Disclaimer: I don't Inuyasha…today…tee hee

A/N: So I finally got out of the house. Haha, that usually never happens! I went to a party and saw all my friends that I haven't seen forever, I missed them. Afterwards my good friend Nick took me out to the mall for school shopping. And since we're so cheap, we bought McDonalds. And no offense to anyone who likes Micky D's, but I just don't. I haven't eaten there for like 6 trillion months, but I'm cheap so I decided to go for it. And I swear, I had a heart attack while I was eating my burger. I was like "Nick? Does your chest hurt?" And he says "What the hell are you talking about?" It was really, really weird. It was like all the sudden my heart was being squeezed. But I'm fine! Haha. Anyways! Enjoy this long chapter.

Cigarettes and Lavender

Chapter 12-Saving You

Bi Polar

Inuyasha sat in the kitchen with a glaring Mrs. Higurashi sitting across from him. He glanced at the door nervously. God he needed a smoke. Kagome had left the room for a short time to change into something warmer and cleaner. Inuyasha refused to do the same; he was too humiliated to take any more of their generosity.

"I guess I have a lot of explaining to do…" Maybe he was attempting to make the mood a little lighter, or maybe the silence was driving him insane. Whatever had caused the words to spew from his mouth made the room a lot more uptight than it was before hand.

Mrs. Higurashi shot him a disgusted look before answering. "I guess so…"

It hurt to see her look at him like that. That's the only kind of look he had gotten from his own mother. "I…I didn't mean for things to turn out like they did. I never meant to cause trouble…" He whispered. His eyes burnt with unshed tears.

"Well you did. I can't believe you…" She shot him another revolted look and he vaguely thought of his mother when she was sober. "You took advantage of this family." Her eyes flared, reminding him so much of her daughter.

"I didn't…" Inuyasha stopped in mid sentence as Kagome walked into the kitchen. Mrs. Higurashi looked up also her eyes softening with her daughter in view.

"Mom…" Kagome frowned at her mother. "Let's give Inuyasha some time to explain."

"I don't see why that's necessary Kagome dear, we already know that Inuyasha has lied to us."

Inuyasha stayed silent, he didn't even look up from the kitchen table. He wouldn't cry, and even if he wanted to he didn't think that he could; it seemed the well had dried up.

"Things aren't what they seem, mom."

"Then what are they?"

"His parents…they…aren't who they say they are."

"Kagome sweetheart, you're a good person but things are getting too ridiculous. We saw his parents on the television…I don't see how they can't be who they saw are when we saw them!" Her mother gave her a stern gaze.

"Well they aren't mom! You have to trust me!" Kagome's body shook with frustration.

"Like I trusted Inuyasha!" They stared at each other for some time before Inuyasha broke the apprehensive silence.

"They hurt me Mrs. Higurashi…" Inuyasha looked intently at his dirty palms.

Kagome and her mother whipped their heads to see the boy who had remained silent until now. "What?" Mrs. Higurashi asked startled by the silver headed boy's quiet hesitant voice.

"They hurt me." Tears wouldn't fall the second time he admitted it out loud. Maybe he was finally learning to accept it.

"I…What do you…" Mrs. Higurashi wasn't able to get out anything she was trying to say. Her voice was failing her, but her mind was whirling.

"They hit me…" Inuyasha still refused to look up.

Kagome stepped in, sitting down next to her mother. "Why don't you explain everything." Inuyasha did look up this time giving a long glance to Kagome, she was beautiful, her cerulean eyes full of concern and anxiousness.

"From the beginning?"

"If you feel like you need to." Kagome spoke softly giving Inuyasha an understanding look. Mrs. Higurashi still hadn't spoken.

"Maybe…maybe I should." Inuyasha realized that he was still gazing at Kagome and her lovely heart shaped face. Her cheeks flushed pink with the warmth of her newly changed clothes and her deep sapphire eyes that said so much about what she was thinking.

"I'm sorry." Mrs. Higurashi looked up and fixed her eyes upon the solemn boy. "I don't…I don't know what was wrong with me. I should have had more faith in you." She was something else that was for sure.

"No…I understand." Inuyasha felt his heart swell with gratification.

"Maybe you should explain. From the beginning." She said, still mortified for her behavior.

