undisturbed, unslept on…
Perplexed, Tsukasa exited the room, his still damp hair cold against his cheeks. He found his shoes by the door and quickly slipped them on without socks just to protect his feet from the chill of the floor. Again, he was worried. He wasn't supposed to be feeling this cold…Shaking off the unease, he stepped into the kitchen…
He gasped "Tomonori-san!"
The priest's eyes flickered to him, he blinked once, surprised apparently. "What are you doing up so late Tsukasa?" He asked, blinking, he looked mildly surprised amidst what looked like exhaustion. His coffee mug lay half full beside his elbow. His bible before him and scraps of paper littered with fragments of verses were strewn across the table. Other books lay on the stool next to him, but Tsukasa didn't spare them a second glance.
He rushed over, alarmed. "Oh Tomonori-san…You've been up all night! It's time for school!" Tomonori stared at him. Deep purple circles had blossomed under his eyes with the lack of sleep. They widened slightly in surprise, distracted. He seemed to accept this though. He sighed. "Oh…oh yes…I should be making your breakfast…" Tomonori mumbled.
Tsukasa shook his head furiously. "No! No! No! You can't go to school like this! You'll have to get some rest, oh Tomonori-san, what were you doing?" He asked, eyes wide almost horrified. Tomonori stared down at the mess in his normally immaculate kitchen. He blinked as thought just realizing how strange this was. "I was…thinking…" He said quietly, surprisedly, still staring at the mess.
'Organized thinking.' Tsukasa thought to himself with unexpected sarcasm and bitterness. He couldn't believe Tomonori could do something like this to himself. Guilt suddenly burned in his chest. 'did I do this to him?' he wondered.
Tsukasa quickly pushed Tomonori's arms back down as he tried to begin to clean. He seemed too exhausted to even try to protest or fight against him. His body seemed strangely listless. His eyes had a vaguely disfocused air to them, those dark unhealthy circles making his eyes look haunted. "No, you shouldn't do anything else. Oh, Tomonori-san, did you get any sleep last night!" Tomonori's body suddenly gave a convulsion like a shiver. Tsukasa blinked 'what was that?' Tomonori put a hand to adjust his glasses, frowning, "A little…" He murmured, looking a bit strained.
Tsukasa stared. Tomonori removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. He seemed to be debating something, his eyebrows twisted into a deeper frown. "Tomonori-san, you can't go to school like this, you're barely awake." Tsukasa said quietly, trying to find something to do with his hands…touch his cheek? Touch his head? Touch his hand? He finally put his hands to the man's shoulders.
He was concerned. Deeply concerned at why Tomonori might be acting so strangely… "No, I have a test today. I have to be there." Tomonori said rather calmly, smiling in a grim manner. He put a gloved hand over one of Tsukasa's. The boy suddenly flushed, but just as quickly the touch was gone, though his heart still pounded. He pulled away his hands. 'it's wrong for me to feel like that…Tomonori-san didn't mean it like that, and he would be hurt if he knew how much…' he didn't finish the though, feeling crimson embarrassment wash over his cheeks. "But Tomonori-san-"
"I'm going, Tsukasa." He said a little more firmly, lowering his hand from his head, and opening his eyes to glare—no, he wouldn't glare at Tsukasa…it was softer: defiant but not mean or angry just a narrowing of his eyes in stubbornness… he gave that look to him. Tsukasa felt his resolve at keeping him home, weakening. "But…you're so tired…" He whispered in protest.
"I'll be fine Tsukasa." He said firmly.
Tsukasa swallowed. Tomonori had that look again…That look that said 'let it go…please don't argue with me…' It was never so forceful as to say 'DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!' Like a real parent might demand…it was like a friend's plea to not disrupt their friendship with something as mundane as an argument. His face said beneath the heavy mask that he didn't want to fight over this. He was so weary that he almost couldn't fight, even with only words.
Sometimes Tsukasa wished he wasn't so stubborn about these things. He could never win an argument if something 'for his own good' was being debated. Tomonori always insisted on putting Tsukasa before him, no matter how much Tsukasa tried to protest that Tomonori shouldn't or should do something, if Tomonori felt it should be done differently (and he was usually right) it would be done his way…
Not to mention it was hard for him to try to argue against his crush, not when he could hope that he might see a satisfied smile if Tomonori won… the possibility of pleasing the man was teasing him terribly to bias in favor of him… He blushed at the thought of that smile, of the faint gratitude… His chest ached with wishful longing.
'I'm so sorry…I can't help loving you.' Tsukasa thought in apology, shame creeping into him as he wished for that emotion on the other's face.
"But Tomonori-san…" he protested, his fingers brushing Tomonori's shoulder before he drew back, trying to control himself.
Tomonori sighed. 'oh no! I'm annoying him!' Tsukasa thought to himself unhappily, distress filling him. It must have shown on his face, because Tomonori's look softened. "Tsukasa, I don't call in sick days just because I stayed up all night doing something…something rather stupid now that I think about it…" He shook his head looking wryly amused. "I'll deal with the consequences, don't worry about me."
"But…But, Tomonori-san…"
Tomonori shook his head, cutting him off. "I have to go. My fifth period class has test reviews going on, and my sixth and seventh have the test itself. I have to be there today, Tsukasa." Tsukasa sighed. He had to keep him home…had to take care of him…had to let those tired eyes close in relaxed sleep…but…
He couldn't beat Tomonori…
"But what if you fall asleep?" He protested. Tomonori groaned, pulling his hand back to the bridge of his nose. His brow creased again, thinking. Almost immediately the solution was spoken of. "The teachers lounge always has coffee, I can make it through the day." Tsukasa shook his head "But Tomonori-san—!" 'I don't just want you to make it through the day! I want you to feel better!'
Tomonori's lips curved into a slightly wider smile, His shoulders lowered, untensing. His expression was fond. "Tsukasa, do you really think you're going to get me to stay home?" He asked, sounding almost amused by Tsukasa's efforts. Tsukasa bit his lips, a blush staining his cheeks with that smile. 'Oh God…do you know what I feel for you Tomonori-san…do you know how hard I have to try not to hurt you again?' He closed his eyes. "No…not really." He admitted. He opened them again. He felt so foolish now…so childish…
Tomonori cocked an eyebrow as if to say 'see? "But really…you shouldn't push yourself so hard Tomonori-san…You're only human…is that the saying?" Tomonori went rigid, his face was almost expressionless, so carefully controlled that it gave it away... Tsukasa felt horror stir in his gut. 'Why did I say that? What's wrong? I didn't mean that it was bad to be human…oh no!' He felt a lump in his throat "I-I mean! Uh…You have limitations and…oh NO! That's not what I meant Tomonori-san!" He made a faint moan, clutching his head 'why can't I say something that doesn't sound worse? What's wrong with me?'
Tomonori blinked, faint surprise registered on his face, but it was quickly concealed. "No…it's alright." He said quietly. "You mustn't worry about it Tsukasa…" Tsukasa bit his lip "A-Are you sure? I really didn't mean to—" Tomonori's eyes softened again, he smiled his melancholy smile with a faint nod. "Yes. It's fine…don't worry about it."
