Dear Diary (September 4th),
I write this while I reside in the Hospital Wing, unfortunately my head feels as if it could crumble with any misspell of a word I make. If you had not noticed by the date, this entry is two days after my last one. And my, has quite a bit happened in those two days!
Having the sharpest memory for details in the class (I do not boast, Professor Dumbledore had told me this himself), it hopefully won't be difficult to write the past tidings down. Although diary I do warn you, my memory definitely is a tad sketchy.
First thing I did when I awoke that morning was try and fix things up with James; his friendship was loyal and honest, it would be immensely difficult to him another wizard friend with such rare qualities. Unfortunately, things did not go according to plan. I apologized in quite depth, but speech was never one of my assets.
"What, Lupin, a bit tongue tied? Did you stuff up your rehearsals?" James had sneered something like this. I sighed, taking a large gulp to try and clear up my stutter. What James said made little sense anyways, trying to reply in a civilized yet defensive way seemed quite difficult.
"I'm sorry, James, you know I've never been one for wise speeches." I grinned slightly, hoping the petty joke would put an end to the quarrel. James had always been the good public speaker; he could make even the head of Slytherin feel sorry for him. This is why many people often though he deserved to be in the cunning house. James wasn't seen as a kind and self-sacrificing wizard to many.
I remember feeling like one of the Ghost's had roughly flown through the centre of my stomach. James had reply with an angry taunting, "it seems like respecting your friends isn't one of your traits either."
I did not mean to snap back, I rarely had lost my temper, even the rudest Slytherin could curse the foulest accusations and I wouldn't bite back. It was one of the qualities I had with being a secret; my diary was the only one who witnessed the rude thoughts that did swarm through my brain. Unfortunately, James had pressed a button, and with a wolfish growl I said:
"It's not my fault Lily likes me more than you."
He backed away like a werewolf knowing he had lost the battle, but his eyes were piercing so fiercely I knew I had deeply hurt him. He loves Lily; oh yes, both then and now that fact is ever-so true. I hurt him at his pride, and at his heart. A simple statement seemed to be the harshest thing he ever had heard. Turning his back to me, I heard James yell out a retort, something about my journey being alone tonight.
The whole day I avoided everyone who breathed. My teachers heard not an utter from me. I did not raise my hand once, and they seemed to notice an invisible mark on my forehead "do not bother me". I perfected my Muggle studies test, yet unfortunately my potions prac didn't turn out exactly how the book stated. Once lunch time came, I took a seat at the far side of the Gryffindor table, not bothering to see if James had made his way to the table too.
The next thing I knew Sirius had took position next to me. He cracked a few jokes, which did cheer me up slightly. The jokes in themselves were lame, yet his kindness and friendliness warmed my soul. Sirius may have seemed like a jerk to many, but to me he was a good friend, I really cared for him. Even if we were quite opposite, Sirius and I shared a bond, he sometimes made me go off the rail a bit.
"So, about tonight…" Sirius had eventually said. I could tell he was in a sticky situation. He was torn between me and James. I could tell he felt very confused, and, knowing that if James got angry, Sirius would be very upset.
"Look Sirius," I tried to say this with a smile, "I've spent many full moons alone, I can handle it. You just look after James, try and make him in a good mood for me, ok? Padfoot, it's fine." I noticed his unsure look, but he became bubbly once more and said a goodbye, deciding to sit with a 6th year Ravenclaw (whom he seemed to be getting very close to).
I almost kicked myself for telling him this. In retrospect, it seemed like a good idea. Everyone was happy, everyone except me. At this I had lost my appetite, I had retrieved a diary from my room and decided to take a seat by the lake. No, it was not this diary, for if it was I would have another entry, it was my poetry book. Now, if Sirius or James is reading this now (I don't put it past either of you) do not laugh. Poetry is beautiful and mysterious. Unfortunately, I am not too good at putting my feelings down. This is what this journal is for. I am quite talented, however, at writing about the environment.
I was halfway through writing about the mystery of what laid after the lake, (metaphorically, of course) when another figure peered above me. It didn't take me long to register who is was, and unlike usual, I did not hide away my half finished poetry. Instead I let her eyes trail across the words I wrote. Lily Evans scent was so sweet and so strong. A bit like her. Lily Lupin didn't really sound good; Lily Potter however, had a nice ring to it. I sigh now, whilst I write this in the hospital room. It's ironic how clear a memory can be.
"You write beautifully." Lily had said. She took a seat next to me, perplexed by the beautiful blue water, and the wind gently rushing against her pale skin.
"It makes up for my lack of… well, everything else." I grinned at her, it was a forced grin, I still remembered the argument I had with James earlier.
