Rodney
"Oh, stop sulking. You're acting like a two year old." Yeah, well what about you? To get my attention, you practically threatened to hold your breath until you turned blue!
"This is your fault, you know."
"How'd you figure that?"
She sounds amused. Stop sounding amused! There's nothing funny whatsoever about this. "All you had to do was keep your mouth shut while I was working." I realize that for you, this may be an Olympic feat.
"You have no idea what it's like inside here, OK?" Now that is mildly amusing… in a totally idiotic way. It's my head, of course I know what it's like!
"Yes, yes, I do. I know exactly what it's like in here because I live in here. I like it here!"
We're walking down one of the inner corridors of the city. I'm sure I'm a great source of entertainment as I stride past people while seemingly talking to myself. So absorbed am I in arguing with Cadman in my head that I don't even notice Katie when she comes up from behind.
"Rodney?"
"Be cool!"
Right. Just like you were when you were giggling at Carson. "Katie! Hi."
"Is, uh, everything OK?" Oh, no. Not her, too! I'm not crazy!
"Yes! Yes! Everything is just fine. I was just, uh ..."
"Talking on the radio! Talking on the radio!"
" ...talking on the radio. You're well, I take it?" All right, I'll admit that was a good save on your part. But don't get any more ideas!
"I, uh, heard you ran into some trouble offworld today." Huh. What exactly did she hear? I wonder what sort of rumors are spreading around the city.
"Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, but everything's fine now - it's all been sorted out. Back to normal." Yes, yes. Normal. Normal is good.
"Good. So we're still on for tomorrow?" God, I hope so. I hope I haven't screwed this up.
"Yes, yes. Yes, actually, I'm ... very much looking forward to it. In fact, I'm sure it'll be a, uh, ... you know, a wonderful ... evening, and what not." Nice. I'm sounding like a blithering idiot! It's all Cadman's fault.
"Right! Well, I'll see you then."
"Mm."
Katie's walking away now, but she still doesn't seem convinced that everything's okay. She's staring at me... okay, now she's gone. It's only a matter of time before my inner demon starts nagging again.
"You really know nothing about women, do you!" And there she is!
"I know plenty." Thank you very much. I've dated before, you know. Once or twice.
"Maybe this is a good thing."
Huh? Maybe I'm not the one who should be going to Heightmeyer! "Excuse me?"
"I could teach you a thing or two about the opposite sex, McKay. Lord knows you need it!"
"This is hell! This is my own personal hell!" Facing a fiery explosive death at the hands of Anubis wasn't this bad!
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Laura
McKay is such a big baby. What did he think Dr. Weir was going to do? Let someone who is seemingly ranting into thin air play with alien technology? Besides, doesn't he like blondes? He should be drooling at the chance to see the shrink. "Oh, stop sulking. You're acting like a two year old."
"This is your fault, you know."
There's a laugh. In case you haven't noticed, I don't have a body right now! Therefore nothing I do can directly affect anything. You're the one who decided to argue with me. "How'd you figure that?"
"All you had to do was keep your mouth shut while I was working."
"You have no idea what it's like inside here, OK?" How could I possibly keep my mouth shut? You have any idea what your subconscious looks like, McKay? Let me tell you, you've got some serious issues jammed in here. Freud would be ecstatic at the chance to get you on the couch… in a purely professional way, of course.
"Yes, yes, I do. I know exactly what it's like in here because I live in here. I like it here!" Well then, clean up the place already!
"Rodney?" Oh, no. There's Katie. Damn, her timing sucks! She'll never believe the wild story of me being stuck in McKay's brain. She'll just run away screaming from the crazy man instead. If I had a forehead, I would have started banging it against the wall.
"Be cool!" You know, like John Travolta in that movie "Get Shorty." Maybe we can still salvage this.
"Katie! Hi." Good. Even McKay can't screw up a "hello."
"Is, uh, everything OK?"
"Yes! Yes! Everything is just fine. I was just, uh ..."
Think fast, Laura. Gotta think fast. "Talking on the radio! Talking on the radio!"
" ... talking on the radio. You're well, I take it?" It's a miracle! He listened to me.
"I, uh, heard you ran into some trouble offworld today." Oh, you have NO idea.
"Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, but everything's fine now - it's all been sorted out. Back to normal." I'm not sure the words "normal" and "McKay" belong in the same sentence.
"Good. So we're still on for tomorrow?" Hmm. I hadn't thought of this before, but our predicament may give me a unique opportunity...
"Yes, yes. Yes, actually, I'm ... very much looking forward to it. In fact, I'm sure it'll be a, uh, ... you know, a wonderful ... evening, and what not." Oh, very smooth, Dr. Love.
"Right! Well, I'll see you then."
"Mm."
All right, listen up! "You really know nothing about women, do you!" Fortunately, I'm going to take pity on you and give you a crash course.
"I know plenty." Yeah? That explains why you're suddenly sweating and your heart is pounding. Courtesy of the Wraith, I can now feel it, too! It's an experience I can do without.
"Maybe this is a good thing."
"Excuse me?"
"I could teach you a thing or two about the opposite sex, McKay. Lord knows you need it!"
"This is hell! This is my own personal hell!" Yes, and I'm Satan. If he's not careful, I'm going to flash-fry his ass.
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Rodney
I'm here in Heightmeyer's office, ready to waste an entire hour of my time. She's hot, but I happen to think she's a lousy shrink. And believe me, I've had plenty of experience with them! "How do you feel you're qualified to help us with this problem, huh?" I take back everything I ever said about medicine being voodoo… psychology is ten times worse!