"Okay…" It was quiet, Inuyasha gathering all his thoughts and memories so he could explain everything. "My parents…married young." He didn't know all about his parent's relationship but Sesshomaru had told him all that he knew…that was, before he died.

"Mom was probably only 14 or 15…dad only a year or so older. My mother's family was wealthy while my father's family was the exact opposite. Mom…to be blunt, gave dad a better social image, as well as a steady cash flow, so he could buy more booze and cigs. Mom, of course, was all for the idea of dating the school's bad boy. She loved him…I'm still questioning why. He got her into some pretty bad habits. Drinking, smoking, drugs, you know…that kind of stuff."

"Dad slept around, mom…she wouldn't lose her virginity unless it was with him." At this point he stopped, glaring daggers into the kitchen table.

"One night, mom went out to party with a friend. She ended up getting drunk and sleeping with some guy. She got pregnant…" Inuyasha held back the tears that he thought had left him, biting his bottom lip.

"Well…dad found out and wasn't happy. No one had ever 'cheated' on him, though he had done it to every girl that he had ever gotten together with. Mom was humiliated and determined to prove her loyalty. Sometimes I wonder about my own mother's sanity…back then and now. I think it's obvious to say that my mom's mom or my grandmother found out about her pregnancy and obviously blamed it on her boyfriend…my father. Both sets of parents agreed it was for the best if they got married…so, they did. Mother inherited her grandmother's house and they moved in at once."

"Dad hated mom. For her betrayal and for their marriage…but mom…she loved him more than life. She was so determined to prove her devotion that she took a fair amount of drugs hoping that it would cause a miscarriage. It didn't. And 8 months later…my brother was born." Inuyasha stopped and squeezed his hands into fists biting his lip harder.

"Wait…brother?" Kagome asked.

"Yes…" Inuyasha went on pretending that Kagome had never spoken. "The drugs that my mother had taken had had a weird affect on her blood…it gave my bother some strange attributes. Silver hair, golden eyes, markings on his face…though those disappeared with age."

"Dad hated the sight of Sesshomaru…my brother. It was like a walking version of his failure. After all, he no longer had his bachelorhood…or his lifelines. He had to make a living not only for himself but his wife and wife's son." Inuyasha felt a wave queasiness flow over him which he pushed down half heartedly.

Kagome and Mrs. Higurashi stayed silent, staring at the boy which refused to look at them. Both felt sick, like they were eavesdropping on some private conversation.

"Mom hired the elderly lady next door to take care of Sess and also to quell my father, Sei's anger. Sesshomaru hardly ever saw his own home. He spent most of his time at Kaede's."

"Four years later mom was pregnant again…with me. It was an accident, but this time with her husband. The drugs which had affected Sesshomaru also affected me." At this Inuyasha pointed to his silver hair which hung just around his chin. Then at his golden eyes which were hidden beneath his bangs. "Sesshomaru and I practically lived at Kaede's. I don't think I ever saw the inside of my own room until I was 4."

"I remember…Kaede use to take us to Tokyo…to visit her niece, Kikyou." Inuyasha smiled at the fond memories. "Sesshomaru had a crush on Kikyou…even though she was like 24 and he was 9. I think it was because; they shared some kind of mutual sorrow. Kikyou was married to a businessman named Naraku. It was common knowledge that he would stay out late with the prostitutes that hung out down the street from their apartment. I think that's why we visited her so often. We use to sit outside on her fire escape while she and Kaede talked, eating popsicles until Naraku came home. I only saw him once or twice…but the few times I did see him…I knew that something was wrong." Inuyasha kept his head down; his voice had stopped wavering which surprised even himself.

"I was 5, Sesshomaru was 9. Kaede's house was being fumigated or something…Sess was out with friends. We were staying at my own house for a short time. Kaede was teaching me to write." Memories came flooding back and his eyes started to water.

Kaede chuckled as Inuyasha once again spelt his brother's name completely wrong. "Inuyasha you need to pay attention, look," She took up the pencil that Inuyasha was holding and once again showed him the correct way to spell Sesshomaru. "this is your brother's name." Inuyasha took up the pencil, his tongue sticking out of his mouth in deep concentration.

Inuyasha clapped his small hands together when he finished and started to jump and down with the paper. "I spelt it!"

"Why! Yes you did." Kaede hugged the small boy and smiled. "Sesshomaru will be very proud of you."