Tsukasa's shoulders relaxed, a look of relief crossed his face. "Oh…Thank you…because I really didn't…um…you know…" He finished gesturing flusteredly. Tomonori nodded, a faint smile still echoing over his mouth "I know." He said reassuringly. Tsukasa sighed in relief again 'Thank you so much for understanding, Tomonori-san…thank you so much…for understanding me…for knowing that I didn't mean to say something bad to you…' He thought to himself. He wished he could say this, but he knew he didn't mean it in a way that wouldn't make Tomonori upset…He knew that his own feelings would turn that 'thank you' into something more…
He swallowed, asking instead, "Tomonori-san…what was so important that you didn't go to sleep…?" Tomonori stared intently at the tabletop. Tsukasa bit his lip again 'Was that too personal? I shouldn't be asking him to tell me things like that after he's been so kind in not asking me about my past, or my old life with my kind…I shouldn't be asking him something like that…'
"I…had a very strange…nightmare…That's all" Tomonori said in a strangely quiet voice, even for him. His eyes were looking off at the mug of coffee. Despite his calmness, it was telltale…too calm to be calm…he was agitated…something was wrong…the stiffness of the 'relaxed' posture of his shoulders, the utter smoothness of his face, almost expressionless…there was something troubling him. Tsukasa KNEW Tomonori, he KNEW his body language…he'd spent so long trying to learn how to read it in the past few months…
Tsukasa blinked. Even though he felt a pang of sympathy and concern for Tomonori with his nightmare, he didn't see what this had to do with all the books and scraps of paper all over the table…but he didn't want to pry.
…Tomonori had been so kind, never questioning him about his past or about his memories. If Tomonori didn't want to tell him about his nightmares, then it would be only fair that he didn't press him…and he didn't want him to be upset! It hurt him to see Tomonori upset, he so desperately wanted to make him smile, make him laugh, make him happy. Tomonori was everything to him. He was all that he had…
That pain made him want to move forward, touch the man's shoulders, comfort him with his touch…like Tomonori always did for him…But since his actions yesterday, his touch would probably hurt more than help…It felt like the twist of a knife--that his touch would only wound rather than heal…that he could cause such strife between them…
What nightmares? Was this also his fault? Had Tomonori had nightmares before or had this all started because he…
Tsukasa swallowed.
Was this all because he'd kissed him? Because he'd burst out that he loved him? For once he hoped that mask would stay. He didn't want it to fall away and leave him to see that this was all his fault, that he had caused this pain… 'I've caused enough pain to people…and you…you're the last person I would ever want to hurt, Tomonori-san!'
He realized that he'd placed a hand on the man's shoulder. Tsukasa let his hand drop from Tomonori's shoulder, suddenly self conscious. He could feel a deep blush breaking over his face, he hoped Tomonori wouldn't notice… He glanced way awkwardly. 'If only you loved me…If only it wasn't wrong for you to feel the same way I do…'
"I-I should make you something to eat." He said to Tomonori. He didn't want to cause his exhausted friend to do any extra work since he would have such a long, tiring day ahead of him.
Tomonori shook his head. "Don't, I'm not hungry…but thank you." He said quietly, not looking at him, turning back to his scattered work over the table, his brow creased in thought, frowning as he stared at it.
Tsukasa frowned slightly as though to mirror him, feeling terribly worried just watching him. He bit his lip again, refraining from touch despite what his heart was telling him. He needed to listen to his head more often. His heart had ended up hurting the man yesterday… Was Tomonori going to make it through the day?
He once again wondered with some anxiety and anticipation whether Tomonori's nightmare had had anything to do with how he had behaved towards him yesterday…He knew he wasn't supposed to feel this way—it couldn't be right because Tomonori was uncomfortable about it. Tsukasa didn't want him to be upset…If he was responsible for a nightmare that would turn Tomonori into this exhausted and restless individual before him…
He couldn't even complete the thought because of the rush of guilt within him.
'Could this really be all my fault, just because I let myself not care about what he might be feeling? Because I only cared about what I wanted…so much that I blinded myself and let myself think that I might not be imagining those smiles meant something more, that the touch of his hand was special…that everything was different.' He swallowed past the lump in his throat 'I will NOT cry!' he told himself. 'Did I do this to him? Just because I thought that he might possibly…' he paused possibly what? Kiss him? Care for him? Love him?
No…all he had wanted was just to tell him. He hadn't really thought much about it. He hadn't really thought at ALL about what would happen afterwards—nothing about the consequences.
…In true teenage fashion he had let himself forget anything beyond the moment, the thrill the pounding of his heart as he felt the shape he's wrapped his arms around. Felt the shivers in his spine as he'd breathed in the scent of his hair, of his skin, of his sweat…He'd so mystified himself and made himself so very drunk and dependant on the touch he'd dreamed of, that he allowed himself to forget about anything else…
But what had he expected? After all the touch and sensual things were over, and partaken of, after he'd fulfilled that dramatic moment that everyone seemed to believe was the one right way of showing how he felt…what had he expected to happen? For Tomonori to sweep him off into his arms, and for them to live happily ever after like some fairytale? Had he expected all things to become bright and beautiful and romantic as his idle dreams? For it all to miraculously transform into one of his fantasies, where Tomonori would hold him close and never let him go? 'I should have known better…there is no happy ending for a soldier in a war…there is no happy ending for a murderer…there is no way for me to have what I want without destroying…destroying that beautiful perfect man. I can't hurt him like that…'
The face he loved, the form he loved, the soul he loved had all been driven down to weariness. But still his eyes skimmed along a few more lines in his bible, still his hands scribbled out in the margins…looking for something. Tsukasa couldn't believe that he was seeing franticness beneath all the calm. Tomonori was looking for something…but for what?
'No…it's none of my business…'
Tomonori wouldn't meet his eyes, and he seemed distracted… "Tomonori-san…" He turned his head to him, looking at him. Tsukasa swallowed, trying to think of what he wanted to say. Those dark eyes made him so nervous now. Now that they'd seen him, seen his ugly, bleeding scars, seen him weeping in total selfishness, crying over bloodstained wings never to fly again, to rot on the ground with humans. Those eyes had never ceased to care…even now. The liquid eyes, haunted by shadows of purple exhaustion… He tried to catch on to something to say…
"Are…Are you sure you're going to be alright?" He said quietly. Nervously pulling his hands to his temples. Tomonori actually looked him in the eye this time, he'd been avoiding doing that lately…but now, he had that attention, and he didn't know what to say…
Tsukasa tried to somehow mentally communicate, to tell him not to do this, that he was tired, that he should stay home and get some rest. Tomonori's eyes flicked once more to the mess on the table. Tsukasa lowered his own eyes. 'No…he'll go anyway…' He reminded himself. His fingers rested on a scrap of paper on the table. His eyes lingered on the writing. A single word. And in that instant his blood ran cold.
'Azrael'
"Yes Tsukasa. I'll be alright." Tomonori said, sighing again. Tsukasa tried to smile, trying as hard as he could not to let the panic show on his face. "Oh…o-okay" He swallowed. "E-Excuse me…" He fled the room suddenly. The instant the was alone, horror etched into every feature, his hand over his mouth. 'Oh God…please God, please don't let him know! Please, let me be wrong!' Tears prickled in his eyes. He shivered violently, curling into a ball in the hallway, cold shock reverberating through every fiber in his body.
'Let me play his innocent angel…please don't make me a killer again…anything but a killer to Tomonori-san!' He bit his lip hard, pressing his hands to the bandaged wounds on his back until pain throbbed down his spine, He didn't care. 'I don't want to be worthless to him!' he cried out in his mind.
(((end of part 7)))
Cliiiiiiiffhanger! Bwahahaa.
Hooray for LiveJournal JO groups (right Kasumi Sora? (wink))
Trust me, the next chapter should reveal a bit more about the night. It's Nakaura-san's POV again. Answers will come.
Brought to you by the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time. And the happy home, where there's trees and flowers, and chirping birds…and basketweavers who sit and smile and weave a great cage of angst and THEY'RE COMING TO CAGE BISHOUNAN AHAHAHAHAAAAA!
Lafayel: You have GOT to be kidding me…
NF: Shut your pie hole.
Lafayel: (has that vacant scowl that says he has no clue what a 'pie hole' is…)
This weeks reviewers frenzy: (cut to the middle of something)
Tsukasa: (wailing) He…He…left me…
NF: Eh? Oh, Nakaura…um… cheer up, it can't be that- (Tsukasa throws himself into her shoulder and begins weeping incessantly) er… (NF is unsure what to do…and is pretty sure that someone will kill her if she shoves him away…)
Gabriel: Come now Israfel. You mustn't cry.