"I'm not. Who could be? This was not covered in medical school! But I have spent quite some time as a couples therapist." So you want me to believe that the SGC, who undoubtedly had their pick of renowned psychiatrists and psychologists, chose a couples therapist as Atlantis' only mental health professional! We're lucky we're not all drooling idiots by now.
"We're not a couple!"
Truer words were never spoken. "In any sense of the definition - not a couple."
"No!"
"In physics, a 'couple' is defined as a pair of forces equal in magnitude acting in opposite directions."
"Hmm." Oh, aren't we clever? Tell you what, lady. You don't attempt to teach me physics and I'll refrain from calling you a simpering fool.
"So you don't feel that applies here?"
"Yeah, that's very clever, but we're not equal forces." Maybe because... oh, I don't know... SHE'S INHABITING MY SKULL!
"Watch it!"
Oh, don't get your panties in a twist. "And what I mean by that is she's just a voice in my head - I have control of the body."
"I've seen your body, McKay - you can keep it." Bite me, Cadman.
"How do you know that? She's been able to access the part of your brain that creates speech and controls hearing - why not movement?" All kidding aside, Doctor Heightmeyer, I think you're getting too caught up in your fascination with the phenomenon. Let's just concentrate on getting her out, okay?
You're not going to let this go, are you? Fine, let's talk, then. "Well if she could have, she would have by now."
"Maybe you need to release control."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because, like it or not, you're sharing that body. The roles could have easily been reversed, Rodney - you could be trapped inside her body. And wouldn't you like a chance to, say, talk to others without having to go through her?" Oh, so what are we going to do? Work out a joint custody agreement? This is ridiculous!
"Yeah!" You would say that.
"Maybe."
"Maybe!"
"OK, yes, I would want that"
"So let her."
"Oh..." I believe this is where Carson would say something like, "Bloody hell!"
"Close your eyes, take deep breaths and stop trying to control everything for a second." Hey, I admit it. I'm a control freak, it's what I do.
"Hullo? Hullo?" Oh my God, this is weird! I hear my own voice coming out of my mouth, but I'm not making up the words. I have no control over what I'm saying! She better not make me say anything stupid.
"Laura?"
"Oh, this is weird! Hearing his voice when I speak!" You have no idea. Try hearing your own voice when you don't actually control it!
"Can you move?"
"I dunno - let me try."
Oh, that is just gross! My fingers are wiggling themselves in front of my face. No way, this isn't happening anymore. "OK, that's enough of that."
"Oh, come on!"
"Doctor McKay, we were just starting to make progress." Is that what you're calling it?
"Well, progress won't be necessary if we can get her out of here. Now, I have calmed down - so has she. Let me get back to work."
"Oh, OK."
"Really? Oh, she-she's fine with this, by the way."
"...Sorta..."
"Sorta. So, yeah, can I...?" Out of here!
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Laura
I can feel McKay fuming, and for once I agree with him. This really is a waste of our time. "How do you feel you're qualified to help us with this problem, huh?" Okay, I'm not sure I would have put it quite that bluntly, but otherwise he's spot on.
"I'm not. Who could be?" Well, that's refreshingly honest."This was not covered in medical school! But I have spent quite some time as a couples therapist."
Hey! "We're not a couple!"
"In any sense of the definition - not a couple."
"No!" I'd rather get busted down to private and clean the puddlejumpers with my toothbrush!
"In physics, a 'couple' is defined as a pair of forces equal in magnitude acting in opposite directions."
Wow, I wonder if McKay knows what it looks like in here when his blood pressure goes up like that. Can a person's head actually explode? "Hmm." I don't have to hear his thoughts to know what he's thinking!
"So you don't feel that applies here?"
"Yeah, that's very clever, but we're not equal forces."
"Watch it!" Between that and "girlie," you are so on my shit list, dude.
"And what I mean by that is she's just a voice in my head - I have control of the body."
"I've seen your body, McKay - you can keep it." I probably should warn Katie, too.
"How do you know that? She's been able to access the part of your brain that creates speech and controls hearing - why not movement?" Huh. In spite of what I said earlier about Heightmeyer, that's actually a good question.
"Well if she could have, she would have by now." Definitely!
"Maybe you need to release control."
"Why would I do that?" You selfish bastard.
"Because, like it or not, you're sharing that body. The roles could have easily been reversed, Rodney - you could be trapped inside her body. And wouldn't you like a chance to, say, talk to others without having to go through her?"
Guess I'll have to rethink my opinion of shrinks in general and Heightmeyer in particular. "Yeah!"
"Maybe."
"Maybe!" You are so full of it, McKay!
"OK, yes, I would want that."
"So let her... Close your eyes, take deep breaths and stop trying to control everything for a second." He listens.
"Hullo? Hullo?" Thank you, God! I have control again. This mouth of McKay's is actually saying what I want it to!
"Laura?"
"Oh, this is weird! Hearing his voice when I speak!" My... his voice sounds really strange to me now. Kind of like hearing your own voice on your answering machine.
"Can you move?"
"I dunno - let me try." Well, would you look at that! My fingers are wiggling... Hey!
"OK, that's enough of that."
Give me control again, damn it! You've hogged the body long enough! "Oh, come on!"
"Doctor McKay, we were just starting to make progress."
"Well, progress won't be necessary if we can get her out of here. Now, I have calmed down - so has she. Let me get back to work."
He has a point now, too. Now that we've established to a shrink's satisfaction that I do indeed exist, we should probably work on separating ourselves. "Oh, OK."
"Really?" Don't make me regret it."Oh, she-she's fine with this, by the way."
"...Sorta..."
"Sorta. So, yeah, can I...?" And we're gone again.
TBC