"I want to spell 'red'!" Inuyasha gave the elderly woman a toothy smile. She smiled back the one eye she didn't have covered crinkled. Inuyasha laughed and reached up to lightly touch the patch that covered her left eye, remembering the times before when she had told him and Sesshomaru elaborate tales of losing her eye on the sea with her pirate crew.

"Okay." She knelt down and slowly explained how to spell the boy's favorite color. Inuyasha sat there with the same thoughtful expression.

"Oh Inuyasha, you really need to stop writing your "R's" backwards." Her withered voice was kind and light. He tried again.

Heavy footsteps were heard throughout the house. Heavy drunk footsteps. He hated that sound. She got up, her tired body hunched in old age. Inuyasha father stood in the doorway angry and intoxicated.

Inuyasha could hear Kaede and his father exchange words, Kaede's voice soft and patient and Sei's angry and thunderous. Inuyasha walked to the door, his small body shaking with fear.

In one swift movement, Sei threw the elderly woman down the stairs, her frail body making a resounding smack against the wall at the bottom of the stairwell. She slid down the wall leaving a blood red trail behind her. Inuyasha stared at the scene, tears leaking out of his large golden eyes.

His father turned towards him, his eyes little more than slits with his anger. "Don't you dare say anything you little shit." Inuyasha nodded wordlessly and slowly moved into his brother's room waiting until he came back home.

Inuyasha sat on his brother's unused bed for hours until in the dark of the night Sesshomaru crept up the stairs and into his bedroom. The boy was somehow extraordinarily wise beyond his years. He knew that something was not right, but he willed the thoughts away and stepped into his room.

Sesshomaru stared as his younger brother whom was sitting on his large bed, red in the eyes and clutching a single piece of paper. "Inuyasha?" Sesshomaru spoke with care and waited for his brother to realize he was in the room.

The small boy looked up trembling. He didn't say anything, his voice had left him hours ago.

"She's…she's gone, isn't she?" Sesshomaru knew that something was wrong, it was some kind of mental fear transfused into a nauseating feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Inuyasha nodded and began to cry again as Sesshomaru made his way to the bed. He held Inuyasha close to him, rocking him back and forth in an attempt to calm him. The two silver headed brothers sat sobbing in the dark cold room. Things were going to awfully different from now on.

The room was hushed, Kagome and her mother staring at Inuyasha. Then quietly and almost frighteningly Mrs. Higurashi started to speak. "You mean…he…he killed her?"

Inuyasha looked up, his eyes watering. "Not intentionally…but yes."

Inuyasha felt that he didn't have enough strength to say anything else. This was the most he had ever said out loud about his past and it scared him.

The two women didn't force him to speak, but he didn't want to let them down so he continued. "Dad told the police that she fell down the stairs. With her age and eyesight it wasn't hard to believe. No one questioned him…I told the police that it was true." Inuyasha shook his head and let slow huge fall down his face.

"And I hate myself for it." The two women weren't given a chance to object him saying this because he made sure to fill the gap of silence quickly. "Sesshomaru and I were left with our parents. Mom and dad couldn't afford to hire another nanny…dad went through jobs like toilet paper and mom's family refused to keep supporting them."

"Sesshomaru and I spent less and less time at home. Mom was hardly ever sober. Dad hated the sight of us, so he took every chance he got to beat the living daylights out of us."

"Beat you?" Mrs. Higurashi asked softly.

Inuyasha nodded. "It would get brutal sometimes. Sesshomaru use to get it so bad at times he wouldn't wake up for hours and sometimes not until the next day. I got it pretty bad too…but Sess always tried to keep me hidden. We spent most of our time at the park or really anywhere that kept us away from home. We'd spend days away from home." Inuyasha smiled at the memories of those hot summer days in the park with Sesshomaru. How they'd lie in the grass and watch the clouds until the sun went down and then they'd lie there and watch the stars.

"Naturally we'd have to come home every once in awhile. Dad would bring home prostitutes regularly, mom was never quite there to…'please' him. I think it's safe to say that due to our upbringing we were lead into some bad habits. We pick pocketed to eat and when we didn't have enough money we'd shoplift. Sesshomaru started smoking and drinking by 11. He tampered with overdosing and I'd always be there to hold back his hair when he had to throw up. By 9 I was drinking…my mother taught me." Kagome put a hand to her mouth and Mrs. Higurashi grasped her daughters arm in surprise.