Tsukasa: (sniffles) But…he's GONE…T-Tomonori-san… (breaks down again)
Lafayel: (Takes one look at Tsukasa and rolls his eyes)…I doubt I even need to say anything about how pathetic this is…
Gabriel: (suddenly snippy) Oh, shut up.
Lafayel: I will n—(blink) what?
Gabriel: (comforting Tsukasa while NF shudders and brushes off her clothing nervously) (glares)
Lafayel: (blink) Did you just tell me to…shut up?
Gabriel: (clipped tone) Yes. Follow it.
NF: (stares) (looks at Lafayel for a second, then stares at Gabriel some more) (tilts head sideways)
Lafayel: (suddenly cackles)
NF: Okay. I just have to say that this is rather stupid.
Gabriel: You can shut up too.
NF: (blinks with a very strange expression) Yes…I can…but….Ummm….Gabriel?…how can I put this?(awkward silence)…er…Gabriel…you've officially been around Lafayel too much.
Lafayel: (still cackling uproariously)
Gabriel: (angrily) No! I have not! My friend is UPSET and you expect me to just sit by calmly and allow you two to mock him? I think not!
Lafayel and NF: (look at each other)
NF: I'm not mocking, Lafayel's mocking! (points at him)
Lafayel: How dare you blame this all on me! (looks like he's about to rip her hair out)
Tsukasa: (sniffling and blowing snot all over Gabriel's nice coat)
Gabriel: (hugging him and soothing him)You mock Israfel's feelings, you're hurting him!
NF: No! Really, I'm not mocking. I just think this is all rather stupid!
Lafayel: You wrote it you incompetent stool dribbler!
NF: er…(mentally pictures Shiba bouncing a three legged stool) (shakes head to clear it of odd images) Hey, I don't always like what I write, okay, you stupid featherduster!
Lafayel: And you STILL haven't written anything about me!--FEATHERDUSTER! (Growls and shows fangs)
NF:…Yeah I have, it just got deleted, and the new version's not done yet. (crosses arms annoyedly) and what's with all the feather-shedding if you're not a featherduster?
Lafayel: (stops)…really?…You're writing something about me?
NF: (suspiciously) Um…yeah? So?
Lafayel: Oh…(falls back into character) No matter, you are STILL an incompetent stool dribbler! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A FEATHERDUSTER! I AM AN ERASER DAMMIT!
NF: (again with the weird mental picture) Um…sure…I'm a stool dribbler. (eyes narrow) (holds up pink pearl eraser) THIS is an eraser. (chucks it at him and hits him square between the eyes with it) Last time I checked, you weren't made of rubber and stuck on the wrong end of a pencil!
Lafayel: (waits for a more enraged response and seems disappointed when he doesn't get one) (Mutters to himself about incompetent, inferior humans and their stupid inventions) I'm NOT a featherduster (growls to himself)
Tsukasa: (still crying) Tomonori-san! (wails louder)
Gabriel: (glares at Neurofeces) I cannot believe that you would put him through something like this!
NF: (frowns) Hey, why are you getting mad at ME? It has to happen sooner or later!
Gabriel: (angrily) It most certainly does not! You split up such a happy couple without so much as a second thought!
NF: Well hey! Someone has to do it!
Gabriel: You heartless creature!
NF: It's not my fault!
Gabriel: How could you do something like this to someone so kind? What has he ever done to you?
Lafayel: (cuts in) I wanted to do it but she wouldn't let me! (Glares at Neurofeces)
Gabriel: (eyes narrow and glares death at Lafayel) Then I'll deal with you later…
Lafayel: You threaten me?
Gabriel: yes! I threaten you!
Lafayel: (blink) (grins) I'm being threatened by a fluff headed moron who thinks Israfel is worth protecting from his stupid feelings…how cute… (makes a disgusted face)
NF: Hey, don't make fun of my fluffy head. (pats hair and glowers) And I'm not threatening you at all! I'm just…insulting you.
Lafayel: I was talking about Gabriel, you imbecile.
NF: Oh…he is a touch fluffy isn't he? (grins)
Lafayel: (tightlipped smirk)
Gabriel: (hand glows threateningly and a vein pulses in his forehead)
NF: (rolls eyes) But anyway, Gabriel…Your point would be: aside from accidentally rolling around in my garden while making out with his boyfriend, he's done nothing to me, am I right?
Gabriel: It is LOVE. (articulating very slowly and clearly like she's stupid or something)
NF: Which would explain a lot about me not knowing about it, but doesn't serve to justify my poor squashed plants! (holds up a limp strawberry plant) Where's the love for my garden!
Gabriel: (grinds his teeth disconcertingly—obviously losing his patience with Neurofeces)You-!
Tsukasa: (perks up) TOMONORI-SAN!
Gabriel: (blinks and turns around as Tsukasa hurls himself away)
Tsukasa: (runs to the door at incredible speed and thoroughly glomps Tomonori, nearly knocking him over)
Tomonori: (alarmed) GAH! (twists around to look at who's attacking him) Oh…(smiles and hugs Tsukasa back) I missed you too Tsukasa.
Tsukasa: (crying again, but happily this time)Oh Tomonori-san…I thought you would never come back!
Tomonori: You aren't the only one…those lines were terrible!
Gabriel: …Lines?
Tomonori: (to Neurofeces) I got the milk like you told me. (Looks like he thinks this is absolutely idiotic)
NF: (grin) Thank you. (takes the gallons)
Tomonori: I still don't see why you sent me…
NF: Well, Lafayel nearly blew the place up last time. And Amou nearly got abducted by crazed fangirls, and nearly ended up with about three dates he didn't want…I don't need to go on do I? I mean, I grabbed one of those handicapped carts and ran into an oreos display and got myself banned from publix…
Tomonori: (sweatdrop)…good point…
Gabriel: (suddenly feels rather foolish) (weakly) He…was out...to get milk?
NF: (smirk) yep. Someone's got to do it…I'd only REALLY split them up that way if it was absolutely necessary to their end happiness. (grins) I'm a big softie at heart you see…
Lafayel: Chocolate! I demand chocolate! If I had done it you would have CHOCOLATE MILK! FOOLISH HUMAN!
Tomonori: (vein pulses in his forehead)
NF: (smacks the back of his head) Watch your mouth before I revoke your baking privileges, Lafayel. If you REALLY want chocolate, then get the syrup. Hey Nakaura-san, Amou-kun, do you want some—
Tomonori and Tsukasa: (death-grip hugging to make up for lost time earlier in the parody)
Tsukasa: I missed you Tomonori-san.
Tomonori: I missed you too…(thinking to himself: I wasn't gone very long, was I?)
NF: (sweatdrop) er…I take that as a no…
Lafayel: (extends a glass filled halfway with chocolate syrup) give me my milk brief human, or suffer my wrath!
NF: (pours) Yeah fine. Just don't spill or I'll make you mop the floor, stupid featherduster…
Lafayel: (ignores her, too busy cackling maniacally like a good villain as he uses the hand blender to mix his chocolate milk, for no reason other than sheer violence to inanimate drinks)
Gabriel: (gaping)
NF: (notices) Come on Gabriel, I'm not heartless, just thirsty and calcium deprived!
Gabriel: (seems to be suffering a meltdown) Miiiiiilk… (eye twitches)
Kuro: (pops in and pats Gabriel on the head) I'll just take care of him if you don't mind…I don't think he's going to be able to see milk for quite some time now…
NF: Okay, sorry about that. I take it his fanboy sensibilities have been attacked…
Kuro: (sigh) Yes…poor poor Gabriel…He can't resist shounan-ai…(smiles) It's so cute how he tries to act all dignified about it… (Pats his hand reassuringly while giving him a fond sort of look)
NF: (blink) er…I'll take your word for it. (sweatdrop) (Mutters to self about Juvenile Orion being a shounan-ai farm) (louder) You want a glass of milk?
