Author's Note: Yea, this is random. Next chappy will be better, I'm hoping.
Disclaimer: Tom Cruise belongs to Katey Holmes for now, and MI2 belongs to some poor bastard trying to make it big on crap storylines and unnecessary special fx.
Scene change to a 6 foot high cliff. The real Ethan Hunt is climbing this and being only 2 foot high it's quite a task for him.
Ethan slips. Doesn't seem to care, becuase he's only 4 feet from the ground. A helicopter flies around the 'cliff' for a bit. Ethan keeps climbing. He knocks a lizard flying as he climbs.
Ethan: Whoa.
Ethan grabs lizard and stops it falling a few feet. Ethan bites it's head off and starts eating it.
Ethan: Mmm crunchy.
Ethan reaches the summit, still chewing on the lizard. Looks to the helicopter - RSPCA is printed on the side.
Ethan: Oh Shit.
A lady in it fires a traquiliser at him. It hits him in the neck and he passes out.
Lady: (as helicopter flies away) That will teach ya to eat poor defenceless lizards.
Ethan awakes the next day and sees a pair of pink sunnies in the shape of stars are lying beside him.
Ethan: Score.
He picks them up and puts them on. They scan his retinas.
Sunglasses: Identity Confirmed.
Swanneck: Good morning Mr Hunt.
Swanneck voice over: You mission should you choose to accept it, requires you to recover a stolen item, designated chimera. Essential to the mission is the recruitment of a civilian - a Miss Nyah Nordoff-Hall. She is a highly capable professional theif and is currently sexually active in Spain.
Pictures of Nyah flash up while Swanneck talks. However every now and then flashes of porn come up.
Swanneck voice over: Her dossier's available on I-COM 3. You have 48 hours to recruit Ms. Nordoff-Hall and meet me in Seville to receive further details. Should you or any member of your MI force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions.
Pictures of warrents and complaints about Nyah flash up on the screen while Swanneck talks, more glimpses of porn.
Swanneck appears on the screen.
Swanneck: And Mr Hunt, the next time you go on vacation, please be good enough to let us know where you are going. This message will self destruct in 5 seconds.
Sunglasses blow up.
Swanneck: Oh did I say 5 seconds? I meant 1. (maliciously). I guess that adds new meaning to the term 'sunburnt'.
Ethan: huh? what the hell are you on?
Swanneck: Just laugh and play along and nobody will know you haven't got a clue.
Ethan: Right, you've been at the dope again, haven't you?
Swanneck nods and shakes his head and giggles.
Ethan jumps off the rock. And lands on the camera, it breaks the lens.
Ethan: Oops I'm sorry, guys really I am, I'll pay for the damages.
Cameraman: This is the 5th time this week! And it's only Monday!
Ethan: I didn't mean it, jeez.