A young Inuyasha watched his mother take another swig of vodka, finishing off the bottle. "Another one!" She yelled at the refrigerator, apparently it was playing bartender.

"Oh for Christ sake, I'll get it myself!" She stumbled out of her chair and to the liquor cabinet. "Where the hell is it?" She staggered back to the kitchen and fell into the chair with another bottle of alcohol in her hand.

Inuyasha stepped slowly into the room. Sesshomaru was away again, he was leaving Inuyasha alone more and more often, and Inuyasha was petrified.

"Oh! Hey! Are you new here?" Izayoi asked her small wide eyed son.

"Ummm..." Inuyasha stared at his feet. It was just his mother and him at home today. Dad was out at a job surprisingly, it wouldn't last long though considering he went to work drunk today.

"You're kinda short…" She said laughing lightly. "You wouldn't happen to be one of those midgets from the circus that's in town. How old are you?" Circus? Inuyasha didn't even know that the circus was in the town. Maybe Sesshomaru would take him sometime.

"9…" He said quietly.

"29, you say? You look kind of familiar…you'd think I'd remember your face since you're so short." She slurred.

"No, I'm 9." Inuyasha said louder.

"I know I heard you! You're 29, Jesus Christ son, I'm not deaf." Son. That was the word that triggered it. It was the first time his mother had ever called him that, even if she didn't mean it literally. "Here sit down; I'll buy you a drink."

"Ummm…okay." Inuyasha sat next to his mother moving the empty bottles off his chair. Perhaps the reason he had agreed was that he hoped that he might become closer to his mother.

"What would you like? Vodka, Cognac, sake, wine, beer, you name it they've got it." She counted off all of the liquors with only an expert's way of speaking, despite her intoxicated mind she managed to remember all that was important to her.

"I don't know…" He knew it was wrong…he knew it; but he went along with it anyway.

"Oh I see! You've never drank before." She laughed idly. "Well, son, we'll fix that right up for you." She took out several different colored bottles and set them down on the table before sitting back down next to her son. She turned to him, her eyes half open and her breath reeking of alcohol. "First, you need to know the differences and that kind of shit." Inuyasha sat there for 3 hours with his mother, drinking.

Sesshomaru came home 2 hours later, to find his 9 year old brother passed out on the kitchen floor, his mother still drinking away. "Oh hello! The names Shawn, right?" She asked holding up a bottle as a sign of welcome. Sesshomaru stared at the scene before him. "You're a regular here and I still have trouble remembering your name…Shawn…right?"

Sesshomaru ignored her question. "What happened?" He rushed to Inuyasha's side, holding his head up.

"Don't worry about him! He just can't hold his liquor." She laughed again then took another swig of her drink smiling lightly.

"Are you crazy! Jesus! He's 9 years old, you whore!" Sesshomaru's face became red with anger. He picked up a vodka bottle and glared at his mother before throwing it across the room where it smashed against the wall leaving thousands of small pieces all over the floor. "Damn it! Just! Just! Just, stay away from him!" Sesshomaru picked up the small frail body of his brother and carried him upstairs.

Inuyasha spent most of the night sleeping peacefully, only waking occasionally to sit in front of the toilet and empty his stomach. Sesshomaru stayed with him the whole night, holding back his hair when he needed to vomit. Like Inuyasha had done so many times for him.

The next morning Inuyasha woke up experiencing all the joys of a massive hangover. Sesshomaru skipped school and tended to him.

Inuyasha's vision was fuzzy but he could make out his brother, sitting on the edge of his bed. "Sess?" His voice was raspy and soft.

"What?" Sesshomaru wrung out the dish towel he took from the kitchen and put it on his brother's forehead.

"I'm sorry…" Inuyasha looked away, humiliated for his actions.

"I wouldn't expect much else…mom taught me too." He looked at his brother with sad eyes and brushed the bangs from the youth's eyes.

"She told me the circus was in town…do you think we can go?"

Sesshomaru smiled gently at his brother before nodding. "Yes…we can go, once you get better."