Kuro:
sure…is there strawberry?
NF: (smirks) Like you wouldn't
believe…hold on…let me get you a plant…
Kuro: ah…? (raises an eyebrow)
Gabriel: (huddled into a fetal position.) miiiilk…
Kuro: (quiets him)
Lafayel: (slurping something almost black with chocolate)
Shiba: (steals a whole jug for himself and then runs back to practice)
NF: SHIBA! LET GO OF MY MILK! HAMPSTERS ATTACK!
Shiba: (blink) What the Hell? (runs all the harder to protect the milk from the killer hamsters)
NF: (glares at Shiba as he runs off into the sunset with hampsters following him screaming about brains) Here you are. (plops down a strawberry plant in front of Kuro)
Kuro: (grins and sweatdrops) Well…this has never happened before…um…thank you for the plant, and the milk… (eyes the plant curiously)
NF: (grins) No problem. Take care of Gabriel for me, the fangirls wouldn't let me live if anything happened to him.
(swirling plothole of terror opens up in the sink and fangirls pop out)
Flamer Fangirls: J00 MADE FUN OF GABRIEL! OMG! I K3LL J00!
NF: OY! (mutters to self while dodging attacks) Every chapter! Every chapter someone—
Fangirl#0.76: (Kills Neurofeces with a Stiletto blade/heel)
NF: (dead) Bugger.
Kuro: (grin, sweatdrop) Come on Gabriel. (soothingly) Lets go home and see if I can get White Rabbit to make you a smoothie or something…
Gabriel: Miiiilk (hisses)
(TBC)
….as you can see…we had an interesting week. Poor Gabriel hasn't so much as looked in the refrigerator since, and Lafayel…well…lets just say you don't mix him and sugar rushes…And of course, I've got a few lovely bishounan assistants working on my review replies with me this time…
(Cuts to a scene soon after they've begun)
Tomonori: (hollers from another room) Why is this person named 'Shi Ting'?
NF: (shouts to him) NO IDEA! (whispers to Kuro who's filing papers)…wait for it…
(click of computer keys as Tomonori scrolls down in the other room)
(dead silence)
Tomonori: …(weakly) …er…Who's white rabbit?
Kuro: (slips a picture of the little darklore under the door)
Tomonori: (screams and the sounds of convulsions of horror coming from his room)
NF: (tries to stifle laughter)
Kuro: (shakes head amusedly) You're so evil.
NF: I know…isn't it great? (falls off her chair cackling)
Kuro: (blink) (sweatdrop) No comment. (goes back to filing documents and background information on Angels, Demons and various other things into their proper folders)
Gabriel: master! There's a girl attached to my leg again!
Kuro: (walks towards the other room where Gabriel is clearly struggling against he fangirl) Hang on, I'm coming (grabs the noodle by the door) Oy! You stay away from my eraser—hey…um…can you get off my leg? Please! Gabriel, gimmie a hand here!
NF: (smirks and puts her feet up on the desk) Ah, the relaxing workplace… (turns up some hard rock music to drown out the convulsions and squabbling in the other rooms)
Lafayel: Turn that crap down!
NF: (grins and lowers it slightly) pushy…
(end scene)
Yeah…um…I'll admit…I kind of had a little bit of fun at their expenses a few times…
(Cut scene)
NF: Hey Lafayel! Go check the closet for ants will you?
Lafayel: Why must I go check for ants? Why am I always the one who has to do inane tasks and menial labor!
NF: Because you're the expendable one.
Lafayel: (grumbling as he goes off to go check the closet)
(door opens)
(gasps of shock from the closet)
Lafayel: GET OUT OF THE DAMN CLOSET!
Mizunagi: (sticks his head down the hall) Outdoor voice, Lafayel!
Lafayel: (yells to Mizunagi)SHUT UP! …FOR THE LAST TIME ISRAFEL, STOP USING THE BLOODY CLOSET AND GET TO WORK!
Tsukasa: (walks in looking embarrassed and rumpled)
NF: (snickers at her desk)
(few moments pass as Lafayel comes back into the room muttering to himself)
Lafayel: Those fools…can't even do a decent few minutes of work without getting distracted…
Tomonori: (walks into the room and coughs in a dignified way, while holding a cup of coffee like that's all he's been doing)
Kuro: I take it you refilled the coffeepot again?Tomonori: (ignores him, trying to pretend he isn't blushing, or rather rumpled looking himself)
Mizunagi: (as soon as Tomonori's shut the door to the other room where he's working) What's this now, the third time?
Kuro: Fourth. Not counting the three bathroom breaks.
Mizunagi: …and he's a priest you said?
NF: (smirks)
Mizunagi: I'd have fired him by now…
NF: (stretches out her arms)Awww, no way! It keeps things interesting…and besides, he's one of my angst slaves, I'm not paying him to begin with. He's here because I threatened to write LafayelXIsrafel.
(sudden silence)
Mizunagi: (raises eyebrows and looks at Lafayel pointedly)
Lafayel: don't look at me like that, you meaningless, blithering idiot!
NF: A cat may look at a king!
Mizunagi:…
Lafayel: (puffed up with pride) I'm a king! BOW MORTALS! (maniacal laughter)
Kuro: (sympathetically to Mizunagi) Should I get the noodle?
Mizunagi: That'd be nice.
Kuro: (scoots towards the door and picks up the noodle)
(end scene)
but really, after what happened with chapter five where I had like fifteen reviews to reply to or something terrible like that, I wanted to get a bit of hired help, and who else to get but the bishies! I even got Mizunagi and a few other new faces around just because of it. Because as we all know, ranting and raving the amount I do takes a LOT of work. (grin)
Yeah…a few problems where you go to put something away in a closet and you find it…occupied…but hey, not bad labor otherwise. And another plus, Kuro and Mizunagi know all the lyrics for 'they're coming to take me away' By Napoleon the XIV, so we can randomly add 'where life is beautiful all the time' to anything we don't like (and look like complete nuts in the process)…actually Kuro choruses with me while Mizunagi just sort of rolls his eyes…but anyway, it's sort of fun. Lafayel basically stands around being our 'muse' or whatever, and making snippy comments (actually I think he's trying to pick up a date or something, but don't tell him I said—oh, Hi Lafayel!).
Yeah sure, Tomonori tries to work hard but usually, he's so horrified by the content of the reviews (especially the pervy pairings) that he has to run off to a confessional about four times a day, And Tsukasa is trying to work hard too, but he's too busy being distracted by Tomonori trying to do his work. (That's what you get for falling in love with a teacher, you've got to think red pens and stacks of homework are sexy or something… (rolls eyes)) White Rabbit even popped in once to bring Kuro his lunch (surprisingly enough, it contained mostly carrot sticks…hmm…imagine that.) Poor Tomonori about had a meltdown…
(cut to scene)
Tomonori: (takes one look at white rabbit and begins to convulse in horror)
Tsukasa: Tomonori-san? Are you alright?
NF: (wicked smirk) I think he needs some morale boosting, Amou.
Tsukasa: (takes him by the hand) Come on Tomonori-san, maybe you're dehydrated?
Tomonori: (twitching)
Mizunagi: (whispers to Kuro) How does he figure that's dehydration?
Kuro: (grin) No clue. (looks through the lunch) Oh, look, carrot sticks…um…thanks White Rabbit…
Lafayel: (stares) what the bloody Hell is THAT!
White Rabbit: Hello, I'm White Rabbit! This is my master! (points at Kuro)
Kuro: (Glomps White Rabbit) so soooooft…. (dopey looking grin)
White Rabbit: Master! (hugs Kuro and is generally very fluffy)
Lafayel: (narrows one eye) …That THING has a name?