We sat and talked for quite a bit. She enquired into the James situation, I merely told her that the friendship was temporally broken. It hurt me to hear that she was confused, that she hated seeing James giving her disappointed glares. Unfortunately I felt jealous, yet I also felt happy. Happy for one of my best friends that had given me so much, Lily had started to realize her feelings for the devilish Potter.
"Remus, I'm worried about you. Ever since," she paused, it seemed like she felt the kiss was unspeakable, "it happened, you've been so distant towards everyone. And today, you've been looking quite pale. I'm worried about you. I really, truly am."
Lily always held a part of my heart, although she doesn't realize it. Her words were spoken with such soft and gentle tones that I could feel the skin on my arms vibrate with giggles.
"Lily Evans you are the most amazing witch that I have ever known, with all honesty. Thank you for your concern, however I'm fine." Lily must have noticed the distant look on my face as I said this, for she too stared into the blue ocean. I felt her hand creep up upon my own rough one. She gasped, and for a few minutes we sat together in silence, her eyes downcast, playing with my fingers and caressing hers up and down my arm. It was strangely an amazing feeling, something I hadn't felt in quite some time. Usually my time spent with Lily seemed to be coated with guilt, yet this time I merely felt a sense of friendship. We were not like lovers, and not friends. We were this middle, where we had a connection, one that did not stretch to true love and sex.
And then the hours past, the classes were spent in a more joyous tone. Even James seemed to have a lighter gaze towards me upon his face. By the time night came, however, I knew the journey would still be alone. I snuck out of the castle the way Dumbledore had told me to many times, my feet barely making a sound. I could feel the pains of my bones, the transformation was near starting. I zoomed into the shrieking shack via the Womping Willow.
Transforming into a Werewolf is incredibly painful. I once read a book about a werewolf recalling how he felt, and he described it to a tea. Your bones slowly break together in one painful moment. And the do not meant, but dislocate, they grow (and if any witch or wizard has ever grown back bones, they know how painful it is). Your eyes water so furiously that they feel unprotected and sour, until they develop a sense of the nighttime. Then, finally your skin is coated with fur, which is an odd feeling; it's like pinching the hairs of your skin and softly but quickly pulling at them. First time it happened, it almost made me laugh.
Unfortunately my memory becomes shabby now, which doesn't always happen, but is unpredictable at times, since I'm not in the right state of mind. But I have a sickening feeling that I can remember Lily's face. I can hear her scream- and I can see the footprints of prongs. Then, the next thing I knew, I was sitting where I am right now, in the hospital room. I had summoned my diary with my wand which, quite strangely, was sitting next to be bedside.
Wait... I'm not alone, I can hear the murmur of another, and a bit of a cry. Peering outside the sheets that surround the bed, I can see Katelyn, beautiful Katelyn, crying over the body of Lily Evans.
"What happened?" I ask with a frog in my throat. There had been a time where James had bewitched me to cough up frogs, but believe me when I say this, this feeling is much worse.
Katelyn looked up. Tears stained her face, which was covered with makeup. "I don't quite know. She went for a walk, next thing I knew James told me she had been hurt. She has cuts on her body, which are nothing bad, but a nasty lump on her head. Seems like she was knocked out."
I nod. Luckily I curtained the fear dancing in my eyes. I took a second to look down at my hands while writing this. It was my hands, well, my paws, which left the cuts over her body. When Lily wakes up she will hate me, she must know, she must know of my secret. Why else would she be walking outside so late? Katelyn asked me why I was in the hospital wing, I just said I wasn't feeling well and was feeling quite faint. She barely believed me, luckily the tears of my flesh were covered by clothing.
"Are you ok?" I asked. She said yes, of course, although she was shaken up by Lily, but I didn't mean Lily. And she knew it.
"What are you writing about?" She asked, changing the subject. Her light brown hair looked almost blonde today; it was a very pretty shade, changed when the light hit it. Sometimes I thought I could see a few strands of red.
"My soul." I laughed, and so did she, until a few more tears descended down her cheeks.
With a great deal of energy I walked over towards her, I felt extremely faint, and my joints ached all over. I had put my diary down, of course, it was not smart to write and walk.
"You know I am always here for you, Kate, if you ever need someone to talk to." I'm no good speaker, like I've said, but I know what to say when someone's feeling down.
She just nodded politely, biting back the rest of the tears. She was a very strong girl, reminded me of myself, she definitely was a mystery. I kissed her on the forehead and returned shakily to my bed, picking up my diary once more, pondering what the day would bring me. I can't write anymore, I can feel too many butterflies of worry stabbing my insides. Until next time.
Remus' quote of the entry: "A werewolves skin is merely a costume, unless you wear it, you never know how hard it is to breathe."
Signing off, Remus Lupin.