Dear Diary (September 2nd),
Well, it's nighttime again and I feel like shit. Sorry to put it in such a blunt way but honestly, no other words would fit that statement better! Ok, in brief I will tell you why; Lily has been eyeing me ALL day, James has noticed this and given me the cold shoulder, Sirius has been asking me what is going on, Katelyn is ignoring me and Peter... well, Peter is just being Peter!
Here's my day in the longer version, the one that clears my head a bit more:
After the err, occurrence with Ms. Evans I was perspiring more than Snape had grease in his hair, which is hard to beat. First up was Muggle studies (I am intrigued with muggles, they are quite peculiar) and luckily the only person that I am friends with is a 7th year Ravenclaw named Jeremy. He and I discussed casually for quite a while, mainly debating about what a record did. It definitely is recording voices and playing them back! Not listening to some silly excuse for what muggles colourfully call music!
That was probably the highlight of my day; arguing and receiving an assignment on the food they call 'jelly' (honestly, muggles have no taste buds! I'd rather a wiggling wizard conserve any day!). Then came the horror class. Transfiguration. Now, I am quite the brilliant mind at it, don't get me wrong, but it just so happens that Lily is my transfiguration partner!
I was trying my hardest to concentrate on changing a bird into a witch's hat, but all that filled my brain was her eyes. I could see them, penetrating into my vision at the corner of my eyes. She looked sorry, most likely to her 'slip up' of my good friend's name. I could handle her penetrating stare, but not the jaundiced look on James' face while he kept messing up his bird, turning it into a feathery fedora. Throughout the lesson I had Lily watching me and James glaring deeply towards my haggard face. James was paying so little attention to his own work that he accidentally missed the bird all together, turning Sirius into a very disfigured witches hat. Sirius did not look happy, well, I guess if he actually was still human he'd have look very livid. Luckily the professor changed him back.
That's when James snapped, at the time I was mortified. Was my best friend going to turn me into a hat? James can be mental when he wants to be. I was very nervous! I think even Lily noticed this, she looked at her own bird and seemed to be concentrating at changing its form. James waltzed up to me, looked at my almost perfect (except for the few feathers) hat, then at my face with an evil glare and then out the classroom. I blinked a couple of times, curious to why he left. Now I wish I had left my curiosity unquenched.
Thinking like a true friend, I had deserted my own practical work and rushed after him, sprinting with what little strength I held down the isolated corridor until James and I were at level. He stopped, I stopped. He turned to me, I looked at him despite the fact that my animal instincts advised me to get the hell away from him.
"What the hell have you done to Lily?" James said, well, he said something like that. I can't quite remember what he said exactly
"Nothing!" I pleaded, I can still feel the nerves swarming through my stomach, still hear the echoes of my pitiful response.
"Then why is she so bloody smitten with you?" He was fuming by this time, if I knew that the whole transfig class could hear us then I would've told him to keep his voice down, but, alas, I was too worried with patching things up with my best friend.
"Prongs, I didn't say or do anything!" I said, still pleading although lying once more. I did in actual fact kiss her back, but at the time I thought better of telling him.
I remember his next lot of words clearly, they still reverberate through my mind, and the tone he said it in was like whiplash, I felt sick, I felt like what little breakfast I ate would come up in a mixture of spew.
"Only my friends can call me Prongs." He had said, that was what stung me badly. Was he chucking me out of the Marauders, over some observation he had made? I don't really remember the next bit of our conversation, only that he made me feel so guilty, this is how it ended...
"What did you two do?" He roared, "when she took you outside, what the hell happened?"
I shook my head quickly; he had somehow in our talking driven me into a wall, "nothing, we just talked and she thanked me about Katelyn and-"
"-And what, Remus, tell me!" James' brown eyes had never seemed as hollow as they did then. I remember feeling so petrified, was I going to loose a friend over a girl? I know, this is his fantasy girl, but wasn't I anything to him? Later Sirius told me that James was just confused, I didn't believe him.