Mizunagi: (lights up a cigarette and smirks) Hey, Lafayel…go check the coffeepot for ants.
Lafayel: (growls at Mizunagi)WHY am I checking everything for ants?
NF: Because I work for an exterminator. There are a lot of ants around here, wouldn't you know it…(fights down a grin)
Lafayel: (grumbles loudly as he leaves the room) (pauses) ISRAFEL GET OUT OF THE DAMN CLOSET BEFORE I REALLY DO KILL YOU!
Tsukasa: (can be heard scrambling out of the closet and apologizing profusely)
NF: (cracks up)
Mizunagi: (rolls his eyes) Really, how many times do you want to go and snog someone in a day?
NF: I'm really the wrong person to ask this…
Kuro: Sooooft… (glomps White Rabbit some more)
White Rabbit: (smiles cutely)
Gabriel: (sweatdrop) Um…Master?
(end scene)
But yeah.
And when I have to go to work at my job (--calling up people for my neighbor's exterminating business) and talk to people about ants, roaches, and 'giant red alien brain fungus things'--you think I'm joking? Read my LJ! I got to talk about fungus that attracts flies and looks like 'a freakin' invasion of these weird red alien brain things', boy what a great job, eh?--they take care of half my work when they aren't off snogging one another or checking for ants. (aren't they sweet? And I hardly had to threaten to write things where their chosen boyfriends were off with other people, or threaten to stick Lafayel in a tutu! It's practically voluntary!)
But anyway, they seemed to have helped me on my reviews…so don't be surprised if it has something…interesting…
Foolish Mortal- I was hoping you would review so I could attack you. (gives excited fangirl squeal) Just let me say I LOVE your fic. 'The Angel' is so far my favorite JO fic. Good job! And I don't care what you say about not knowing what prayer is like, you could've fooled me! I go to a Christian school, and my dad's got a seminary degree, you did a bang on job. (why am I saying this here rather than reviewing it? Hello, NF, get back on topic!)
Forgive me for not answering your review to chapter five on time. It's not that I think you're somehow inferior to every other person who reviewed, it's just that I checked the reviews at a certain date, and it happened to fall before your review was placed. Although I am QUITE happy you did review because it gives me the chance to go crazy-fangirl over you. (er…sorry (resists foreign fangirl tendencies)) But really. I'm sorry about that huge delay…and any that may happen into the future. I am SO grateful that someone so talented as you reads my fic (flushes and smiles) I hope you enjoy, and continue to read…but not yet if it delays you from writing the awesomeness that is YOUR fic. Hee. I think the bishies have something to say to you…
(all assembled in a line glaring)
NF: (blink) Okay… What's this all about?
Lafayel: We seem to be defecting. (looks bored)
NF: (rubs eyes) EH?
Tomonori: (crosses arms and glares) I am tired of having my feelings stretched to the point of breaking.
Tsukasa: (tearfully) And I'm tired of not being able to show how much I love Tomonori-san!
NF: (sweatdrops and sweeps the hair out of her eyes) Let me get this straight. I've been pushing you too hard in your opinion…so you're doing what now?
Tomonori: We're defecting to Foolish Mortal's story.
NF: WHAAAAT!
Tsukasa: (hides behind Tomonori) We…we…might have a chance of getting together…Tomonori-san and I, over there. Apparently there are only three more chapters left…and…um…(embarrassed)
NF: SIT DOWN!
Tsukasa: Eeek! (sits down obediently and looks around frightenedly)
Tomonori: (crosses arms and glares, moving to protect Tsukasa) I don't want to suffer, or torment Tsukasa with my rejections any longer!
Gabriel: And I believe he has quite a valid point.
Tomonori: You are an American. We require certain democratic rights. We are every bit a much people as you are. We have been considerate to you, we expect the same.
NF: (suddenly laughs) So you're going on strike? Oh God, gimmie a break…You too Lafayel?
Lafayel: You haven't made a story about me! I could care less about the quality at this point, Another author would be sure to listen to me and treat me better than you have, witless worm!
Gabriel: We deserve better treatment.
NF: (slams a hand down on the desk) What is this? GAY RIGHTS!
Political people: (smack NF with a pamphlet) GAY PRIDE!
NF: (whirls around) Get out of here you lot of bloody wankers! (shoves them out of a plothole)
NF: (long sigh) since when is my fic a political statement! (glares at plothole)
Gabriel: (sympathetically) We are only asking for some kindness…
NF: OH SHUT UP! (glares) I don't HAVE to be kind. I'm an author. A fanfic author. Call it artistic license…Heck, I can see pairings like AmouXKirihara for crying out loud...
Tomonori: (makes a strangled noise and clutches Tsukasa a bit more possessively)
NF: (smirk) You want to go to another story, go right ahead, take a vacation. (pulls out the contract and glasses) I'll change your rights over here…I'll even give you dental!
Gabriel: (whispers to Lafayel) We get free dental?
Lafayel:
I didn't know we got dental…
NF: (continuing) And lets see…two
weeks of 'run away slave' time alone to yourself each year…Yes
that ought to do it. (eyes the contract critically) Yes, everything
seems to be in order.
Lafayel: What about pay?
NF: Oh shut your face Lafayel, you spoiled brat, I'm not paying you, and you'd better count your lucky stars that I don't, because if I did, you'd already owe me all your paychecks just to pay for all the baking supplies you buy and subsequently ruin.
Lafayel: (glares)
Tomonori: …(looks down at Tsukasa)
Tsukasa: (smiles) Maybe we could take a vacation Tomonori-san.
NF: You GOT a vacation. Back to work you worthless pack of ingrates before I lose my temper and start to type something violent (good naturedly hits them with the noodle)
(bishies confusedly shuffle back to work)
If they ever stop by and take a vacation in YOUR fic, tell me okay? So I can blackmai-I mean…send them cookies. (grins awkwardly)
Senko 32- Lafayel: Yes, you seem to be right, well done foolish human. But this is not about what you like…besides that, I am sure I could change your mind about this 'eclipse' person-
NF: Lafayel, what are you DOING? Get off of there, you'll scare away the reviewer!
Lafayel: This worthless bit of scum-
NF: LAFAYEL! …it's a reviewer, even f they are a bit of scum-which they are not- they are NICE bits of scum who take time out of their busy schedule to leave a note to a an utterly unworthy geek/nerd/dork like me.
Lafayel: (snorts) Who is this moron 'eclipse' anyway. Some saintly, pretty, decorative bit of fluff like Israfel?
NF: Er…No…he's…um…a demon.
Lafayel: (eyes narrow) A DEMON? I am far more worthy of praise than any MERE demon!
Eclipse: (coughs pointedly)
Lafayel: (turns around) Who the Hell is this long haired twit?
NF: (smirk) Eclipse, demon of the third order, official eraser ass-kicker.
Eclipse: (glares and summons a fireball)
Lafayel: (stares) Why does it have to be-YEOWCH! FIRE! (falls from the sky as a burning wreak…AGAIN)
NF: (prods him with a toe) Good work Eclipse-san. I really like your style…
Eclipse: But you, mere mortal, have mocked the noble line of Raenef…
NF: Huh? I have?
Eclipse: (points to the end of part five) Um…Yes. Prepare to suffer.
NF: Oh CRAP! (runs screaming like a little girl)
(laughs nervously) Gotta love DD…
Rin-D- WOW! Someone had a lot of time on their hands, ne? Thanks for the reviews, all FOUR of them (wow…) Your complements are making me turn red.
Lafayel: (bandaged) Yeah, and WE did all the work.
NF: ACH STIKKIN YER TRAKKINS!
Tomonori: (blink) Was that a sneeze? Bless you.
NF: Not really. But thank you anyway. And NO you didn't do most of the work! You aren't even IN this! You're DEAD!
Lafayel: WE are your characters for this meaningless story!