"It's a habit I've never really been able to break. It helps me get to sleep sometimes…well…pass out really. But that's the closest I've ever really gotten to actually sleeping. Dad continued to hurt us, mom continued to drink, and Sess and I continued to stay as away from home as much as possible."

"Then it all changed. There was always two of us…always…" Inuyasha couldn't keep his tears at bay anymore. He wept quietly only stopping to wipe his eyes and start his tale again.

"It was four years after my first experiment with alcohol, I was 13; Sesshomaru was 17. Sess and I came home one late night. We had been hanging around the park all day and only came home to eat and sleep. Dad…" He paused and neither Kagome nor her mother made a movement to fill the pause. He wiped his eyes and tried to regain his composure. "Dad was drunk…drunk as ever. Mom had passed out and was lying on the couch with one of her soap operas on. We both…Sesshomaru and I…knew something was wrong the minute we walked in the house."

"Dad looked at Sesshomaru like he looked at one of his whores. I couldn't tell you how revolted I was. Sess…looked like a girl to a certain extent…but I would think he could tell the difference. I was afraid and confused. I think I knew what was going to happen…I just didn't want to believe any of it." He paused again, recollecting everything that he had tried hard to forget.

"Sesshomaru told me to go upstairs and I did as I was told. I've regretted it every day since. The last thing I saw was dad grabbing Sesshomaru and Sesshomaru pushing him away. Dad kissed him…I ran and hid in my room for hours. I heard them yell, I heard Sess scream…and at 4 in the morning I heard Sesshomaru come upstairs and slam his bedroom door."

"You mean…?" Mrs. Higurashi held onto her daughter's arm like her life depended on it.

"I don't know…I wasn't there…but yes, I think so. I think my dad…sexually molested my brother." Inuyasha held his head in his hands shaking it back and forth with shame.

Kagome and her mother gasped, tears falling from their eyes. "Sesshomaru didn't come out of his room for days…I'd sit outside the door and listen in to make sure he was okay. I left food outside the door for him before I'd go to sleep, it'd be gone by morning. Then one morning…it was still there…"

13 year old Inuyasha stared confusedly at the tray full of food outside his older brother's room. He put his ear against the wooden door and heard nothing; he knocked once, twice, three times. He opened it carefully peeking in before he opened it fully. Through the small gap of the doorway Inuyasha saw a pair of plain black converse shoes dangling from the ceiling fan.

Inuyasha pushed the rest of the door open staring at the sight. Sesshomaru wore his favorite outfit, those ripped worn-in jeans and the tight blue shirt with one of the various bands he listened to on it; his black tie still around his bruised neck and the fan hanging from the ceiling. Inuyasha gaped openly at the sight.

He didn't cry, he didn't scream, he didn't even try to get Sesshomaru down, he just stared. Sesshomaru's beautiful golden eyes weren't even there anymore, instead they were just white. His lips had turned blue with suffocation, reminding him of those hot days at Kikyou's.

Inuyasha turned away from the scene leaving the door open. He walked downstairs as calmly as he had ever done before. He strolled into the kitchen littered with liquor bottles, stepped over his passed out mother and poured himself some cereal. He read the paper and ate at the same time, searching for the obituaries. When he found them he sought out his brother's name. He didn't know why. Sesshomaru's name didn't appear and he sighed deeply before putting his bowl in the sink and once again going back up the stairs.

Inuyasha stepped into his parent's room without knocking. His father lied on the bed with a beer bottle in his hand. "Sesshomaru is dead…" Inuyasha spoke loudly and without fear. It was like he wasn't even mentally there; he was in a sort of daze.

His father sat up with crimson eyes and chaotic hair. "What?" he slurred and held his head in his palm at the sound of his own voice.

"Sesshomaru…he's dead." Inuyasha didn't falter, he still felt like he was living in a dream.

"Who?"

"Sesshomaru…you're son…"

"Oh…him. Yea, well I'll take care of that later." Sei fell back onto the pillows and went right back asleep. Inuyasha sighed went back into the hallway took one last look at his brother, closed the door and left the house.

"He….He hung himself, then?"

"…Yes." Inuyasha sat quietly wiping his eyes with his sleeves. He continued again, this time his voice shaking. "I was alone now. The two people I cared about most were gone."

A ghostly stillness had come over the room. The two women had tears rolling down their porcelain cheeks, holding one another's hands for emotional support. Inuyasha sat alone hugging himself and slowly rocking himself back and forth, hoping to calm himself.