"And... she kissed me." Oh how I now wish that I could of lied once more! Those three words crumbled out of my drying throat. I could see James' expression fade from anger and delve into an emotion so depressing, so saddening that it is shocking to even become faced with it. Hurt.
He shook his head and walked away. I moaned, and walked in the opposite direction back into the classroom where the whole student body was staring at me. That's when I realised that the door was open and the hallway boomed any sound across great distance. Lily was gaping, so was Sirius, Peter was oblivious to everything and was trying to chuck his half bird half hat into the bin without anyone noticing. I think he succeeded because everyone was too busy looking at me.
I left the class. I grabbed my books and left the class, heading towards the lake. And that's where I stayed. The brief morning tea passed, I was thinking about writing but if I did I guess I'd make no sense, that's why I waited till now. Well, back to the past, I was sitting on my lonesome for morning tea, then I skipped the next two classes (double astronomy with James... would not be good) and then by the time lunchtime came I decided to rejoin society as a scandalised wizard.
At lunchtime I saw the three marauders sitting at the Gryffindor table. Sirius motioned me to join them but I declined. Fighting with the quick-tempered Potter was not on my list-to-do's, and it still isn't. Becoming his friend again certainly is! Instead I sat on the only seat available, next to Katelyn. I said a droopy 'hello' and she smiled and blushed, standing up and walking over towards the Hufflepuff house. Everyone is against me! Honestly, I think I should take a survey of how many people in the school still like Remus Lupin. I don't say much! How on earth do I get so many people giving me the cold shoulder? James, Katelyn and now I bet Lily is. She saw a seat next to me and decided to just swarm passed me and sit with Kate. And I also noticed that Katelyn seemed to be sitting rather close to a 7th year boy. Now I hope the feeling I have is not jealousy because like I said before, Kate and I are just friends!
Then Padfoot sat next to me, he kept asking and asking me questions. It was seriously getting on my nerves! "Why are you and Prongs not talking?" "What happened between you and Lily?" "Why is Lily avoiding you?" "Should I start avoiding you?"
Too many questions were asked, I can't remember them all. Then class approached and I remembered that I had my potions assignment due! I was completely edgy, trying to do as much as I could while walking to class and before the teacher came in. In the end I thanked Merlin that I had a fast hand, I managed to write 500 words but didn't include too much information.
Potions was bad. I couldn't concentrate at all for the reason that everything kept teeming around my head. I still felt sick, that feeling you get when you know that everything is in a huge mess and you don't know how to fix it. The Slytherin's didn't help; they were the same, sneering at me, trying to sabotage my attempts at a potion. My first ever diary entry for year 7 shows me explaining everyone by colours. Well, all of Slytherin are red or green; green for jealous and cunning, black for dark and evil. They always enjoy giving people a vivid outlook of hell. Some of them will be hell, just like that dark Wizard who's climbing the ranks in evil.
And now I am in my four-poster bed, writing down how horrible my day was. The other Marauders are now currently sleeping. I can hear Peter sleep talking (now about fuzzy bunnies eating him) and Sirius is snoring louder than ever. James is twisting and turning in his bed, I can hear the thin sheets crunching as he turns. And what makes me even more miserable is that tomorrow is the full moon.
It seems like I'll have a very bad trip. James won't want to come, there will be no stag ushering a werewolf through the forest. Sirius may decide that he wants to comfort James; they are so close that he may discover how ignorant his friend is. And yes, I think I am an idiot, a bad friend, horrible, but I don't need others to rub it in. All I will have is a rat following me, but I don't exactly think that a minuscule animal will be much help in keeping a werewolf at ease.
That's it for me, I'm way too sad to write anything more. May write tomorrow, who knows?
Remus' quote of the entry: "Good wizards can hunt and capture a werewolf in minutes. Great wizards can understand and befriend him." – Arthur Magicock 'Werewolf's; human or beast?'
Night diary without a soul
Remus Lupin.