NF: Yes, and without me you wouldn't have any of this excessive descriptiveness that MAKES MY story so awesome!
Tsukasa: (gets between them) Oh please don't fight, can't we all just calm down and relax?
NF: IS this a trick question?
Lafayel: I will do no such thing for the likes of you ISRAFEL.
Tsukasa: (flinch)
Tomonori: (punches Lafayel square in the head and knocks him backwards through a wall)
NF: (staring wide eyed) …oh my.
Tsukasa: Tomonori-san! Are you okay!
Tomonori: (suddenly holds his hand stiffly) Ow…he has a hard head… (wince)
Tsukasa: (Grabs the hand) Oh Tomonori-san…you didn't need to do that. Now you've hurt yourself!
Tomonori: Um…no…really…I'm…really Tsukasa, it's just…
Tsukasa: (Hugs his hand)
(big moment of silence where they just stare at eachother in one of those sappy romantic scenes…)
NF: Oh stop it you two, you're getting fluffy again.
Mizunagi: Stikkit yer trakkins, Neurofeces. (drags her away so Tomonori and Tsukasa can have some alone time)
NF: Er, THANKS RIN-D! And I still don't believe your stories are…shit…! Of course I don't know most of the fandoms either, but hey! (thumbs up as she's dragged off)
Saiko-Hannah-Chan- And here's my lovely first reviewer for chapter six. (smiles at her) Hello again! Sorry to make you wait, I know it must be hard for you. But really we're doing all we can over here.
Mizunagi: Oh my GOD! Lafayel, how on EARTH did you manage to get muffin mix on the CEILING?
Lafayel: WILL YOU SHUT UP! GIVE ME BACK THAT BLENDER THIS INSTANT!
(grins fixedly and grinds her teeth as she looks in the direction of the kitchen) Thanks for the offer on the hampsters, but really, I think I've tamed them as long as I keep feeding them innocent pedestrians every few hours…and they seem to really like Shiba,
Shiba: WHERE ARE MY COMRADES! MANA-SAN! OFF MY HEAD FOUL VERMIN! (bloodcurdling scream)
(snickers to herself)
Yes, I can tell you're going to be one person snickering and- (stops talking) Ramen…(whispers) RAMEN! (grabs noodles and squeals) RAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEN!
Mizunagi&Lafayel: (heads poke out of the kitchen door as Neurofeces dances down the hallways cackling and holding the ramen high in the air)
Mizunagi: KURO! I need the noodle NOW!
Kuro: Oy vey…I'll get Nakaura-kun to hold back her arms. Gabriel? Where's my noodle?
Hee…thank you for being so supportive. You really are giving me an unnecessary ego trip…I need to keep feeding you…here, have some milk…and um…pick one of those vast numbers of syrups, won't you? (evil grin) Thank you for the ramen, it shall aid me in my plot to RULE THE WORLD…okay fine…maybe just the fandom…(shrug) Gotta start somewhere…
Kasumi Sora- Whaaaat? Just because you helped me out like crazy I can't dedicate a chapter to you? Besides you keep me entertained on LJ when I'd have nobody else but MOG…and you start to BLUSH? What are you, Tsukasa? (Your meme with the twelve people was hilarious …I think that half the stuff that's happening to poor Tomonori is far worse than any nasty pairings…I mean. How can you blush if you didn't blush at THAT? (cackle)) Since when do you blush because of something I do?
Tomonori: what? What's happening to me? (suspicious)
NF: (swallows down her laughter)Don't worry about it…oh look, she directed something at you.
Tomonori: (reads) You're perfectly right, I'm not going to get ANY work done with her around…(gives Neurofeces an unhappy look)
NF: hey! Be nice or I'll put Tsukasa in the Lafayel costume.
Tomonori: (pales) …You wouldn't…(looks VERY worried)
NF: I would…besides, just think of all the skin you could look at…(grins evilly)
Tomonori: (eyes widen) (look of terror crosses his face before he suddenly goes beet red) Tsukasa! (runs off to go rescue him from the evil costume..)
NF: (eye roll) tch. Bishies.
If I ever make T-shirts, I will totally send you one in the mail….big 'TXT' on the front, with that little scene of Tomonori giving Tsukasa the present on the back (from the 4 panel comic in book 2?) or something…I'll have to find something interesting…
Hmm…Considering that I have the 'annotated alice' I figured I might as well use it. Alice in Wonderland is total ownage…one question though, has anyone aside from me ever read 'through the looking glass'? It's kind of hard to find on it's own. (I have my 'annotated' copy, but I don't know anyone else who's ever even read it) I happen to like the Cheshire cat for Wonderland. (smirk) But the chess match in TLG is really awesome.
Lafayel: (reading over her shoulder) You DO torture him so…even I feel sorry for the incompetant human every once in a while.
NF: Like I can do anything about it. It's not exactly easy for me to torture him, but hey, if I made everything easy it would be so much less satisfying in the end.
Lafayel: (opens his mouth to say something sarcastic)
NF: Oh look! Ants! Lafayel, go get the ants for me…
Lafayel: (swears loudly and walks away to go get the ants)
Problem: even before I post, I do not see big long paragraphs. I just see paragraphs. Because I almost never write SMALL paragraphs. Heck, I don't even write Paragraphs half the time, I write pages. Oro. Sorry, but I'm trying as I can. I know you want to beta read or something (and with your "lack of description" mixed with my excessiveness, we shall rule the world! Bwahahaaa!…er…something like that, right?) but anyway keep in mind how I do this--I'm reading over this every night and adding and modifying stuff as I go…If I let you beta read, I'll probably run into the problem of having to synchronize two different chapters. (Yeah…um…it's happened before…)
Need I remind you, the original reason you liked me was because I was trying to pimp off my Tsukasa and Shiba fanarts on a Livejournal JO fangroup comment line (why you were reading that, I have no idea, but that's how we met…I think…). Why you like me now is a bit more of a mystery to me, since I am a loser, and you are not, but still…(grin) You seem to have shoved aside all your manga-savvy coolness just to review to my rambling uber descriptive fic, and I'm grateful, so I dedicated a chapter to you. I CAN DO THAT! (sticks out tongue) Besides, I like to embarrass you. (nyeh!)
…What is this 'grammatically correct' that you speak of? (oh crap, I have MORE problems with my fic? grr…I KNEW this was too easy.) Oh, something only you will get. I took your meme home and used new people and got this:
Mana and Alister (what the burning hay? Talk about the odd couple!) are in a happy relationship until Alister runs off with Itsuki (Boy that sucks for Mana, lose your boyfriend, AND lose one of your mindbroken soldiers too…awkward.) Mana, broken-hearted (that I can see) has a hot one-night stand with Lafayel (Um, isn't he trying to kill her? and HELLO, He's dead! Even then, er…NO!) and a brief unhappy affair with Shiba (Poor Shiba. You'd think she'd be a little nicer to him…you've gotta feel for that guy) then she follows Eclipse's wise advice (yeah, Eclipse is good for advice…Eclipse: use dark arrow and destroy their home town in a bath of fire. Mana: Um…-sniffle- I don't think I can do that… Eclipse: Then you are doomed. Mana: -begins to cry- Eclipse:-sweatdrop- oh fine, listen closely… ) And finds true love with Tsukasa (Oo?…Tomonori is SO not going to be happy…)
I think someone's going to read that who's not supposed to… (nervous laughter)
Do I even need to tell you to keep reading? If you don't I can just pop up and bug you relentlessly on your journal. (smirk) YOU, despite what you say, need to keep writing. I LIKE your stories, despite how non-descriptive you think they are. I say keep going!
And um…I'll have to work on those T-shirts…hmm.