He took a deep breath, wiped his eyes for the hundredth time that day and began his tale again. "I was on auto pilot for a long time…I think I finally snapped out of it when I left home, 2 weeks ago. Dad beat me more often, Sess wasn't there to protect me; I had to do that on my own now."

"I drank more often after Sesshomaru died. It put me to sleep, made me numb. I started smoking too; it helped calm my nerves, made me less anxious at home. By 15 I was messing around with pills, overdosing and stuff. I was turning into my brother."

"I started hurting myself at 16…I'm still not completely sure why. I'd sit in my closest with the kitchen knives and cut my arms to shreds. Maybe it was because for the few minutes that I was in my closest with my mother's knives I could concentrate on something other than my home life. I don't know." Inuyasha looked up for a brief moment and saw the women staring at him with disbelieving eyes.

As if to prove to them that such things were in fact reality he pulled up his sweatshirt sleeve and held his arm out to them. Scars marked his entire arm, some deeper and more noticeable than others but with one glance one could see thousands of marks. Kagome gasped holding her mother's hand tighter, more tears fell from Mrs. Higurashi's eyes.

"2 weeks ago…I decided to leave." Inuyasha's mind went back to that night, remembering every detail. "I came home late the night I left; I was hanging out with friends...my first real friends." He smiled slightly at the thought of Miroku and Sango.

"Dad…of course, didn't like that. We got in a fight and after he succeeded in beating the crap out of me…he told me…to kill myself. He even gave me the weapon. It wasn't like suicide was anything new to me. My brother committed it…and I had tried once before when I was 15, with overdosing. I was going to do it too…for real this time. But somehow, I just…couldn't, I don't know why and I'm not even sure I care. The important thing is, it that I didn't. I ran."

"Took the first bus I found and just left…didn't know where it went and didn't care. Turns out it was just outside of Tokyo, I wanted to get further away so I walked into the city to find another bus stop. I was mugged…that part was the absolute truth. That's when you found me…and…I'm grateful. I've…I've never spoken about this to anyone…" Inuyasha finally looked up for more than a minute and stared at Kagome and her mother.

"Are you telling the truth?" Mrs. Higurashi asked slowly, staring into the golden depths that were Inuyasha's eyes. "Because I don't think we can handle any more lies."

"And I don't think I can handle lying anymore…" Inuyasha said just as slowly.

They sat again in silence; then Mrs. Higurashi gasped and pulled the silver headed boy into a hug. "Oh, Jesus, you poor boy." She sobbed getting his shoulder wet. She began to mumble into his sweatshirt not making any sense at all. But it didn't matter. Inuyasha sat in shock and fear and then raised his arms to encircle Mrs. Higurashi.

He looked over her shoulder and saw Kagome crying quietly. She stared at him getting lost in his amber orbs, and him getting lost in her beauty. Her cheeks were blotchy, her eyes puffy, and her nose red but she still looked like a celestial being. He gave her a small tragic smile and mouthed 'it'll be okay'. She returned it by nodding and mouthing back 'I know'. They shared a mutual smile.

Mrs. Higurashi pulled away from Inuyasha after a long motherly embrace wiping her eyes. "We're going to save you."

A/N: Well…I think I should let all you readers know, that this whole story is dedicated to my friend Huy. Inuyasha's character is really based on him, I just thought that you should know…and stuff.

Long chapter. Haha. I hope you enjoyed it. It took forever, and I was a little nervous about it too…because I wasn't sure if the retelling of his past was going to be convincing. Tell me what you think.

To my magnificent reviewers, I love you all, and you all deserve…cookies…or something.

HayLin4: Good, hehe. I don't get the whole taquilla thing though. Hehe.

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Demonsaya: Haha, yup, but really I love your stories. I hope that you enjoyed this chapter.

Inuyashasgirl1517: I hope this is long enough for you. Well…It's longer than what I usually write. Thank you for the review.

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Inashosetai: I hope that the rebooting of your computer went well. Haha, I didn't mean to make you cry. Honest! Or almost have a heart attack. I do the same thing with stories I read, I start laughing at the end, even though they're sad…I don't know, it's like impulse or something. Thanks so much for the support. :D Hope to talk to you later.

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