Worthless Shadow-(ahem) Er…thanks for replying to my incessant pimping off of my own greatness. You can feel free to throw something at me for being an arrogant asshole. (THIS response is rather non-poetic…to make up for what I did to you last chapter (grin))
Fluff is an enemy of mine…or it was…I don't know anymore, shounan-ai was an enemy of mine too, and NOW look at me. (hangs head in shame)
Tomonori: I'm not confused!
NF: So you love Tsukasa?
Tomonori: Ye-N-Y-….(closes mouth and glares) That's an inappropriate question!
NF: So it is, and you didn't answer it.
Tomonori:…
Tsukasa: (sighs) It's alright…I'll leave you alone (gets all bummed out again)
Tomonori: No Tsukasa, it's not like that! I…(glances back at Neurofeces nervously)
NF: (grinning evilly)
Tsukasa: (big eyes) Do you…like me, Tomonori-san?
Tomonori: (seems torn)
Tsukasa: (waiting hopefully.)
NF: (waiting with a knowing smirk) Well go on, answer the boy.
Tomonori: I…I…(suddenly grabs his head and passes out from the stress)
Tsukasa: Tomonori-san! (grabs him) Tomonori-san! (shaking him) Tomonori-san wake up!
NF: Tch. Cheater. (grumbles)
Tsukasa: (panicking) He won't wake up!
NF: (smirking evilly) Maybe he needs mouth to mouth…
Tsukasa: Oh! (takes her suggestion seriously)
NF: (sweatdrop) …er…I bet that'll help him decide…eugh…I think I'll skip lunch today…(grossed out) Blech…
Tsukasa: (desperately trying to revive him…even though he's obviously not doing it right)
NF: You know, I don't think mouth-to-mouth usually involves tongue…(turns to WS) Er…yeah…He seems confused…I think he's having trouble deciding to still pretend to be passed out, or wake up and make out with Tsukasa. Oro. Hee.
Aspreal- Are my authors notes REALLY longer than the fic? Hmm…last I checked, my former chapter alone had about twenty pages to it without any authors notes at all…So if you were being literal I don't THINK that they're quite THAT long…but yeah…they're a touch excessive aren't they? (sweatdrop) Hopefully the fic, plus parodies makes up for it. Everything's pretty long here. THIS time, I think my authors notes might actually be longer than the chapter, but still, the chapter's long anyway, ad I'm parodizing all over the place, so it's like there's still story going on, so I don't think that really counts. (I need a vent, and this amuses people)
My grammar is lacking? That is unpossible. (grin) Okay, a little. But it's better than page long paragraphs I think. Notably, Grammar is spelled with no 'e', but your criticism is accepted nonetheless (and with some amusement). I'm running off a version of Word from 2000, I don't think it has an automatic grammar checker like the more recent XP versions do…but in future chapters I'll try to do better.
That said, THANK YOU. It's nice to know that I'm hooking in the typical 'tough critics' so to speak. It's very flattering to be made an exception.
Eye descriptions: would you rather that I go on about how pretty Tsukasa's nose is? Um…if you have a suggestion for a proper substitute then I suppose I could try, but I tend to look people in the eye, and all this stuff just came to me and seemed to be some of my best stuff in there. I didn't really want to remove it because it turned out soooo good. But so far I think I've hit them without reason other than going all purple-prosy—for Tsukasa I believe—about three times.
Eyes are important in the fic. They will continue to be important in the fic. I'll have to describe them, if only because they're an important part of how Tsukasa sees Tomonori. He HAS to have struggle registering there, because it will come as a surprise to Tsukasa. But I can certainly cut back on the flowery language for Tsukasa's eyes. I think I've about done the best I can with last chapter's description. (I have this mental picture…and it won't leave me alone. Damn they're pretty!)
The 'skit thingy' made you laugh…yeah well, the 'skit thingy' makes me laugh too. But since I'm the one writing it, people generally just think I'm a loony toon for doing that. I hope you enjoyed the one above.
Since I'm not done with it yet, I'd say the fic's continuing. Wish granted. Gee that was pretty easy. Want a plant or something as a souvenir? (chucks a squash) (grin) Hope you keep reading, oh noble critic. You're fun to write back to, you know that? That said, would you like to torment a bishie? Hmm…that's funny, they seem to be staying out of your review…I'm better go check the closets myself…I think Lafayel's off using the hand blender or something…
XO'Magick Moon'OX- first off, please forgive me if I've accidentally screwed up your name somehow… (is there a space between 'Magick' and 'Moon' or not?) Well…whoever you are, I first off would like to thank you for the three reviews. They were delicious. (smirk)
Tomonori: I'm not SILLY…(insulted) (reads more) (pales)
Tsukasa: (reading over his shoulder) Eight years is nothing! (persistant)
Tomonori: But you're a minor and I'm an adult!
NF: Well then, as long as you don't screw him, you should be fine.
Tomonori: (reddens) Watch your mouth!
Tsukasa: But she's right Tomonori-san!
Tomonori: …(gapes then closes his mouth quickly) I should think you would know better than to ask for something like that Tsukasa.
Tsukasa: (blush) But I love you!
Tomonori: (wince)…maybe…maybe you're just confused! Maybe your amnesia's acting up-
NF: (sarcastically)Maybe someone's making excuses?
Tsukasa: But The reviewer thinks we belong together!
Tomonori: That still doesn't make it right!
NF: (eye roll) Oh, let me guess, you're-
Tomonori: Too old!
NF: (continues on the line)-too poor, too PLAGERISM OF J.K. ROWLING? Stow it Nakaura-san. I'm your writer, if I write that you two end up together, there's nothing much you can do about it.
Lafayel: (watching from the sidelines looking bored) You humans and your romance are pathetic.
Tsukasa: Lafayel, Um…I think the ants are back in the closet?
Lafayel: (glares) YOU TOO! (storms off to go check the closet)
(moment of quiet)
Lafayel: GABRIEL GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE CLOSET AND TAKE YOUR STUPID MINDBREAKER WITH YOU!
NF: (cracks up again)
Tomonori: (sighs) are you done yet?
Tsukasa: (turns red and sweatdrops at the thought of what Gabriel and Kuro could be doing in the closet)
NF: Yes…I'm done
Tomonori: Alright then. I am too old for him. He's too young for me. We're both men. I'm a priest. He's an angel. I can think of a million reasons why it couldn't work.
NF: Oh come on, you make out with Tsukasa off screen all the time—
Tomonori: (pales) SHHH!
Tsukasa: But she's right, Tomonori-san…are you…ashamed of me? (gets all hurt and pathetic and cute and Tsuaksa-ish) …I guess I don't blame you…I'm deformed…I'm not good enough for you…
Tomonori: (mouths soundlessly in shock before he catches himself) No! I…I don't think that at all about you Tsukasa!
Tsukasa: (gets sort of hopeful) R-Really?
Tomonori: I…(swallows) Yes.
Tsukasa: (tearful smile)
NF: (rolls eyes) Good, that solves that. See Amou-kun? He loves you, but is too stupid to actually say it, you can glomp him without feeling a twinge of regret.
Tsukasa: (brightens) T-Tomonori-san?
Tomonori: (Bright red) …(gives in and hugs Tsukasa) (mouths 'I'll get you for this' to NF)
NF: There, now that wasn't so hard. Back to my reply.
Yay! You don't care about my paragraphs! I am SO giving you the fanart links just for that alone, not to mention the saying I am IC with all my new inventions (flattering, but I don't think so, I've had to fill in too much for it to be utterly IC). They're MY fanart works notably, so there's only two of them…so far (one of Amou, and one of Shiba) but You seem like a good home for them to go to, just as long as you don't say you did them (if you do, I will send Lafayel to look for ants in your reviews)
INSERT WEB ADRESSES:
Amou doesn't look dead does he? (eyes Tsukasa worriedly) No considering he's still confusing poor Tomonori plenty, I'd say he's still alive. Thanks for the trust though. Notably if I was going to kill him, this would a be a tragedy fic.
If Tomonori told him how he felt, there wouldn't be any conflict now would there? (smirk) besides, it's unrealistic for everything to be all nice and happy in just an evening, right? This is going to go on for a while, sorry.
With all the praises I'm somewhat worried I'm going to see you on the sidelines somewhere with pompoms and a TXT matching outfit set or something. I mean, fans…weird…I didn't know I had BIG fans like this. I mean, yeah, people like my fic. The paragraphs suck, but they like the fic…I just didn't expect to get 'YOUR FIC IS AMAZING' in big capital letters no less. Um…gee…thanks… (rubs back of neck awkwardly and blushes)
The eyes, heh…well what can I say? I need to find more fandoms with angels in them so I can have fun making inhumanly beautiful and complicated eyes…(sigh) But yeah…pesky mental picture. And most unfortunately, I've been trying to capture them in fanart about five times now and I always screw up (DANG) so I seem to have to depend on my writing to communicate the idea that I have. (sigh) Most unfortunate. Hee.
Just tell me if you use the fanart for something, okay? (1-I'm nosy and want to see if there are any other JO groups I might have missed somehow… 2-I want to see if you make them better if you have paintshop skills, which I lack!)
Thank you, once again, for all your kind reviews.
Oh and if I ever end up making a picture of something stupid (I'm thinking about embarrassing Lafayel…) Would you like that too?
Argent Inluminai- Hi again! Neo…(laughs) I loved the first Matrix. Jump program huh? Well, I'm hardly leaping great buildings…just rambling, and I'm trying to keep it a little more concise this time. Thank you for actually LOOKING to see if things were running smoothly (I will now worship you as though you were a god! Er…well…maybe not…but thanks anyway!) Things are running smoothly in wonderland…or as smoothly as they ever do when you're busy tumbling down the rabbit hole (and picking up jars to eat on the way down of course…)
I take it you play spades? I love that game…favorite card game, yo (ooh, note my attempts at being cool and down wit' it …or whatever it is…pathetic eh?). I thought to myself…Self? What can we do? Nakaura-san's a little dark to be diamonds, or hearts or any of the red suits…and he isn't exactly clubs material…so do you think we can risk it with spades? Self text messaged back: Hell yeah, go for it girlfriend. I had a bit of a talk over the word choice (…Self, I think you're been watching the in-crowd a little too much…(suspicious glance)) And yeah, you're SUPPOSED to feel bad for them. (hello? Angst/romance?) A self beating love where both sides are in perfect harmony but neither one will acknowledge it, and both are consequently in emotional agony, is just one of those things where after a while you REALLY want to give the people a hug and tell them to get together already…but they really need a bit of a kick in the pants before they stop their self moaning this time… It's amazing how selfish love can be when all you care about is the other person!
Never hesitate to give me the psychological viewpoint, I just eat that stuff up. I love it. Yes, Tomonori has a lot against him if he's ever going to end up with Tsukasa. A lot of hurdles that aren't going to be easy to jump in a dress.
Tomonori: It's a robe! (points at his style of attire irritably)
NF: Whatever.
(laughs) Okay, point taken. In the world of anime, eight years is nothing—personally, I never really got into sailor moon…it's a little shojo-ish for my taste, plus half the show seems to be people changing clothes in public…albeit with nice animation…You'd think there would be some embarrassment issues…but no…(grins) Really Tsukasa's body-change thing isn't much different, except he doesn't seem to go through a phase where he dances around and glows while he's naked, and puts on each accessory separately…(evil cackle)
Tomonori: Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
NF: Yeah, meaning that if she worships anyone other than you, she will be gutted with that 'bling-bling' cross of yours.
Tsukasa: (confusedly) blingbling? What's a blingbling? Does it jingle?
NF: Maybe. I never really understood ghetto-speak. As a rocker-geek, I'm more partial to British cuss words. (shrug)
Tsukasa: (smiles, ignores most of the words as white noise, and hugs Tomonori)
Tomonori: I don't NEED worshippers, thank you.
NF: awww, but she feeds you guys!
Tsukasa: Oh! She brought that delicious pocky? Oh thank you! (smiles at A.I….oooh! Cool initials!)
Tomonori: (sighs and stares wearily from the reviewer to Neurofeces) Why is it always me?
NF: Because you're the tall, sexy, reserved, older man, who has the 'unattainable preist' label that the fangirls seem to love. (rolls eyes)
Tomonori: (blink) eh?
NF: Don't look at me, I don't understand fangirls of certain bishies either. I just like your whole setup for the story, not the characters one at a time…
Tomonori: I thought Tsukasa was the favorite character.
NF: He is. …Because he's the polite, sweet, naïve, femininely pretty, girls-die-for-my-figure, 'angel with a dark past', who has a questionably close relationship with the tall, sexy, reserved, 'unattainable preist'…people like him because he's him. You don't usually meet guys like him you know…
Tomonori: (glances at Tsukasa) You have a point.
Tsukasa: (blushes)
NF: Okay, I'm going to get back to my responses now before you two start going off again…jeez, give you some trouble in story, and you make up for it by becoming attached at the hip everywhere else!
It would seem my rampant ideas are becoming solved, but thank you. I hope you enjoyed…or at least dealt well with my randomness. (bows) I how you don't have to print it out this time… (smile)
Artificial Lung- Yay! Another Florida geek! Actually it seems more like 'what is your choice, a life of marsupials, descendants of convicts, and "g'day mate's"? Or a life of hurricanes, killer mosquitoes, and oppressive humidity.' Gee, such an easy choice…(sarcastic) I'm Miami-Dade county, we seem to be getting a lot of close calls lately. (shrug) Hooray for concrete block houses. Personally, I LIKE hurricane season, all the clouds are NICE (I'm one of those weird people who thinks the state of Washington with it's rainy climate is a good place to live) for me it's more like 'ACH! SUNLIGHT MAKE IT STOP!' (giggles) Thanks for letting me vent about the sunshine state.
GAH! Are you people conspiring to turn my face the color of a tomato? I mean, is my fic THAT good? (I'm not quite perfectionistic enough to get worried about the 'like's not at this point at least…I haven't even noticed.) Hmm, remind me to fed the plot bunnies…(mutters to herself)
Oh! A Floridian who reads DD, yeah, I definitely like you! When you get up an account, write some JO. This place has less than a hundred fics! PATHETIC! We can do better than that! Plot oriented people untie…er…UNITE! (dang typos, conspiring with the smut fics…grr…)
(cocks head) are you pecking grain? What's with all the bowing? You're making me seasick! And whaddaya mean for CONSIDERNG even reading this. I reply to EVERYONE and you wrote a lot. I don't exactly write back by osmosis…yet (if evil plan # 478 and a third works out, then I'll never have to worry about this again, but it's already blown up about five times now, so I don't think so…)
NF: LAFYAEL! HAMPSTERS! SMITE THE FIGMENTS!
Hampsters: BRAINS!
Lafayel: Why do I ALWAYS have to smite stuff…why can't you send Israfel instead!
NF: He's checking for ants in the closet.
Lafayel: (rants and raves about the unfairness of it all and the stupidity of humanity)
I DO look forward to seeing you again. (smile) Bye I guess! Stay safe, you! Get those shutters up when you need to!
This concludes the longest review-fest ever. Leave a review if you dare. (You don't even want to know what's going to happen next time)
REVIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK!
May cause: Bloating of the ego; Strange urges to glomp/molest bishies; Phobia of hampsters, closets, or ants; excessive washing of eyebrows; Vertigo in rabbit holes; shouting of the phrase 'spades rock!'; a desire to brutally maim any rabbits with pocketwatches; whining about your job; fanarts; fanfics; fan-shirts; fan-socks; fan-fans…etc.
Not to be read by people with kidney or liver disease, may cause additional sexual side effects.
You have been warned (tries not to crack up)